A Revelation of Sorts

[Deleted]

So because it's painfully slow today, I'll post about a revelation I had last night. I'm on a total boy detox for a while after a few sort of crushing rejections. It's been nice to not have the distraction of if he will text, blah blah.

Anyways I kept thinking after the rejections, but I'm so nice and helpful and thoughtful. How could he possibly not want me??? And then at some point it dawned on me. I sort of "hide" behind this cloak of being "nice and thoughtful." And I'm so focused on showing them how nice, thoughtful, giving, sweet I am, that I don't really show them anything about me.

I'm starting to realize why boys don't fall for me despite my clear awesomeness. I NEVER show them my awesomeness. I think I just end up coming across as a sweet girl, but nothing really that exciting or really anything they could connect with.

Anyone else find they do something similar? Thoughts?

[jade28]

My problem is I get guys who like me because I am nice. I mean who doesn't like a nice girl? They will keep me around for a long time because I am just such nice company,

But they don't ever fall in love with me. I have learned now who likes me because I am nice and who likes me for me.

I know I do focus on being nice too much. I always want to people please and I am too agreeable with everything people say and do. I guess a part of me is afraid that if I am not miss nice girl constantly and doing whatever will make other people happy, then no one will like me.

But that is not true. After my divorce, I have been trying more to be real and authentic and not just the nice girl. It's hard because I really am laid back and easygoing...but I have realized I can be a nice girl but still demand what I want and need and still express my negative emotions. I think it makes me more of a "real" person that people can connect with on a deeper level.

[redredwine]

Jul 17, 2012 13:17:45 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

So because it's painfully slow today, I'll post about a revelation I had last night. I'm on a total boy detox for a while after a few sort of crushing rejections. It's been nice to not have the distraction of if he will text, blah blah.

Anyways I kept thinking after the rejections, but I'm so nice and helpful and thoughtful. How could he possibly not want me??? And then at some point it dawned on me. I sort of "hide" behind this cloak of being "nice and thoughtful." And I'm so focused on showing them how nice, thoughtful, giving, sweet I am, that I don't really show them anything about me.

I'm starting to realize why boys don't fall for me despite my clear awesomeness. I NEVER show them my awesomeness. I think I just end up coming across as a sweet girl, but nothing really that exciting or really anything they could connect with.

Anyone else find they do something similar? Thoughts?

I am strangely so with you on this...I was actually just thinking this the other day. WHY do I keep dating these guys that hang around for a little while, only to just slowly dissappear. I'm nice, I think I make a great girlfriend, I'm very laid back, I think I'm pretty cute, I have my shIt together, I have a good job, etc. But I wonder if I'm "exciting" enough or something? I'm not Miss Crazy Spontaneous Outgoing because really that's just not me. But is that what they are looking for? Am I just too nice? Too polite?
I mean, I can't change who I am, so what can I do differently?

I keep dating the same kind of guy and wondering if it's me or them. I think clearly me if they all end up being the same, but I don't think I'm really the issue here. So, what is it? I'm so curious and curious what others have to say.

[Bernadine]

I kind of had my own little revelation. I'm a nurture/care taker. I like to do things for people to show them I care about them, but I need to make sure that I'm doing nice things for people who appreciate it, and not people, especially men, who will just come to expect it.

[missbetty1]

I think you are on to something. I've always had an edge to me when I'm seeing someone. I'm not a drama queen but I have been called a "piece of work" on more than one occasion by different guys. And although they say I'm difficult they keep coming back for more lol...I bought that book "Why Men love B*tches" and I realized I have been doing a lot of the stuff in that book my whole dating life, go figure...

[jade28]

The guy friends I have talked to about this say that guys do like a challenge, which nice girls don't usually offer. They want a a girl who challenges them and has them working for her attention/happiness/whatever else. I think this dynamic brings out natural guy traits. They want to "win."

They also like girls who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it even if it pisses people off. They like seeing a girl get angry.

I get this perspective. I do remember dating a guy who was really nice and was happy to do whatever I wanted to do and was very easygoing and agreeable. I got SO bored because he didn't challenge me at all. He didn't get me outside of my comfort zone. It was like I was hanging out with myself...and I got bored fast.

I do think guys eventually realize the girls who are just mean aren't worth their time and they do come around to appreciating the nice girls a lot more. I think though nice girls just need to make an effort to change things up sometimes and had a bit of excitement and challenge to the relationship.

[jade28]

Jul 17, 2012 13:45:01 GMT -5 @missbetty1 said:

I think you are on to something. I've always had an edge to me when I'm seeing someone. I'm not a drama queen but I have been called a "piece of work" on more than one occasion by different guys. And although they say I'm difficult they keep coming back for more lol...I bought that book "Why Men love B*tches" and I realized I have been doing a lot of the stuff in that book my whole dating life, go figure...

What stuff did the book mention?

[Deleted]

Red, I don't think it's necessarily about being exciting, but about really letting your personality shine through. Like for instance I realized all of my text conversations with these guys were ALL about them. Hope that project at work goes great! Let me know what I can do to help with your move! You're working late tonight, can I bring you dinner?

(Yes I realize these sound pathetic, but I promise they aren't as bad when in context). But VERY rarely did I express something about my self like "just had a blast with some girlfriends playing glow in the dark mini golf. Did I ever tell you I rock at mini golf? Feeling up for a challenge?" Or whatever that's probably a bad example.

I guess my point is that I'm so focused on showing them how nice and super thoughtful I am, that I forget to show them ME. And as such I come across pretty dull. I think these guys eat it up at first because they like the attention, but then I end up just being super boring and forgetable.

I don't think it means being someone you aren't or being "exciting," but basically it comes down to showcasing your personality.

[doriswe]

I think it was MCC that talked about having canned answers for all dates and I think that's me a lot of the time. I always run through conversations in my head prior to a date and I need to stop that and focus on being me. I'm a little quirky and if they don't dig that, it's okay, because they're just not the right fit for me then!

[redredwine]

Jul 17, 2012 13:54:16 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Red, I don't think it's necessarily about being exciting, but about really letting your personality shine through. Like for instance I realized all of my text conversations with these guys were ALL about them. Hope that project at work goes great! Let me know what I can do to help with your move! You're working late tonight, can I bring you dinner?

(Yes I realize these sound pathetic, but I promise they aren't as bad when in context). But VERY rarely did I express something about my self like "just had a blast with some girlfriends playing glow in the dark mini golf. Did I ever tell you I rock at mini golf? Feeling up for a challenge?" Or whatever that's probably a bad example.

I guess my point is that I'm so focused on showing them how nice and super thoughtful I am, that I forget to show them ME. And as such I come across pretty dull. I think these guys eat it up at first because they like the attention, but then I end up just being super boring and forgetable.

I don't think it means being someone you aren't or being "exciting," but basically it comes down to showcasing your personality.

That makes sense...I see what you mean. And lately it seems like I've been in a rut of guys that I ask questions about them (beucase that's what you're "supposed" to do, right?")...but they don't ask about me. That was the case with the guy I was seeing for several months. I rarely got a chance to tell about ME because I was asking about him and trying to be that engaging girl. I'm awesome...if you ask. I can't tell them about me if they don't ask about me, but maybe I can. or should. Like "enough about you. let's talk about me!" becuase that's not my style...but maybe it needs to be or something. Sigh. I don't know.

[blackkitty]

One thing I do know is that the guys I am not interested in are always coming back for more... and the guys I do like tend to disappear. I'm guessing I am unintentionally "nicer" to the guys I like so I think you are on to something for sure.

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2012 14:15:23 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

One thing I do know is that the guys I am not interested in are always coming back for more... and the guys I do like tend to disappear. I'm guessing I am unintentionally "nicer" to the guys I like so I think you are on to something for sure.

Yea and my point isn't necessarily to be bitchy or anything. But personally I tend to only let the "nice" portion of my personality shine through. And I find that I am soley focused on how to show them that I'd be a nice, loving, friendly, sweet partner, that I totally lose anything else about me.

[udscoobychick]

Jul 17, 2012 14:09:52 GMT -5 redredwine said:

That makes sense...I see what you means. And lately it seems like I've been in a rut of guys that I ask questions about them (beucase that's what you're "supposed" to do, right?")...but they don't ask about me. That was the case with the guy I was seeing for several months. I rarely got a chance to tell about ME because I was asking about him and trying to be that engaging girl. I'm awesome...if you ask. I can't tell them about me if they don't ask about me, but maybe I can. or should. Like "enough about you. let's talk about me!" becuase that's not my style...but maybe it needs to be or something. Sigh. I don't know.

This really resonates with me. I'm a pretty shy, reserved person. I don't share a lot about myself unless prompted (and even then, only if I feel comfortable). I've talked to BF and told him that if I ask him how his day was, I appreciate it if he asks me in return. It's not that he wasn't interested in hearing about my day--it's that he's a very naturally outgoing person who doesn't hesitate to talk about what's on his mind, so it hadn't occured to him that I would need this prompt from him to share about my day. Same thing getting to know other people--I ask lots of questions, but I won't share my own answer to the question unless someone asks me.

I've had to work on this a bit when I teach my dance classes. While we're stretching or doing other stuff, it's good to keep some chatter up, and as an instructor, I'm generally expected to lead it. Most people will give very short answers unless you give a longer one, so I've started keeping in mind silly stories from work or whatever to share so that people relax. It's tough to just launch right into the story! I have to remind myself that people like to hear them!

[missbetty1]

Jul 17, 2012 13:49:17 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Jul 17, 2012 13:45:01 GMT -5 @missbetty1 said:

I think you are on to something. I've always had an edge to me when I'm seeing someone. I'm not a drama queen but I have been called a "piece of work" on more than one occasion by different guys. And although they say I'm difficult they keep coming back for more lol...I bought that book "Why Men love B*tches" and I realized I have been doing a lot of the stuff in that book my whole dating life, go figure...

What stuff did the book mention?

My book is at home so I'll have to post a few quotes the author made in the book for you a little later

[missbetty1]

Okay...There is So much in this book so I just randomly choose an Attraction Principle..this #45..."A woman looks more secure in a man's eyes when he can't pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life". When you love life with him or without him, this is when he will accept and value you for who you are.

The Nice girl:
The Nice girl senses how happy he is, playing close attention to his approval of her... He is the boss...of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch doesn't obsess over his opinion or need his approval..She stays the boss...of herself

The Nice girl:
When he's "into it" with the nice girl she feels good; when he snubs her, she feels bad...He is the boss..of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch has more confidence, so someone else's mood doesn't have much impact. Instead she plays tennis...She stays the boss...of herself

The Nice Girl:
The Nice girl gives too much first and then negotiates recprocity later...He is the boss...of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch gives only when it is reciprocal. She stays the boss...of herself

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2012 17:35:05 GMT -5 @missbetty1 said:

Okay...There is So much in this book so I just randomly choose an Attraction Principle..this #45..."A woman looks more secure in a man's eyes when he can't pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life". When you love life with him or without him, this is when he will accept and value you for who you are.

The Nice girl:
The Nice girl senses how happy he is, playing close attention to his approval of her... He is the boss...of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch doesn't obsess over his opinion or need his approval..She stays the boss...of herself

The Nice girl:
When he's "into it" with the nice girl she feels good; when he snubs her, she feels bad...He is the boss..of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch has more confidence, so someone else's mood doesn't have much impact. Instead she plays tennis...She stays the boss...of herself

The Nice Girl:
The Nice girl gives too much first and then negotiates recprocity later...He is the boss...of her

The Bitch:
The Bitch gives only when it is reciprocal. She stays the boss...of herself

I totally agree with all of this. But I find it really annoying that they call the secure woman a "bitch." Why does being a strong, secure woman have to be so negative to society? I don't actually see any of these things as "bitchy" at all.

[missbetty1]

The author says in the preface that "bitch" in the title does not take itself too seriously. She said she is using the word in a "tongue in cheek" way representative of the humorous tone of the book....

[Deleted]

Awww that makes sense. Just put it on hold at my library.

[missbetty1]

Jul 17, 2012 17:46:40 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Awww that makes sense. Just put it on hold at my library.

Yaaay! lol