Feel really bad about DD's birthday

[lastnamejane]

So, my LO's first birthday is coming up a in a few weeks.  I'm on a few message boards for kids and 1st birthday parties are frequently talked about.  Usually folks talking about parties of 30-100 people, with themes, favors, etc.

Both my husband and my family live out of town (like- thousands of miles away).  None of our friends have young kids- mine have college aged kids and DH's friends are still mostly bachelors.  Our immediate neighbors are out of the country (ex pats, but own a house here).  Others in the neighborhood are in their 60's and we are cordial, but not close.

We had decided to throw a party for DD inviting our close friends- just about 15.  The RSVP date has come and gone and no one even acknowledged the invite.  I know that a first birthday celebration likely isn't first thing on the mind, especially of DH's friends, and I feel silly for even inviting them.

I'm totally fine with just having a birthday with the three of us, but I feel bad for my little girl.  Really bad- like I've let her down.  =(

Also, what about when she gets old enough to realize?  Her classmates are talking about these huge parties with family and she has no one?

Help me think about this from another perspective, if there is one......

Thanks

[MrsAxilla]

Don't feel bad! You haven't let her down - she don't know! I remember for Ben's first birthday, we were broke as a joke. We invited ONE other family to the park for a BBQ and our budget was exactly $50 (including gifts!). We all had a great time, and Ben doesn't even remember it. Don't stress. Save that for when she's 13!

[VillainV]

i think a small gathering is just fine. You might remind people of the party, especially if it was a paper invite (I think Evites automatically remind people who haven't responded). I also think it's fine to make it more of an adult-oriented gathering (cookout with beers) instead of too kiddie-themed. Your one-year-old won't care if it's kiddie-themed or not.

[spaghetticat]

It's really lame that people didn't RSVP. But that's their fault, not yours. I understand why it's disappointing, but your LO won't know the difference.

[badgergrl]

I think parties for 1 year olds should be about the parents anyway- hey we survived the first year and kept this child alive! Hooray for us!

[rex]

do you remember your first birthday? probably not.

i've never seen pictures of mine. i am carrying on perfectly fine.

i know it's hard, and it's so rude no one rsvp'd. she won't know the difference or remember

[curbsideprophet]

I would not worry about it. she is not going to remember it. I also would not assume people are not coming. People are horrible about RSVPs.

When she is older you can invite her classmates.

[minzy]

That is rude that no one RSVPed, but do not feel bad that you are letting your daughter down.  Having a huge first birthday party (or not) is not something she will remember.  By the time she is old enough to remember, and if it is important to you (it need not be), you/she will probably have acquired more friends/classmates to invite.  

We have no family nearby either.  Two years ago, I did not even know four of the six families we had at my daughter's recent third birthday. 

[jackie011]

This is one of those things where if the internet didn't exist you wouldn't even give this a second thought. My mom pointed this out to me when I was pregnant. I'd stress about something that I'd read online and she'd say "thank goodness we didn't have the internet in my day- I never would have even thought about ____".

I would follow up with the friends. I bet some are planning to attend but didn't RSVP. Your child will have a lovely birthday with her parents, if nothing else. I understand feeling sad that your families are far away, but your child will still have a wonderful birthday!!

[gibbinator]

By the time she's old enough to realize she doesn't have family around, she will be old enough to want to invite her own friends from preschool.
no big deal!
Take her to the zoo, or somewhere else exciting just the 3 of you. It'll be more fun for her anyway since at 1yr old, it's just another day.

[AmyRI]

Each of my kids' first birthday "parties" were a whopping hour long and consisted of cake with us and the 3 local family members we have. There was no theme. There were hardly any presents. But we sang happy birthday, took lots of pictures of the kids with icing on their faces, and called it a day.

I'm willing to bet there are a LOT of simple, small birthday parties and people like me just don't care enough to chime into the big "First Birthday!" threads because it's just NBD to us. You are NOT alone.

If you're looking for suggestions on other ways to make it special, a coworker told me that one of his kids loves to travel, even if it's only a couple hours away (they travel from RI to Boston, NYC, or New Hampshire) so for his birthdays they skip a party and go on a trip. Maybe there's a place nearby you can go to celebrate just the 3 of you.

[Deleted]

Almost no one in my community RSVPs. It's obnoxious.

It'll be fine. My dd's 1st birthday party was a cake at m parents house . There were four of us (5 if you count the dog) present. It was super low key because I was in the middle of a stressful time at work and she isn't going to remember. It was fine, I promise!

[arch01]

I'd also be irritated about the no RSVP-that's just rude.

But-I agree with the others, you're overthinking this. Enjoy the time as a family. We haven't had a party for DS yet-and probably won't for awhile still. Hell, we may never throw a party for him...my thoughts at the moment are to offer him a choice between an experience of his choosing (within reason) or a party.

[undecidedowl]

You haven't failed at all. Your LO will have just as much fun smashing into a cake with just you as she would with people around who are practically strangers to her still. Take pictures, dig into the cake with her, unwrap a present and just have fun. Go on an adventure to somewhere like a zoo, museum, or even just a park. Look through pictures of her first year and reminisce; this birthday is just as much for you as it is for her. The only thing I know of my first birthday is a picture I have seen with a piece of cake in front of me.

And try not to borrow trouble. Things will change, people will come and go from your lives. By the time she is old enough to want to invite people she will have friends through school that she can invite. Plus, you don't even know if she would want a big party, some kids prefer small outings.

[Deleted]

I'm sad about your friends for you!

However, don't let the internet get you down or fool you into thinking this is what everyone does.

When I was little we got pizza and ice cream cake with my family and grandparents. When we were older we got to pick a restaurant for b-day dinner.

My kid's 1st birthday? We took her to the zoo with my immediate siblings and parents.
Her second? We took her out to breakfast, had a normal day at home and grilled with the grands at night.

I just don't give a damn about birthday parties.

[dcrunnergirl52]

That's rude of them not to RSVP, but I wouldn't worry if you have a small party. I guarantee she won't be upset. Do you even know what your parents did for your first birthday?

My older kids have had three birthdays and have yet to have a party that was more than just the ILs over for dinner and cake and doing something fun (museum, aquarium) on the day of their birthday. We got decorations, balloons, cake, etc. and had the ILs over and it was just as much a party for them as if we'd had 50 people at our house. This is the first year we'll throw them a real party--when they turn 4 years old.

Also, my baby turns 1 in a few weeks, and I have given no thought to his birthday. We'll just do cake and presents with the ILs. He won't know the difference, and it's easy for us.

[hocus2]

I  get why you feel bad. It is pretty frustrating when people don't acknowledge your milestones. However your child will be happy with what ever you choose to do. While we did have a big first birthday we did very small second birthdays because I just felt like most people aren't very invested in other people's children. At 3 we do friends parties.

Does your child attend daycare? Do you have a mom's group if you stay home? I've found that kids generate their own social lives and it can help with some of the issues of not having friends in a similar place in life.

[ssmjlm]

Don't feel bad! The party is about the parents and LO, anyone else is just a plus. We had people telling us just a couple days before or day of they weren't coming. People these days just don't have some of the same etiquette as before unfortunately.

[Deleted]

Don't feel bad! I originally wanted to have a big party for my sons first birthday in a few weeks but a lot of our close friends live far away and even our immediate family didn't feel like traveling to us. We are doing a low key party at my parents house and then they are watching my son while DH and I go on a date. We have plenty of years to celebrate our kids.

[ringstrue]

Honestly - do you know what sort of party your parents did for your 1st birthday? Do you care?

We just did a think with the grandparents and my sisters - nothing too big a deal. She had her one cousin there to "play with". They are still babies. They don't give a crap.

I did buy her a fun "1st birthday" dress but that was for pics and me.

[cilantro]

I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I feel foolish for throwing a 'big' 1st birthday in 2 weeks. I should be thankful for the turnout I expect, but almost eeeeeveryone is out of town and now I feel like I'm spending a fortune for something I should have just done in my home on the cheap. I even just got a first birthday invite from one of the people in my mom's group for the EXACT SAME DAY yesterday, so now there will be even fewer people that I counted on attending.

[shellbear09]

I totally understand how you would feel bad but it is totally ok! The parties at this age are for you because the kid doesn't remember. We do have a lot of family in town so that is who mostly was invited. I had a party at home for 20 and did it all myself which was a lot of work.

You could always start a tradition of doing a special trip or outing for her birthday and that will be something really special even if it isn't the big party you are imagining. As she gets older you will have her classmates to invite and your friends will probably have kids too.

[wavepool]

Maybe someone else already said this, but I think what you're talking about is more the norm than what you see here and on pinterest. I'm sorry people are being jerks and not RSVP'ing. You guys enjoy her party, whether it's the three of you or a whole group!

[teatimefor2]

I get why you feel bad, I did too. We had just moved back to the US and have family everywhere. We had a small party and he was loved. That's what matters the most. I'm so glad we didn't spend hundreds in his first birthday. We put it in his college fund- he'll thank me when he's 18.

I don't remember by 1st birthday, but I do my 16th. The ones they remember and can help plan is more important to me. I feel like first birthday parties are more aw-ish for the parents frankly.

[karinothing]

I don't think you should feel bad. I think your close friends should feel like assholes for ignoring the RSVP date. You daugther will be happy no matter what.

[lastnamejane]

Thanks, ladies. I feel better now. Some good perspectives to think about. Scary- but the first of my birthays I actually remember well is my 16th!

[rugbywife]

I don't have a single picture of my first birthday but my parents had a huge bash for my 2nd. The pictures make me think I had a blast, because I was able to participate. Honestly, my kid's first birthday is not a huge priority for me. I think there is just a lot of presumed pressure because some people do put a lot of time and money into it. Not doing so doesn't make you a bad mother.

ETA: I am going to just say it: I feel like 1st birthday have become competition grounds for parents. The baby isn't ever going to remember any of it or care.  It's all about the adults.