Post by walterismydog on Jul 16, 2012 11:48:03 GMT -5
I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I work from home. I can move wherever I want. I am strongly considering moving to my hometown (in Texas, I currently live in CO). I haven't made a decision yet, I need time to stew on this. If I were sitting on a fence, I would be leaning more on the hometown side for financial and family reasons. I could get ahead and back on my feet MUCH faster at home than I would here. I don't know if I would ever get ahead here on my own at my salary.
If I were staying here, we would have somewhat of a joint custody situation with our dog, Walter. X and Walter get along very very well and go on adventures together and all sorts of things. I am very happy to have X in Walter's life, should I stay here. Also, we do not hate each other (at all). Walter would live with me the majority of the time.
If I move home, though, I am very torn on what I would do. On one hand, I love Walter and he is my world. But he's X's buddy, too. I think Walter would be happier here, I don't know why I feel this way. Just thinking about it is breaking my heart into shreds. I don't know what to do. I don't want X to not have Walter in his life, and I don't want Walter to not have X in his life. But I also don't want Walter to not be in my life. We spend every single day, all day, together. He's my running buddy. He's my pal. Argh. This is the worst feeling. Has anyone gone through something similar? Any advice? TIA
Post by redredwine on Jul 16, 2012 11:52:17 GMT -5
Yup...he's your dog. He's your world. You have to do what makes you happy and it sounds like moving is the best thing for you.
It broke my heart that XH wasn't a part of my dog's life anymore as they were buddies and I was worried about breaking their "bond". But that was BS as XH ended up just getting a new dog anyways and my dog I bonded in a way I didn't ever think was possible. I don't know why I was so worried. Keeping my dog for ME was the best decision ever.
Walter will be fine, he will adapt and you two will have great adventures together. XH will move on. It will be the best decision for the both of you.
Post by walterismydog on Jul 16, 2012 11:55:51 GMT -5
redredwine, you said what my heart is saying. It just hurts me so much to hurt X like that, but I know he will be ok. Oh man I really hate this. I wish so badly that I hated X and didn't care about him at all, but I love him to death and he is my best friend...we just had a terrible, awful partnership as bf/gf. blackkitty, I adopted him while we were living together (we were not married, but together for 6 years). Walter is in my name as far as ownership is concerned.
Post by usedtobebear on Jul 16, 2012 11:58:06 GMT -5
I am going through the same thing with my two dogs and my stbx. I have no idea wtf I'm going to do. We've had both dogs for almost 10 years, breaks my heart to imagine them without my stbx in their life, especially one of my dogs, he and my Dh are BF's, so I've thought about him taking one and me taking the other but, that also breaks my heart to split them up, they are sisters and BF's too. So, I'm still trying to decide. I don't like the idea of having to share them only because it makes me have to deal with my stbx more often. But, I would never fight with him over the dogs either... so, we are still trying to figure it out. I'm thinking I'm going to request sole custody of them and he can take them when he wants but not weekly or daily, I'm thinking monthly, or every 3 months. The whole thing is sh!tty... in fact, yesterday I took them to the lake and my one dog got hurt and was crying like crazy and I was just thinking wtf, why can't my DH be normal, I need him here to help me with the dogs, especially when they are hurt, he was always good at that and I just panic and completely suck... Sorry to hijack your post.
Good luck with your decision. Dogs and breakups are hard!
Post by blackkitty on Jul 16, 2012 12:00:17 GMT -5
I would not let a pet be a factor in a decision on where to live.... both the dog and your Ex will be fine. People and animals adjust. Move where you think is best for you and bring your dog with you.
Post by bullygirl979 on Jul 16, 2012 12:10:52 GMT -5
Did you ever discuss what would happen if you ever broke up?
Thankfully, XBF and I agreed that Nora would be mine if we split. Now that time has come, I am SO glad we had the discussion. While I feel sad that he doesn't get to see her, I honestly can NOT imagine her in my life. But maybe I am a selfish biatch like that.
Picture your life if you DID move and left him with XBF. How would you feel? If you can't imagine your life like that, take him with you. He will be happy no matter where he is because he is loved. I would just hate for you to regret leaving him with your XBF.
Post by walterismydog on Jul 16, 2012 12:20:34 GMT -5
usedtobebear - no worries. This is a tough situation for everyone who has to go through it, I'm sure. Good luck to you with your decision. :heart: blackkitty - you're right. Walter should not be the factor. I need to turn my heart off for these tough decisions. bullygirl - We discussed it and always said he would be mine, but I would "share" Walter as often as he wanted....but that was not when moving 1000 miles away was a factor. I would feel terrible without Walter in my life, but so would he. Argh. This sucks.
Aw I know how hard this is. You need to do what is best for the dog. Who will have the better home, schedule, etc.?
My Ex and I had two dogs together. One was his that he picked out and one was mine that I picked out but we adopted them together. My dog would follow me everywhere and was my constant companion. I love her so much and felt connected to her in a very special way. She was a rescue dog and I just felt very much attached to her.
When we split, we divided up the dogs because they did not get along together so no one could keep both of them. The end decision was he actually took mine and I took his. Mine was a big dog that needed a backyard and someone who could take her on hikes and be active with her every day. He actually had a bad power struggle with his dog but I always got along fine with her and she listened to me. She was smaller and just really needed lots of love and petting. She was a city dog, mine was not.
The best decision for the dogs was for him to get my dog since he had the yard and a car to take her out on long hikes and other trips. He lives outside of the city so she has more space there. I got his because I got along better with her and my home was more geared toward her needs.
It sucked royally but I know my dog is in a better home than I could have provided. My schedule also would not have worked out with her needs.
bullygirl - We discussed it and always said he would be mine, but I would "share" Walter as often as he wanted....but that was not when moving 1000 miles away was a factor. I would feel terrible without Walter in my life, but so would he. Argh. This sucks.
Okay, I am going to be a bitch here. If XBF REALLY wanted Walter, he never would have agreed that he would be your dog. I am not kidding, some of the peeps on this board know I would shank my XBF if he EVER tried to take Nora away from me. I would fight tooth and nail for that dog. I would fight harder for Nora than ANYTHING else that we have to split up.
I think you are making this harder on yourself than it needs to be. Walter is YOUR dog. Take him and move where ever you want with him.
ETA: the only caveat I would say is if you HONESTLY think your XBF could provide a better home for Walter. I don't feel that bad about keeping Nora because even when we did live together, I was the one who fed her, took her out, took her to the vet, took her for walks, etc. XBF just liked cuddling with her. I know that on a comprehensive level, I take better care of her that he would.
Post by walterismydog on Jul 16, 2012 12:34:58 GMT -5
Thank you all. Walter would be better with me. I work from home, he's needy, and I'm always around. He gets nervous by himself. XBF has a very hectic schedule, in court all the time, etc. I think I know what I have to do. Bully, I don't think that was bitchy at all. You're absolutely right - I am definitely making this harder on myself than I need to. I seriously need to just get over not "hurting his feelings". That's lame of me. I know what I would say to a friend if they were going through the same thing, and that would be to take the dog.
Bully, I don't think that was bitchy at all. You're absolutely right - I am definitely making this harder on myself than I need to. I seriously need to just get over not "hurting his feelings". That's lame of me.
I don't think you are lame at all. But I think because of how fresh your split is, it is affecting your thinking. I totally get it. But I really think if you did decide to leave Walter with your XBF, you would totally regret it as soon as your wounds heal.
Post by walterismydog on Jul 16, 2012 12:43:26 GMT -5
My thinking is definitely being affected by the newness of this, even though it was a super long time coming. I need to breathe. I need to not make rash, emotional decisions. And I would definitely, 100% regret not taking my dog with me. He is my life, truly.
Also I think moving home could be a really good idea... I moved from CA to Idaho to be close to my family after my divorce 2 years ago. My ex was the only thing keeping me in CA and I am really glad I moved.... it was so much easier to move on and get over him in a new place.
This is my other big struggle right now. Stay in a place where I have great friends, love the weather, and love the state, but would be poor and live in a tiny crappy studio, or move back home where I have great friends AND family, am so-so on the weather, hate the politics of the state, and the cost of living would put me ahead financially and I could afford a whole house? lol...oh man so much to think about.
I agree with bully. Just look at your screen name--Walter is YOUR dog! Take Walter, move and start a new life with him at your side.
\
Funny, I clicked on here to write exactly this! I agree with all the PP's, both the X and Walter will adjust. Not that it's the same as a dog, but my ex-FI and I took in a kitten that my sister couldn't keep, we never talked about the "what if" but when we did break up it only made sense he was mine since he came from my sister. Thank God, I could never have left him and I still have him at 11 yrs old! But I did feel bad taking him from his "dad". He got over it
Also I think moving home could be a really good idea... I moved from CA to Idaho to be close to my family after my divorce 2 years ago. My ex was the only thing keeping me in CA and I am really glad I moved.... it was so much easier to move on and get over him in a new place.
This is my other big struggle right now. Stay in a place where I have great friends, love the weather, and love the state, but would be poor and live in a tiny crappy studio, or move back home where I have great friends AND family, am so-so on the weather, hate the politics of the state, and the cost of living would put me ahead financially and I could afford a whole house? lol...oh man so much to think about.
Post by prettyinpearls on Jul 16, 2012 14:39:43 GMT -5
I vote for leaving Walter with your X. It would be very difficult for you (no doubt!!) but you could find peace in knowing Walter was well loved and cared for with your X. Then, when you got home to TX, you could adopt again, giving another dog a forever home It sounds like a win-win to me!
Post by kellbell191 on Jul 17, 2012 14:26:20 GMT -5
I'm not divorced but am a dog person. Walter will adjust quickly to his new life in a new place. As long as they have their person, they're fine. And you are his person. The one who provides security, adjusts your life and your schedule to fit his. You're the one selfless enough to be his full time Mom and who loves him enough to fight for him and consider him in a long distance move. As long as he has you, he will be ok.
Hopefully this will push your X to adopt or foster if he feels it leaves a hole in his life. While I am sure he will miss Walter hopefully he can take the time and energy he's currently putting towards Walter and use it in a positive way. I've also seen how shared custody can be confusing for dogs in some of the situations our friends have. They really need security and stability.
I recently had to go through something like this. I moved back to Nebraska from Kansas with my then FI and our dog, Bruce. When we broke up, and the ex moved back to Kansas, Bruce stayed with me. It broke my ex's heart. Well recently my life majorly changed and I had less time to dedicate to Bruce, this meant he would have ended up spending long hours locked up. I had to make a very hard decision to send Bruce to live with the ex. It has been two months now and I still miss Bruce very very much, but he is getting spoiled rotten by the ex. I know he is so much happier since the ex has a large fenced in backyard that Bruce gets lost in. I don't know if I will ever be in a position to take Bruce back, but at this point I am just super happy he is with someone who loves him just as much as I do.