rbp That doesn't sound too bad. My DH has lost pretty much everything: house+car keys, keys to an apartment that we were renting short term while on vacation that couldn't be replaced and we had to go find new accommodation, passport, cell phones, iPads, his wallet. Pretty much anything he can lose he has. He is an expert at cancelling credit cards.
In the last 2.5 years he has lost his passport twice. Both times had serious financial repercussions for us (we live overseas - he travels for work). Thousands of dollars, weeks of stress. The threat that he would not be given another passport because the last one was also lost.
Friends and siblings ask me how I deal with it. It's taken some time but I have gotten better at just letting him deal with the fall out himself and not worrying about it.
Also, this was no bait and switch. I knew when I married him that he lost stuff, important stuff, all the time.
Yes, I do. I've been like that since a chid. I don't usually lose daily things like my keys or purse, but other things like jacket, camera, etc. I really don't have a suggestion. I get so mad at myself when things disappear.
My H lost his passport the night before we were supposed to go to Mexico on an all expense paid trip. It was going to be our babymoon (I was 27ish weeks with dd1). We could not go.
I lose lipstick and earrings and leave things in hotel rooms.
Other than that I'm pretty good. I really never lose my keys or wallet. Occasionally I misplace my phone.
I did lose my phone once and just about lost my shit when I found it--it was in my car and had fallen below the seat on the passenger side. For weeks I didn't open the passenger side of my car, but DH had. It was the first thing I saw when I opened the passenger side. I had long before already bought a new phone. No idea how DH didn't see it.
We're a pretty good team when it comes to finding solutions with these shortcomings. A few years ago we kept putting our keys in random spots when we got home from work. So we talked about it, and bought a larger table for the foyer, and a crystal dish to hold keys/phones.
There are certain things each of us are better at. I hold passports in my purse on vacation, and am responsible for pulling them out at the airport, then locking them in the hotel safe. DS is responsible for grabbing the passports when we return home, and putting them in his dresser, desk, or locked safe.
We have simple systems for a lot of things like this. I'm good at opening the mail and explaining medical bills, confirming they need to be paid, etc. But I'm not as quick to pay them, and often misplace them or they sit in my purse/work bag. DH is amazing about paying things quickly, so we do a handoff.
My H lost his passport the night before we were supposed to go to Mexico on an all expense paid trip. It was going to be our babymoon (I was 27ish weeks with dd1). We could not go.
So yeah, I feel you.
OMG. You win. :-# Sorry about your babymoon.
We have a trip planned to Mexico in one month. I'm going to find his passport tonight and put it on lockdown!
I misplace stuff all the time. I can't even tell you the number of times I've used "find my iPhone" since its inception. But it's my issue; I don't drag my DH into it*, and I don't flip my shit. I would be so embarrassed at my behavior if I did that, and so should your DH. He's acting like a child who expects his mom to solve his problems instead of trying on his own. That would drive me insane if I were you.
One of the things that has helped me the most is to get stuff ready early. Why did he need the car title RIGHT THAT SECOND? Couldn't he have gotten it out the night before? Or just ordered the key once he found the title? He needs to learn to plan ahead, make back up copies, come up with contingency plans, and chill the hell out, lol.
*He will help me look if he happens to be right there. But I never ask him to come help and I would NEVER ask him to drive someplace to go find my stuff or figure out where it might be.
The only way I've learned to deal with it is to minimize the number of critical things, have redundant copies of as many things as possible, and try to realize that if things go missing _within the house or office_ they'll turn up eventually, so it's okay if I can't find it for a few hours or even days. The last bit only happened when babyniq showed up, so maybe baby peppers will knock some sense into him.
Ugh, I wish he would get this! Then again, he can't easily go without his phone or wallet. But yeah, when I lose something like an ID card that isn't *crucial*, rather than turn the house upside down at 7 am I let it turn up on its own.
Also, this was no bait and switch. I knew when I married him that he lost stuff, important stuff, all the time.
H's was not a bait and switch either. I distinctly remember the time in college that he lost his high school class ring. I moved the ottoman in his living room, and the ring was under it. That was the beginning of the end--now, whenever he doesn't immediately find something, it's "RBP! Where are my keys??"
My husband used to text me or email me to ask where things were while I was in Afghanistan! So frustrating to have to list out possible places for things to be for him. He always puts things away and then doesn't remember where he put them. Then I have to try to figure out where they went. Now I just put everything away since it only takes me 2 seconds to find it if he asks for it.
I often call my husband at work to ask him for things... He and I are a bad combo. I tend to leave things out where I was last using them. He takes anything he sees and piles it up or puts it in a bag and then just stores it and never goes through the stuff again just keeps it forever. S when he cleans his car it all just goes into a bag, old mints, with newspapers, with CDs, with the car insurance card. It makes me nuts....
I guess my issue is that H throws a tantrum and gets me involved. I think I do need to put my foot down and refuse to help, but he makes SUCH a big deal and he's ALWAYS in a hurry to get somewhere, so what am I going to do? This morning I was just sitting on the couch drinking tea, though I was about to get up and take Biscuit out.
What are you going to do? Talk to him about how he handles these situations. I completely agree with you that the main issue is that he expects you to handle these incidents for him (well, and the stomping and huffing like a 5 year old). Tell him it's unfair that he seems to expect you to drop what you're doing to help him, and it's ridiculous that he stomps around while he looks for missing items. Maybe point out that you lose things too, but you don't flip out or ask him to find it for you. Let him know that he needs to start resolving these situations on his own, either by finding stuff himself, CALMLY, with no stomping, or by making an effort to keep track of things in the first place.
It doesn't have to be a huge come to Jesus talk, but it should be serious enough that he gets that you need things to change, since he didn't seem to get that you were serious the first time. Ideally, the talk should not take place during or just after a tantrum - do it at a completely unrelated time. Give him an example of a recent incident if you think that will help. The car title is the most ridiculous and was the most preventable of the examples in your OP.
Then stick to it, as hard as it might be. "I can't find my phone." "Where did you use it last?" "I don't know." "Hmm, well I don't know either hon. If you take a breather and retrace your steps, I'm sure you'll think of where you had it last. I have to take Biscuit out but I'll keep an eye out for it." Or "omg where is the car title!?!?" "It's not in the file, I don't know." "Help me look!" "I have that daycare visit now, but try looking on top of the filing cabinet or try to remember if you've pulled it out at any point. See you later." Etc. IMO these aren't cruel.
Then again, he can't easily go without his phone or wallet.
But if he had to go without either for a day, that might be enough impetus to keep better track of it. As long as you fix the problem for him, he'll never experience the consequences that will hopefully motivate him to fix it himself.
I misplace my sunglasses ALL THE DAMN TIME OMG. They've currently been missing for almost a week; I'm concerned that I need to give up the search and replace them. I'm super bummed because I've had this pair since 10/2012; it was a record for me in terms of sunglasses!
When H uses his debit card, he never uses credit cards and doesn't even carry them, he will put it just anywhere. pockets, car visor, wherever. I keep telling him- put it back in your wallet. He has to get a new debit card at least 3 times a year. A new driver's license at least once a year. He loses everything, has the attention span of a gnat - but then he remembers phone numbers, addresses and odd information from 20 years ago.
I am a detail oriented person, I'm not perfect, but I'm really very good at remembering things, remembering where I put things. Putting important things like debit cards back in my wallet after I use them. Etc. I really get frustrated and annoyed with H over this stuff.
I misplace my sunglasses ALL THE DAMN TIME OMG. They've currently been missing for almost a week; I'm concerned that I need to give up the search and replace them. I'm super bummed because I've had this pair since 10/2012; it was a record for me in terms of sunglasses!
I bought five pairs of my sunglasses because I misplace them so much. lol. Fortunately they're inexpensive. I will never buy expensive sunglasses because losing something that expensive will majorly bum me out.
I'm sorry; that is annoying. My mom is like that. I think as a result of how much it delayed and annoyed me in childhood, I am the opposite and always know where I put things and notice almost immediately when they're missing. Having designated places for things would help, but that's kind of 101 advice that probably won't really help. :^)
Edit: Actually, I did "lose" a pair of flats over last weekend. I couldn't find them anywhere at home, which is weird because there are only two places at home where I ever put my shoes. Got to work yesterday and there were the flats, under my desk. I had worn them into work last week and changed into heels when I got here, then apparently wore my heels home.
Routine definitely helps. The reason I "lost" the shoes was because I broke a habit and forgot to switch shoes before heading home. Because it was so out of habit, I didn't even remember doing it.
We have a table in the kitchen that stuff goes on like phones and keys. We do not lose stuff often but my DS does and it dives my crazy. DH moved my keys without me knowing so I called him because I could not go to work without my keys and he said he did not know then said maybe in the car... I asked how they got into the car and he says he does not know but I know I did not put them there.
Post by rootbeerfloat on Apr 15, 2014 13:38:02 GMT -5
My H can't keep track of anything. We have drop zones, which he uses sporadically. I try to let things be his problem, but when he "borrows" my garage door opener (b/c he lost the other one years ago), and I can't get in the garage, it becomes my problem, too. DS is following in his footsteps, and I'm about to lose my mind, lol.
My husband misplaces things or can't find things, but usually they are right in front of his face. Thankfully he doesn't really lose things forever or even important things. It's the dumb every day stuff like the wallet, the phone, the keys - which are usually somewhere I find them right away. But annoying.
Post by twodogsandababy on Apr 15, 2014 13:56:16 GMT -5
My H does this so often that he calls it a game. There have been several times we have changed phones only to find the old one a few days later, after he "looked everywhere and it is gone." I have stopped dropping what I am doing to help him search. I feel your pain. It is beyond frustrating. I just want to scream at him to get his shit together.
ETA: I have OCD and have talked to my psych about this. I really believe our house would be total chaos if I relaxed about keeping things in certain spots and my psych agrees to an extent considering H's forgetfulness.
OMG, I just got a phone call asking where his car keys are.
*bangs head into desk*
ETA: he left them in the basement. Why the hell are they in the basement??
Few things infuriate me more than H calling me *at work* to ask where something is. FIND IT YOURSELF.
I "get" this call today, because this morning I told him I needed to unlock his car and get my raincoat out. I couldn't find his keys and didn't feel like waking him back up to help me look for them because then he'd get cranky, so I just left without the raincoat. He called me because he thought I misplaced his keys.
Post by explorer2001 on Apr 15, 2014 16:29:51 GMT -5
I "lose" my phone in my house at least weekly. By which I mean I have been carrying it around the house while I'm doing things, texting, GBCNing, etc. I usually find it within 5 minutes or less. I never freak out.
Other than that (well and hair ties and bobby pins which don't count at all) the last things I can only think of a few things I've lost in the last 5 years. Sadly currently I'm missing my 4 carat sapphire necklace and my sapphire ring. I'm not even calling them lost, just missing because I think they are hiding at the bottom of my gym bag, purse, or old jewelry tray in my closet.
I am the mis-placer in the relationship, but it's usually almost always temporary. but it frustrates the hell out of DH. oh well! i'm not sorry. i don't throw tantrums but mostly DH ignores me until i find it and that helps.
DH is the kind of person who comes home at night and puts his wallet, keys and phone in the exact same spot within 30 seconds of walking in the door. it's pretty incredible. and by incredible, i mean borderline OCD. nut job .
I only read the first page of replies, and here's my .o2..
I am a ginormous loser of stuff. What helps me is to have designated spots for stuff. Jewelry goes here, keys go there, etc AND to have duplicates whenever possible. Still, I lose things and generally don't find them until I purchase a replacement.
On the other hand, I agree with you 100% that it's completely unacceptable for him to throw tantrums and attempt to force you to solve his problems for him. He created these problems and they are his to solve, not yours. He is behaving like a baby. He should get his head out of his bottom. You are within your rights to leave the house and get a pedicure until he starts behaving like a gentleman. So there.
PS When I lose my phone, I call myself using google chat/hangout. PPS When I was still married and my XH pulled this diva shit, I played stupid b/c he straight out told me he expected me to be his secretary. Playing dumb was the smartest thing I ever did to avoid yanking his head off.