There's a brewing family feud in my family and it's passively aggressively being played out on Facebook.
My dad's two sisters were BFF for lyfe. (If you go into your way back machine you may recall these are the aunts that arranged for my elderly grandparents to pay to send everyone in the family on a Mexican cruise that conveniently left out some members of the family including me and and my sister because "why not" and their recently dead brother's male widow because of "the gay"? Yeah. Them.). They talked and saw each other every day, owned a beach house together (gift from the grandparents) that they visited together all the time, and generally just were the best of friends.
Anyway one of the sister's recently decided she could no longer handle how blue CA was and upped her family all of a sudden to the most red place she could find: Idaho. There was no other reason given. She and her husband both had good jobs here, the kids did well in a private school, and they lived in a nice house in a nice community. They just hated how "liberal" it is here. So CEP.
The problem is she was a NP and handled all of my ailing grandparents medical and health needs including tracking their medications (which are two pages long!) and just being on top of things for them. Since she's been gone my grandparent's health has deteriorated dramatically and they are very very depressed. We were up there last weekend to visit and they didn't even want to see us because they said they were too sad (). Things are truly falling apart for them and this may be the end. The remaining siblings are scrambling to pick up the pieces and try to come with a medical plan for them (a home? A live in nurse?) and trying to get up to speed with their medications.
My aunt Idaho has spent the time she has been gone posting gloriously happy FB updates that all involve some iteration of how much more awesome Idaho is than California (from the housing prices, to the airport, to their giant fireworks, and their DMV, all better in Idaho!!).
My aunt California had been posting similar digs on her feed but about how awesome Ca is.
Everyone seems to be mad at aunt Idaho for just leaving her sick parents which was truly cruel as she took responsibility for their health and then left them with no plan or a passing of the torch.
No one is telling her that though. Just the passive aggressive Idaho vs California FB digs.
Sounds like she just didn't want to deal with the grandparents anymore. Had she been asking around for help? Such as asking her sister?
Sometimes it looks like you're taking responsibility for things, but that's only because no one else wants to do it.
Nope. She was in charge because she was a nurse practitioner and she knew what she was doing and could help them in a way the other sibs could not. That said I understand feeling fatigued and needing help. But all she did was just up and leave. It was probably a month or two between announcing her plan to leave and her getting a new job and house and leaving. And she's lived in this part of her state her entire life. So it's just weird timing.
Sounds like she just didn't want to deal with the grandparents anymore. Had she been asking around for help? Such as asking her sister?
Sometimes it looks like you're taking responsibility for things, but that's only because no one else wants to do it.
Nope. She was in charge because she was a nurse practitioner and she knew what she was doing and could help them in a way the other sibs could not. That said I understand feeling fatigued and needing help. But all she did was just up and leave. It was probably a month or two between announcing her plan to leave and her getting a new job and house and leaving. And she's lived in this part of her state her entire life. So it's just weird timing.
But everyone had a month during that time to sit her down and take the spreadsheets and go through everything, correct? I highly doubt that all this time she never said a thing about taking care of ailing parents by herself. She might not have been direct about it, but I'm sure she said something. Especially to the other sister.
Her being the default because she's a NP is pretty shitty. Did anyone other than her step up for the job? Or was it just assumed that she would do it because of her job?
Heh, obviously I side with your Aunt. I'm the default for caring for my gpa just because I'm here. It's assumed that I'm going to take care of him. Location and vocation shouldn't be the only deciding factors on if someone is going to care for your aging parents. Some people just can't do it. Sounds like a family meeting needed to be done years ago.
Nope. She was in charge because she was a nurse practitioner and she knew what she was doing and could help them in a way the other sibs could not. That said I understand feeling fatigued and needing help. But all she did was just up and leave. It was probably a month or two between announcing her plan to leave and her getting a new job and house and leaving. And she's lived in this part of her state her entire life. So it's just weird timing.
But everyone had a month during that time to sit her down and take the spreadsheets and go through everything, correct? I highly doubt that all this time she never said a thing about taking care of ailing parents by herself. She might not have been direct about it, but I'm sure she said something. Especially to the other sister.
Her being the default because she's a NP is pretty shitty. Did anyone other than her step up for the job? Or was it just assumed that she would do it because of her job?
Heh, obviously I side with your Aunt. I'm the default for caring for my gpa just because I'm here. It's assumed that I'm going to take care of him. Location and vocation shouldn't be the only deciding factors on if someone is going to care for your aging parents. Some people just can't do it. Sounds like a family meeting needed to be done years ago.
All I really know is what I've been told by my dad as I don't live there. And all the back and forth digs in FB. I think her behavior was shitty. There were better ways to handle this than what happened.
I agree though that a family meetings should have been called several years ago when it was clear their health was getting worse.
Eta: and to defend the remaining sibs a little bit, they all play a role in their ailing parents' life. They all live in the community. They all contribute something whether that is grocery trips or house repair or companionship. It's just Idaho aunt, whether forced on her or something she wanted (as it is her professional background), was navigating the health part for them.
Post by downtoearth on Jul 10, 2014 12:13:55 GMT -5
My DH has forgotten how to talk to me respectfully during house rennovations and I'm pissed.
Background - tub that arrived was damaged and we couldn't get that new one for 3-5 more weeks.
Me: Hey, we should meet at lunch and pick out a new tub DH: WHAT?! I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY ORDERED ONE OF THOSE THAT WE LOOKED AT ON MONDAY NIGHT? Why didn't YOU order it yet? Me: Woah! Stop yelling at me - you didn't like the two options because of blah, blah, blah. Remember? DH: Well, I thought YOU would just pick one and get it on order, now it's going to be another week out! Me: You didn't ask me to do that and did not communicate that you wanted me to do that. DH: It was implied. Me: Obviously it wasn't. So don't yell and ask nicely if you want me to do something. I'm not a mind-reader or your damn secretary. Do you want me to order a tub today? DH: [In a sickly sweet, patronizing voice...] Hoooooney, would you pleeeeease do what I thought you were doing and get us a tub today. Me: No and you are a douchecanoe. I'm off to work DH: What?! I asked nicely. Me: [Flashing the stink-eye as I get into the car - wish it was this good]
Sounds like she just didn't want to deal with the grandparents anymore. Had she been asking around for help? Such as asking her sister?
Sometimes it looks like you're taking responsibility for things, but that's only because no one else wants to do it.
Nope. She was in charge because she was a nurse practitioner and she knew what she was doing and could help them in a way the other sibs could not. That said I understand feeling fatigued and needing help. But all she did was just up and leave. It was probably a month or two between announcing her plan to leave and her getting a new job and house and leaving. And she's lived in this part of her state her entire life. So it's just weird timing.
It does sound like she feels a sense of freedom from the obligations. Has she provided advice or help to the other aunt or your parents to help with the transition for your grandparents. It's totally crappy if she isn't even providing info and calling often.
Your poor grandparents didn't even want to see their grandkids? I'm sorry they aren't doing well.
ETA: Oh and the hard-core, republican ID people I have known really dislike Californians - even the strongly conservative ones.
Nope. She was in charge because she was a nurse practitioner and she knew what she was doing and could help them in a way the other sibs could not. That said I understand feeling fatigued and needing help. But all she did was just up and leave. It was probably a month or two between announcing her plan to leave and her getting a new job and house and leaving. And she's lived in this part of her state her entire life. So it's just weird timing.
It does sound like she feels a sense of freedom from the obligations. Has she provided advice or help to the other aunt or your parents to help with the transition for your grandparents. It's totally crappy if she isn't even providing info and calling often.
Your poor grandparents didn't even want to see their grandkids? I'm sorry they aren't doing well.
ETA: Oh and the hard-core, republican ID people I have known really dislike Californians - even the strongly conservative ones.
I don't know what role she is playing from Idaho.
Yes, they couldn't see us and their great granddaughter because they were too sad. I guess they felt up to company the following day but we were heading back home by that time.
Before she left they were dealing with kinda normal ish aging issues encountered by two 80+ year old diabetics. Since she left they have gone in a completely different direction of badness. My grandpa is on adderall for depression now. I've never known him to be depressed. He was always so strong and self assured. My dad cried when we were home about it. Cried! My dad! It was heartbreaking.
It does sound like she feels a sense of freedom from the obligations. Has she provided advice or help to the other aunt or your parents to help with the transition for your grandparents. It's totally crappy if she isn't even providing info and calling often.
Your poor grandparents didn't even want to see their grandkids? I'm sorry they aren't doing well.
ETA: Oh and the hard-core, republican ID people I have known really dislike Californians - even the strongly conservative ones.
I don't know what role she is playing from Idaho.
Yes, they couldn't see us and their great granddaughter because they were too sad. I guess they felt up to company the following day but we were heading back home by that time.
Before she left they were dealing with kinda normal ish aging issues encountered by two 80+ year old diabetics. Since she left they have gone in a completely different direction of badness. My grandpa is on adderall for depression now. I've never known him to be depressed. He was always so strong and self assured. My dad cried when we were home about it. Cried! My dad! It was heartbreaking.
I wonder if this was all things the aunt was dealing with before going AWOL. Meaning the other family members didn't know because they weren't the ones who were dealing with the grandparents before. It's completely feasible that your gpa was already depressed but wasn't medicated for it. Aunt might not have been doing such a stellar job as the rest of the family wanted to believe.
I think there's a healthy dose of drama llama (from everyone) and not dealing with the true issues that is going on here.
Yes, they couldn't see us and their great granddaughter because they were too sad. I guess they felt up to company the following day but we were heading back home by that time.
Before she left they were dealing with kinda normal ish aging issues encountered by two 80+ year old diabetics. Since she left they have gone in a completely different direction of badness. My grandpa is on adderall for depression now. I've never known him to be depressed. He was always so strong and self assured. My dad cried when we were home about it. Cried! My dad! It was heartbreaking.
I wonder if this was all things the aunt was dealing with before going AWOL. Meaning the other family members didn't know because they weren't the ones who were dealing with the grandparents before. It's completely feasible that your gpa was already depressed but wasn't medicated for it. Aunt might not have been doing such a stellar job as the rest of the family wanted to believe.
I think there's a healthy dose of drama llama (from everyone) and not dealing with the true issues that is going on here.
Maybe. That could be true. I also wonder if she was the one pushing all the meds as her medical MO seems very med focussed. But it's not just depression, there have been many other health issues since she left 3 months ago including falls. Their health is clearly collapsing and I think they need live in care or they need to go to a home. Fortunately they have the resources for either.
The other issue with her leaving is not just that she left her parents at a delicate time in life but she also left her siblings when they needed her too, not for medical things, but just normal sibling support things surrounding the emotions of ailing parents. They were all very close.
And she hasn't indicated to anyone that she left because she was stressed because of the health stuff. The only thing they have mentioned was the politics of Ca vs Id. as their reason.
Post by andrealynn on Jul 10, 2014 14:17:19 GMT -5
I donated blood today and the lady gave me bandage color that coordinates with my shirt. She also wrapped it in such as way as to not give me a massive elbow muffin top. I kind of want to call her boss and give her a compliment, but that's weird, right?
I donated blood today and the lady gave me bandage color that coordinates with my shirt. She also wrapped it in such as way as to not give me a massive elbow muffin top. I kind of want to call her boss and give her a compliment, but that's weird, right?
My DH has forgotten how to talk to me respectfully during house rennovations and I'm pissed.
Background - tub that arrived was damaged and we couldn't get that new one for 3-5 more weeks.
Me: Hey, we should meet at lunch and pick out a new tub DH: WHAT?! I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY ORDERED ONE OF THOSE THAT WE LOOKED AT ON MONDAY NIGHT? Why didn't YOU order it yet? Me: Woah! Stop yelling at me - you didn't like the two options because of blah, blah, blah. Remember? DH: Well, I thought YOU would just pick one and get it on order, now it's going to be another week out! Me: You didn't ask me to do that and did not communicate that you wanted me to do that. DH: It was implied. Me: Obviously it wasn't. So don't yell and ask nicely if you want me to do something. I'm not a mind-reader or your damn secretary. Do you want me to order a tub today? DH: [In a sickly sweet, patronizing voice...] Hoooooney, would you pleeeeease do what I thought you were doing and get us a tub today. Me: No and you are a douchecanoe. I'm off to work DH: What?! I asked nicely. Me: [Flashing the stink-eye as I get into the car - wish it was this good]
Omg. OMG.
My pulse increased just reading this. This is such a hot button issue for me. My FIL does this to my MIL all the time and it's one of those things I've told H I will not tolerate.
I donated blood today and the lady gave me bandage color that coordinates with my shirt. She also wrapped it in such as way as to not give me a massive elbow muffin top. I kind of want to call her boss and give her a compliment, but that's weird, right?
I just "facebooked" my grad school advisor, because you can do that now. You couldn't do that when I was 18 and started college. He looks like Brendan Frasier.
This is going to be a very interesting experience.
Is this the new term you kids are using these days?
Post by niemand88f on Jul 10, 2014 20:16:10 GMT -5
Me: DH, go get your Whoppers because Luna is trying to eat them (as a cat pushes his box of whoppers around the table trying to get them out) DH: That's weird, I let her lick one earlier but I didn't think she would like it. Me: Umm... what? ^o)