This is absolutely how I feel. People will always say "Oh you will meet someone!" But really I may not and that's okay. Would I like to? Absolutely. But I think it's important to recognize that it doesn't happen for everyone. Also I think I was spending WAY too much of my time and energy on dating with the goal of finding someone to share life experiences with, and in turn missing out on a lot of life experiences.
Maybe I'm naive, but I do want to believe that there is someone for everyone. That said, I absolutely believe that you have to be happy with yourself and your life while single before you have anything to offer in a relationship. I also think it's much better to be single than with the wrong person.
I can be happy single and live a full life, but will admit that I think I could live an even happier life if I eventually find someone to grow old with.
DirtySouth yea I can see that. But the fact is not everyone finds someone to grow old with you know? And I do wonder if part of the problem is that some people (myself included) just can't get out of their own way.
I think the author is correct, I just think that is an uncomfortable thought that many people do not want to grasp. I recently told a friend that I would be okay if I spent my life alone and she was legit horrified at that thought.
DirtySouth yea I can see that. But the fact is not everyone finds someone to grow old with you know? And I do wonder if part of the problem is that some people (myself included) just can't get out of their own way.
True, and I also think that a lot of married people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that a huge percentage that stay together really aren't happy. I guess the reality is that no matter what your situation, your happiness has to come from within and not from someone else. And I do stay hopeful that if I make better decisions and put some effort into it, that I will find a fulfilling long term relationship. But I do think you are right that there is never a guarantee, and you can't pass by a lot of potential happiness and good experiences by being distracted by pining for what you don't have. Maybe the best perspective is that it's okay to be hopeful and acknowledge that life would be enhanced with a great relationship, but you still have to focus on having a really great life in the meantime and also if it never happens.
I guess it's just like anything else. I'm sure I'd enjoy life a little more if I were thinner and had more money, too, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to live a really great, happy life as my chubby broke (and single) self lol.
This has kind of been my goal the past couple months... Trying to do things and live life, even of it means going by myself. I'd like to think I'll find someone, but more importantly, I want to be okay with the fact that I may not.
I have a couple girlfriends that are single, and have been for 90% of the time I've known them (one I've known for 15 years, the other 20+ Years) I admire them both a lot. They travel solo, aren't afraid to do anything on their own, and are definitely living their lives to the fullest. That's what I'm striving for...
I think the author is correct, I just think that is an uncomfortable thought that many people do not want to grasp. I recently told a friend that I would be okay if I spent my life alone and she was legit horrified at that thought.
I think this hits it on the head. I think it's also uncomfortable to admit that not everyone finds that person for them and I personally believe there is very little you can do about it.
DirtySouth yea I can see that. But the fact is not everyone finds someone to grow old with you know? And I do wonder if part of the problem is that some people (myself included) just can't get out of their own way.
True, and I also think that a lot of married people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that a huge percentage that stay together really aren't happy. I guess the reality is that no matter what your situation, your happiness has to come from within and not from someone else. And I do stay hopeful that if I make better decisions and put some effort into it, that I will find a fulfilling long term relationship. But I do think you are right that there is never a guarantee, and you can't pass by a lot of potential happiness and good experiences by being distracted by pining for what you don't have. Maybe the best perspective is that it's okay to be hopeful and acknowledge that life would be enhanced with a great relationship, but you still have to focus on having a really great life in the meantime and also if it never happens.
I guess it's just like anything else. I'm sure I'd enjoy life a little more if I were thinner and had more money, too, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to live a really great, happy life as my chubby broke (and single) self lol.
Totally! There are always things in life you think will make you "happier" but in reality you have to just have love your life for what it is and do what you can with what you have to be happy and fullfilled.
The travel thing is big for me. I want a partner to travel with and can't imagine going by myself on big trips that I want to take, like Europe. I'm okay with alone time, but it would be nice to at least have some company for dinner as I'm quite social and would get pretty lonely without some socialization. I've started looking into trips for singles, and actually think it would be a lot of fun and I'd be just as happy going on a trip and meeting some new people who are also traveling solo as I would with a partner. Well, except for the lack of vacation sex part.
If I haven't found someone in five to ten years, I will probably have to find something "big" to throw myself into. Like adopting a bunch of foster kids or becoming ridiculously involved in a non-profit that I'm passionate about. And that certainly wouldn't be such a bad life.
DirtySouth I'm the same way about travel too. I just like experiencing it with other people. I do a lot of travel with my friends and it's been really great. Is that an option for you?
DirtySouth I'm the same way about travel too. I just like experiencing it with other people. I do a lot of travel with my friends and it's been really great. Is that an option for you?
All of my friends are married, so big trips are reserved for their spouses. However, I do go on small long weekend type trips with friends. My best friend and I did NYC in January and we are going to Miami in the fall. These trips are so much fun, but eventually I want to see more of the world and go on longer trips further away.
DirtySouth I'm the same way about travel too. I just like experiencing it with other people. I do a lot of travel with my friends and it's been really great. Is that an option for you?
All of my friends are married, so big trips are reserved for their spouses. However, I do go on small long weekend type trips with friends. My best friend and I did NYC in January and we are going to Miami in the fall. These trips are so much fun, but eventually I want to see more of the world and go on longer trips further away.
Yea I totally feel ya. I'm fortunate to have a few single girlfriends. But I'd totally do one of those tours I think if I didn't.
I did my Antarctica trip solo, and it was a blast! I had a few days to myself in Argentina before and after which was okay. I enjoyed them but I wouldn't have liked it for a long time. But then on the ship, I met a bunch of people (lots of singles and a few couples). Solo travel is one time that I think a group tour has huge advantages.
Honestly, I think most people who end up alone either a) have unreachable standards b) are difficult to get along with or c) just like being alone. I think most people who are normal and put themselves out there and WANT TO will find someone eventually. It may not be easy, and it may not happen immediately, but I do believe there is someone (or several someones) out there for anyone who wants to be with someone.
I guess I have my doubts about there being a person who wants to spend the next 60 years with me (I hope my BF does, but we'll see), but I am less doubtful about the idea that if one person doesn't want to, I'll break up with that person and eventually find another person. Rinse and repeat, maybe. There is a nice romantic notion of having someone who is a perfect fit who will stand by me through anything, but even if that doesn't happen I don't think I'll be single forever.
I have mixed feelings about solo travel. I had the BEST time traveling alone last year in Europe, but I met a ton of people and hung out with them. I think there are certain trips I wouldn't want to do on my own because they aren't really designed to meet people (staying at a resort in Mexico is one example). I love, love, love sightseeing on my own though. I think my biggest hangup about being single is not having anyone to drag to work functions or weddings or family parties. I like having an ally and someone to laugh about things afterwards. But that someone could easily be a best friend or a shorter term romance. I don't want to be single because that would mean losing my BF, who is my favorite person ever and that would suck. But, I also know I'd be ok and really could be single forever without having a shitty life. I think people enhance your happiness but aren't integral to it.
If anything, I'm afraid of being happy enough alone to stop putting myself out there (well, I guess I would have to start putting myself out there first, lol).
I agree with @buckybells, most people will not end up alone if they want a companion and actively seek one. I think if you're out in the world doing things you enjoy, you're bound to meet someone you like at some point.
Post by onedayatatime on Jul 9, 2014 18:04:39 GMT -5
I will admit that I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I can't say it scares me but it does make me sad.
On the subject of travel - I too have a shortage of single friends to travel with on big trips and would love to brave a big trip solo. I am thinking a tour group - any good suggestions?
GilliC what cruise did you take ?- Antarctica and Argentina have been on my bucket list for years.
If anything, I'm afraid of being happy enough alone to stop putting myself out there (well, I guess I would have to start putting myself out there first, lol).
I agree with @buckybells, most people will not end up alone if they want a companion and actively seek one. I think if you're out in the world doing things you enjoy, you're bound to meet someone you like at some point.
I agree with the bolded to a point. I mean sure there are people in my past I could end up settling down with just to not end up alone. They are fine people, but I know I'd be happier alone than with them. I've met plenty of people I like, but the timing has to be right and they have to like you back.
Having been single for four years it's time for me to just accept the fact that it may not happen. I know several people who have been seeking a partner who are totally normal, great people but just can't seem to find the right fit. I will fully admit though that I am super duper picky. Not in a he has to be this tall or make this much money sort of way. But it is very very rare I get any sort of butterflies for anyone. So because I haven't been the there's always another man around the corner type, I've accept that there just may not be and that's okay.
I'm an only child, was raised by a single parent who was often working and I've never planned on having children, so the idea of being alone (and the act of being alone) is something that is comforting for me, personally. While I am comfortable with solitude, I do still find inspiration from others (friends, partners, etc.) in a variety of ways, so I'm not a hermit or an extreme introvert. I like to think it's a good balance!
I do agree with one part of the article where he asks if you are happy and in love with your life (despite being single or in a relationship). I think it is incredibly valuable to feel that way about yourself. I'm not madly in love with my life every single day, but ultimately, I'm happy to my core, even on my worst day. I would give that true feeling of content to everyone if I could. It took a long time to get there and one of the many reasons my marriage ended was because I simply wasn't.
@buckybells said pretty much everything I'd contribute.
I did have some sad "alone" thoughts the other night, but kind of more related to kids. I'm still in the "I don't know" camp regarding kids, P has two teenage kids but said if we get married and I change my mind into a "I definitely want a child" he'd have a child with me. But then I was thinking (bear with me this may be the wine talking) what if we get married, I decide I don't want a baby, and he dies way before me and then I'm left without a spouse and with no children...even if I had an awesome relationship w/ his kids I'd only be a step-parent...I started to panic that to lose him would be to lose the little family too.
I didn't read the article yet but you and I have talked about it at length. I don't love the idea of ending up single forever but I also know I won't settle.
I know that in the five years I've been single I've only felt that all consuming feeling that I want to one time. If I don't get that emotional and physical connection again I won't settle for anything less.
I'll travel with you! We could have some amazing adventures
I didn't read the article yet but you and I have talked about it at length. I don't love the idea of ending up single forever but I also know I won't settle.
I know that in the five years I've been single I've only felt that all consuming feeling that I want to one time. If I don't get that emotional and physical connection again I won't settle for anything less.
I'll travel with you! We could have some amazing adventures
I will admit that I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I can't say it scares me but it does make me sad.
On the subject of travel - I too have a shortage of single friends to travel with on big trips and would love to brave a big trip solo. I am thinking a tour group - any good suggestions?
GilliC what cruise did you take ?- Antarctica and Argentina have been on my bucket list for years.
I went with GAdventures. They don't charge extra for solo travelers if you're willing to share a room with another solo traveler, so I ended up in a room with a very cool marine biologist from Australia.
@buckybells said pretty much everything I'd contribute.
I did have some sad "alone" thoughts the other night, but kind of more related to kids. I'm still in the "I don't know" camp regarding kids, P has two teenage kids but said if we get married and I change my mind into a "I definitely want a child" he'd have a child with me. But then I was thinking (bear with me this may be the wine talking) what if we get married, I decide I don't want a baby, and he dies way before me and then I'm left without a spouse and with no children...even if I had an awesome relationship w/ his kids I'd only be a step-parent...I started to panic that to lose him would be to lose the little family too.
It's not as bad as you think. I'm still in touch with my stepdaughters two years later. It's so special to me that they still want me in their lives.
I will admit that I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I can't say it scares me but it does make me sad.
On the subject of travel - I too have a shortage of single friends to travel with on big trips and would love to brave a big trip solo. I am thinking a tour group - any good suggestions?
GilliC what cruise did you take ?- Antarctica and Argentina have been on my bucket list for years.
I went with GAdventures. They don't charge extra for solo travelers if you're willing to share a room with another solo traveler, so I ended up in a room with a very cool marine biologist from Australia.
Post by Wanderista on Jul 10, 2014 13:33:36 GMT -5
I agree with a lot of what has already been said. I think also that there is a tendency in society to pressure people to conform and to want to categorize them according to perceived societal norms. In truth, I think there are a lot of different ways to be happy. The combination of increased standards of living, demographics and social/technological changes is such that people should be free to forge the path that works for them. I do think that society should be a lot more accepting of people who choose to be single or who find themselves to be single for various reasons.
It is very true that there are many people who stay miserable in marriages, so just being paired off is not automatically better than being single at all. Truthfully, there are some people who will be miserable regardless of their relationship statuses for various reasons (my ex being one of those). People are just incredibly varied and diverse.
As for meeting a long-term partner, yes, there is certainly an element of luck and randomness but I do think that for those who seek a partner it is good to keep putting oneself out there in some way that works for that person. I think that this is an incredibly personal subject and there isn't a one size fits all answer. I guess that one point that sticks out for me is that none of us can control when or how we will die. I know people who were married to the loves of their lives and long outlived that person thereby spending their twilight years mostly living in memories. I guess we all just need to take life as it comes and to try to make the best of it.