Post by MadamePresident on Mar 16, 2014 21:38:01 GMT -5
I would probably apologize for yelling to keep the peace in the family.
Does your husband agree with food choices for your kid? If he doesn't, I could see him being a bit embarrassed that you made such a huge deal out of something that is insignificant to him.
As the parent, I do think you get to make reasonable choices for your kid and they should be respected. The one food I really care about Nods not having is chocolate. The two occasions, she had it she went crazy. I don't want her to eat it at her current age. Once I was at Bread Co with my FIL and he wanted to let her have a sip of his Mocha Frappicino. I told him "no way". She is not getting chocolate and caffeine. I think he didn't really think through what he wanted to give her and just wanted her to have a yummy treat.
Post by petitefrite on Mar 17, 2014 1:19:14 GMT -5
I was able to avoid the cake issue by telling my WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY that my kids don't get any sugar of any kind until their first bite of cake at their first birthday party. It actually worked pretty well. Now, after that, my dad was off to the races with feeding DD all sorts of crap. But the no sugar rule stuck.
And I am team you on the food thing. My dad is totally like this. You have to lay down the law, or your kids will come home from a visit with the grandparents with a happy meal and a diet coke if you don't lay down the law.
Post by dulcemariamar on Mar 17, 2014 1:32:48 GMT -5
It doesnt sound like your H is on the same page as you or the story isnt so clear. He was standing with the baby while your BIL was holding a spoon near your LO's mouth? It sounds like he was going to let your BIL feed him cake behind your back.
I think that it it super annoying when people go against your own parenting wishes. I dont know if I would gt snippy with my in-laws in front of a huge crowd. I would get my DH to deal with it.
My SIL went BSC once over my MIL giving her LO a piece of egg when her baby was only six months old, my MIL totally crossed the line but she still feels bad about it. Nobody likes to be embarrassed in public.
Everyone else has covered the major points but I wanted to add... I would not bank on the fact that your kid does not like cake. The texture is weird at first. He may grow to love it. Just don't be surprised if/when it happens.
I wanted to be the one to stick it to FIL. I need to learn how to handle these types of situations bc it'll be a long friggin married life if I don't.
Trust me, let your husband handle his parents.
If you and DH are on the same page and you trust him, then very much this. Let him handle his parents.
But I wonder about this need to 'stick it to" FIL. Do you feel that's necessary because he crosses lines a LOT or is it just that you want to be seen as the authority?
I think it sounds like you were sort of projecting your overall issues with FIL as a grandparent and his role vs just the cake. I would just sort of set the standard of your H should handle the majority of it.
I completely understand though, H and I don't communicate the same way with family, at all. So while we will both be pissed about something together, we don't approach our families the same way, which is 10x harder when there's now a kid involved.
And I'll just offer hugs, my MIL said something about giving E her first taste of chocolate. I shut that down ASAP.
Just wanted to ask, DD eating cake at her 1st birthday party was the best moment of the party. It's the first time she ate cake. At first it's the anticipation of every body to see what she'd do with the cake. She didn't like it at first and was just playing with the frosting, smearing it on the tray. DH sneaked a bit of frosting in her mouth. After she got a taste of it, it's like a light bulb turned on. She devoured it. Everybody laughed!
Given your updates I see how this was not about the cake.
I think that if you did lose your temper with fil, the polite thing to do is to apologize for raising your voice or being rude, what have you. Your dh and your fil owe you apologies for the same.
But absolutely you (and more importantly your dh who they are perhaps more likely to listen to) need to firmly tell them that no means no and that if you can't trust them not to undermine your parenting, you can't ever trust them alone with your children.
I personally think that grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids (they're supposed to be super awesome fun) but that doesn't mean telling kids yes after their parents say no.
Post by everafter07 on Mar 17, 2014 7:42:48 GMT -5
I don't understand all the posts about people being confused as to why the parents don't want the kid to eat cake. They're the parents, it's their choice. The kid doesn't really know the difference at this age anyway, so what's the point in making him try something that's not good for him if the parents don't want him to.
I would absolutely not apologize to FIL, and I would say to H that I would appreciate more backup from him in the future so things don't escalate to the point they did. And you're right, if you give in now, FIL will just try something else. Though he probably will anyway.
I personally think that grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids (they're supposed to be super awesome fun) but that doesn't mean telling kids yes after their parents say no.
That's what grandparents are there for! When my kid is under my mom's watch, what ever she does is her decisions. I'll deal with the aftermath later. Except for the things that are very important to me (morality, enough reasonably healthy food...).
If you and DH are on the same page and you trust him, then very much this. Let him handle his parents.
But I wonder about this need to 'stick it to" FIL. Do you feel that's necessary because he crosses lines a LOT or is it just that you want to be seen as the authority?
I have seen him cross the line A LOT. Like every single time we are with them & BIL/SIL & nephews, he will do something that undermines their authority. He has taken them out of time outs, given them treats they were told they couldn't have, given them the iPad even when BIL said they were grounded from screen time ("Well this is grandpa's iPad so he can play w it!"), has let them watch inappropriate things... And it's not like "oh it's Xmas, let them be kids", it's every.single.time. BIL has a rocky relationship w his father & my SIL is very quiet. She seethes on the inside & has told me. I don't want FIL to think this is how it'll be w us. There are other ways to get this point across though.
I had a feeling it was this. Where is your DH w/ all of this, though? I assume he knows how his dad is, I assume he knows how you feel. So - is he on the same page as you or not? Because from all you've said, it kind of sounds like he isn't. If truly left to his own devices, he'll back down to his dad. IS this the case?
If it is, then I think the talk you need to have with your DH about this and honestly, a part of it would be "If you don't want me to embarrass your dad again, then YOU need to have my back. If I'm doing this alone, then situations like this will probably happen again. I will not have your father undermine our parenting decisions.". I MIGHT concede and agree to apologize for calling him out in front of others, but as others said, I would NOT apologize for telling him to not feed my child cake.
BUT - here's the other aspect to this. Your FIL does all this shit in front of people because he probably thinks he has safety in numbers. "No one" would dare to embarrass him in front of others..... To which clearly he got a bit of a shock on that front.
But - this needs to be discussed w/ your DH too. Even if you were to apologize, how do you know you won't be put in that position again? FIL going against your parenting choices and your DH NOT backing you up? What's going to happen next time? Because you aren't going to kowtow to your FIL.
And I am team you on the food thing. My dad is totally like this. You have to lay down the law, or your kids will come home from a visit with the grandparents with a happy meal and a diet coke if you don't lay down the law.
OK, I'm coming at this from a place with caring, sane in-laws. But if my kids happen to ingest a happy meal while on an overnight with people who love them to pieces, allowing DH and I to go out to a real dinner that starts later than 5:30 and then maybe even sleep past 5:30am the next day, that is just peachy. I think some perspective helps here. Not everything can be a parental hot-button issue.
I think people are missing the fact that its not about the cake. its the fact that your FIL seems to think he as a grandparent trumps the parent of the child.
Not missing it. See: They should listen to you.
Sounds like two very stubborn people butting heads.
This. I do think that you need to choose very carefully what your major concerns will be. Grandparents are, well, grandparents. They think that "sneaking" food is OK*. My ILs drive me crazy on so many fronts, but I have to choose my battles carefully. Napping is my battle, so I let the food stuff go. If cake is your battle, fine. But I do think that there are bigger battles out there and sometimes you just have to compromise on some stuff to make a stand for the big stuff.
If this is your battle to die on, no apology necessary. If it is not, perhaps an adult conversation about the real issue at hand (undermining) is necessary.
*Please note that if there are allergy issues at hand that is a different story.
Thanks everyone. I agree that I should have handled it differently & in the future I will. H & I are on the same page about what to feed him and I am sure he wasn't going to let his brother give S any. H just wasn't aggressive about it bc it's his family. While we agree about the food, I don't think this is his hill to die on, & I was ready to shoot FIL down bc of what I've seen in the past. I definitely overreacted & I wouldn't have wanted to be treated that way in front of other people. I may sit with FIL & apologize about the delivery off the message but not the message itself. And yeah, I am sure one day S will like cake. He's not even 1 yet and I personally don't think it's something we need to add to his plate, especially when he showed very little interest when we took pics (he wasn't upset, he just didn't want to put it in his mouth... We had to put his hands in it, then H smeared some frosting for pictures). It's a power struggle w FIL, for sure. I don't think I would have even said anything if someone else was spooning a little cake into his mouth. Clearly I need to work on that & I really appreciate everyone's responses bc they helped me think it out.
Should you be able to have a calm, sit down, Come to Jesus talk with your FIL, I would hope your DH would be involved and you could calmly explain to your FIL your position on what you feed your kid.
HOWever, I don't see your FIL changing anytime soon, so when the situation reappears, and we all know it will, in the moment I would say to him "why do you think undermining my parenting choices is ok?" <--- blank/confused face. Don't be angry or harsh (even if you are internally seeting). Let him defend being the Defiant Grandpa to you. It is completely ok to say "you may think it is just cake, just coke, or just junk food, but I will have to deal with an overhyped, cranky toddler once you are done blithly feeding him crap. I said 'no', and I meant 'no'." Said Brightly, of course.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Mar 17, 2014 8:58:19 GMT -5
I think that you are letting your issues with your FIL make this a much bigger issue than it should be. If you're FIL was trying to give cake to a 6 month old, sure explode. But your kid is almost a year, I really think one bite of cake that he will probably barely eat is going to harm anything. I know your FIL is undermining you, and yes this is an issue. But honestly that generation does not view or understand food the same way we do. I think this is a real issue if you see FIL regularly and he is a regular care taker, then yes this needs to be nipped in the butt. BUT if you rarely see him and this is a once in awhile family get together than I think you're having a way over reaction. I mean I get not wanting your kid to have sugar and soda, but blowing up at FIL in front of all the family over a little piece of cake is too much. one piece of cake is not going to give your kid a lifelong addiction to sugar. I just wanted you to see another perspective.
haha also, your cake smash picture really don't portray a kid unhappy with cake ; ) I think alot of kids pick at it the first time. they've never had anything like it. I bet he will start to like it after a few more tastes.
I have seen him cross the line A LOT. Like every single time we are with them & BIL/SIL & nephews, he will do something that undermines their authority. He has taken them out of time outs, given them treats they were told they couldn't have, given them the iPad even when BIL said they were grounded from screen time ("Well this is grandpa's iPad so he can play w it!"), has let them watch inappropriate things... And it's not like "oh it's Xmas, let them be kids", it's every.single.time. BIL has a rocky relationship w his father & my SIL is very quiet. She seethes on the inside & has told me. I don't want FIL to think this is how it'll be w us. There are other ways to get this point across though.
I had a feeling it was this. Where is your DH w/ all of this, though? I assume he knows how his dad is, I assume he knows how you feel. So - is he on the same page as you or not? Because from all you've said, it kind of sounds like he isn't. If truly left to his own devices, he'll back down to his dad. IS this the case?
If it is, then I think the talk you need to have with your DH about this and honestly, a part of it would be "If you don't want me to embarrass your dad again, then YOU need to have my back. If I'm doing this alone, then situations like this will probably happen again. I will not have your father undermine our parenting decisions.". I MIGHT concede and agree to apologize for calling him out in front of others, but as others said, I would NOT apologize for telling him to not feed my child cake.
BUT - here's the other aspect to this. Your FIL does all this shit in front of people because he probably thinks he has safety in numbers. "No one" would dare to embarrass him in front of others..... To which clearly he got a bit of a shock on that front.
But - this needs to be discussed w/ your DH too. Even if you were to apologize, how do you know you won't be put in that position again? FIL going against your parenting choices and your DH NOT backing you up? What's going to happen next time? Because you aren't going to kowtow to your FIL.
SO- what does your DH want to do about this?
This is all what I would put to your DH.
Good luck!
All this but I wouldn't apologize. Maybe your delivery wasn't the best but it wouldn't have come to that if he would have backed off when you said no.
And I'm ok with DD being a little spoiled by her grandparents but they also respect our boundaries. That means that they DO get to spoil her because they use their brains. I personally would just not go around him very often but I'm a bitch like that.
And I am team you on the food thing. My dad is totally like this. You have to lay down the law, or your kids will come home from a visit with the grandparents with a happy meal and a diet coke if you don't lay down the law.
OK, I'm coming at this from a place with caring, sane in-laws. But if my kids happen to ingest a happy meal while on an overnight with people who love them to pieces, allowing DH and I to go out to a real dinner that starts later than 5:30 and then maybe even sleep past 5:30am the next day, that is just peachy. I think some perspective helps here. Not everything can be a parental hot-button issue.
I agree with this. We made a deal with the ILs when my first son was little. Feed him exactly as we ask until he's one and then you can go nuts. If you give us a date night and you decide to have banana splits for dinner, have a blast and enjoy being grandparents.
She repeatedly said no. There are no mixed messages. FIL continued to push the issue. So what if it's just cake? She said no. That is the only thing that matters. If he isn't going to listen what should she do? Let FIL do what he's known to do and give her kid cake, then talk to him later? That's like putting a toddler in time out a week after they did something wrong at a family gathering the week prior. It will not register that what they did was wrong.
You are the parent, OP. You didn't start off when saying no by screaming. You said you kept telling him no, he wouldn't listen so you had to get firm. It's your kid. You did what you needed to do at the time. Your DH owes you an apology. And your FIL needs to be put firmly in his place regarding undermining your parenting choices.
I've been there with pushy grandparents. MIL used to try to pull that crap all the time. DD1 had an issue with milk for 2 years. Every time MIL was around she would push us to give her milk, try to sneak it to her or loudly tell anyone around that we were so mean for keeping her from drinking it. No, she can't have it. She would try to buy all of the "1st" outfits, ie 1st Christmas, 1st Easter, etc. we told her we had it covered. She would do it anyway and whine about the kids not wearing them. There are countless more, but the point is DH and I shut it down every time. I do not care who hears me. I'm not allowing someone other than my kids' parents make decisions for my kids. Yes, grandparents can be the "fun ones" but not at the expense of the parents wishes.
the cake itself isn't even that important. your FIL insisted on something with your son that you have explicitly said you are not okay with.
team you.
Exactly. Also, I don't think your H was appropriately supportive. Even if your desires are irrational (which I don't think they are but some have alluded to that), your kid = your rules.
the cake itself isn't even that important. your FIL insisted on something with your son that you have explicitly said you are not okay with.
team you.
This exactly. I don't understand the issue with cake at a bday party per se but what it comes down to is its your kid and everyone else has to respect your decisions.
We must have the same FIL. Mine still gives me a hard time because I don't let them give my kids freaking candy bars on their first halloweens and cake at everyones birthdays parties. I laid down the law with my first, it hasn't been an issue since. I know they think I am "that mom" but I don't care. A baby doesn't need sugar and junk. Unless the can ask for it, I am not going to just blindly give a baby cake because we happen to be at a birthday party. Team you.
I don't think you need to apologize, but I would say try harder to keep your cool in the future. There's no reason to yell at your FIL in front of the whole family over cake. I know it's about more than cake, but also, it's not, kwim? It's not like he was putting him in a dangerous situation that warranted an aggressive reaction. There were ways to be firm about this without yelling or snapping.
Also, maybe let your DH handle IL stuff whenever possible. At the end of your saga you said your DH "finally" stepped in, but it sounds like originally he was the one talking to your FIL, and then you got involved. Thinking back, was that necessary, or would your DH have handled it? It kind of sounds like either you don't trust your DH to parent properly, or you just wanted to be the one to stick it your FIL, and I can't imagine either of those situations ending well.
This is where I'm at.
I would just disengage politely from future situations, change the subject, leave the room. State firmly what you want to say and then just don't discuss further.
I'm a little confused, if he doesn't like cake won't he just not eat it if FIL gives it to him? Then problem solved - they gave him cake, he won't eat it...end of discussion.
Bc I don't want him to eat cake anyway. And I don't want FIL thinking he can give him whatever he wants bc he's "grandpa". Next step is soda.
If it makes you feel any better, DD just told me the other day that my mom is always offering her Coca-Cola when I am not around and she says "no" because "soda is gross." I am okay with treats here and there, but I draw the line at soda. I don't even drink it myself, so it would piss me off if my kid started drinking it.
Anyway, team @natariru all the way. I feel like certain people just feel like they are owed an apology whenever anyone contradicts them, no matter how polite or diplomatic you are about it. That doesn't mean they deserve the apology at all.
And I am team you on the food thing. My dad is totally like this. You have to lay down the law, or your kids will come home from a visit with the grandparents with a happy meal and a diet coke if you don't lay down the law.
OK, I'm coming at this from a place with caring, sane in-laws. But if my kids happen to ingest a happy meal while on an overnight with people who love them to pieces, allowing DH and I to go out to a real dinner that starts later than 5:30 and then maybe even sleep past 5:30am the next day, that is just peachy. I think some perspective helps here. Not everything can be a parental hot-button issue.
And THIS, my internet friend, is the key difference. My dad is cray cray. I don't even know where to start, but he's just.... not someone who pays attention to the details of um, safety, common sense, and generally socially normal behaviors. For starters (just about food), he has really serious diabetes, but does nothing about it. He considers giving my kid crappy food his job, and eating right along with her his special grandpa duty. Its not that she might get a happy meal once in a while, its the soda for a 1 year old that if I wasn't adamant about her not having it, she'd be addicted to by now. She's 2 now, and he tried to give her some of his coffee about 6 weeks ago. Like, black coffee from a diner. He said "she asked for it," and if he gave it to her, she'd probably not like it and stop asking. ^o) I honestly had to tell him not to give her a f-ing cup of coffee! Food for me is a hot button issue because my dad, who doesn't have a mean bone in his body, is irresponsible with nutrition and many many other things. I admit I'm much harder on him than I am on anyone else, but this is because I don't know any other person who would be as dismissive with my wishes. Which is exactly what I felt the OP was going through.
(my) DH is very laid back in general. I am not, in general.
When around my ILs, DH goes into "respecting my parents, this is their home, duty, honor, good son" etc role that frankly I can't/don't identify with because my parents just... nope. I am used to being the adult and have been mostly independent since 16 (and dutiful and approval seeking, but self-sufficient)
I get very rankled when my ILs take over. I see the behavior risen exponentially when ILs are around GPILs (so, H' dad's parent's) and its a multigenerational kowtowing.
There is often an expectation that subsequent elders call the shots. Many post-mortem's have happened with DH and I where I'm all "we agreed X" and he's all "but my dad/mom didn't mean any harm/offense" he absolutely can't see that I find it offensive and disrespectful that they disregard my parenting preferences. (Um, yes, it is disrespectful, I birthed them, we raise them, not the ILs)
The truce we have reached is a modified "their house/their rules" / "our house/our rules." This occasionally doesn't work, but has settled some of the me/DH problems that were arising.
Good luck!
Your specific situation? Yup, can totally see it happening.