Why do I feel bad

[katb]

My neighbor asked me in November if I could start taking her son (A) (5)  to school in the mornings because her 3 yr old twins were accepted into an ECI preschool program further away.  I said no problem, I am taking my own.  Her son and my DS play, families are close (we share chickens).  Then it turned into A had to come a little bit early (we leave for school 8:50ish) @ 8:30.  THEN, it turned into earlier @8:20.  Well for the last two weeks he has shown up at 8:10.  I am barely dressed, my kids are still eating/and or getting dressed.  The main problem is this boy has ADHD which his parents are trying very hard to address - therapy, structure, meds, etc.  but I just can't handle it in the morning. If I am getting dressed, I am in my room, not supervising and he walks into my DDs room while they get dressed, he runs around the house and opens things he shouldn't.  When I am out in the LR area, he listens - I just can't leave him alone to get ready for work (I work 3 mornings a week or anything.  Did I tell you I am not getting paid?  In the beginning I asked for something small - perhaps $10 a week or so.  She said absolutely, thank you, etc etc but never did and I never brought it up again. 

I have never received another thank you, money, or even her asking to reciprocate to have my kids come over and play.  Today I walked over and told her the mornings were too rushed and he needs to come down later, as close to 8:30 as she can.  I could tell she was upset (I'm not so sure with me or with the situation or both).  10 minutes later I get a text that she will just start taking him to school late everyday and sorry if he annoyed me.

Why do I feel bad?  I want to be a friend, I want to help.  I feel I was being taken advantage of and people can only do that if I let them right? I guess I feel bad because she doesn't have a lot of support and neither did I when my twins were little.  I wanted to be better

[trafficgirl]

You WERE being taken advantage of, though it sounds like she wasn't doing it on purpose.

It's nice of you to help out for as long as you did, but you're not obligated to do so forever.

[flamingeaux]

You feel bad, because you're a nice person. You have to be a nice person to have agreed to do this in the first place. If you want to resume doing the favor of bringing him to school, tell her you will be there to pick him up from their house at a time that is convenient for you.

[lime]

You are feeling badly because that is the emotion she threw at you.

Remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote — 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' ?

Same thing applies to guilt. She can throw it your way but you don't have to accept it. (I realize easier said than done.)

[cville]

You're feeling bad because she purposefully manipulated your emotions. First by doing the pretend "oh, am I early?" nonsense and then by pulling the "well FINE, I'll just take him to school LATE, le sigh."

Screw that shit. He could be the best behaved kid in the universe, but if he's at my house 20-40 minutes early, I hate him.

[katb]

Thanks, I know it in my head. I need to hear it out loud sometimes. My DH is singing the same tune you guys are.

[shopgirl07]

Her behavior is embarrassing. Taking a kid to school everyday is a HUGE favor. For that alone she should be thanking you on the regular. But then to take advantage of you in the mornings? And not have the decency to apologize for her behavior? No. Be glad she'll be taking him to school now.

[FastHands]

Don't feel bad. It was crappy for her to say she'd just take him late every day. I feel like that was intentional guilting. You already have twins; I'm sure your plate is full. You tried it and it just didn't work for you. Good for you for knowing your limits and not let it turn into a situation of you being walked all over and resenting her, etc. If you want to show that there aren't hard feelings, you could just say something like, "Not annoying at all! And if you end up finding a plan to bring him at 8:30, I'm willing to give it another shot. That lets me get myself/crew ready enough that I can handle one more." But honestly it sounds like a PITA and she is ungrateful, so I might not even do that much.

I mean, what if you said "ok deal. I will drop MY kids off at your place at 7 so that I can get ready, and then you bring everyone back around 8:15 and I'll take it from there."? She may be in a tough spot, but she should be bending over backward to make this as easy as possible for you, not consistently harder and harder. And she should be overflowing with gratitude, not guilt trips.

[Jermys]

It's taken care of. Let it go. You shouldn't feel badly about this.

[Booze Raccoon]

Team you. She is taking her frustration out on you (even if only in tone). You did the right thing for your family. She was taking advantage of you and her free ride (ha!) is over. She's just pissy about it.


Sent from the silicone chip inside my head.

[papie]

What a bitch. I would be furious if I got that manipulative guilt trip of a text. Good riddance.

[cville]

Apr 9, 2014 16:43:52 GMT -5 Jermys said:

It's taken care of. Let it go. You shouldn't feel badly about this.

Did you say . . .

[shostakovich]

You feel bad because you're a better person than she is. I doubt she felt all that bad sending her kid over to your house 45 minutes early every morning.

[Deleted]

Didn't read the other responses.

You shouldn't feel bad, you were doing her a favour, she took advantage. And now she's trying to make you feel guilty.

Too bad, so sad.

[LoveBug]

You feel bad because you are a good person and she took advantage. If she decided that it was best for her to take him in than she shouldn't have sent the condescending response to you. How rude! But don't feel bad. She should feel bad.

[MixedBerryJam]

Apr 9, 2014 16:41:17 GMT -5 @booby said:

do not reply to that text. you just got an out and you should take it!

This was my first reaction, too, but I'm thinking not responding at all might make things awkward with the neighbor. I think I might respond, either by text or in a face-to-face conversation, that I was still able to take the kid in an emergency. Just acknowledge her text, but not be cowed by it. "I'm sorry the carpooling thing didn't work for you, but on days you're running behind, I'm still able to take him with us after 8:30." or something.

ETA: Just to clarify, you are 100% in the right and have no rational reason to feel bad. This was all on her.

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

Apr 9, 2014 17:05:45 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

Apr 9, 2014 16:41:17 GMT -5 @booby said:

do not reply to that text. you just got an out and you should take it!

This was my first reaction, too, but I'm thinking not responding at all might make things awkward with the neighbor. I think I might respond, either by text or in a face-to-face conversation, that I was still able to take the kid in an emergency. Just acknowledge her text, but not be cowed by it. "I'm sorry the carpooling thing didn't work for you, but on days you're running behind, I'm still able to take him with us after 8:30." or something.

ETA: Just to clarify, you are 100% in the right and have no rational reason to feel bad. This was all on her.

I would not say this. She'll be running behind every day and it will just keep happening.
Does your school not have a morning latch key program? We're super close with our neighbor and only on occasion has she asked me to take her child to school instead of sending her daughter to latch key.

[MixedBerryJam]

Apr 9, 2014 17:12:20 GMT -5 Mrs. ChanandlerBong said:

Apr 9, 2014 17:05:45 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

This was my first reaction, too, but I'm thinking not responding at all might make things awkward with the neighbor. I think I might respond, either by text or in a face-to-face conversation, that I was still able to take the kid in an emergency. Just acknowledge her text, but not be cowed by it. "I'm sorry the carpooling thing didn't work for you, but on days you're running behind, I'm still able to take him with us after 8:30." or something.

ETA: Just to clarify, you are 100% in the right and have no rational reason to feel bad. This was all on her.

I would not say this. She'll be running behind every day and it will just keep happening.
Does your school not have a morning latch key program? We're super close with our neighbor and only on occasion has she asked me to take her child to school instead of sending her daughter to latch key.

Yeah, I think you're right. It's going to be awkward anyway. No sense opening the door to being taken advantage of again! Sorry, OP! You still have no reason to feel bad about how this played out.

[themoneytree]

Good for you for standing up for yourself in a reasonable way before you got to the end of your rope. You handled this perfectly and her response reflects poorly only on her. Don't play into it - this is her issue to work out.

[bab]

She's manipulating you which is why you are feeling bad. Don't fall for any additional bullshit from this womsn. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

[Deleted]

She's making you feel bad and trying to put this on you which is not fair. She knows she stepped way past the line of appropriate.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using proboards

[missyny]

Everyone in here is spot on! You feel bad bc you're a pleaser and she is a bitch who stomps all over sweethearts like you.

Fuck her. Im pissed off for you!

[gullterre15]

Buh Bye! You handled it perfectly. My mornings are INSANE and I only have the one kid who just lays in my bed and watches TV until I am ready. I could not even fathom more, including a rowdy neighbor kid. Kudos to you.

[VeryViolet]

I would respond with a really cheery "sounds good!" Manipulative people don't know what to do when you don't fall for it and take everything at face value. My only concern with not responding is there is still an open issue of who will take him to school and he may show up on your doorstep again.

She is an entitled bitch though I cannot imagine getting a kid with ADHD and twins ready in the morning. However, she moved from maybe just overwhelmed to bitch with that text so don't feel bad at all.

[BaliHai]

Yeah, awkward be damned, I would not respond to that text. Nothing irritates me more than a martyr act.

[psychmom]

Good riddance. She shot herself in the foot in this situation. You were doing her a favor and she took advantage of it AND THEN gets an attitude when you bring it up.

You feel bad because she manipulating you.

[Muddled]

Did you respond, katb?

She's trying to guilt you. Don't let her. You are clearly a good friend and I would live to have you as a neighbor.

[katb]

I didn't respond to any texts. Her husband posted something vague on FB to her, but who knows if it was towards me or someone else. I am kinda pissed if it was towards me that I tried and it didn't work out. What else am I supposed to do? I mean I watched your kid for free for almost an hour a day every school day for 5 months.

[Deleted]

Be proud that you stood up for yourself, katb!

[ECB]

The ONLY thing I would consider saying is something to the effect of "Your DS didn't annoy me.  That's not what I said.  I'm glad to have him come over at 8:30 if that will still work for you". 

Because even though some of this is about him annoying you, the bigger issue is that she was bringing him over too early where you weren't ready yet.  I wouldn't let her make this about HIM when this is about HER.