If you were me, would you tell?

[Odonata]

I go back to work Monday from spring break.  I'm a teacher and I got my contract two weeks ago.  I'll be 10w4d when I go back.

I know you're "suppose" to wait.  To be honest, I don't want to wait at all.  I know I've had losses but my personality just wants to tell everyone anyway, even if I do end up m/c this one, too.  I really don't care.  It's MH that cares which is why most of the family doesn't know yet.

So I've only been keeping it a secret at work b/c I wanted to make sure I got a contract for next year.  Now that I have it I want to go in, get that meeting over, and know what I'm doing next year.  It's killing me b/c there has been talk on who is teaching what and I have a specific elective that is only the first half of the year - I'm due October 17th.  

The big thing for me is to KNOW what is up next fall so I can start planning.  Now that I have a signed contract I don't see any reason NOT to have that conversation.  I know there is still a risk for loss but I think it would be best for everyone involved to start thinking about subs and everything for next fall since they are in the process of hiring now.  If something does go wrong, I can let everyone know - and I would rather the admin know anyway, because I'll probably be an emotional wreck for a while so no need to have to pretend things are OK in that case as well.  

What do you think?  Given that I don't give two hoots who knows I'm pregnant should I tell or is there some other big reason to wait until 12-13 weeks?

Plus, I want my students to know, especially my afternoon classes, because that's when I'm the most sick/tired and I'm done with pretending to be the upbeat, often hyper teacher I use to be.  I just don't have the energy or stomach to pull that shit anymore and I would rather everyone just know.  I teach 16 year olds, they get it.  

[SJ]

Personally, I would tell my family before work. Do you know when your H plans to tell the family?

That being said, I did tell my boss around 10w.

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 11:47:56 GMT -5 SJ said:

Personally, I would tell my family before work. Do you know when your H plans to tell the family?

That being said, I did tell my boss around 10w.

Sorry, let me clarify:  Immediate family does know - parents, siblings, grandmother, and first cousins with whom we are close.

It's extended family that he doesn't want to tell yet.  We usually talk to them on occasion and see them for holidays.  Easter will be a good time to tell them.

However, EVERYONE in my family knows b/c I don't care.  We didn't tell everyone in H's family because he doesn't want to and hey, it's his family so I'm taking his lead. 

[thatgirl2478]

We told immediate family immediately (can't keep a secret to save my life), then we waited until we saw the heartbeat at 8 wks to tell our friends / non immediate family. I have to go to the office next week (which doesn't happen a lot), and I'll be almost 12 wks along. I'm going to have to tell them because I look pregnant (thanks #2) even though it's mostly just fat.

[magdala]

To be honest, I don't want to wait at all. I know I've had losses but my personality just wants to tell everyone anyway, even if I do end up m/c this one, too. I really don't care. It's MH that cares which is why most of the family doesn't know yet.
I could not deal with the pity if the everyone knew that I miscarried.    It was hard but I waited until 12 weeks to tell family and 15 to tell the office.  I would have waited longer but I had so many doctors' appointments close together that it was necessary to tell the office.  

I am not a teacher but I would be concerned that some 16 year olds would try to take advantage of the situation.  

[Odonata]

I have an appointment tomorrow so if I have a heartbeat still I think I'm going to tell Monday.

My department chair knows so I'll go in on Monday and let him know I'm ready to spill the beans to admin.

Also, a side to all of this - I was reading (I think on ML) that someone's friend was 10w and now just went in and there is no heartbeat....I hate hearing that and it's freaking me out b/c I have been so confident. I'm pretty nervous for tomorrow now.

[rbp]

Were you the one with a contract that was revocable by either party for 90 days?

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 12:01:08 GMT -5 magdala said:

To be honest, I don't want to wait at all. I know I've had losses but my personality just wants to tell everyone anyway, even if I do end up m/c this one, too. I really don't care. It's MH that cares which is why most of the family doesn't know yet.
I could not deal with the pity if the everyone knew that I miscarried.    It was hard but I waited until 12 weeks to tell family and 15 to tell the office.  I would have waited longer but I had so many doctors' appointments close together that it was necessary to tell the office.  

I am not a teacher but I would be concerned that some 16 year olds would try to take advantage of the situation.  

Na, they are good kids.  When I'm sick I can walk in and say "hey guys, I'm not doing well today - do me a favor and just work on these practice problems and let me know if you have questions" and they'll do it quietly.  At this point in the year you develop a feel for the class and I have a great rapport with them all.  They even brought me in a birthday cake on the last day before break b/c it was my birthday.  I love those kids

I'm not sure how 16 year olds can possibly take advantage, really.  I just don't want to keep saying "oh, hey, I left something down the hall in the office, I'll be right back" if I'm really going to pee or puke.  

My personality is much different.  I would rather people know if I am going through something hard like a m/c.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I cannot keep anything inside, good or bad.  

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 12:04:47 GMT -5 rbp said:

Were you the one with a contract that was revocable by either party for 90 days?

YES!  well, actually, no.  That was me with the question but it's been resolved.

My old school had something written in the contract that both parties could opt out within 90 days.  

This school does not have it in the contract and I checked with HR, once it's signed that's it.  

So I'm good.  I think.  Unless there is some law that covers all contracts that I am not aware of. 

[mrssandro]

I have had three losses so take this with a grain of salt but I would wait it out. My last loss was at 11 wks (HB stopped at 8 wks 1 day)  after seeing a great hb at 8 weeks.

I do deal with m/c different than you and as long as you are good with un-telling people and not letting the pity  get to you ... then do what you want. But really if you can try to wait the three weeks.

[rbp]

FWIW, we told our immediate families at 8-9 weeks, I told work at 11 weeks, and we told our extended families and friends at 12-13 weeks. I was anxious to tell work because we were getting ready to make the class schedule for fall semester, and it seemed really rude to sit on the information that I wasn't planning to teach in the fall.

I say do what you want. There's always a chance of something going wrong--people deliver stillborn babies at full-term--but really, your chance of a miscarriage at this point is very low.

[Odonata]

rbp - "because we were getting ready to make the class schedule for fall semester, and it seemed really rude to sit on the information that I wasn't planning to teach in the fall."

That is what makes waiting so hard. When you have your higher ups talking with you to plan for the fall, and you know you won't be there - I feel like I'm lying. It's really hard to smile and go " oh yeah, I can teach that Marine Bio elective next fall, sure, put it on the list of classes and have kids sign up for it" I mean, if they can't find anyone to teach it they will offer other things, but students will begin to pick out their class for next year starting next week. I feel really bad to sit on this info and have them make the class lists for next year.

mrssandro - I don't mind un-telling people. I'm sorry you lost at 11 weeks. To be honest, I'm still terrified that will happen to me. But I'm OK with it happening and then having to tell everyone to cancel leave plans. It's more the loss rather than telling people that bothers me. I do think, however, that I will let the admin know to keep it to as few people as possible until I reach the 2nd tri. They will probably want to make an announcement at a faculty meeting (like they do) so I can at least keep the whole school from knowing until then. But that also means keeping it a secret from my kids for longer..which I think I can do.

Right now I'm more concerned about the next-year planning that is in full swing.

[Odonata]

I mean, besides personally dealing with having to un-tell everyone if I lose the baby, is there any other reason to wait that I'm not seeing?

[mrssandro]

Mar 20, 2014 12:26:05 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I mean, besides personally dealing with having to un-tell everyone if I lose the baby, is there any other reason to wait that I'm not seeing?

Nope. Have fun telling people. 

[VillainV]

No, there is no other reason to wait to tell people. I think you have a valid point about wanting to be open and honest about not being able to teach the elective class next fall.

The only other thing I would say is to make sure that both you and your husband are in agreement about who you tell and when. I can't tell from your posts if he's okay with you telling work, and just wants to wait to tell his family?

As far as "un-telling" people, yeah, I've had to do this. And honestly, I didn't feel like people "pitied" us because of the loss, but we were really grateful for everyone understanding what was going on and giving us time and space to deal with our loss. We also learned that some people we knew had been through m/c themselves, and it was nice to know we weren't alone. But we definitely didn't feel "pity."

[pinotgrig]

Mar 20, 2014 12:26:05 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I mean, besides personally dealing with having to un-tell everyone if I lose the baby, is there any other reason to wait that I'm not seeing?

I think this is what gives ppl the most pause. However, you want to tell, you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and you think you'd be ok if something were to happen. As long as there's no crossover between your work ppl and your H's family, I would tell.

It's such a personal decision and some ppl are ready sooner than others. There's no wrong decision here. Have fun spilling the beans!!

[Teachermama]

I am a teacher too! I am telling Hs family at Easter and then after spring break.. everyone else. So that make me 10 wks at Easter and about 11 after spring break.

[gretchenindisguise]

I waited with my first until the end of 1st trimester because a) it was my first pregnancy and I didn't know what to expect and b) I had an old school doc who did no u/s until the 20wk a/s and I wasn't thoroughly convinced I was pregnant.

I already told my work this time because it impacts some planning for meetings/conferences and I had the u/s with heartbeat. Is it possible something could still happen, sure. But I think they'd likely know anyways, so I went ahead and told my immediate team. The remaining team will know when they figure it out I suppose.

[blushing]

I told my boss 'unofficially' in a private meeting at 8 weeks. I told him that I will 'officially' tell him at our next scheduled meeting when I would be 12 weeks because I knew it was 2 days after my scan. It just that I knew there were some plans for later in the year and covering me would be difficult. He was also hiring someone new to join our team so he had that at the back of his mind. He was also really supportive last year when I miscarried and made sure I had the necessary time off work and got the MD to authorise it as compassionate leave instead of sick leave. It worked for us, and really he never told anyone else at work.

I would do that again. Is there anyway you could just tell your boss off the record for now?

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 12:32:11 GMT -5 VillainV said:

No, there is no other reason to wait to tell people. I think you have a valid point about wanting to be open and honest about not being able to teach the elective class next fall.

The only other thing I would say is to make sure that both you and your husband are in agreement about who you tell and when. I can't tell from your posts if he's okay with you telling work, and just wants to wait to tell his family?

He is OK with me telling work.  I had to convince him to tell even his parents.  But there was a point that even the waitresses at a bar/restaurant we go to every week for trivia figured it out and he got drunk and spilled the beans to some friends so I convinced him to finally tell his parents, at least.  But for work he has no issues with it.  

As far as "un-telling" people, yeah, I've had to do this. And honestly, I didn't feel like people "pitied" us because of the loss, but we were really grateful for everyone understanding what was going on and giving us time and space to deal with our loss. We also learned that some people we knew had been through m/c themselves, and it was nice to know we weren't alone. But we definitely didn't feel "pity."


Yeah, I've lost two and had to un-tell people and definitely didn't feel pity at all.  I told just about everyone with my first b/c I was so excited (and naive!) and it was so great to have the support of everyone when it happened.  This was especially so b/c H was out of town the week it happened and I was home alone, scared, and guilty.  I had a friend by the house every night with snacks and wine and who let me cry.  Since everyone was in the know I was open with my IF and had so much support during my procedures.  I would always have "good luck" texts and "thinking of you" messages out of the blue.  With my second I told a few close people and we were all hesitant and of course, when I m/c, they were all there to pick me back up again and convince me to not give up.  I actually had a few good friend rally around me the first Mother's day and take me out b/c they knew I would be a wreck.  Also, because so many were in the know, I've had "special treatment" with pregnancy announcements.  My friends/family broke the news to be first before going public about it so I had time to digest.  If they weren't aware of my two losses and issues I would have found out by surprise like everyone else and would have had to grieve in solitude.  

And it was amazing to have so many come out of the woodwork with their own loss stories.  

[centralsquare]

Having just gotten some potentially fatal news at 12 weeks, there were a lot of people I wish didn't know right now.

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 14:06:45 GMT -5 centralsquare said:

Having just gotten some potentially fatal news at 12 weeks, there were a lot of people I wish didn't know right now.

Sorry you're going through this.  I hope they get back to you soon and you have some answers by the weekend.  

[centralsquare]

Thank you. My point is, I would tell folks that you will want to know, should something go wrong. I'm hopeful I won't have to go back to my extended family (whom my grandfather told against my wishes) and disappoint them. Especially because everyone is looking at this as positive news, as we watch my grandfather fighting pancreatic cancer.

[Odonata]

Mar 20, 2014 14:35:54 GMT -5 centralsquare said:

Thank you. My point is, I would tell folks that you will want to know, should something go wrong. I'm hopeful I won't have to go back to my extended family (whom my grandfather told against my wishes) and disappoint them. Especially because everyone is looking at this as positive news, as we watch my grandfather fighting pancreatic cancer.

Very true.  I would ask my boss to keep it to only a needs to know basis until I'm further along. I don't mind the admin knowing but probably would want to wait for the announcement at the faculty meeting.

For my first pregnancy, my father (stupidly) went and blabbed it on FB right away.  (I know....WFT, right?)
I left it up to him to spread the word that I had lost that pregnancy.  

Also, please try not to put the pressure of your news being what keeps everyone happy in light of your grandfather's cancer fight.  YOU are not going to disappoint anyone.  Though any bad news is surely going to be disappointing, it's your separate issue to grieve and not your responsibility to be the "silver lining" on any other family issues.  I truly hope everything turns out for the best but if not having guilt that you've let your family down will only make things worse.  This is all out of your control.  Hugs to you.

[mrspost08]

My boss works in another state. She happened to be in my office after the NT Scan. I told her before we told my inlaws. I felt it was important to tell her in person. My boss knows, but I asked her not to tell anyone. I felt it was important that she know, so she can figure out what to do with my department while I am out.

[rbp]

Mar 20, 2014 14:35:54 GMT -5 centralsquare said:

Thank you. My point is, I would tell folks that you will want to know, should something go wrong. I'm hopeful I won't have to go back to my extended family (whom my grandfather told against my wishes) and disappoint them. Especially because everyone is looking at this as positive news, as we watch my grandfather fighting pancreatic cancer.

This is tough and why I actually told work before I told my extended family or most of my friends. I have no overlap between work and my social life, so I waited until I got the Panorama/NT results (both around 12 weeks) to tell anyone except immediate family and work. My coworkers are scientists, so they don't really talk about feelings. 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, centralsquare, and I am sending you so many good vibes for positive news tomorrow.