Know the gender, but no interest in sharing the info

[pacificrules]

We did the Verify test and found out gender several weeks ago. H and I know that it's a girl (and are thrilled), and told our parents and our close friends. For now, that is all whom I want to know. My H thinks we should tell whoever asks. When people ask me if we know gender or are going to find out, I tell them it's in an envelope at home (true) and that we'll probably open it soon.

I feel really strongly about holding onto the information and that it doesn't really affect anyone else so they don't really need to know, BUT I can't specifically put a finger on why I'm feeling that way so that I can explain it to my husband. (This was a very surprise pregnancy and things feel pretty uncertain, so maybe holding on to this one piece of information is my way of feeling like I have control?) Does anyone feel this way?? Should I just get over it and start telling people??

[FastHands]

Obviously it's your right who to tell what and when. That said, I always raise an eyebrow in these situations. Keeping a name secret I kind of get, because you may not want to be influenced by outside opinions. But keeping the sex a secret just seems a little silly to me. Most people are asking either out of just boring curiosity and to make conversation, or they are asking because they want to buy cute things for your kid that aren't gender-neutral. I guess I eyebrow raise because keeping it secret suggests that it's some kind of big deal, when it probably isn't really a big deal to anyone but you, so it can sound a little self-important, if that makes sense? Similar to the idea of gender-reveal parties -- this is really only a big deal to you.

But like I said, when it comes down to it, it's your business and you get to decide what to spill and what not to, even if you can't articulate the reasons why you want to keep it private.

[pacificrules]

Mar 16, 2014 16:13:46 GMT -5 FastHands said:

Obviously it's your right who to tell what and when. That said, I always raise an eyebrow in these situations. Keeping a name secret I kind of get, because you may not want to be influenced by outside opinions. But keeping the sex a secret just seems a little silly to me. Most people are asking either out of just boring curiosity and to make conversation, or they are asking because they want to buy cute things for your kid that aren't gender-neutral. I guess I eyebrow raise because keeping it secret suggests that it's some kind of big deal, when it probably isn't really a big deal to anyone but you, so it can sound a little self-important, if that makes sense? Similar to the idea of gender-reveal parties -- this is really only a big deal to you.

But like I said, when it comes down to it, it's your business and you get to decide what to spill and what not to, even if you can't articulate the reasons why you want to keep it private.

Thank you for your response; I really appreciate your honesty and perspective. Good food for thought for me.

[curbsideprophet]

I am confused, so close friends and family know? If so, I really don't get the point of withholding the info if someone asks. What if someone you refused to tell talks to someone who knows?

I would be on board if you had not told anyone.

[bowies]

I'm going to equate how you're feeling with how I felt with telling people we were expecting a baby. When that BFP popped I was very much "TELL THE WORLD!" but waited because I'd had a previous m/c. Once I got over the hump of the first few weeks, it morphed from an agitated feeling into a delicious feeling that this was something only my H and I shared. I hit 12 weeks and it was still hard to tell people beyond our parents and close friends. In fact, we waited more until 14/15 weeks. I was surprised that I dragged my heels so much. Part of it was that I wanted to be sure, part of it was that I didn't want to be treated differently, and the biggest part was that I didn't want the world at large to know something I had only shared with a select few. It made it less special in a way. Of course, I quickly got over it and embraced it.

Does this sound like you at all? I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling bittersweet that one of the great mysteries of pregnancy has been revealed and wanting to hold on to it for as long as possible. But I know, for me, I found that sharing info got me even more excited when I saw other people get excited. It felt good to let people in. And I ended up sitting on the gender news for like, an hour, lol.

[papie]

I think it is very silly and you will get lots of eyerolls because you already td all sorts of people. So everyone will know and will know that you are not telling on purpose. Annoying and self-important.

[speckledfrog]

Well, the cat is already out of the bag. Just tell people.

[pacificrules]

Mar 16, 2014 21:23:10 GMT -5 papie said:

I think it is very silly and you will get lots of eyerolls because you already td all sorts of people. So everyone will know and will know that you are not telling on purpose. Annoying and self-important.

Well, we didn't tell "all sorts of people". Our parents (who all live out of state) know and our friends in our church small group know. That's it. No one at work, none of our other friends.

It probably is silly. That's why I'm posting here. To try to figure it out. I know for everyone else it's as easy as saying "just tell!", but it's not that easy for me. And, I can't explain why.

It's helpful to know that it comes across as self-important, because that's NOT my intention or how I'm feeling at all. Maybe even knowing that will get me to let go and just let the cat out of the bag.

Honestly, I think that I'm still dealing with the fact that I really am pregnant, and I really WILL be having a second child. This was not in the cards at ALL so it's been a process for that to sink in. Somehow it feels like keeping the gender a secret lets me still process all that is changing/will change in our lives. I see that that makes little sense to the majority of people on here (which is fine). I thought it would help to hear others' experiences and perspectives. Thanks for sharing yours.

[pacificrules]

Mar 16, 2014 19:47:41 GMT -5 bowies said:

I'm going to equate how you're feeling with how I felt with telling people we were expecting a baby. When that BFP popped I was very much "TELL THE WORLD!" but waited because I'd had a previous m/c. Once I got over the hump of the first few weeks, it morphed from an agitated feeling into a delicious feeling that this was something only my H and I shared. I hit 12 weeks and it was still hard to tell people beyond our parents and close friends. In fact, we waited more until 14/15 weeks. I was surprised that I dragged my heels so much. Part of it was that I wanted to be sure, part of it was that I didn't want to be treated differently, and the biggest part was that I didn't want the world at large to know something I had only shared with a select few. It made it less special in a way. Of course, I quickly got over it and embraced it.

Does this sound like you at all? I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling bittersweet that one of the great mysteries of pregnancy has been revealed and wanting to hold on to it for as long as possible. But I know, for me, I found that sharing info got me even more excited when I saw other people get excited. It felt good to let people in. And I ended up sitting on the gender news for like, an hour, lol.

I think this is probably a good deal of what I'm struggling with. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant. It's been a process to be excited, just because this new change in our lives is so different than what we had expected. (I know I'm blessed and that I will be so thankful to have two kids. It's just been a lot to process.) Because I'm not feeling over-the-moon-excited (yet), I think it's hard for me to let people in and see that they're way more excited than I'm feeling.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. It's really helpful to hear and to be able to "talk" this out.

[pacificrules]

Mar 16, 2014 19:14:24 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

I am confused, so close friends and family know? If so, I really don't get the point of withholding the info if someone asks. What if someone you refused to tell talks to someone who knows?

I would be on board if you had not told anyone.

Our parents (who live out of state) know and a small group of friends. There is no cross-over between the friends that know and those who don't. I know it's confusing, which is part of the reason I posted. I know that I feel strongly about this, but can't really figure out or explain why. (Though, in responding to others, it's becoming a little more clear to me.)

[curbsideprophet]

Did you ask all of the people you did tell not to tell the sex? I just find it hard to believe this type of info will stay just within that small group of people.

Does your DH want to tell people? I know you said he thinks you should just tell people, but that is not necessarily the same thing.

[daisycat]

We found out early from the maternity 21 test, but chose to keep it just between dh and I until after the a/s. that way it up was just us knowing for a bit. We did not tell parents or anyone else until the a/s. But once we told the parents we told anyone else who asked as well. It wasn't a secret anymore.

I get wanting to keep it close for a while, and I might say ok if it was just the parents you told, but once you start telling others, it just seems like its not so much a secret anymore.

That said, we are keeping name options quiet until baby is born (which my mother is incredibly irritated about) but I feel like its our choice and I don't really want any unrequested comments or influences.

[pacificrules]

Mar 16, 2014 22:09:53 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

Did you ask all of the people you did tell not to tell the sex? I just find it hard to believe this type of info will stay just within that small group of people.

Does your DH want to tell people? I know you said he thinks you should just tell people, but that is not necessarily the same thing.

Maybe it's naive of me to think that it will, but I do think it'll stay within that friends group. They don't have any connection to other friends of ours.

But, my H does want to tell people (I found out last night) and agrees with those of you here who say I'm being silly. So, I guess we'll start telling.

I think this post has helped me sort out that my feelings about sharing the gender are linked to my feelings about the pregnancy in general. Even though I've known for several months, I'm still struggling to really 'believe' it and get to a place where I feel excited about what's to come. (I know that may be offensive to some, but that's where I am right now.) The fact that I'm still processing and feeling unsure/insecure, I think, makes it difficult for me to continue to share information with others.

[VillainV]

I agree that it seems kind of silly to tell some people and not others. I don't think you need to make a big announcement out of it or anything, but people will start asking if you know the gender, and I don't see the harm in telling them. I understand wanting to keep it to yourselves, but you've already told people, so that ship has sailed.

[centralsquare]

It doesn't seem silly to me at all. There are so many invasive, yet well-meaning questions. There is so much interest from strangers about things you never wanted to talk about. People apparently touch stomachs unsolicited!

So it doesn't seem at all strange to me that you'd want to share with a few trusted people, but not the whole world.

Don't let your DH diminish your feelings. You have a valid reason to want to protect the info you have. And even if you don't have a valid reason, 1) it's how you feel and your feelings deserve 2) you're the mom. Your body and life have been turned upside down already. No reason that you have to tell if something about it makes you uncomfortable. Wait till you are ready.

[teeah22]

Here's the thing: no one (outside of maybe your immediate family) really cares whether it's a boy or a girl. It's just one of those questions people ask when you're pregnant. It's preceded by "Is it your first?" and "When are you due?" People ask to make conversation. If you don't want to share that information, that's your business, but saying you have it in an envelope that you'll probably open soon is just weird. If your H wants to spill and you don't though, you two need to come to an agreement.

[pinotgrig]

I can truly see both sides here - on the one hand, you feel how you feel. On the other hand, it's a bit odd to tell some people but not others. Also, ditto pp who said that a lot of times when ppl ask it's just a nicety. I know that outside of my really close friends, I tend to forget the gender after I've been told anyways.

I get that your H is ready to tell, but think you need to be on board, too. Only you can decide if telling is something you can truly get behind. If you're really not comfortable with it but go along with H's plan to tell, are you going to be annoyed each time he tells someone?

[ringstrue]

Do you have a son already? Are you a bit freaked about having a girl?

I have to say I felt that way with DD when I first found out and it lasted a few weeks. The best I can describe it is that, when its the same sex as you, you feel more on the spot to be the role model, teach them how to be a girl and a woman, in time. I've also known mothers of boys who really truly seemed relieved to be having a boy because it meant that didn't have to get into certain issues with them (or so they feel).

I agree with the one PP that when you do tell, its very relieving and takes a burden off your shoulders. You will be surprised over time how people will be able to relate to you about your feelings and the "realness". If anything, I say, divulge and open up and you could gain a lot of comfort.

[anna7602]

I'm with centralsquare. Given the information you've shared here, you're still processing all of it and that can take a while. Don't let anyone rush or pressure you. Even if it's hard to articulate why you've told who you've told, that doesn't mean you should just open the gates and tell whoever asks if you're uncomfortable with that.

[starfish79]

We're thinking of doing the same thing-- finding out gender for ourselves, and keeping it to ourselves. I really don't want a shitload of blue or pink stuff or the gender stereotypes that go along with it.

I'm glad you put this question out there. It doesn't sound like many people take that route, but we may.

Let us know what you do!