What kind of advice-giver are you?

[pantsoffdanceoff]

I am not good at the tough love.  I am like the super supportive friend.  If I do have to give negative advice I feel like I always qualify it at the end with "but whatever you decide I will support you."

However, if my friends were going to do something illegal or super immoral like hook up with a married man then I would shut that shit down or stop being friends with them. 

[prettyinpearls]

I think it depends on who I’m giving advice to and how I think they’ll best receive it. One of my friends is a lot like me and can handle the tough conversations or little the little things roll off her back. My other friend, however, is extremely sensitive and gets defensive at the drop of a hat.

[cuddlyevil]

I am the supportive, cheerleader. I give great pep talks.

I can do the tough love, but I don't like to because I'm a people pleaser so I don't like my advice to make people sad.

[jojoandleo]

I tend to be straight and honest. I don't necessarily sugar coat things, but I don't mean MOST of what I say out of meanness, but out of concern. My own mother called me cold, so, yeah. I try and cushion it by stating I say it out of concern. However, I have certain friends I know I have to kind of coddle, and I either stay out of the advice giving altogether, or try to ask questions to lead them to understand why someone might be concerned on their own.

Sometimes, I am straight up bitch. I get a little too passionate about things sometimes and hurt my cause. I have trouble knowing when to just WALK AWAY (but I am working on that and I feel I have been better about it on here).

[becwheat]

Since my separation I can be both a cheerleader or a "come to Jesus" talk giver.

If it a major life decision (relationship/kids/family/job) I can't hide how I feel about things much anymore. If they ask me my opinion I will give it, but I try to do it in a respectful way. I will be calm and direct. If it a "little" thing something I can support even if I may not like it (hair/tattoo/hobby).

I am a very positive person in general and can usually find a bright side to almost anything. If I get serious my friends tend to listen and consider my opinion. Not that they always take my advice, but they respect my input.

[bowies]

IRL I like to ask questions so I can get them thinking. I know my straight-up opinion is often worth a pound of nothing, but if they can get there themselves, it'll resonate more. Plus I can cover my ass in case they decide not to do any thinking and ignore whatever the problem is. I don't want to be cut out if I think they need a support system. It doesn't stop me from trying again (...and again) either.

On here, I'm more straight-forward since I'm missing the nuances of context and tone and personal history. I do try to be pragmatic in what I say. Sometimes snark/humor sneaks through. I'm only human.

[Deleted]

I am always straightfoward and honest. If you dont want my opinion dont ask. I dont sugar coat anything ever. Some people like it, some people dont, but i am who i am. At least when people talk to me they know i will tell the truth. As my students tell me all the time...Ms. Z you keep it real!
I also hate when people tell others how they should give advice thinking that their way is the right way. I think that it is good that people do it differently, because not everyone is good at recieving any one particular type of advice. Some people need hand holding, some need a kick in the ass.
I would like to add that i will only give advice for so long. If a person keeps asking for adivce but does not do anythign to change their situation I will stop giving advice. Why waste my time? And yes, i will tell them that!

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I am very much a tough love person when it's with people I know and trust. I've had friends get frustrated with me because I suck at just saying "that sucks" or just listening, but I struggle with that.

[Deleted]

It depends on the situation. I'm good at gauging when my friends just want someone to sympathize or they actually want my advice. I also will do a lot of questions to make them think about the situation. Sometimes I go with tough love, but it's usually my last approach.

[MyName]

I'm very straightforward and analytical. I like to play devil's advocate to advance the analysis, and I try to ask questions that get to why they are asking for the advice and what they actually want/intend to do. I try to find the best case scenario for that person, whether it is one of the options they're considering or a compromise they haven't thought of yet. I'm pretty good at calming people down, getting past their immediate feelings, and focusing on action.

[gault]

It depends on the person. I tend to be more of the listening and understanding, and re-phrasing their feelings to make sure the person knows I get it and understand where they're coming from. And then offer possible solutions if they ask for them.

But once in awhile I am to-the-point and tough love. I'd say 80/20

[Deleted]

Here: It depends. Usually comfortable with saying the things others might dance around.

IRL: I am pretty much the same. I have learned to say nothing to a select few who won't listen/advice is wasted on.

If someone says: "I do not want advice, I just want to vent." = I respect that.

If someone says they want advice, I give them the truth as I see it.

[glitzyglow]

I tend to treat others as they prefer to be treated in that moment. I don't often resort to "tough love" because I don't personally enjoy when someone does it to me when I'm not seeking it.

[Deleted]

Mar 18, 2014 9:30:57 GMT -5 bowies said:

IRL I like to ask questions so I can get them thinking. I know my straight-up opinion is often worth a pound of nothing, but if they can get there themselves, it'll resonate more. Plus I can cover my ass in case they decide not to do any thinking and ignore whatever the problem is. I don't want to be cut out if I think they need a support system. It doesn't stop me from trying again (...and again) either.

This is basically what I do. I try to avoid telling them what to do, though if asked I might say "if it were me, I'd do X". I do try to remember that there is more than one "right" way of doing things and that my way isn't always going to be best for other people.

[riverpestie]

Mar 18, 2014 10:44:47 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I tend to treat others as they prefer to be treated in that moment. I don't often resort to "tough love" because I don't personally enjoy when someone does it to me when I'm not seeking it.

Agreed.

[camelblossom]

I shoot from the hip, so I often have a hard time hiding my true opinion about situations. I'm working on being a better listener and someone to vent to. But generally, my friends know that I am the person to come to if you want straight talk- be it cheer leading or CTJ.

[Wanderista]

In person? I'm a very loyal friend and willing listener. I am there to help people. I usually do not have a tough love approach. I base my advice on what a person seems to want and I'm often good at letting people vent. It really depends upon what the person seems to need. I rarely do tough love because I am kind of hard to shock. I try to take anyone from the point where they are and then gently nudge them towards being happier. My interest is that they become happier, not necessarily that they "do it my way". I will admit that I have been shocked while giving advice in the past but while I might initially raise my eyebrows, I often work past that internally and then meet the person "where they are in the problem". 

I have a lot of varied friendships with different people. But yeah, basically once someone is really my friend, they stay my friend and as long as they are genuine with me then I will see them through their problems. There are times when I get tired or frustrated and need space. That's part of why I like having a number of different and unconnected friends. I'll shift between them at any given time depending upon how things are. But yeah, as long as someone is genuine about being my friend, then I am there for them too. If I detect any kind of "issues" with me, like if they turn on me or I sense that someone isn't genuinely my friend, then yeah, I pull back. That rarely happens these days, post school days hehe. I'm selective about my time, so yeah, I don't waste time with people who are dramatic with me (like if they have some problem with me). These days I have such a high quantity of quality friends (though they are scattered all over geographically) that I don't really get dependent upon any particular person.

I do honestly think that I am very supportive with those who become my friends. I have a lot of people skills when it comes to reading and understanding people. I'm not perfect and yeah, different approaches work at different times, but generally, I'm good. If anything, I've probably given too much time or effort to friends who "crapped out" on me, but that was back when I was in high school and college. That has not happened since then because I'm much better at filtering who I want in my life and who I do not.

This is a complicated subject and there is more that I could say but it's hard to be specific without using examples. I don't just hold someone's hand all the time. I kind of do a mix of different approaches. If I really disagree with someone, I rarely jump out and say, "Your life choice is wrong," but I may try to guide them towards my line of thinking as time progresses. I try to let them get there and sometimes I revise my own opinion with new information. I'd call my style "supportive".

[Wanderista]

Adding this in a separate post because my other one felt like it was getting lengthy. For example, if my friend were having an affair with a married man (which has never so far happened), I wouldn't unfriend them. I would try to understand the situation and to help them through things. I will say that if they are someone who just wants to willfully hurt people, well, they probably wouldn't end up being my close friend in the first place. I have no time for people who are predatory in nature (sociopathic, narcissistic, assholes, etc). Anyway, I guess I'm willing to be there for people even when they are flawed if I can help them and also if they are a friend to me.

Once someone is really "in" with me, I can forgive a lot. That's probably where I ran into problems in the past. I was slow to let go of people who started out as intimate friends and then turned on me. It sometimes took me years to get over certain friendships. It's not like I didn't do anything else while getting over them, but I'd have some lingering residual emotions for years.

So yeah, I like having a lot of different and intimate friendships with people. I'm very loyal and I will see them through their tough times and bad decisions. I've had a few bad fall outs over the years with people who frankly were not worth my friendship. It just took a lot of growing up for me to get to the point where I am now of saying, "They blew it with me, that's their problem." I have both old and new friends. I will say that I am good at making new and fairly intimate friendships even now. There just tend to be more of them and we hang out with less frequency than my friends from younger days obviously, but we're as intimate and deep as those friendships were if not more so (I say that but am still friends with some people from my old days). Life is good hehe.

[Deleted]

I'm a pretty straightforward person and I don't tend to sugarcoat things.  But I do try to be understanding and empathize with the person.  
Example--my friend was dating a scumbag and I told her--I understand you care for the man and it sucks to start over, but you told me xyz and that's horrible and you deserve better.  

[Deleted]

I try to understand where people are coming from and be sensitive to their needs, but also honest with my advice.