If you adopted/looked into adoption

[Deleted]

How long did the process take for you? Are there any books on the matter that you found helpful? How many agencies did you work with, and what are some qualities you like/dislike about them? What were some the parameters you set and why? Did you take a 'break'? 

I know I've mentioned before, but H and I have been looking up adopting our next child. H and I spoke about it again about a week ago, and he wants to get the ball moving on really looking into our options, because in two/three years we'll either try naturally again or do this, and he wants both choices fully vetted at that time so that we're compelled to make our decision on facts and not emotion. We went to a conference before O was born giving information on fostering to adopting with the state, but I'm not sure I have the ability to home a child for three years or longer on the hope of possibly adopting, and then it falling through. I was also not crazy with the state caseworker we were meeting with at the time, she really seemed to gloss over a lot of our questions once we said we were open to older children and down syndrome. We have met with two other agencies, but neither of us got the best vibes from them as well. 

What we kind of have ironed out so far is:
US adoption preferably, but we would consider international adoptions from Kazakhstan and China if it was a good fit. International adoption is not our priority. 
We're ok with adopting older children, possibly a sibling set. We're also comfortable with a down syndrome, mild to moderate autism or HIV+ diagnosis. 
Drug use while pregnant is ok, but no alcohol if possible.
Would prefer an open adoption
We would like to select from the demographics that have trouble adopting out in our state: so for a single adoption that would be a black male, for a sibling set it would be Hispanic. 


I feel overwhelmed at all the different options we have to look at, and to be frank, a lot of it is grating to me. We've really spent the most time looking into down syndrome adoption, and it is so HARD to weed through all the Christian martyr bruhaha. It is a huge commitment emotionally and financially, and it totally bugs that I'm getting a lot of watered down resources that basically romanticize the idea and how perfect it is. I don't expect a DS child without heart issues or with a thorough medical history...but what I want are honest testimonies of how families have worked through that. I guess I just can't take the leap of faith, if that makes sense. Now I'm starting to question if I'm cut out to adopt at all since I'm already frustrated and we've yet to make a real move at anything. 

[kailamc2]

I don't have any personal experience with it but a blog I read, they have one biological child, adopted twins here is the US and then adopted a little girl from Ukraine(?) that has downs. They are in the process to internationally adopt another little boy. look up Growing Wests . It is the first choice that came up on google for me, it's the bloglovin link. (At work so I can't get a link sorry). Some of her older posts talk about some of the struggles they faced with the twins and there are also some ones about their little girl with downs. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Deleted]

@jermys

[karmasabiotch]

Adoptions for Dummies was a good starting place for us. Also, the adoption board over on the Bump was helpful.

We didn't end up adopting because we kept getting turned away from agencies because we were Jewish and not married long enough at the time but were also starting to bump into the age restrictions.  H's hearing was also used against us.

At some point in the future if J becomes more manageable and I'm in a better place in my marriage or am divorced, I will look into a foster to adopt situation of an older child.

[georgiagal1221]

My daughter is adopted. Our situation was a bit different. Her birth mom is my husband's non-biological niece(long story). This was her 2nd child in less than 2 years, unmarried, same dad for both. She wanted to continue with college and knew she couldn't take care of 2 children right now and give them the best life possible.

We had tried for 2 years, unsuccessfully to get pregnant, several IUI's and was on the way to IVF. I am clinically diagnosed as Unexplained Infertility, which sucks when there is no reason not to get pregnant.

So this situation sort of fell into our laps. Lol!

For our adoption, the whole process took almost 3 months. We had to have a home study, be finger-printed by the FBI and GBI (State of Ga), etc. The home study was the most stressful because it was so freaking involved. Meaning, we had to have letters of recommendation from family and friends, records of our dog and cat vaccinations, obtain a statement of any 911 calls that originated from our house, copies of financials, and many,many other things.

This was an out of state adoption so I had to stay in NC until the state of NC and the state of Ga said that we could cross state lines with her. There is a thing called an Interstate Compact and that is ALL of the info from the home study and the attorney and it must be OK'd by the state of NC and the state of Ga before we were allowed back into Ga with her. That process took 7 days. So I stayed with my in-laws for 7 days. My husband had to come back home and work until we were able to come home.

It was the best decision I ever made. This little girl is my love!

Feel free to ask any other questions. I am an open book about this.

[noodleskooze]

I have no experience or advice, but I read OP and wanted to say I think the fact that you've so thoughtful considered the things you want/don't want, can/can't handle is a sign that you guys CAN do this if you decide to (responding to your doubts at the end).

This makes me admire you even more than before

[minaharker]

DH and I are currently in the process of finalizing our son's adoption (US domestic). It took us 8 months from deciding we were definitely going to adopt to bringing DS home from the hospital. During those 8 months we had background checks completed, filled out tons of paperwork including providing information about our family histories, medical histories, finances, etc. and had a social worker in our home to interview us and view the house. We also created an adoptive family profile that included pictures and a short video about us.

Adoption for Dummies is a good book that provides an overview on the many different types of adoption and what you can expect during the home study/waiting process. I also recommend checking out adoptivefamilies.com if you haven't already.

We worked with two agencies. One agency completed our home study and post placement visits. The other, our primary agency, handled the creating and advertising of our profile, along with all the legal aspects of the adoption including ICPC as our son was born out of state. We love the agency we chose to work with. They are quick to respond to all communications, and were very thorough in explaining the entire process to us. Most importantly, they have great social workers who were so kind to both us and DS' birth mother and have continued to follow up with all of us. The only downside to the agency we chose, that I can see, is the expense.

As far as parameters go, we were open to a variety of drug use by the birth mother, however we were not open to alcohol during pregnancy other than a small amount. The birth mother's medical history was also a consideration for us and we were open to just about anything there as well.

We did not take a break. We were extremely lucky in how quickly we were matched with a birth mother. Our profile went "active" with our agency in early October and a birth mother picked us in late October with DS being born in late November.

I understand how overwhelming adoption can be, and I definitely get you about the romanticized versions of adoption. They are everywhere. I can't talk about special needs adoption specifically because this time around we did not consider it. Some of our most challenging conversations during this process revolved around not having a thorough medical history and whether we could be open to adopting a baby affected by a birth mother's drug or alcohol use. It is hard to take that leap of faith, but somehow we were able to do it. I honestly think at some point we just became so desperate for a child that we just went for it. Not sure how healthy or smart that was, but I'm being honest.

We have an open adoption which has so far been wonderful. We signed an agreement with our birth mother that we will visit her once a year, call her twice a year, and communicate via e-mail or text at least once a month. I love sending the monthly e-mails because I can talk about DS as much as I want and I know I won't be annoying her lol.

Good luck to you and sorry for how long this got!

[karenj]

My H and I adopted through the foster care system here in MO. We had to take classes to foster and since we wanted to adopt we also took adoption classes. They told us in our classes that we would not get babies. We picked up to age 9. Our first placement was a girls of 12. LOL. And we did adopt her. She is 23 now. She was placed with us Memorial day weekend. On June 18 of the same year we received a placement of a 15 month old and a 4 month old. Bio siblings. They were only suppose to be with us for a couple days but 2 years later we were able to adopt them also. They are now 13 and 12. There were many ups and downs in the process. They did visits with their bio's for those 2 years but the bio's just could never get it together. The bio's signed termination papers and we were able to adopt.

[Deleted]

minaharker thank you! That was very helpful! Were you able to find your agencies quickly, or did you have to shop around a bit?

[Deleted]

Mar 20, 2014 12:31:08 GMT -5 karenj said:

My H and I adopted through the foster care system here in MO. We had to take classes to foster and since we wanted to adopt we also took adoption classes. They told us in our classes that we would not get babies. We picked up to age 9. Our first placement was a girls of 12. LOL. And we did adopt her. She is 23 now. She was placed with us Memorial day weekend. On June 18 of the same year we received a placement of a 15 month old and a 4 month old. Bio siblings. They were only suppose to be with us for a couple days but 2 years later we were able to adopt them also. They are now 13 and 12. There were many ups and downs in the process. They did visits with their bio's for those 2 years but the bio's just could never get it together. The bio's signed termination papers and we were able to adopt.

This is what is concerning to me. As I understand it, in TX you have the option as a foster to select long term or short term placement. Family friends who chose to do short term placement have had the same sibling set for two 1/2 years (so now they have a 2 1/2 and 4 year old) instead of the initially agreed two weeks, and are now having a hard time parting with the boys. The boys will be going back to their bio family in a month or so. 

Have you had any difficulties specific to adopting older children? 

[minaharker]

Glad I could be of some help. I shopped around quite a bit. I'm in Texas and so I started with Texas specific agencies. I sent off a lot of requests for information and it took a long time to go through it all, probably about a year or so before we made the decision to adopt instead of pursuing IVF. Had we not also been considering fertility treatments I would have decided on our agency very quickly. The agency we ended up with works in all 50 states and we chose them because of the nationwide exposure our profile would get.

[karenj]

I typed this whole beautiful response and than lost it. 

It can be really tough to foster.  My girls did visits for 2 years and it was back and forth the entire time about them going home.  I decided that I would take it one day at a time and love them the best for that day.  My friend was going through the process at the same time and she was a total ball of nerves for the entire 2 years. 

We did foster their younger bio siblings for 9 months.  At one time I had a 14 year old(our oldest adopted daughter), a 12 year old foster daughter, a 4 year old adopted daughter, a 3 year old adopted daughter, a 2 year old foster son and twin 1 year old foster daughters.  Our house was choas but I loved it.  When the 3 younger ones went home after 9 months it was like they had died.  And yes I do know what it feels like to have a child die.  We gave up foster care after that.  The 12 year old had also gone back to her bio mom.  I kind of lost faith in the system after that for awhile.  None of the children were going back to good situations.  But 8 years later we have reconnected with the little kids.  Who are now 10 and 9.  My girls are 13 and 12.  In fact they have spent the night at our home 5 or 6 times.  They are still with the bio dad.  My girls have no desire to meet him though.  The former foster daughter is living in Texas and engaged to be married.  We keep track of each other on facebook.  Our older daughter decided to go back to where her bio family lives when she was of age. 

There are many ups and downs with foster care.  But I think that is with anyway you start a family.  I am still amazed everyday that I am the mother to these beautiful, funny, smart girls.  I would change if for the world.

Good luck with your decision and journey.

Mar 20, 2014 12:36:07 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Mar 20, 2014 12:31:08 GMT -5 karenj said:

My H and I adopted through the foster care system here in MO. We had to take classes to foster and since we wanted to adopt we also took adoption classes. They told us in our classes that we would not get babies. We picked up to age 9. Our first placement was a girls of 12. LOL. And we did adopt her. She is 23 now. She was placed with us Memorial day weekend. On June 18 of the same year we received a placement of a 15 month old and a 4 month old. Bio siblings. They were only suppose to be with us for a couple days but 2 years later we were able to adopt them also. They are now 13 and 12. There were many ups and downs in the process. They did visits with their bio's for those 2 years but the bio's just could never get it together. The bio's signed termination papers and we were able to adopt.

This is what is concerning to me. As I understand it, in TX you have the option as a foster to select long term or short term placement. Family friends who chose to do short term placement have had the same sibling set for two 1/2 years (so now they have a 2 1/2 and 4 year old) instead of the initially agreed two weeks, and are now having a hard time parting with the boys. The boys will be going back to their bio family in a month or so. 

Have you had any difficulties specific to adopting older children? 

[ndgrl]

We adopted our son in 2012 (domestic infant adoption).  I began with books (mainly Adoption for Dummies, as others have mentioned), so that I could get a handle on what kind of adoption we wanted to pursue. Financially, we were not in a position to pursue international adoption; plus, we were interested in an open adoption, so that narrowed it down a bit for us.  We also decided to go through an agency (rather than work with a facilitator or lawyer) because we wanted the birthparents to have access to quality counselling and support, and to really feel like they were making a good and healthy decision (not being pressured into it).  I queried several agencies for materials about their process in our state, and spoke to 2 or 3 of them on the phone.  I ended up choosing our agency because I felt that they were really committed to making adoption a positive experience for the whole triad (birthparents, adoptive parents, and child), through offering counselling services for all parties and being careful to have a separate advocate for each party as well in the process.  Practically, the agency also had very affordable fees, with the bulk being paid post-placement (low financial risk).  The trade-off for going with a smaller local agency was a longer wait time, but we were prepared for that.  We waited a year and a half for our son.

It is wonderful that you are thinking about what special needs you think you could take, and I know others have more experience with that kind of thing.  I will say that our son was diagnosed in utero with possible hydrocephaly (which we were told of at the same time we were told we had been chosen to be his parents).  The hydrocephalus did not end up being an issue, though the focus on that possibility led to and MRI in the hospital and his diagnosis of other brain abnormalities.  In the end, we decided to take a leap, not knowing exactly what to expect, and we are so glad that we did.  Adoption is a hard thing, because you do get some prior information and it can feel like you are picking and choosing in a way that you don't with biological kids (if a bio child had been diagnosed the same, there was no question we would have just moved forward); however there are also many things that you don't control in the same way you would if you were pregnant (drug and alcohol use, etc).  We tried to keep a balance between those factors as we decided on what situations we felt that we could handle.

[Jermys]

Mar 20, 2014 11:29:55 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

How long did the process take for you?
It took a year for paperwork for our first process and six months for our second.  Mostly because we are lazy as fuck, and also because the state lost my fingerprints BOTH times.  Fucking Illinois, man.  Once our paperwork was finished and our profiles were active, we waited 8 months and 3 weeks to bring Edith home and 1 year and 2 months to bring Freddie home.

Are there any books on the matter that you found helpful?
Adoption for Dummies is a great resource.
And for transracial adoption, we both liked I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, Black Baby, White Hands, and Growing Up Black In White.

How many agencies did you work with, and what are some qualities you like/dislike about them?
We worked with one agency.  We went to a few different information meetings and this was the one with which we connected the best.  They have a stellar reputation and are known in the adoption world for having unbendable ethics.  They provide lifelong counseling to birthparents and adoptees and are staunch supporters of openness.  They have also been around for like 85 or 90 years, so they're really the gold standard for our state.  We needed to be sure our adoptions were as ethical and moral as possible for our own peace of mind.

What were some the parameters you set and why?
We adopted domestically (as opposed to internationally or foster to adopt) specifically through our agency's black and biracial program. We chose that program for two reasons. One, our extended family is multi-racial, so we felt that we would be a good fit for a child of another race. Two, the wait is typically shorter because there are fewer people willing or able to adopt black and biracial children. Often, it's less expensive as well, although with our agency, that's not the case unless at least one of the prospective adopters is black or biracial.

We also specified things that we were willing to have in our child's birthparent medical and social history and things that we didn't feel we could handle.  We didn't feel we could handle a rape or incest situation, for example, because we would have to explain that to our child someday.  We also didn't feel comfortable with alcohol because it's so unpredictable and FAS/FAE are scary as fuck.  Drug use was totally not an issue for either of us, but we still decided on a case by case basis.

Did you take a 'break'? 
Only for like two months after I had my surgery.  Other than that, we were being shown pretty much constantly.

Since you are open to adopting transracially, I will address that specifically. You will need to look into the demographics of your area and your neighborhood. Are you in a diverse area? Will your black son be the only black child in his school/scouting troop/church/etc. Are you in an area that flies the Confederate flag? Are you prepared to ALWAYS be conspicuous when you're with your family? The only time I am ever anonymous is when I'm alone, which is rarely, and it's not because my kids are so freaking adorable

That's another thing, raising children in a transracial adoption has layers. Not only are you dealing with the adoption stuff that will arise, you are dealing with race. Your adorable black child is going to grow up to be a black man, and that can be some heavy shit, especially since you're coming from a place of privilege. Do you have any close friends who are black or Latino? It certainly helps that our kids have amazing black role models who they can emulate and talk to if need be.  

Honestly, it's not always easy and anyone who says it's a bed of roses is a lying fuck, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  This love is unlike anything else, and the family we've gained through our kids' birthfamilies is incredible.

[lb2006]

We're adopting - internationally.

We've read The Connected Child & In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption (for relatives).

For us, we're approaching our two year mark on starting the process (April 1st).  We started researching in 2009 and started our initial paperwork in 2012.  It is overwhelming! I'm part of an agency facebook group and families there are really honest and it is really helpful. 

I made a spreadsheet of the agencies we were considering and compared countries - with requirements, costs, estimated wait times.  Then talked with the agencies we felt were the best fits and selected from there. 

We're in it for the long haul and I'll be happy to answer any questions you have.  We're now in the process of updating our USCIS fingerprints & other paperwork.

[Captain Serious]

You've asked all great questions.  Let me start with the easy ones.  It took us 2.5 years to adopt M from Peru, and another 1.5 to adopt J.  Even though we used the same agency and adopted from the same country the second time, we still had to go through the whole process again.  The only reason why it went faster was because I knew what had to happen, and was able to prepare things multiple steps ahead, to keep things moving as quickly as possible.

We did not take any breaks (aside from the six or seven months we used to start the attachment process with M after we brought him home), so to complete our two adoptions, we were in process almost continuously from 2008 though 2012.  It's a hell of a process, and if you didn't sometimes get frustrated and want to quit, I would question how seriously you were taking the whole thing.  Feeling that way, and stepping back if you feel the need, is totally normal.

Choosing an agency is one of the biggest leaps of faith you will take in life, and second only to trusting a match in the adoption process.  There are lots of questions to ask and things to look for in an agency, many of which can be found in introductory books on the topic (I used The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption) but in the end, it comes down to a gut feeling.  The most important thing to me was that the agency operated ethically in all matters.  There was another agency we almost signed with, because they were known to process more Peruvian adoptions and their clients had quicker processes, but I just couldn't trust them because of some iffy things I'd read about how they handled some cases.  The thing is, any agency can place a child/facilitate an adoption when everything goes well; the thing that matters is how they act when things go wrong.  Look for an agency that you believe will be there for you (and the birth family, if applicable) even when things fall apart.

When we adopted, we did so because we wanted to offer a loving home and family to a child that might not otherwise find one.  That meant that we were open to "older children" (which in adoption, typically means toddler age and older) and those with some special needs.  We had some concerns about adopting from foster care, so we chose international.  Many things about international adoption and adopting from foster care are very similar, although the process is different.  The children who need homes at an older age need those homes because they have experienced trauma in their lives (even if that trauma is just losing a parent), and they will have special needs associated with overcoming that trauma.  Most often, this manifests in difficulties in attaching/forming relationships, but it can affect other areas of their lives as well.  I'm a firm believe in getting any child who has been adopted into therapy (we do family therapy) as soon as possible, so they can learn to talk about and process their emotions, learn it's okay to talk about their pasts, and understand that their place in the home is not dependent of their behavior or their keeping their emotions bottled up.  Children who are adopted when they are "older" might also need somewhat different parenting techniques, and everyone in the family should understand that they will wreak some havoc during their transition period (an estimate on how long this can last is that it's 1.5 months for every year their lives were in flux, but it can be drastically longer or shorter depending on the child and the circumstances).  If you are at all thinking about adopting an older child, I highly recommend you read at least one, if not a few, books on the topic.  They were my lifesavers at times, and sometimes read like a manual to my kids.

Also, if you are thinking of adopting an older child, I don't know if you've thought about the issue of birth order.  I think preserving birth order in adoption is a much bigger concern than it initially appears.
 Adoption/foster professionals often cite jealousy and the child's understanding of how they fit into the home as a reason for preserving birth order, but there's a much bigger side to it that they often choose not to discuss when not relaying the circumstances surrounding a specific child.  In addition to losing their parents, some of the older children who are in foster care or are available for adoption have experienced have experiences more severe traumas, such as witnessing or being the victim of abuse, neglect, or other violent behavior. Children who have suffered these types of trauma often act out those types of behaviors on younger children around them. This can happen even if they are getting all the emotional and psychological help they need; it's often part of their process as they learn to cope with what happened to them/what they witnessed. So in the minds of many adoption professionals, placing an older child, who may have had a turbulent past, in a home with young children is not ideal in most situations.
 At the very least, the decision should be made very carefully, with the children's specific situations in the forefront of the decision-making process.

Okay, I'm all over the place here, but the best resource I've found was the bump adoption board.  The posters there are an endless source of information and support.  They have gotten me through some of the darkest and bleakest times, throughout not only the adoption process, but also the bonding/attaching period, and our continuing struggles as a result of my children's needs.  They are fabulous and fantastic.

At the very least, you should check out that board's FAQs:  forums.thebump.com/discussion/12054653/faqs#latest.

I also can't recommend the reading list on that page enough (you'll see my list there, divided by topic, as well as everybody else's):  forums.thebump.com/discussion/12038758/faq-re-do-q3#latest.

As far as parenting a child with special needs, there are lots of groups out there that aren't directly related to adoption, which you might find more along the lines of what you are looking for, without the fundamentalist slant or save-a-child pats on the back.  Personally, I've found this part of our journey the most difficult, perhaps because their really is no way to know just how things will work out.

Which brings me to another point, I strongly recommend that anyone considering adopting an older child have all available medical records reviewed by a doctor familiar with adoption.  The doctor we used was amazing, and gave us not only medical prognoses, but gave us an idea of the child's overall risk for having RAD (reactive attachment disorder) or other challenging behaviors that might be beyond our ability to parent.  It's heartwrenching when you walk away from a possible adoption, but he told us not to feel bad about it, because there are families that are trained as therapeutic homes for these children, and they are far better equipped to parent these children than we are.  I didn't believe it until I saw one little girl we couldn't adopt be adopted by another family.  I still pray they are all doing well together.  The fact of the matter is, that the worst thing you can do is bring a child into your family and then realize you can't successfully parent them.

If you adopt and older child and/or a child with special needs, there will no doubt be times when you wonder what you got yourself into and if you can go on.  That's 100% normal.  There were times when I questioned if I would be able to pull through for M.  I'm not going to lie, the attachment process can be very, very difficult.  But I knew I didn't have any choice.  I made my choice much earlier, and I HAD to be there for him in those moments.  Too many people in his life let him down, and I couldn't leave him broken, too.  That knowledge alone got me through at times.

It is overwhelming, but it is the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.  My sons are the light in my life.  They hold my heart.  M is the bravest, most loyal, most loving person I have literally every met, and J is my silly boy who loves to play to an audience and can melt your heart in an eye-flutter.  My life would not be complete without them.

[lb2006]

Mar 20, 2014 13:25:00 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Mar 20, 2014 11:29:55 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

How long did the process take for you?
It took a year for paperwork for our first process and six months for our second.  Mostly because we are lazy as fuck, and also because the state lost my fingerprints BOTH times.  Fucking Illinois, man.  Once our paperwork was finished and our profiles were active, we waited 8 months and 3 weeks to bring Edith home and 1 year and 2 months to bring Freddie home.

Are there any books on the matter that you found helpful?
Adoption for Dummies is a great resource.
And for transracial adoption, we both liked I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, Black Baby, White Hands, and Growing Up Black In White.

How many agencies did you work with, and what are some qualities you like/dislike about them?
We worked with one agency.  We went to a few different information meetings and this was the one with which we connected the best.  They have a stellar reputation and are known in the adoption world for having unbendable ethics.  They provide lifelong counseling to birthparents and adoptees and are staunch supporters of openness.  They have also been around for like 85 or 90 years, so they're really the gold standard for our state.  We needed to be sure our adoptions were as ethical and moral as possible for our own peace of mind.

What were some the parameters you set and why?
We adopted domestically (as opposed to internationally or foster to adopt) specifically through our agency's black and biracial program. We chose that program for two reasons. One, our extended family is multi-racial, so we felt that we would be a good fit for a child of another race. Two, the wait is typically shorter because there are fewer people willing or able to adopt black and biracial children. Often, it's less expensive as well, although with our agency, that's not the case unless at least one of the prospective adopters is black or biracial.

We also specified things that we were willing to have in our child's birthparent medical and social history and things that we didn't feel we could handle.  We didn't feel we could handle a rape or incest situation, for example, because we would have to explain that to our child someday.  We also didn't feel comfortable with alcohol because it's so unpredictable and FAS/FAE are scary as fuck.  Drug use was totally not an issue for either of us, but we still decided on a case by case basis.

Did you take a 'break'? 
Only for like two months after I had my surgery.  Other than that, we were being shown pretty much constantly.

Since you are open to adopting transracially, I will address that specifically. You will need to look into the demographics of your area and your neighborhood. Are you in a diverse area? Will your black son be the only black child in his school/scouting troop/church/etc. Are you in an area that flies the Confederate flag? Are you prepared to ALWAYS be conspicuous when you're with your family? The only time I am ever anonymous is when I'm alone, which is rarely, and it's not because my kids are so freaking adorable

That's another thing, raising children in a transracial adoption has layers. Not only are you dealing with the adoption stuff that will arise, you are dealing with race. Your adorable black child is going to grow up to be a black man, and that can be some heavy shit, especially since you're coming from a place of privilege. Do you have any close friends who are black or Latino? It certainly helps that our kids have amazing black role models who they can emulate and talk to if need be.  

Honestly, it's not always easy and anyone who says it's a bed of roses is a lying fuck, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  This love is unlike anything else, and the family we've gained through our kids' birthfamilies is incredible.

We're becoming a transracial family and are currently searching for a more racially-diverse church.  Did you have to do that as well?  And if you did - did you have trouble finding one that was a good fit with your family? 

[miss1180]

we adopted our son... from Korea. I know you said you're not into international adoption, but i'll tell you our story anyway :-)
the whole process took about 18 months from application until we came home with him. He was about 9 months when we got his referral information, and 21 months when he came home. so it was about a year from referral until we could travel.
we worked with only one agency. it was a big agency based in Oregon, but has offices in several states all over the US. we were extremely happy with them! because they were a big agency, they have a lot of resources to help families. They do adoptee camps in the summers, they have picnics for adoptive families to get together, plus they offer a lot of webinars, etc on topics to help adoptive families and adoptees. so we felt like they really cared about the children and their lives... not just "heres your cute kid, good luck". I think those types of resources are something to look for, even if a domestic adoption agency. you never know what kind of help you might need down the line.
I also suggest Adoption for Dummies book as a resource. also if you adopt a slightly older child, "The Connected Child" by KAryn Purvis is an excellent book with tips on bonding and parenting children who come from "hard places".
overall it was a long road to adopt DS... but I wouldn't change anything. He is every bit "our" child, and I feel like he was definitely meant to be with us. He is only 3 now, and I'm sure there will be issues that come up at some point... but we are just trying to build a strong bond and relationship now so that he feels comfortable talking through those issues with us when he gets older.

[lb2006]

Mar 20, 2014 13:37:13 GMT -5 miss1180 said:

we adopted our son... from Korea. I know you said you're not into international adoption, but i'll tell you our story anyway :-)
the whole process took about 18 months from application until we came home with him. He was about 9 months when we got his referral information, and 21 months when he came home. so it was about a year from referral until we could travel.
we worked with only one agency. it was a big agency based in Oregon, but has offices in several states all over the US. we were extremely happy with them! because they were a big agency, they have a lot of resources to help families. They do adoptee camps in the summers, they have picnics for adoptive families to get together, plus they offer a lot of webinars, etc on topics to help adoptive families and adoptees. so we felt like they really cared about the children and their lives... not just "heres your cute kid, good luck". I think those types of resources are something to look for, even if a domestic adoption agency. you never know what kind of help you might need down the line.
I also suggest Adoption for Dummies book as a resource. also if you adopt a slightly older child, "The Connected Child" by KAryn Purvis is an excellent book with tips on bonding and parenting children who come from "hard places".
overall it was a long road to adopt DS... but I wouldn't change anything. He is every bit "our" child, and I feel like he was definitely meant to be with us. He is only 3 now, and I'm sure there will be issues that come up at some point... but we are just trying to build a strong bond and relationship now so that he feels comfortable talking through those issues with us when he gets older.

That is a very quick timeline!! - what year did you adopt?

[Jermys]

Mar 20, 2014 13:32:28 GMT -5 lb2006 said:

Mar 20, 2014 13:25:00 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Since you are open to adopting transracially, I will address that specifically. You will need to look into the demographics of your area and your neighborhood. Are you in a diverse area? Will your black son be the only black child in his school/scouting troop/church/etc. Are you in an area that flies the Confederate flag? Are you prepared to ALWAYS be conspicuous when you're with your family? The only time I am ever anonymous is when I'm alone, which is rarely, and it's not because my kids are so freaking adorable

That's another thing, raising children in a transracial adoption has layers. Not only are you dealing with the adoption stuff that will arise, you are dealing with race. Your adorable black child is going to grow up to be a black man, and that can be some heavy shit, especially since you're coming from a place of privilege. Do you have any close friends who are black or Latino? It certainly helps that our kids have amazing black role models who they can emulate and talk to if need be.  

Honestly, it's not always easy and anyone who says it's a bed of roses is a lying fuck, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  This love is unlike anything else, and the family we've gained through our kids' birthfamilies is incredible.

We're becoming a transracial family and are currently searching for a more racially-diverse church.  Did you have to do that as well?  And if you did - did you have trouble finding one that was a good fit with your family? 

We're atheists, but if we were going to choose a church, we would have chosen a predominantly black, non-hellfire, completely gay-friendly church, or if one wasn't available, a UU church.  It's good for our children to be in the majority as much as we can make that happen, but I also refuse to expose my kids to hellfire and brimstone or homophobia.

[Captain Serious]

Oh, and I just realized, I didn't answer one of your questions: we only used one agency from start to finish. They do not have an office anywhere near our state, but were licensed to operate here and contracted with a local social worker for the home visits. (I probably would rather go with a local agency, but there were only 8 agencies processing Peruvian adoptions at the time, and none of them were local.)

Peru requires bi-annual post-placement reports for four years after finalization (even thought the adoption is finalized in Peru, they want to know the children are going to good homes, so we contractually agree to this). We only have one left for M, and four more for J, but our agency did not renew it's license in our state. So now, even though we are through with both our adoptions, we are once again searching out agencies for someone to contract with us and our placing agency to finish these reports. If/when we move out of state, we'll have to find another agency to finish them up in our new state.

[fryjack2]

I have no advice, but I'll be reading this thread.

I wanted to adopt, H wanted a bio child and then to adopt a 2nd. We didn't get the chance to decide on that 2nd child, but its been on my mind a lot lately to adopt a 3rd. If we end up moving to the burbs, we may pursue it when the boys are a few years older.

Also, I teared up reading that you were open to a DS child. We were told that Jack would most likely be born with DS. H and I knew we wouldn't terminate for DS, but the spectrum of medical needs is vast and we weren't sure how easily we could have handled them. Even with our medical backgrounds. People like you and your H are awesome people. You are going to make some child(ren)'s life so much better.

[Deleted]

Mar 20, 2014 13:25:00 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Mar 20, 2014 11:29:55 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Since you are open to adopting transracially, I will address that specifically. You will need to look into the demographics of your area and your neighborhood. Are you in a diverse area? Will your black son be the only black child in his school/scouting troop/church/etc. Are you in an area that flies the Confederate flag? Are you prepared to ALWAYS be conspicuous when you're with your family? The only time I am ever anonymous is when I'm alone, which is rarely, and it's not because my kids are so freaking adorable

That's another thing, raising children in a transracial adoption has layers. Not only are you dealing with the adoption stuff that will arise, you are dealing with race. Your adorable black child is going to grow up to be a black man, and that can be some heavy shit, especially since you're coming from a place of privilege. Do you have any close friends who are black or Latino? It certainly helps that our kids have amazing black role models who they can emulate and talk to if need be.  

Honestly, it's not always easy and anyone who says it's a bed of roses is a lying fuck, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  This love is unlike anything else, and the family we've gained through our kids' birthfamilies is incredible.

I am nervous about the demographic aspect of where we live now, I wouldn't want our potential son to feel like a complete outlier. We're currently renting, so I do have the flexibility to take the time and search out the demographics of neighboring areas and see if we would be better suited there. Thank you for emphasizing how important this is, I really need to address it more. (I'm mainly going to be addressing adopting a single black child on these points, because Hispanic children would be part of the norm where we live in Houston and the potential for hostility is drastically lower) 

I feel anxious about transracial adoption, specifically with the idea of raising a black son, if I'm being honest. How do I explain to my son that some people will fear him or hate him when he's older? Or even now? That there will be people that will always assume the worst of him? What if I screw him up over something I carry subconsciously from white privilege? Will he doubt that we love him? Will he think he's some trophy? Will he feel ashamed to be in public with us? After a certain age, will he feel like we can't relate to him? Will he be right? These fears really stem from older adoption possibilities, I worry about this a lot. I just want to do right. I don't want to cause more pain. 

I do have family members who adopted outside of their race, but they moved in more yuppie collegiate academic circles and my cousins were surrounded by other children from international adoption. (Cousins are Thai and Nigerian) So even when I talked with them they admitted that it was a kind of insulated environment where race wasn't an issue until they were in college. We would not be in that situation. 

[Deleted]

Captain Serious I had not even thought about birth order, but I will read up on it. Thank you!

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so glad you posted this, @bettyhomewrecker33. We will either adopt or do IVF / PGD for our second child. I'm pushing for adoption and H would prefer IVF / PGD, so this is tremendously helpful as we wrap our minds around the concept of a second.

[2boys2danes]

We adopted our boys 10 years ago from Russia. They were 3.5 and 4.5 YO. We went to get one and got his best friend as well. We only used one local agency. Our story was unique in that we literally decided March 17 that we wanted to adopt and we went on our first trip to Russia at the end of April (about 6 weeks later) and then we were back in Russia on June 8 to go to court and the 10 days waiting period. We came home on June 26. So we were 90 days literally from "maybe we should adopt from Russia to taking two trips to Russia and being home with two new kids"…it was quite a whirlwind!

[persa]

Mar 20, 2014 12:44:05 GMT -5 minaharker said:

Glad I could be of some help. I shopped around quite a bit. I'm in Texas and so I started with Texas specific agencies. I sent off a lot of requests for information and it took a long time to go through it all, probably about a year or so before we made the decision to adopt instead of pursuing IVF. Had we not also been considering fertility treatments I would have decided on our agency very quickly. The agency we ended up with works in all 50 states and we chose them because of the nationwide exposure our profile would get.

I'm in Texas also. Would you mind sending me a PM with the agency you used? Are there other ones that you would recommend or warn against?

[melindafelinda]

Mar 20, 2014 14:45:24 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Mar 20, 2014 13:25:00 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Since you are open to adopting transracially, I will address that specifically. You will need to look into the demographics of your area and your neighborhood. Are you in a diverse area? Will your black son be the only black child in his school/scouting troop/church/etc. Are you in an area that flies the Confederate flag? Are you prepared to ALWAYS be conspicuous when you're with your family? The only time I am ever anonymous is when I'm alone, which is rarely, and it's not because my kids are so freaking adorable

That's another thing, raising children in a transracial adoption has layers. Not only are you dealing with the adoption stuff that will arise, you are dealing with race. Your adorable black child is going to grow up to be a black man, and that can be some heavy shit, especially since you're coming from a place of privilege. Do you have any close friends who are black or Latino? It certainly helps that our kids have amazing black role models who they can emulate and talk to if need be.  

Honestly, it's not always easy and anyone who says it's a bed of roses is a lying fuck, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  This love is unlike anything else, and the family we've gained through our kids' birthfamilies is incredible.

I feel anxious about transracial adoption, specifically with the idea of raising a black son, if I'm being honest. How do I explain to my son that some people will fear him or hate him when he's older? Or even now? That there will be people that will always assume the worst of him? What if I screw him up over something I carry subconsciously from white privilege? Will he doubt that we love him? Will he think he's some trophy? Will he feel ashamed to be in public with us? After a certain age, will he feel like we can't relate to him? Will he be right? These fears really stem from older adoption possibilities, I worry about this a lot. I just want to do right. I don't want to cause more pain. 

 

We've been discussing adoption at some point down the road and are very open to any child. What you posted here expresses my fears exactly. I'm worried I wouldn't be good enough or informed enough.

[Jermys]

I feel anxious about transracial adoption, specifically with the idea of raising a black son, if I'm being honest.

Jesus, me too. And I'm doing it. It's a big responsibility, for sure, but it's not impossible!

How do I explain to my son that some people will fear him or hate him when he's older? Or even now? That there will be people that will always assume the worst of him?

I struggle with this a lot. I look at my little guy and I see my baby, but I know that there are people who will see "HOLYFUCKIT'SABLACKGUYLOCKYOURDOORSCROSSTHESTREET!" and that makes me utterly sad and angry. I've discussed The Talk (which is something all black males should get for their safety) with our friends and family, read books, practiced what I'll say, etc. It's still scary. But it's scary for black parents too. Before we knew anything about Freddie, Trayvon was murdered and it was like someone punched all of the breath out of me. All of a sudden, I was crossing my fingers for a girl because the thought of a son was terrifying. Little did I know, Freddie took his first breath the day Trayvon took his last, and here we are. And we're using our privilege to speak out. That's what's good about privilege...people listen to it, and you can use it for the benefit of your child and children like him.

What if I screw him up over something I carry subconsciously from white privilege? 

What if you screw up your bio kid? What if you don't? You can only do your best and educate yourself.

Will he doubt that we love him?

Probably at one time or another, but that's something that can happen with a bio kid too. I think everyone goes through that, right?

Will he think he's some trophy?

Not if he's not treated like a trophy

Will he feel ashamed to be in public with us? After a certain age, will he feel like we can't relate to him? Will he be right?

Yes, yes, and yes. Think about how you felt as a teenager. If he feels that way, he'll be completely normal!

These fears really stem from older adoption possibilities, I worry about this a lot.

If you're worried, you're on the right track. Going in blind thinking it's a bed of roses and unicorn farts is the surest way to screw yourself LOL

[Jermys]

Mar 20, 2014 22:54:36 GMT -5 @meepmeep said:

Great thread - thanks for the info, everyone. We are very interested in adoption and open to transracial adoption, but we live in a rural area where our kid could be the only ethnic minority in the whole school. Our only non - white friends live in the town we work in that is 45 minutes away and pretty glowing white itself. I just don't think I'd want to put a kid into that situation of being such an anomaly.

@meepmeep, I wouldn't.  It would suck to be the "other" all the time.