Post by sparkles17 on Jul 13, 2012 10:12:11 GMT -5
So, in my post about redeming qualities, some of you had some pretty nice things to say about your ex's. I realize that not all marriages end because of cheating or abuse, so I'm curious as to what else is a deal breaker for people.
XH had an affair while I was pregnant. I was willing to try and work things out and we stayed together for another 6 months, long enough for me to have DS. I found out he was still talking to and seeing the girl he had the affair with, so I made him choose and he chose divorce. Then I found out he had been lying to me about things out entire marriage.
Deal Breaker - Low Self Esteem and not being true to yourself!!! I was "buyer's remorse" to my ex h even though I thought he was amazing. He kept this info to himself for 5 years! Now I feel like my marriage was based on a lie.
Abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual; add in control issues and sexual issues stemming from sexual repression like whoa from his über Catholic childhood
Other dealbreakers are infidelity, addiction of any kind, mental health issue with major denial or abject refusal to get proper help necessary, extreme religious fanaticism, and drinking and driving (though besides the third one, XH didn't show any of my other dealbreakers).
Post by blackkitty on Jul 13, 2012 10:21:47 GMT -5
He was so controlling and wanted me to be exactly who he wanted me to be. I tried for 7 years to be someone that I wasn't and I just couldn't do it any more. I got terribly terribly depressed and really bad anxiety. And that was not acceptable to him. Depression didn't fit in his perfect little pretty picture of what our family was supposed to look like.
Major personality/lifestyle differences. Lack of sex. His lack of interest in doing anything to fix the aforementioned issues.
We probably could have toughed it out, but we would have each been agreeing to an unfulfilled life. Instead, we decided to call it quits while we still liked each other, and while we were still young and cute enough to find partners better suited to us.
He wasn't supportive of my pregnancy. He was selfish and was trying to look after himself. Sex was not good and he has very low self esteem. His friend was a PITA and meddled in every aspect of our relationship.
Post by explorer2001 on Jul 13, 2012 10:42:52 GMT -5
Ultimately, it ended after he tried to kill me. This was after I found out about the adultery, after physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, after he spent my spent all my savings.
I did everything I could but I wasn't willing to die rather than get divorced.
Post by chrissie3416 on Jul 13, 2012 10:52:08 GMT -5
We got married for the wrong reasons...I supported him financially throughout most of our relationship and got resentful. Decided it was best to end things while we could manage to be amicable.
Post by walterismydog on Jul 13, 2012 11:18:04 GMT -5
divorce: we were young, I was a LOT to blame (just mean/immature/bitchy/etc), but he was also lazy as shit and more interested in video games than boning his wife.
most recent relationship: such a long story, but basically I took on pretty much 100% of the household chores for two years because of an injury and when that injury was corrected through surgery, he did not change and I still did 100% of everything with very little appreciation. He also made my life harder by being the biggest slob on the planet. And he didn't love me, not in that way. We had sex 4 times in three years. :\ he was never a romantic guy, but jesus I just needed a hug once in a while, or a "hey babe you look hot" - that never happened. it should have ended long ago, but i'm too damn nice and couldn't leave a person i love and care about who couldn't take care of himself. but now he doesn't need me to take care of him.
He had an affair*, but that was just a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. He never really wanted to be married (even though he begged me to marry him), and he faked it for 9 years. Knowing I was married to someone who didn't give a shit about me made me a needy, paranoid person that I HATE when I look back, and that made him resent me even more, which was a vicious cycle. He lacks emotion and approaches everything, including love, as if it were a business transaction, and I am a very passionate and emotional person. We had some good times, but fundamentally, we were just wrong for each other.
You and I had very similar marriages. I think my XH liked the idea of me, but not the reality. Eventually he disassociated from the marriage and turned me into an object.
If I'm being honest, I think he has some sort of personality disorder as well, based on what my therapist and our marriage therapist said. They couldn't diagnose him from afar or from a couple of sessions though. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. Mental illness or not, he treated me badly.
Post by explorer2001 on Jul 13, 2012 11:54:58 GMT -5
RP This is a part of the story I rarely share but here it goes and hopefully you feel less alone. ExH had underage porn, written fantasies of raping a 12 year old, sick gang band and rape porn and transgender porn (boobs and a peen). He'd come to bed at 2 am after watching this stuff and try to force things on me, sometimes I won that fight, sometimes not. Needless to.say when I found it a locked it up and took it to the police.
Bowies, my XH has narcissistic personality disorder. He wears it like a badge of honor! To him, being a narcissist = being a successful person. He has no idea how destructive it is to others.
Ha! That's what my therapist pegged my XH as being too. Of course she couched it in terms like "If what you're saying is accurate, then I would suspect him of being..." It wasn't like I could haul him in and have him formally diagnosed though.
We got married way too young, way too quick, for the wrong reasons (I was pregnant). Just not the same people we were six years ago and we have grown apart.
Post by formerlyak on Jul 13, 2012 12:33:07 GMT -5
Mine liked attention from other women too much -- it went way beyond your typical flirting or being nice. When I would tell him I was uncomfortable, he'd tell me I was crazy and over reacting. Eventually I started to believe that. Then he had an affair.
Post by usedtobebear on Jul 13, 2012 12:39:41 GMT -5
Jealousy, paranoid personality disorder (undignosed), but my Dh has always thought things that weren't with me, ex: accusing me of checking out guys in speedos everytime we would travel. False accusations, emotional & verbabl abuse, not financially contributing, depressed, not spontaneous and not enjoying life or people. Basically dragging me down and sucking the life out of me on a daily basis.
Whelp, him having a gf the entire length of our (short) marriage had a lot to do with it. Outside of that: his insecurities, low self esteem and untreated depression/anxiety.
Thankfully, we didn't make it to the altar, but we split mainly because I refused to turn into a stepford wife. As soon as he put that ring on my finger, nothing was ever good enough for him.
Plus, my mom was feeding his head full of all kinds of shit, which didn't help things at all.
He is a selfish narcissistic sociopath. And it clashed with my personality because I will stand up for myself, and always have even as a kid and even if it meant raising my voice at adults. I hated who I was with him. I was angry, resentful and and looked like a bitch and a fool in public. It was horrible. He knew perfectly how to make me look like the bad one in public and I fell into his traps too often. When there was no audience though, we got along great.
He is a selfish narcissistic sociopath....He knew perfectly how to make me look like the bad one in public and I fell into his traps too often. When there was no audience though, we got along great.
Yeah mine was a sociopath too. But he did it the opposite way. He'd make things look good in public, and then abuse me behind closed doors where noone else could see what he was doing.
We were friends who got married as friends but thought we were in love. We loved each other but weren't in love. We stayed friends and agreed to divorce and have the chance to find someone with whom we were really in love. We even agree to remarry in the future if we couldn't find someone else, as we both like the institution of marriage. Through my ex-husband I met DH. My ex is now happily remarried as well.