Update - of sorts

[TrickyBob]

I want to thank you all for the kind words, the pms, the virtual hugs. They mean a lot to me. 

I fear writing this because it isn't how you want things to go, it isn't going how I would suggest it go to someone else. It is so easy to say "dtmf!" and "throw his shit on the lawn" and then they walk back in the door and you realize that your past few years and what you thought would be your future is standing right there in front of you and all those big bad plans slip away. 

He had come home the next morning and we went grocery shopping. What an odd thing to do, but we did it and we barely spoke. Friday we went to lunch and we talked all the way there, at lunch, walking around, all the way home. I let him get out his frustrations with me and I got out mine. And then life went back to normal. For a few days I wanted to fix it, for a few days I wanted to say "ok, one more chance", for a few days I wanted to pretend it never happened. And he had been nice those few days. 

But now he is getting bitchy with me and every day that passes, I care less. Every day that goes by, my internal mantra is "fuck you." Fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for lying to me, fuck you for every fucking thing you've ever said to me. Fuck you."

I don't care that he is here, we are legally married, this is our home. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I don't have a job, he pays all our bills, pays the groceries, the gas, the car repairs. I am looking for a job. He thinks I am looking because he told me to. I am looking for me, so that whatever I decide, I can do it without him. 

I don't know what I want. I am so terrified of failing. I just wanted someone to love me, that's all I wanted, someone to love me. 

I am safe, I have no doubt about that. Mentally it is exhausting but hopefully I will have a job soon and can just detach myself from this for awhile. Some days I am okay, some days I am just fucking angry, some days I am just sad. And some days, I just don't know what to do with myself. 

This is just so scary. And I hate being a statistic, I hate that so much. "Oh, you got married at 21? No wonder your marriage failed!" I don't want people to look at me like that.

[verycontrary247]

First off, big hug to you.

I 100% understand not wanting to feel like a statistic (I got married at 19, divorced at 24). I was really, really embarrassed for a while but the people who matter won't judge you, and fuck the people who do.

[Jalapeñomel]

Your marriage did not fail because you were 21, it failed because your DH is a fucking selfish asshole...that can happen to any one at any age.

Many hugs to you trickybob. You deserve happiness in whatever you decide to do.

[mudslide]

((Huge hugs))

[wannabe]

You have to take care of you, and other people be damned. Life is just too short to live it miserably, when there's so much happiness to be found out there.

I got married at 21 too. And then I was divorced by 29. Ain't no shame in it, dude. Do what you need to get your happiness.

[So_Fetch]

::hugs::

Sending you lots of strength and love, whatever you decide to do in whatever timeframe you need.

[sparkythelawyer]

Hang in there. Make a plan. Then follow the plan. You'll be ok.

[sharknado]

There is no shame working things out, either.


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[TrickyBob]

Jun 9, 2014 22:42:02 GMT -5 sharknado said:

There is no shame working things out, either.


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I don't like saying it out loud but I am 98% sure this will end in divorce. I just need to grow a spine and realize I will be ok/save up some money to handle this house myself. 

It is right there, in the back of my head, how this will end. 

[ginap]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Echoing everyone else that you haven't failed at anything - he failed you and your marriage. You will get through this and will be stronger and will find the happiness you deserve.

[pantsparty]

I am so sorry bob. It is very easy to look from the outside and tell you what to do; not so easy living it. Please remember you are worthy of a happy, good marriage. (((Hugs)))

[Deleted]

You will not fail. I know you won't. You are amazing and will come out on top of this.

((Hugs))

[sewpinkgal]

Big hugs.

FWIW, my BFF's sister got married at 21 and divorced at 22. She remarried at 26, to a wonderful man that is a perfect fit for her. Her first husband was such an ass that no one had any ill will towards her - instead, we were just so thrilled for her that she found her happy again. First, without anyone and then with her now husband, who is a fantastic guy.

Anyone that looks down on you because you are putting yourself first in this situation can take a long walk off a short pier. Seriously.

[underwaterrhymes]

Big hugs to you.

[G22]

Huge hugs tricky. Whatever happens, whatever you decide, you did not fail.

[bronxgirl]

You did not fail. You are holding your own in a tough situation. Whatever happens this board is a place for support and we'll always be here for you. Big hugs.

[alicenelson]

Thinking of you, TB. Do whatever you need to do for YOU. Good luck on the job hunt. <3

[isabel]

I missed the back story, but you get props from me for being brave. For going through the motions and recognizing the next steps. For doing what you need to do now and letting the dust settle a bit.

Lots of hugs to you. I'm very sorry.

[flatlan]

Big hugs bob! You know that we are all here for you and want the best for you, whatever that may be.

[Deleted]

Hugs. Just take care of yourself right now, and do whatever you need to in order to make it through. This is 100% not your fault and really has nothing to do with you at all. He was not a decent enough human to do the right thing and that is his failing, not yours. It doesn't matter how old you were when you got married, men can be asses at any age.

I'm sorry if it is not what you want, but you will eventually get through this and come out on the other side. Take good care of yourself and good luck in whatever you decide.

[ralphlauren]

Many hugs. You are not and did not fail.

[awick14]

Tons of hugs hun.

If/when you walk away from this just know that it's not because you failed its because he did.

[karmasabiotch]

Many hugs....

You are a survivor. Never forget that.

[mrsukyankee]

Huge hugs. I would second (or third or whatever) the therapist thing when you can afford it and have the time. There will be a lot to work through and it's important.

[WOT?*]

What mp said, except I was 19 (and a half! Those extra few months count, y'all. I was a grown up, almost twenty.) I just wanted to add another "You are not a failure!" (and don't let that fear be the reason you stay) to the chorus.

I stayed in my failing marriage for many years longer than I should have, for a number of reasons but a huge part it was because I was afraid of being alone and not being able to make it on my own (yes, he did need a nurse but still, a part of me was there because it was easier to live with what I knew, no matter how bad or how miserable I was), so believe me when I say I know how you feel in that regard. I did eventually leave, and have been in a marvelous relationship for twenty years now. Whether you leave or stay, in the end you will be a different and stronger person because of the choices and actions you are already making.

And it's his loss. Always remember that. Whether you leave or stay, he lost a part of you, the best part, when he was unfaithful and disloyal. He'll never get that back, which makes him the big loser in all this.

(((TrickyBob)))

[venice2007]

Big hugs to you!

[cinnamoncox]

TrickyBob I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. You ought to be loved and cared for and treated with respect.
Please do not think you've failed. You didn't do anything to bring this on, not your fault.
Please take care. I can't imagine how you're feeling. ((Hugs))

[katfco]

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way. I think it's admirable that you're taking time to figure out what you want, but, like everyone said, you have not failed. I think the more apt sentence would be, "Oh, your husband was a cheating jerkface? No wonder you dumped him!"

I know you probably don't want to think about this, but it might be a good idea to pay careful attention to your finances to make sure he doesn't start hiding assets.

[nomad100]

You are not a failure. And you didn't deserve this. ((hugs)) Do what you need to do and take what time you need.

[CurlyQ284]

((Hugs))