Remembering the Lo's not with us

[autumnfire]

My Dh and I were very blessed to have our DD after battling infertility for 4 years and going through 4 losses. We just bought our first home and I'd really like to do something special in remembrance of our 4 LO's who aren't with us.

I have a few question for you ladies:

1. We'll be planting 4 apple trees. But we're torn on if we should plant one for each child living and passed on. Or if we should keep it as a commemorative of their memory only? Me personally I wanted something just for them. A little place to sit and talk to them to bring DD under the trees and be enveloped in their safety and shade. I'm almost treating the trees as if they were they're gravestones since they were early losses we never buried them. Not that i'd want to go through that either. But having a place to go to 'see' them I think would be so nice. I'm perhaps way over thinking this but it's just a touchy topic for me all together.

2.What have you done/do you plan to do for your angels if you choose(n) to do something?

[countthestars]

I'm sorry for your losses. I think the 4 apple trees is a great way for you to remember them.

[rugbywife]

I like the idea of 4 trees for the 4 losses.

We haven't done much for our one loss. The only thing I have done was 'retired' the names we has considered for him/her. I just can't imagine using either if them now.

[cincodemayo]

My grandmother planted small bushes for the babies my aunts lost. I think that's a very sweet gesture.

[badtzmaru22]

I like that idea. We keep meaning to plant a tree or something like that for ours. I did buy a necklace from etsy with her birthstone, which I love.

[Deleted]

I like the idea of the apple trees for them. This is a very personal thing so do what feel right for you.

We bought an angel ornament during our trip to italy in remembrance of the baby we lost. I was pregnant with J during the trip. I love Christmas and have ornaments for all sorts of special occasions etc so this was very fitting for me.

I got pregnant with the twins exactly two years after I got pregnant with the baby we lost. I was charting/tracking my cycles and ovulated the same day in July 2 years later. So I often think of that baby and how odd/interesting/wonderful (I don't know, lots of feelings) it is that I got two babies this time.

[mellimel19]

I think the apple trees sound like a beautiful way of remembering them, and as you said, give you a place to go to visit them.

[sh10]

I'm sorry for your losses. I think the four trees is a very sweet way to remember those babies.

[zeewifeandmama]

That sounds like a really beautiful tribute! Very sorry for your losses.

[kdubs923]

Trees sound like a wonderful tribute. Your daughter will enjoy them as she gets older!

For myself, I got a ring with what would have been the birthstone for my first pregnancy. I also bought an angel ornament that Christmas. My BFF and I both experienced a loss within a few months of each other, so we both got the same ornament that Christmas for our little angels.

[autumnfire]

Thank you so much ladies for your input. I really appreciate your thoughts about our losses. We are blessed beyond words can express and we know Anastasia has 4 siblings looking out for her. Which is beyond comforting. I'm very sorry that we all seem to come together on this topic under such sad circumstances, but I truly appreciate not only your advice but sharing your own stories.

DH was really stuck on getting 5 trees but I think for me I want to make this one thing about them. I think he's worrying that we're not including Anastasia. And I understand that. But it just feels right to plant these tress more as a remembrance then as a 'how many children we 'have'. Any advice on how to help him understand that? I know I didn't articulate myself very well there so I'm finding it hard trying to find a way to put into words what I feel about this.

Very sorry for all of your losses ladies!

[lilac05]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I think the apple trees are a great idea. Just a thought, though: maybe you could do a whole area in your yard that serves that purpose. Flowers and/or landscaping and/or a bench, etc along with the trees. Then the whole area is for your sweet babies, and there is less of a tie for one tree = one baby. Two reasons, if you were to move, you could still take some of it with you. It would also be less devastating if you lost a tree after a rough winter or bad storm. There's a memorial tree planted at the school playground by our house that is in memory of a student who passed away. The tree is several years old, but it didn't make it through the winter. I can imagine that was difficult for the family, but the entire playground is also in her memory, as well as a sign and a brick sidewalk. My parents had the same thing happen to a tree they planted for a baby that my brother's family lost. It didn't make it through the winter, and was hard to lose something that was there to remember someone you lost.

[cricketwife]

Jul 15, 2014 13:49:44 GMT -5 autumnfire said:

Thank you so much ladies for your input. I really appreciate your thoughts about our losses. We are blessed beyond words can express and we know Anastasia has 4 siblings looking out for her. Which is beyond comforting. I'm very sorry that we all seem to come together on this topic under such sad circumstances, but I truly appreciate not only your advice but sharing your own stories.

DH was really stuck on getting 5 trees but I think for me I want to make this one thing about them. I think he's worrying that we're not including Anastasia. And I understand that. But it just feels right to plant these tress more as a remembrance then as a 'how many children we 'have'. Any advice on how to help him understand that? I know I didn't articulate myself very well there so I'm finding it hard trying to find a way to put into words what I feel about this.

Very sorry for all of your losses ladies!

I'm so sorry for your losses, and it's not something that I've experienced so perhaps my input won't strike a chord with you.  I'm wondering if maybe you could have a special bench for Anastasia that sits under the trees?  Or perhaps a different type of tree in a different place in the garden.  Maybe that would unite your desire for something for just them and your DH"s desire to do something to honor all of your children? 

[autumnfire]

Jul 15, 2014 13:55:57 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Jul 15, 2014 13:49:44 GMT -5 autumnfire said:

Thank you so much ladies for your input. I really appreciate your thoughts about our losses. We are blessed beyond words can express and we know Anastasia has 4 siblings looking out for her. Which is beyond comforting. I'm very sorry that we all seem to come together on this topic under such sad circumstances, but I truly appreciate not only your advice but sharing your own stories.

DH was really stuck on getting 5 trees but I think for me I want to make this one thing about them. I think he's worrying that we're not including Anastasia. And I understand that. But it just feels right to plant these tress more as a remembrance then as a 'how many children we 'have'. Any advice on how to help him understand that? I know I didn't articulate myself very well there so I'm finding it hard trying to find a way to put into words what I feel about this.

Very sorry for all of your losses ladies!

I'm so sorry for your losses, and it's not something that I've experienced so perhaps my input won't strike a chord with you.  I'm wondering if maybe you could have a special bench for Anastasia that sits under the trees?  Or perhaps a different type of tree in a different place in the garden.  Maybe that would unite your desire for something for just them and your DH"s desire to do something to honor all of your children? 

OMG this is a beautiful idea!! I truly love love love it. FIL is a very handy man and I'm sure he would love to put something together like this. Overall it would be a very personal and loving place for us all to be <3 Thank you thank you thank you!

[dulcemariamar]

I am so sorry for your losses.

I really like the idea of creating a special area in your backyard with a bench and trees.

Do the trees have to be apple trees? I had some in my backyard as a kid and we would have trouble with bees and bugs. The apples would never mature and would eventually rot. Perhaps, we weren't lucky but it was really nice having them.

[catsarecute]

I am so sorry for all that you have been through.

My friend suffered two loses in a short period of time. She ordered ornaments for each baby. I'm not sure if she will only bring them out at Christmas or keep them in a special place year around but I think it is a nice way to honor them.

I think the trees sound lovely and the picture you painted in my mind of you sitting under the trees with your daughter made me teary. Congrats on the birth of your daughter.

[autumnfire]

Jul 15, 2014 14:27:42 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

I agree with the poster about not tying each tree to one child.
Pretend my sister and I are Hannah and Susan.
My dad planted trees for us just because. He named one hannahsusan and the other susanhannah because he was worried one might die.

Very good advice. Thank you. I don't think we'll tye them to one child, but I think if one does die we may get another.

We could call it our circle of family remembrance. Now I'm just getting silly I realize but maybe naming the spot over the tress will put more emphasis on the area then on a single tree or the bench.

[autumnfire]

Jul 15, 2014 14:25:39 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I am so sorry for your losses.

I really like the idea of creating a special area in your backyard with a bench and trees.

Do the trees have to be apple trees? I had some in my backyard as a kid and we would have trouble with bees and bugs. The apples would never mature and would eventually rot. Perhaps, we weren't lucky but it was really nice having them.

I'll have to discuss this very valid point with my FIL. he's a bee keeper so may be able to tell me what to expect with the bees around our area. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

[autumnfire]

Jul 15, 2014 14:26:58 GMT -5 catsarecute said:

I am so sorry for all that you have been through.

My friend suffered two loses in a short period of time. She ordered ornaments for each baby. I'm not sure if she will only bring them out at Christmas or keep them in a special place year around but I think it is a nice way to honor them.

I think the trees sound lovely and the picture you painted in my mind of you sitting under the trees with your daughter made me teary. Congrats on the birth of your daughter.

Aww hugs!!! Thank so you so much for your kind words. My sympathies to your friend. It sounds like she did something very beautiful to remember her Lo's.

[missymoose]

I am sorry for your losses. I think this is a beautiful gesture and I wish you all peace.

[jeaniebueller]

We planted a tree in our yard for our DD who passed away as a newborn and also have Christmas ornaments for her and the other loss we had. I am sorry for your loss. It's not a fun club to be in.

[barefootcontessa]

as an aside: coping with loss gets easier with time. I had a late first tri loss over six years ago and while I still think about him from time to time it is not nearly as hard as it once was. I am honestly not sure if I would want to have a tree just for him.

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2014 6:36:52 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

as an aside: coping with loss gets easier with time. I had a late first tri loss over six years ago and while I still think about him from time to time it is not nearly as hard as it once was. I am honestly not sure if I would want to have a tree just for him.

You have a very lovely idea and a great plan. As much as loss sucks and is tragic, the one great thing about it is that you get to do you however you want. 

However, I do agree with this and with astrid. Not to be mean, but just to warn. My stillbirth will be 5 years ago in October. I still love her, I still think about her, but for my sanity and sake of moving on I try not to dwell on it and instead focus on the positives. As hard as life was after that, H and I grew, I have an angel watching my over 2 great kids I have now. I guess I carry on her memory by living the best life I can. 

Remembrance items are really upsetting to me. I'm getting better about it, but to this day, I still don't want to look at them, think about them or have too many of them in my house. I just dwell and it's sad. (And note: I normally do not have a personality like this at all). I have a bush out front (someone gave me so I planted it) and I look at it a lot and think "Hmm..thanks for that reminder on this happy day." sometimes. 

Like I said, you do you and other people love to do these sorts of things and that's awesome. I just want you to think it through for down the line and how you may view it, especially on the not so good days.

[drloretta]

I think a commemorative is lovely. Or you could add a different kind of tree for your living child.

We didn't do anything for my 3 early losses. We've also moved twice since then

[simpsongal]

I'm sorry for your losses. I just came in to echo a couple suggestions about apple trees. Fruit-bearing trees take a little work and upkeep and don't necessarily have the longest lives. I would plant something a little sturdier and more permanent. If you are open to one tree, there's nothing more sturdy and long lasting than an oak tree.

[jeaniebueller]

I guess I have a different perspective out that I don't think rememberance items or trees need to feel sad. With our tree, it's in our front yard, I look at it every day and think fondly about my DD. I have photos of her and other items throughout the house that sometimes bring heartache, sometimes make me happy and other times are just there. It's a small way I incorporate her into our everyday life. I guess my point is that this is all very personal, grief is personal and you should handle this whichever way feels right to you.

[autumnfire]

Thank you all for your input!

Since I'm rather new here I guess I'll go a bit deeper. My need to remember isn't out of sadness but as a symbol of a child that was there that I'll meet in some afterlife. My losses I have come to terms with and time has been such a healing tool for me, even more so after having my daughter. I mean for me if there was any sadness it was when I looked at my daughter as a newborn as she's something very tangible, to put a face to our losses. She was representative of magnitude in which we lost. Mind you this was when she was first born that grief really took hold of me, partly maybe because of post postpartum hormones but also as a means for me to let go. But this isn't to hold onto the grief and I realize how contradictory that may sound to my previous let go statement. I truly can't explain it very well lol. I feel the need, like a gravitational pull to remember them in this way. I don't have photos, clothing, articles from the hosptial. I have a sonogram from one the rest passed way to soon. I personally feel after I lost them (2012) that I just need that item. Think of it as a gravestone to a family member or friend that you lost. If the trees don't make it I won't see it as some loss. I'll see it as trying again, just as we did for 4 years.

I think of this idea and my heart experiences such a full feeling, just feels right.

Thank you again everyone. I will definitely take everything into consideration and talk with some green thumbs around this area

[ijack]

Jul 17, 2014 14:34:19 GMT -5 autumnfire said:

I think of this idea and my heart experiences such a full feeling, just feels right.

I think this is what matters. I understand that it may not be what everyone else wants, but it's what you want and you should do it for you I think it's a very sweet idea.

[maebyfunke]

Jul 17, 2014 14:34:19 GMT -5 autumnfire said:

Thank you all for your input!

Since I'm rather new here I guess I'll go a bit deeper. My need to remember isn't out of sadness but as a symbol of a child that was there that I'll meet in some afterlife. My losses I have come to terms with and time has been such a healing tool for me, even more so after having my daughter. I mean for me if there was any sadness it was when I looked at my daughter as a newborn as she's something very tangible, to put a face to our losses. She was representative of magnitude in which we lost. Mind you this was when she was first born that grief really took hold of me, partly maybe because of post postpartum hormones but also as a means for me to let go. But this isn't to hold onto the grief and I realize how contradictory that may sound to my previous let go statement. I truly can't explain it very well lol. I feel the need, like a gravitational pull to remember them in this way. I don't have photos, clothing, articles from the hosptial. I have a sonogram from one the rest passed way to soon. I personally feel after I lost them (2012) that I just need that item. Think of it as a gravestone to a family member or friend that you lost. If the trees don't make it I won't see it as some loss. I'll see it as trying again, just as we did for 4 years.

I think of this idea and my heart experiences such a full feeling, just feels right.

Thank you again everyone. I will definitely take everything into consideration and talk with some green thumbs around this area

You make perfect sense, and I'm sorry for your losses. Having one loss myself, I understand your need to have something tangible, something more than just the memories of pregnancies which ended too soon.

Your idea sounds like a beautiful way for you and your family to remember/connect with your children.

[amaristella]

I find that I go through phases. Sometimes I want a visual reminder and other times not. So for me it works to have something that I can choose to see or not see on a regular basis. In a way it helps that DH is in the military and we have no permanent home. Not even a particular city that we know for sure we'd move back to at the end of his service. So anything that I keep has to be easy to transport. That being said, we had L cremated so his ashes are in a baby urn in a container with other things related to him and that container moves with us. Sometimes I put it in a visible place and other times not. We never made an absolute decision what to do with his ashes, but they will probably follow me one day when I pass away.

My only concern about the trees would be if one didn't take, would it cause a lot of negative feelings? Or would it be easy to replace it without feeling too badly?