How to break up with a friend

[Deleted]

This is so awkward!

I've made several mom friends since we moved here, and honestly I don't have enough spare time for all of them. I'd like to stop hanging out with this one friend, let's call her Mary. How do I "break up" with her? Our schedules just don't align, neither do our families. I SAH so I want to do stuff on weekdays and reserve weekends for family time. She works, so she wants to do stuff on the weekends only. But our weekends are precious! Plus her family has too much drama. Her husband is an alcoholic and she's a classic enabler, so they fight, she calls me crying, they make up, rinse and repeat. I'm tired of it. Too much drama for me!

She's called and texted me this week, I feel bad just ignoring her but I don't know what to say. How do I say "I only have time for so many friends, and you're too much drama?"

[MadamePresident]

I would just keep being busy and minimally responding to her. I don't think you need to necessarily break up, but you could let the friendship fade.

[ilikedonuts]

I would just drop the ball and be "too busy" to do anything or talk.

[carolinagirl831]

I think with minimal responses and turning her down she'll get it. You don't have to officially break up with her

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 21, 2014 8:47:07 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

I would just keep being busy and minimally responding to her. I don't think you need to necessarily break up, but you could let the friendship fade.

I agree.

[Deleted]

Ghost that bitch. Minimal contact. Never ask questions or inquire. Fade out.

[pugz]

^^ WSS

[hocus2]

I would let things fade away. Tell her you can't go out this week. If the friendship doesn't do anything for you know you don't have to maintain it.

I see no reason to "break up" with her.

[leonard131]

The older I get the more I realize that I don't have time nor do I want to spend time with people that I just don't enjoy or have a good time with so I don't feel guilty anymore "breaking up with them". I just stop responding to invites or just keep declining. Finally they realize.

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 21, 2014 9:56:20 GMT -5 @starry said:

I agree with previously stated advice. I would like to think being a dual income family doesn't make our weekends less "precious."

I agree with this too. We love our family time but we still have play dates on the weekends, often the husbands are included. Just recently we went to the zoo with another MMMer & her family We go to the park with our neighbors quite often. But the key is that all parties involved have a good time. If her H is an alcoholic then that's probably not enjoyable for you to be around him. 

But I do get what you're saying @supergreen, you have more free time during the weekdays so you would like most play dates to occur in that time frame. I'm the opposite since I'm working, I need play dates that are in the evenings or on weekends. She sounds like a drama llama, that would make me distance myself more than her schedule. 

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 10:03:23 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Jul 21, 2014 9:25:06 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Ghost that bitch. Minimal contact. Never ask questions or inquire. Fade out.

Teach me how to do this when the bitch has been friends with you since Kindergarten, lives 3 blocks away, & has many mutual friends.

I DON'T WANNA HANG OUT WITH HERRRRR. 

Lol, that's a pretty tough situation to pull a swayze. Do your mutual friends like her? I'd just try to keep it to group events and totally half ass to anything one on one. 

[barefootcontessa]

I do not know. I would at least be honest with her before I started ignoring her. Have you encouraged her to go to a support group? or therapy? she may not be aware of how she is contributing to her problems. are there children involved in all of this? that would make even more hard for me to just walk away.

[Deleted]

I am totally stumped on this one. Most people would take the ghost approach.

But that isn't all that clear anymore--A lot of people anymore just don't respond to things. I have friends that I think are ghosting me and then they invite me to do things again and act super happy to see me. It's weird.

I feel like there is no way to not be friends with someone without hurting their feelings.

Maybe you can send a note the next time she invites you to a weekend thing that says "that's kind of you to think of me, but moving forward my schedule won't allow any additional weekend obligations. Take care." It's more clear and less frustrating then ghosting.

The quietly de-friend on Facebook a couple of weeks later.

[t]

I would probably ignore her for a while. I imagine she will get the picture. I am not confrontational, though.

[Deleted]

@starry and @this, that's not what I meant, I know you both know that. You're just looking to pick a fight What I meant was our weekends are too precious to spend with someone we don't like.

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 10:06:25 GMT -5 @starry said:

Jul 21, 2014 10:02:35 GMT -5 @this said:

This rubbed me the wrong way too. So working moms should just not have any friends since weekdays are out and weekends are for families only? 10-4.

Working or stay at home I have no desire to make time on weekends for people I don't like.

Exactly. That's what I meant.

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 10:39:28 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I do not know. I would at least be honest with her before I started ignoring her. Have you encouraged her to go to a support group? or therapy? she may not be aware of how she is contributing to her problems. are there children involved in all of this? that would make even more hard for me to just walk away.

She's very much of the attitude "I take care of myself, what he does doesn't affect me or my DD, we are fine" blah blah. Cue calling me crying when her DH lies about his drinking and she finds bottles hidden in the house or whatever the drama du jour is. I have suggest Al Anon (I think that's what it's called?) and she says "his drinking isn't that bad." I don't think there is anything I can do to help her.

[minzy]

Another vote for the slow fade.  Just keeping saying you have plans.  The new pregnancy, buying a house, etc., will legitimately keep you pretty busy for the next little bit and give you lots of reasons to decline.  Next thing you know, it's Christmas and other things have moved in to fill everyone's time.

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 12:51:14 GMT -5 minzy said:

Another vote for the slow fade.  Just keeping saying you have plans.  The new pregnancy, buying a house, etc., will legitimately keep you pretty busy for the next little bit and give you lots of reasons to decline.  Next thing you know, it's Christmas and other things have moved in to fill everyone's time.

Eeep I've been avoiding her and haven't told her about the house or pregnancy! I'm not on FB but DH is, and he's going to tell all his FB friends about both big things soon, which includes my friend. She's going to be pissed if she finds out that way. But if I text her all "sorry I've been so busy, new house and baby!" That will spur on a bunch of follow-up questions, prolonging contact with her. Le sigh.

[glitzy07]

@supergreen Could your H quietly unfriend her? And/or exclude her from seeing the post when he share them on FB? You can curate who can see each post on FB now, so he could set it to all friends except her? Or are there mutual friends that would cause this to be a bigger problem?

[Deleted]

glitzy07 I have no idea how FB works, will she know DH unfriended her? I don't want to have to ask him to hide posts from her, that would be a PITA to keep up with, since he'll be talking about the new house and baby a lot after he reveals the news to his whole FB circle.

[cjeanette]

Having been someone who was ghosted out recently by people I thought were good friends I may be sensitive to the subject.

Would it be productive to just call her and tell her the truth? Clearly her marriage is creating a strain on other things in her life. Maybe a bit of a wake-up call to know that people are wanting to avoid her and her drama?

[glitzy07]

Jul 21, 2014 13:37:24 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

glitzy07 I have no idea how FB works, will she know DH unfriended her? I don't want to have to ask him to hide posts from her, that would be a PITA to keep up with, since he'll be talking about the new house and baby a lot after he reveals the news to his whole FB circle.

She wouldn't get a notification that she was unfriended or anything, and would really only find out if she tried to go view his profile for some reason and saw that she couldn't view his information.  At least that's how it was when I was unfriended by my good friend's ex-husband.

I'm not sure if it's the right answer, though.  I'm pretty non-confrontational and would definitely find it easier to just sort of let the friendship slip away like others are suggesting. 

[barefootcontessa]

Jul 21, 2014 13:48:01 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Having been someone who was ghosted out recently by people I thought were good friends I may be sensitive to the subject.

Would it be productive to just call her and tell her the truth? Clearly her marriage is creating a strain on other things in her life. Maybe a bit of a wake-up call to know that people are wanting to avoid her and her drama?

I agree with this.  It seems cold-hearted to just ignore her.  From what you have said, it will probably make her feel bad and she still will have no idea why she is unpleasant to be around and nothing will improve for her or her child.  She very well may blow you off but at least she will know why you are avoiding her and you can know that you were honest and upfront with her.    

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 13:18:36 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Jul 21, 2014 12:51:14 GMT -5 minzy said:

Another vote for the slow fade.  Just keeping saying you have plans.  The new pregnancy, buying a house, etc., will legitimately keep you pretty busy for the next little bit and give you lots of reasons to decline.  Next thing you know, it's Christmas and other things have moved in to fill everyone's time.

Eeep I've been avoiding her and haven't told her about the house or pregnancy! I'm not on FB but DH is, and he's going to tell all his FB friends about both big things soon, which includes my friend. She's going to be pissed if she finds out that way. But if I text her all "sorry I've been so busy, new house and baby!" That will spur on a bunch of follow-up questions, prolonging contact with her. Le sigh.

Your DH will need to de friend her I think if you really want to break off contact.

I'm not a believer though in having FB friends I don't like.

[cilantro]

He's really going to announce your pregnancy on facebook soon?

[miniroller]

Jul 21, 2014 14:35:42 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

Jul 21, 2014 13:48:01 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Having been someone who was ghosted out recently by people I thought were good friends I may be sensitive to the subject.

Would it be productive to just call her and tell her the truth? Clearly her marriage is creating a strain on other things in her life. Maybe a bit of a wake-up call to know that people are wanting to avoid her and her drama?

I agree with this.  It seems cold-hearted to just ignore her.  From what you have said, it will probably make her feel bad and she still will have no idea why she is unpleasant to be around and nothing will improve for her or her child.  She very well may blow you off but at least she will know why you are avoiding her and you can know that you were honest and upfront with her.    

Just to add on to this point: I agree you might want to clue her in a bit. BUT do so knowing that there's a big possibility she'll want to cut all ties & 'end' the friendship. I speak from personal experience, & wanted to give you a ray of hope that it took about three years of no communication between my friend & I. Today, we're back to great friends status, & found that the love we shared is still just as/ if not more strong. Sometimes things get in the way/ too complicated, & friendships need a break. Good for you for deciding to cut out unproductive negativity from your life!

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 15:22:43 GMT -5 cilantro said:

He's really going to announce your pregnancy on facebook soon?

Too soon? All our IRL friends & family know, he's having a hard timing censoring the new house & baby from his FB posts. He's excited!