Who does what in your house?

[glitzy07]

How do you and your SO divide household tasks like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, baby related tasks, cooking, etc?

I do a lot more than H does, but not necessarily so much in a "he's lazy and won't help" way, but sometimes more in a "if I want something done right, I have to do it myself" way.

Without getting into the drawn out details of our recent tense phone call, I'm jealous that H seems to get to enjoy his day off work (he works 6 days a week) more than I get to enjoy my weekends, due to all the stuff I feel like I have to get done.  I'd love to be able to nap when DS naps, or relax on the couch and catch up on TV, but I feel like it's the only time that laundry, grocery shopping, etc will happen.  Part of this problem also stems from the fact that we don't have a day off together (unless one of us takes PTO), where one person could watch the baby and the other could get stuff accomplished.  So we always have to make the choice between getting stuff done around the baby's schedule.

H handles all of the outdoor stuff (lawn, snow removal, etc), and helps with the indoor stuff occasionally, but mostly only if I specifically ask him to do it.  He always says "Give me a list and it will get done" which is mostly true, but I wish he'd see stuff that needs to be done in the same way I do.  That said, I'm wondering if I can find a way to specifically assign each of us tasks, so that we both get to enjoy our days off at least somewhat, but the work still gets done.

We don't have money to outsource at the moment, which I know is an answer for a lot of you.  I do probably need to lower my standards somewhat, but it's not like I'm saying we need to scrub the house every day or anything.  I'm just looking for a vacuumed and dusted house once a week, laundry and dishes done, and groceries in the fridge.  I don't know that my sanity can accept anything less than that.

How do you all handle this stuff? 

[Deleted]

When I'm SAH, I do a lot. It does help a lot to just totally offload tasks and trust that he will do them, though. When I was working, it was things like DH will: clean the bathroom, do the vacuuming, cook dinner on Wednesday & Saturday, etc. I need to know what is his stuff, and then I can ignore it even if things are a bit dirtier than I would let it get.

Right now, he still does the bathroom, most outside stuff (snow, lawn, leaves), car stuff (oil changes, etc), some cooking, and lots with the kids (bedtimes, baths, diapers, etc.). I do most of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, annoying grow up stuff (insurance, etc). I still have downtime, though.

[rex]

I do 99.9% of everything. My H does something if I ask.

It has been the cause of MANY arguments in the past.

I decided to just get done what I could or felt like doing and if the house is a mess then I have to learn to live with it even though it stresses me out. I couldn't keep up with taking care of everyone and having absolutely no down time. Plus my H is basically a slob and I refuse to be his maid.

He is home in time at night to put L to bed which entails giving her a bottle, putting on PJs and laying her in the crib. I do bath time because he's too nervous still.

[catbus]

H cooks, gets E ready in the mornings and most of bedtime, gives E baths, takes out the trash/recycling most of the time, and mows the lawn.

I bake, organize, pay bills, do most of the shopping (grocery and otherwise), nurse E at bedtime.

We both do kid-watching stuff, depending on what the other's doing (e.g., I corral E while H cooks dinner, he does the same while I run errands or clean. We tend to work together on house projects during naps or after E's bedtime. We both divide and conquer cleaning, but mostly clean as we go so it never gets too overwhelming.

It really feels like a pretty even split, for the most part.

[ijack]

Well our cleaning lady cleans and our nanny does the girls' laundry and sweeps the floor every day
I cook, he cleans up after. We split laundry, but he puts it all away. He does the garbage and usually mows the lawn, I usually shovel. I grocery shop and make sure everything else is purchased.

So you would like him to vacuum, dust, do laundry, and grocery shop on his day off? That seems like a bit much since he only gets one day off. What time does he get home at night? I would ask him to grocery shop on his day off and throw in a load of laundry. Vacuuming and dusting can happen in the evenings because they don't take very long. Laundry too.
And you should definitely nap on the weekends!!

[ladygrey]

I do most of the daily household chores (laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping) since I SAH and have more time and flexibility. DH does all of the outdoor stuff (lawn, landscaping, snow, garage stuff), but he's also great about pitching in to do dishes if I make dinner or ironing his own dress shirts. He also does most of DD's bedtime routine (bath, lotion, books) since I am with her all day long.

Also, automatic bill pay for everything!

[cinco]

I SAH and DH works long hours, so most of it falls on me. I just sat on my butt doing nothing for two hours, so I have no right to complain about this He does the mowing in the summer, and some of the deep cleaning b/c he is a bit more OCD about it then I am. He knows better than to bitch about my effort. In the Summer we split the pool maintenance. I do 95% of the [endless] laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cooking, kitchen, bathrooms, etc. It isn't something we fight about, so I guess our arrangement works out well.

[toesie]

Let's see. DH does breakfasts, getting DD ready for DC, drop offs, house fixing, majority of dishes (I help out once in awhile), majority of laundry (I help out once in a while), filling up gas for my car. Also watching DD while I make dinner.
I do dinners, packing up lunches, pick ups, some cleaning, getting DD ready for bed (bath and clean up), paying pills, grocery shopping (DH also does quick trips during the week).

Overall, it's pretty equal between us.

[countthestars]

We grocery shop together and whoever is available feeds DD dinner - usually me. We do bath/bedtime together.

H cooks and cleans dinner (loads dishwasher, washes pans and leaves them out to dry), tidies if we have company coming, in theory does outside stuff (we haven't had to mow or anything since we moved in so right now it's just taking out the trash 1x per week). He does his own laundry.

I do pretty much everything else - mine and baby's laundry, bills, sweeping, putting away dishes, dusting, tidying, thinking about/shopping for household things like diapers, baby food, cleaning supplies, bathrooms.

[jena]

You say he'll do stuff, so make the list.

I believe that someone is usually in charge. In my house that person is me. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's great. Dh does a ton of stuff around the house, but for years he did them only because I asked. He does not see the clutter on the counter until there is no room left. If the counter is cleared, he does not see all the crumbs. He just doesn't and probably never will.

His jobs are doing dishes, doing laundry, and making lunches. (I do lunches and dishes as well if I have time but honestly I rarely do laundry). And he now doors these things without being asked, but it's taken about 6 years to get here. Before that it was always a list or a do this while I do that type of request.

[starlily]

H does yardwork, trash, dish washing, and most of the cleaning.

I do the cooking, all shopping, event/activity planning, and bill paying.

We split childcare and pet duties pretty equally.

We each do our own laundry.

[Deleted]

A lot goes by the wayside. We dont vacuum as often as we should, we dont wash the floor as often as we should, we dont dust as often as we should, etc. My house is basically always slighty dirty and I'm okay with that.

Overall we split the household chores pretty evenly. One of us gives DS his bath at night and gets his jammies on and reads to him, while the other one rinses out his daycare diapers, starts laundry if necessary, empties the trash, picks up the living room, etc. those 15 minutes go a long way to keeping things in a basic working order.

In the summer we both head outside for gardening, we both rake in the fall, H fixed our fence this past weekend and I helped him, etc.

It ends up being pretty even. the biggest thing is that I have had to say to him at times that "I deserve down time too." He comes home and wants to go in the bedroom to change by himself so he has some downtime, but I explain to him that I've been home with the baby and the two dogs for two hours and had to change while dodging a crazy lab, a meandering golden retriever, and a 22 month old who empties my drawers and climbs inside. If anything, when he gets home I should get the downtime, haha.

and then we both say to each other - "we need to do X, how do you want to go about this." Or, "the dogs need to go to the vet and DS needs a pedi appointment. You do one, I'll do the other." Basically making us both equally responsible for tasks is the only way it works for us.

[magpie]

we fought regularly for about a year after moving in together as we divided the household chores and negotiated our terms. Then we lived happily for several years. Now, with the baby around, we've had to renegotiate some things (and yes, there were some arguments!). I think he does way more work than I do at this point, mostly because I do more baby holding/feeding. I am also lazier than H and not as much of a neat freak.

Me: Cook, take lead on meal planning and groceries (H comes along/helps when he can), clean the bathrooms (except the toilets, which I refuse to do), feed the baby (breastfeeding so not much choice there), generally do more baby care, bedtime, think about/buy cleaning supplies and household stuff, refill/manage the dog's medication.

H: Dishes, cleans kitchen, cleans toilets, does a bit more of the laundry than I do, dusts, does all outside chores (weeding, sweeping, dog poop, trimming--we have a low maintenance yard/don't have a lawn, so no mowing), does most of the bills, takes out the trash and recycling, thinks about exterior household/yard supplies and stuff.

Both: laundry (though H does more), run the roomba, feed/walk the dog, bathtime, empty the dishwasher.

I'm sure that I'm forgetting something.

[hymen]

When he is home he takes on most of the kid-related duties: he wakes DS up, gets him dressed, takes him to daycare, and does bath and bed at night. He also spends a lot of time playing with DS when he gets home from work so I can cook dinner.

House-related duties he does his own laundry, takes out the garbage, does the bills, takes care of recycling, shovels dog poop (but only from like April-November), and does the yard work. He also "cleans up" our semi-finished basement because that's where he and DS spend a lot of time (most of DS's toys are down there), which means cleaning it up and vacuuming every couple of weeks. I don't really mind though because having toys down there means they aren't all over the rest of the house. He also occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher.

My house duties are basically everything else: cooking, vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms, dusting, dishes, my and DS's and household (towels, sheets, etc.) laundry. However, I am first to admit I'm a lazy housekeeper so this stuff does not take up too much of my time.

ETA: I also do the grocery shopping every Sunday, which I hate. H used to go with me but with DS (and soon a baby) it's easier to just go alone.

[glitzy07]

Mar 13, 2014 12:52:01 GMT -5 ijack said:

Well our cleaning lady cleans and our nanny does the girls' laundry and sweeps the floor every day
I cook, he cleans up after. We split laundry, but he puts it all away. He does the garbage and usually mows the lawn, I usually shovel. I grocery shop and make sure everything else is purchased.

So you would like him to vacuum, dust, do laundry, and grocery shop on his day off? That seems like a bit much since he only gets one day off. What time does he get home at night? I would ask him to grocery shop on his day off and throw in a load of laundry. Vacuuming and dusting can happen in the evenings because they don't take very long. Laundry too.
And you should definitely nap on the weekends!!

Oh no, not at all!  I'm more just thinking in terms of throwing a load of laundry in (and actually completing it start to finish...he has a tendency to throw a load in to "help" and then never move it to the dryer or fold it).  And maybe vacuum if DS is cooperating and playing well on his own.  

He works 6am-2pm most days, and picks DS up from daycare around 2:30.  He's home with him until I get home sometime between 4:30-5pm.  He could definitely grocery shop for us, because he works in a grocery store, but he'd need a list or he'd bankrupt us and we'd be eating Cheetos and ice cream for dinner!  

I've already explicitly told him that he needs to either wash bottles and pump parts or make dinner while I'm getting DS ready for bed at night, otherwise I may kill him out of resentment.  That has been going pretty well, most days.  His dinners aren't always the best choices (think frozen chicken fingers or hot dogs), but we have to eat and I didn't have to cook it...

[Marmee]

DH: packs lunches, pours cereal, pays some bills, most laundry, takes out trash. A bit of kid duty.

Me: the rest

[dancingirl21]

Mar 13, 2014 12:33:21 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

How do you and your SO divide household tasks like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, baby related tasks, cooking, etc?

I do a lot more than H does, but not necessarily so much in a "he's lazy and won't help" way, but sometimes more in a "if I want something done right, I have to do it myself" way.

Without getting into the drawn out details of our recent tense phone call, I'm jealous that H seems to get to enjoy his day off work (he works 6 days a week) more than I get to enjoy my weekends, due to all the stuff I feel like I have to get done.  I'd love to be able to nap when DS naps, or relax on the couch and catch up on TV, but I feel like it's the only time that laundry, grocery shopping, etc will happen.  Part of this problem also stems from the fact that we don't have a day off together (unless one of us takes PTO), where one person could watch the baby and the other could get stuff accomplished.  So we always have to make the choice between getting stuff done around the baby's schedule.

H handles all of the outdoor stuff (lawn, snow removal, etc), and helps with the indoor stuff occasionally, but mostly only if I specifically ask him to do it.  He always says "Give me a list and it will get done" which is mostly true, but I wish he'd see stuff that needs to be done in the same way I do.  That said, I'm wondering if I can find a way to specifically assign each of us tasks, so that we both get to enjoy our days off at least somewhat, but the work still gets done.

We don't have money to outsource at the moment, which I know is an answer for a lot of you.  I do probably need to lower my standards somewhat, but it's not like I'm saying we need to scrub the house every day or anything.  I'm just looking for a vacuumed and dusted house once a week, laundry and dishes done, and groceries in the fridge.  I don't know that my sanity can accept anything less than that.

How do you all handle this stuff? 

I could have written this.  H is happy to help, but doesn't see the toys all over the floor, or the piles of mail on the kitchen counter.  He will literally ask "please give me a list and I will do what needs to be done".  Then I get upset because really?  I shouldn't have to give him a list when he can see there are things that need to get done. 

He does exclusively handle our outdoors.  So shoveling, mowing, weeding, etc.  That is a lot of work in the summer.  After J was born we got a cleaning service and honestly, this has been amazing for our marriage.  The house gets dirty and we both get mad, so it was best to just outsource that.

ETA:  He also pays all the bills, gets the oil changed on the cars, takes out the garbage, and does the dishes every night.  So I really don't have it that bad   It's just the everyday, little stuff that he blows past.

[glitzy07]

Mar 13, 2014 12:58:52 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

H and I have been most successful when we have more or less assigned tasks (e.g. he does all laundry) AND we have regular chore times (e.g. laundry always gets done on the weekend, every weekend). Right now, I'm at home during the day, but I'm at home to take care of the kid, not to be a maid, so I do what I can but I don't kill myself.

I would full on give him a chore chart. As a messy person, I can tell you that I can live with a certain level of dirt that might shock a tidy person, and it just doesn't bug me. I'm not ignoring it to be a jerk, I just don't care as much. But I've been working on doing the dishes every night right after dinner (instead of the next morning, or once DS is in bed, etc). Making it my routine / job is really working for me.

He's not really a messy person, just not as type A as I am.    He always helps to clean up DS' toys at night and stuff, but it's the stuff like making sure dishes make it INTO the dishwasher or wiping a counter after cooking that don't seem to be on his radar.  

I am admittedly a little crazy when it comes to "everything has a place and everything in it's place."  I like to have an empty sink and stuff in its place before I go to bed at night, so this is definitely part of my own issue. I just physically and mentally feel better when my space is tidy.  

[dulcemariamar]

When he is home he is on kid duty and also does bath time and pjs. He also does some food shopping and help with laundry. While I cook he stays with DD and I only do one big cleaning job a week and he stays with LO while I clean

[ijack]

Mar 13, 2014 13:05:35 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

Mar 13, 2014 12:52:01 GMT -5 ijack said:

Well our cleaning lady cleans and our nanny does the girls' laundry and sweeps the floor every day
I cook, he cleans up after. We split laundry, but he puts it all away. He does the garbage and usually mows the lawn, I usually shovel. I grocery shop and make sure everything else is purchased.

So you would like him to vacuum, dust, do laundry, and grocery shop on his day off? That seems like a bit much since he only gets one day off. What time does he get home at night? I would ask him to grocery shop on his day off and throw in a load of laundry. Vacuuming and dusting can happen in the evenings because they don't take very long. Laundry too.
And you should definitely nap on the weekends!!

Oh no, not at all!  I'm more just thinking in terms of throwing a load of laundry in (and actually completing it start to finish...he has a tendency to throw a load in to "help" and then never move it to the dryer or fold it).  And maybe vacuum if DS is cooperating and playing well on his own.  

He works 6am-2pm most days, and picks DS up from daycare around 2:30.  He's home with him until I get home sometime between 4:30-5pm.  He could definitely grocery shop for us, because he works in a grocery store, but he'd need a list or he'd bankrupt us and we'd be eating Cheetos and ice cream for dinner!  

I've already explicitly told him that he needs to either wash bottles and pump parts or make dinner while I'm getting DS ready for bed at night, otherwise I may kill him out of resentment.  That has been going pretty well, most days.  His dinners aren't always the best choices (think frozen chicken fingers or hot dogs), but we have to eat and I didn't have to cook it...

If he's home that early I would definitely have him grocery shop for you (with a list) or throw in a load of laundry. I don't know if you meal plan, but if you do you could make up the list for him at the beginning of the week and then he could go monday afternoon or something like that.

[osulori]

Me-my laundry and usually AJ's, cleaning the bathrooms, general straightening up, paying bills, sometimes taking stuff out to recycling bin if I have time, grocery shopping, tending to veggie garden if it's veggie season, most of the dishwasher loading/unloading.

J-his laundry, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, scooping dog poop, taking stuff out to recycling, taking recycling and trash to curb/bringing cans back up to garage, general straightening up.

It's an uneven divide for sure, but he works 55-60 hours/week and screwy hours at that so on his two days off (which change weekly and may or may not coincide with the Sat/Sun/Mon I have off every week) he's exhausted and it can be pulling teeth to get him to do some things. So often it's just easier to do it myself. I feel a come to Jesus talk coming on as the weather gets warmer and the lawn is going to need to be mowed weekly though-I looked the other way last spring/summer since he had just gotten promoted and was dealing with the change in schedule/increase in hours and had his hands full dealing with stuff related to MIL's estate but that is not going to fly this summer.

[justjen]

I hate these questions, because I'm a total slacker :-P

DH does:
Daycare dropoff
Daycare pickup
Getting her stuff ready for daycare
Grocery shopping
About 50% of the laundry
About 50% or more of the cooking
Dishes/nightly cleanup
Most of the loading/unloading of the dishwasher
Trash
Snow removal
He'll probably do yard stuff, but we've only had a yard since it's been gross and snowy

I:
Pay the bills
Do the "bigger" cleaning (ie, more than just straightening)
About 50% of the laundry
About 50% or less of the cooking
Meal plan, when we have a meal plan (which is about half the time, right now)
Nurse the baby
Manage our social calendar. Does that count? lol


To be fair, even with him doing the drop-offs and pickups, I leave the house well before him and get home well after him. It makes sense for him to do more, because he's available to do more.

[glitzy07]

Mar 13, 2014 13:15:39 GMT -5 ijack said:

Mar 13, 2014 13:05:35 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

Oh no, not at all!  I'm more just thinking in terms of throwing a load of laundry in (and actually completing it start to finish...he has a tendency to throw a load in to "help" and then never move it to the dryer or fold it).  And maybe vacuum if DS is cooperating and playing well on his own.  

He works 6am-2pm most days, and picks DS up from daycare around 2:30.  He's home with him until I get home sometime between 4:30-5pm.  He could definitely grocery shop for us, because he works in a grocery store, but he'd need a list or he'd bankrupt us and we'd be eating Cheetos and ice cream for dinner!  

I've already explicitly told him that he needs to either wash bottles and pump parts or make dinner while I'm getting DS ready for bed at night, otherwise I may kill him out of resentment.  That has been going pretty well, most days.  His dinners aren't always the best choices (think frozen chicken fingers or hot dogs), but we have to eat and I didn't have to cook it...

If he's home that early I would definitely have him grocery shop for you (with a list) or throw in a load of laundry. I don't know if you meal plan, but if you do you could make up the list for him at the beginning of the week and then he could go monday afternoon or something like that.

Meal planning is something I'm working on, so I think I may have him start the shopping with a list soon.  Maybe if he does the shopping I'll actually have time to make the list!  

I was really ok with our divide before having DS, because I would spend Saturday mornings while H was at work doing all the laundry, quick cleaning the house (H does do all the deep cleaning, I'll give him that - but it's not frequent at all), and grocery shopping.  Then I'd have the afternoon and evening to relax before SS got dropped off.  Obviously having a baby has changed how much I can get done in a couple hour period.   

[dbsk8dance]

We are pretty 50/50 on everything. He does more cooking and I do more laundry. I do a bit more with the kids because I'm part time, but he takes evenings 2x a week and Saturday mornings due to my coaching.

We do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Sometimes I'll be the one who really wants a clean house, so I'll get going and he usually starts helping. Sometimes he's the one who starts and I start helping.

I'm really not much help in this respect, because DH is really better at this stuff than I am.

[CloudBee]

Adult laundry: DH

Baby laundry: me on my day off

Vacuuming: me

Dishes: DH

Morning bottle: DH

Bedtime bottle: we alternate

Dinner cleanup: DH

Cooking: Mostly me (DH is an awful cook)

General tidying/organizing/deep cleaning: we share this

Jammies and bedtime prep: usually DH

Bath: me

Grocery shopping: me on my day off, or we go together over the weekend

Paying bills: DH

Investing: mostly me

Yard work: mostly DH, but I help with large projects

Weekends: we alternate who gets to sleep in

Morning drop-off the days I work: DH

Pick-up: me

Feed dog, vet, taking dog out, etc.: mostly DH

I feel like it's pretty evening split, and has been for at least 6 months. The first 3 months of DS's life were brutal as DH was studying for an exam. We've hit our stride and fine tune it accordingly.

[crazycakes]

Mar 13, 2014 12:44:02 GMT -5 rex said:

I do 99.9% of everything. My H does something if I ask.

It has been the cause of MANY arguments in the past.

I decided to just get done what I could or felt like doing and if the house is a mess then I have to learn to live with it even though it stresses me out. I couldn't keep up with taking care of everyone and having absolutely no down time. Plus my H is basically a slob and I refuse to be his maid.

.
Ugh this is us too, except we finally did hire a once a week housekeeper because I couldn't take it any more. I still do majority of maintenance house work in between cleanings, bit having her come every two weeks has helped a lot. We took money from our fun money to pay for it. Worth it.

[rootbeerfloat]

Things I do: laundry, dishes, vacuuming, bill paying, shopping for clothes/gifts, most of the daily tidying

Things H does: cooking, cleaning bathrooms, sweeping/mopping, lawn care, investments, most of the deep cleaning tasks 

Things we split and/or do together: baths/bedtime, meal planning/grocery shopping, school drop-off/pick-up, coordinating kids' appointments/activities.

[AlpineSlide]

DH - outside stuff, vehicle maintenance, putting garbage/recycling to curb, paying bills/managing all finances, grocery shopping. He'll change diapers and help with bath time if he is home.

me - meal plan, clip coupons, make grocery list, all the cleaning, all the laundry, all cooking (DH will grill though), all dishes/running DW, 99% of DS's care.

He works and I SAH.

[megs193]

Reading the answers in these post always make me a little bitter. Lol. I SAH and do pretty much everything. We have a cleaning service that comes every 2 weeks but all cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, calls etc. get done by me. I'm fairly certain that my DH does not know how to work our washing machine. I also do the majority of kid related stuff on nights and weekends because both of my kids always want me. We fight about it on occasion but he claims that since we have a cleaning lady, everything else is my responsibility. I am kind of over fighting about it. If I go back to work we will have to do a chore chart or something.

It's annoying to have to tell your DH what to do but if he will actually do it then it is worth it IMO.

[dottyblue]

I do the following:
Laundry
Most house cleaning
Morning prep & Daycare drop off for DS
Making lunch/snacks for daycare
DS's dinner when we don't all eat together
Bathtime & bedtime for DS
Doctor appointments for DS


DH does:
Cooking
Grocery shopping
Daycare pick up
Cat boxes and bathroom (where they are located) clean up
Trash & Recycling to curb 2-3 times a week

We pretty evenly split dishes, misc. errand running, vehicle maintenance. We also know when we need a break and ask for help; I can tell when DH is at the end of his rope with the cat boxes and will usually take over for a couple of days. He knew I needed a break from DS last night (he was hitting me and I was at the end of my rope) so he did bath and bedtime.

We both still get frustrated with each other at times over stupid things and feeling like "I do more!", but I think we have a pretty good split on responsibilities.