Please explain shower planning

[rbp]

My mom's friend is throwing me a shower in my hometown. When I asked my mom how many people her friend wanted to invite, she said as many as I want. Her friend owns a catering company and has a big house, so this is her thing. It's not going to be a huge shower as I don't keep in touch with a lot of people from back home, but I didn't feel like I was asking too much of my mom's friend.

MIL and SIL, who are local to me, want to throw me a shower here. We have a lot of local friends and would like to have a chance to hang out with all of them, but I don't know if I can request a certain type of shower or guests that the hosts don't even know. Some of our friends have had co-ed baby showers that were actually really fun because they were more like cookouts with a very brief and low-key gift opening component. I would love to do something like that, but I'm not sure what my MIL is actually offering to do when she says "we want to give you a shower!"

Meanwhile, a couple of local friends sort of mentioned in passing that they would be happy to host a shower for us. That one would definitely be co-ed. But we have friends in lots of different groups (college, church, work, etc.). Could we ask a host who doesn't know a group of friends to invite them to their shower? Or those friends just don't get an invite if someone who knows them doesn't offer to host? I'm so confused about etiquette here.  :?

I realize that being invited to someone's baby shower isn't the biggest honor ever, but the shower I'm picturing would be fun and low-key. H has been to two baby showers similar to the one I'm envisioning and he had a good time too. I just want to hang out with all of our friends!

[phdprocrastinator]

For DD, I had a shower with my family back in AZ, completely planned and hosted by my sister. In CA, I had several friends volunteer to host, so I got them in contact with each other and they hosted a co-ed BBQ just like you're talking about. Oh, and my husband had a friend who also volunteered, and we had a separate shower with his friends (again, co-ed).

It was a lot of showers! For each, we did as much work as the hosts requested Our biggest task was figuring out the guest lists. We asked our friends how many people they could host, then DH and I got together with our lists and figured out who would go to which shower.

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 19:40:53 GMT -5 luckydog said:

I asked my hostess and she said "whatever you want!" So I just did family and close friends. She knows almost none of these people and was cool with it.

How's your relationship with mil? I'd say Friend offered to throw a co-ed shower and tale your cue from there. If she seems disappointed like she really wanted to throw one, tell her you'd appreciate a nice small luncheon. Then she can invite all her friends and whoever. You know your mil better so she might not be receptive to this.

I'm definitely accepting the offer from my MIL to throw the shower. I'm just wondering if I should just let her invite family (if it's all women, the only local family are me, the two hosts, and H's aunt; there are only two additional women in the family altogether) and her friends, and accept the offer from our friends to host another shower. Then I don't know if it's poor etiquette to ask our friends to invite people they don't know to the shower they host. 

I should add that these are very dear friends, but they are not into babies at.all. so I was very touched by their shower offer. Also, they throw a hell of a party

[mannah]

I think it's fine if your hosts don't know everyone on the guest list! That would be hard to do and then you'd inevitably miss inviting people you'd like to have there.

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 19:42:58 GMT -5 phdprocrastinator said:

We asked our friends how many people they could host, then DH and I got together with our lists and figured out who would go to which shower.

Maybe this is what I need to do. When I asked MIL who she wanted to invite to the shower she's planning to host, she said "family, any of your church buddies, whoever you want." But I'm pretty sure she doesn't really mean the last part haha.

[OrangeTree]

Is your MIL more traditional or does she seem to like big parties? If you already asked who she'd like to invite and she said family & church buddies, I would think she is thinking more of a traditional luncheon for a smaller group of women. You could always just tell her you had another offer and were thinking of inviting X list (family + church friends) to her shower and then doing a coed BBQ for the other and see what her reaction is. You could always invite her to the coed one, too, if she doesn't want to miss out.

And I would not expect to know everyone at the shower if I was hosting one for you. That wouldn't be realistic in most cases.

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 19:55:50 GMT -5 OrangeTree said:

Is your MIL more traditional or does she seem to like big parties? If you already asked who she'd like to invite and she said family & church buddies, I would think she is thinking more of a traditional luncheon for a smaller group of women. You could always just tell her you had another offer and were thinking of inviting X list (family + church friends) to her shower and then doing a coed BBQ for the other and see what her reaction is. You could always invite her to the coed one, too, if she doesn't want to miss out.

And I would not expect to know everyone at the shower if I was hosting one for you. That wouldn't be realistic in most cases.

The other offer is from church friends. Those are just the only friends of ours she knows. She didn't say "family and church friends," she said "family, church buddies, whoever you want." I'm just not sure how far it is appropriate to run with the "whoever you want" thing. I mean, we don't have hundreds of friends, but there would probably be 40-ish invitations if H and I could invite anyone we wanted. We also have some very close college friends who are OOT but might travel for a party. And I'm not sure she'd be down with the co-ed thing regardless. 

The church friends-hosted shower would be coed by necessity as they are both men. 

[SJ]

I would have your MIL/SIL do a ladies shower with family or friends that may know her.

Then have your friends do a co-ed "friends" shower- even if the friends don't all know each other.

It seems redundant to ask MIL to do a co-ed shower if your friends are also doing one. Unless you can think of a logical way to separate couples?

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 20:24:19 GMT -5 SJ said:

I would have your MIL/SIL do a ladies shower with family or friends that may know her.

Then have your friends do a co-ed "friends" shower- even if the friends don't all know each other.

It seems redundant to ask MIL to do a co-ed shower if your friends are also doing one. Unless you can think of a logical way to separate couples?

We told the friends we'd get back to them. They asked if we were having a local shower, and I said "I think SIL is hosting something, but I'm not sure who she wants to invite." They said "well we can throw you a shower, let us know." 

At the time I thought SIL was hosting the shower, but now that MIL is involved I feel like it will be more...formal? Which is fine, I love my MIL very much. I just want to cook out with my friends LOL

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 20:27:34 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

My friend who offered to throw the shower here said invite anyone I want. I clarified that church, work, and random was all fine to combine and she said yes. I gave her the address list and broke down how I knew people so as they RSVP she knows what kind of group is actually showing up.

I had a few other people casually offer to throw showers, but the idea of too many sounds annoying. I'd rather it be combined. My other friends are helping the host with food, etc. I'd think through how many little showers you really want to sit through.

I'm not going to accept offers for any showers other than my mom's friend and MIL's that I'll have to "sit through." The one our friends are offering would actually be fun

[OrangeTree]

Does MIL know your church friends?

[rbp]

Mar 26, 2014 20:59:28 GMT -5 OrangeTree said:

Does MIL know your church friends?

Some of them. She knows the ones who offered to host.

No one has given any indication if what type of party they want to host or how large. I think it might be a stretch to ask MIL to invite all our male and female friends, though. I don't think she would consider a shower to be a coed event.