Visitors the first week of babies life Help!

[demelza]

FTM here.   I had a c section birth Sunday at 11am after 12 hours of labor and an hour of pushing.  I am breastfeeding.  We have a dog at home that is pretty dang nervous about baby and is a high strung dog to begin with.  

Our first baby checkup appt is tomorrow at 10:15 am.  

My mom is insisting on coming to my house tomorrow at lunch with my grandma and aunts in tow.  They probably won't stay long but still.  They are coming from an hour away.

We don't have our dog trained well so that sucks she is not calm around visitors.  I am going to need to crate my dog away and she is not used to the crate anymore. This is going to make the dog even more nervous at this time which is not good.  

Ugh I wish my mom would understand this is probably not a good idea for us.  Then on the next day (Sat) my inlaws want to come over.   

[Deleted]

Congrats on your baby!

I would let your mom come and nix the aunts and grandma.

[dbsk8dance]

You need to speak up. If you don't want people, say no. Give them a point in the future where you think you will be comfortable with visitors. Tell them what you want and what you don't want.

You had major surgery. If your mom wants to come and will be a help, then tell her. Great, I have laundry, cleaning and cooking for you to do while I sit and hold the baby.

Your husband needs to handle his family with the same parameters.

Congrats on your baby!

[winecheery]

Well, my mom was there when I delivered, but we went on lockdown for two weeks after DD was born. I allowed hospital visits for whoever was free to swing by during visiting hours the day after she was born, but that was because no one likes to hang out at a hospital for hours on end, so I knew they'd stay short and sweet.

I also agree w/ pp that your mom gets priority over all those other people, but frankly, if you wanted no one to come, just say no, so sorry, that won't wok for us, and don't open the door. I'm not even joking. If they have the gall to show up at your doorstep when you said please no, I'm recovering from major surgery, then screw them. I don't care who they are; they need to think of you and your needs, not their own omgsoexcitedlookatthesquishybaaaaabbby!!! right now.

This is clearly something I'm passionate about, lol

[countthestars]

Congrats! Agree with standing up for yourself, or make your H do it. "Sorry, we are not up for crowds of visitors right now. We will let you know when it's a good time for aunts to visit"

[imojoebunny]

Let the dog jump and go nuts. Better yet, have them take him for a walk in rotating shifts while they visit. If you want to see them, and your only worry is the dog, that is. My aunts visited shortly after my kids were born, one at a time. I put them to work. Laundry folded, dishes loaded, dinner prepped. I sat on my ass with the baby and chatted with them, then they held the baby and left.

[Deleted]

If the dog is creating anxiety for you, board him for a week (or even a few days) and give everyone a chance to settle in. Then reintroduce the dog. We did this and it helped immensely to not have him behaving poorly in front of baby's visitors.

[glitzy07]

Definitely trust your gut about visitors. I thought I would be totally fine with visitors after we got home, but my PP hormones were all over the place and I wanted to be all alone. I agree with PP who said to allow your mom if you feel comfortable, but ask others to wait if that's what you think you want.

A few days after we came home my sister and her boyfriend came over for dinner. About 30-45 minutes into their visit I started crying out of nowhere, and H couldn't figure out why. I told him that I just wanted them to leave and I wanted to be alone just the three of us. I ended up retiring to the bedroom with the baby and he finished dinner and sent them home. I felt super rude, but they understood.

[CrazyLucky]

We had no visitors the first two weeks. This is a rare time in your life where you get to do what is right for you and not have to worry about what other people think. Not your mom, or grandmom or aunts. Do what makes you feel most comfortable.

[Willis Jackson]

Tell your mom what you told us.

[spk926]

Stand up for yourself. If you don't do it now, when will you?

If you don't want visitors then just say that. If you only want your mom and nobody else then say that too. I would go so far as to not answer the door if they come even after you have made it known that you do not want visitors. Shut your shades, close the garage door and don't answer. You just had a baby, it is not your job to entertain or make others feel better. You get to decide what you feel up to and at this point you don't feel up to hosting at your place yet (understandably!).

[ECB]

Yup, stand up for yourself. Tell your mom NO. And if she actually says "Well, we're coming anyhow", know what? Don't be home. Seriously. Drive around for a bit. Or have your DH take you out to lunch after the appt. Something, anything to not be home. Then when your mom is all upset and asks "where were you?", you tell her that you told her no visitors - so you were out.

[demelza]

Mar 13, 2014 14:03:09 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

Tell your mom what you told us.

I did.  She was more concerned with grandma and aunts seeing the baby and my house.

[demelza]

Shes at work now but I texted perhaps my H can take the dog out for during the visit. I am nervous about the logistics of the doctors appt and wish I didn't have to worry about having four or more people over right after that visit. I hope they are comfortable seeing boobs.... ugh this sucks. 

[shellbear09]

I would try to get them to wait a few weeks and just have your mom come. I was so not into visitors in the beginning and super hormonal. If they do come I would just try to cut it short by taking the baby into the room to nap with them when you have had enough. Oh and if they want to help tell them to bring food. That was my rule for visitors lol.

I still get mad when I think about how pushy my dad and stepmom were with us at the birth and then right after that I plan on putting my foot down much more next time and not worrying about other people's feelings so much.

[drloretta]

Grandma and aunts don't need to see the baby right this minute, and they certainly don't need this time to see your house. Tell her no, she can come, and you'll schedule a time in a few weeks for the others to come.

[Deleted]

Please put your foot down. Your mom may not remember or understand but I'm telling you that you MUST protect yourself at this time.
We had a flood of visitors that first week and I still have anxiety about it 6 months later.

[lilles]

Just say no.

[ECB]

Mar 13, 2014 15:52:10 GMT -5 lilles said:

Just say no.

Seriously.  And this is why I WOULDN'T tell her what you said here.  TOo many excuses and places for her to poke holes.  Just tell her "This isn't a good time".  PERIOD. 

You give in, you're teaching her that YOUR concerns don't matter.

[Deleted]

Honestly I have anxiety from just reading your post. Tell your mom you know she loves and supports you and you are making decisions in the best interest of your family. The best interest is no visitors tomorrow. Hugs - you can do it!

[changedname]

We are going through the same thing. LC said baby is losing weight today and I need to bf on demand and give a bottle plus pump every session. Dh has decided to ban all visits until we are back,on track. Having people over is stressful because they want to see the baby and I'm feeding 24/7.

He told FiL who had a tantrum and said we are being ridiculous and sil was never like that. He also insisted that dh's aunt come this Saturday. Umm no.


you need to just put your foot down and look after yourself and the baby now.

[CloudBee]

Mar 13, 2014 15:40:57 GMT -5 @envinoveritas said:

Please put your foot down. Your mom may not remember or understand but I'm telling you that you MUST protect yourself at this time.
We had a flood of visitors that first week and I still have anxiety about it 6 months later.

I also still have anxiety thinking back to my first two days home alone with DS when the ILs came over to "help".  Eff that noise.  I was struggling to nurse, they parked themselves on the couch, MIL kept practically yelling at me to nap so she could hold the baby (I wanted to sleep next to him), and FIL was passed out napping on our couch.

I really think it impacted my milk production and ability to nurse - not taking DS's torticollis into account.  I didn't have him on me skin to skin like I had wanted in those early days home.

I still feel sick to my stomach looking back.

Whenever they were over they were in the way, not helping, not bringing food, not offering to change a diaper or make a sandwich.  I was recovering from a c-section and waking was painful.

See how bitter I am?  Listen to everyone and protect yourself.  I would rather feel bad about being perceived as rude vs. miss having the experience I wanted early on.

[degal99]

Yes, please stand up for yourself. Next baby we won't have visitors for at least 2 weeks after (at least). There were so many issues, and honestly, my family just wasn't helpful. If you truly think your mom will be helpful, or you really think they will be there for less than 30 minutes, OK. But, if you do not want to host them, then don't.

[vmars]

I had DS 4 days before Christmas and took him home Christmas Eve. I also had a c-section. We had family visiting us almost every day. Luckily they did buy us groceries and items we needed when they came and usually didn't stay for very long. I did not lift a finger or offer anyone a drink, food, etc. It was nice to have my family there for the most part as they were very supportive and not over bearing. However, I totally get needing your space. In the beginning stays should be short and focus on helping the mom by bringing her food, cleaning up, running errands, etc. You don't need (nor do you want) an entourage this early. They can meet the baby in a few weeks when you are feeling better.

[SKP82]

If you don't start standing up for yourself and what is best for your family now, when will you? This is the time to start. Tell your mom what you want/need and tell her that she needs to respect your wishes.

[Deleted]

Do what you need to do. If you don't feel up to a bunch of visitors just say so. I certainly did not want a bunch of visitors. My in laws came for a brief time while we were in the hospital but once we were home it was just us for a few weeks and I needed that. I had a c section and couldn't maneuver my stairs more than about once a day, j was attached to my boob seemingly 24 hours a day and I was constantly shirtless with my pants pulled up to my chest so they wouldn't rub on my incision. It wasn't a pretty time lol

I expect to do the same this time with one exception, my sister. She lives here now and will be a huge help with J etc. Plus she won't care if I am walking around shirtless looking like a hot mess trying to figure out how to nurse two babies, get some sleep etc. Anyone else, like my in laws, just fall into the omg I want to see the babies!!!! Category for me and they will have to wait a week or two other than a brief hospital visit.

[ryry]

You do not need more anxiety at this time. Please stand up for yourself. It's okay if you aren't ready for guests, for any number of reasons.

When DD1 was born, we had a dog who made me very anxious. Mostly because of him, we decided in advance that we didn't want visitors for the first 2 weeks. We needed time to figure out how to be a family and see how our dog behaved around DD1 before adding other people to the mix. We had a few people come by to drop off food, but no one stayed more than an hour, if even that long. I'm still really glad we did that-I think it helped us all a lot.

[curbsideprophet]

It sounds like the dog is stressing you out, so I would board the dog for a few days.

I might be in the minority, but I don't think it is unreasonable for such immediate family that lives close by to want to see the baby so early. My mom and aunt were very helpful the first week, I was glad to have them around. I certainly was not playing hostess. They were cooking and cleaning. However if you don't want them there, tell them they need to wait. Did you discuss visits/expectations with your mom/aunts/grandma prior to baby's arrival?

[littlemisschatty]

Congrats! Hope you are feeling ok!

Listen. You get to call the shots. NO GUILT. If you think anyone will come and actually be helpful to you (like put a load of laundry in, bring you a meal, etc) and not just hold the baby, then let them come. If you are overwhelmed, you can ask them to not come, or at least...do not stay long.

Don't feel bad. But I will say, that I don't know what I would have done without my mom in those early days. She was a HUGE help. Not so much the IL's...LOL