Siblings and sharing

[buffysummers]

I have 2 kids who are 19ish months apart, DD is 26 months and DS is 6 months. DS just started crawling over the weekend, and is very interested in whatever DD is playing with. DD gets upset and doesn't want to share her toys, typical 2 year old behavior. Also, if DS starts playing with something that is hers, she gets upset and wants it back.

I'm not really sure the best way to handle these issues. Because they're so close in age, they play with the same toys. Are all of their toys now common? Does she have big girl toys, then others are shared? Also, what happens when he wants to play with something she's playing with too? Should she always have to share? Example - she has mega blocks, he likes to bang them together and chew on them haha. I'm so out of my element with this! I want to be fair to her but i also want to make sure she learns to share and play well with her brother.

[minzy]

I'm curious to hear other responses, as sharing is a big issue for us too.  On the one hand, I want my kid to have her wishes respected (which often is that she does NOT want to share), but on the other, I want her to share.  If she is playing and takes something from someone else, I will ask her to give it back, but if someone takes from her, I usually make her deal with it.  I'm totally inconsistent.

One thing that sort of works if two kids want the same toy is to offer another toy in exchange to "switch."  Otherwise, I've got nothing. 

[betsyray]

Mine are 16 months apart (one and two now). I have this issue daily! It's miserable; my sympathies are with you.

Right now, I tell Max (older) to pick one toy to play with and I will keep his younger brother from it. Then when said younger brother plays with something else and Max throws a fit, I tell Max he has his special toy and he has to share the others. We use time outs when he steals toys from his brother or pushes him over.

They each have one or two toys that are always theirs. Loveys, Max's baby doll and Theo's remote (he's obsessed).

[holly116]

I'll try and expand on this later but for now, here's what I have to say.

I have three kids, first two are 18 months apart, baby is 19 months younger than #2. The older two play pretty well together at this point but there is definitely some fighting over stuff. Basically, at almost 4 and 2 1/2, who ever has it first gets to play with it but the other one gets a turn. We also have a lot of trading. That worked really well when the youngest was under a year and didn't really have a strong preference on what toy they had, they just wanted a toy. I'd have the older one find something to trade, but the younger one had to agree, or else wait your turn. Now that DS1 has wised up that doesn't always work but DD uses her creativity to try and make a good deal lol.

Some exceptions, new toys. If it's a new toy, the owner gets more dibs. They still have to share eventually. Also, age appropriate stuff. If the baby is playing with a baby toy, the four year old can't take it just because is used to be theirs. DD's Barbie dolls are kind of off limits to the boys. Her dollhouse is in her room (only thing outside of books in there) and I let her keep that for herself. Usually she plays in there during nap/quiet time. Other than that, there are certainly toys that are DD's and DS1's but anyone can play with anything.

We have an insane amount of toys. If they can't agree to be kind and share a particular toy, no one gets it and I put it up high for the day.

[Marmee]

All toys are everyone's here as little ones. They were not allowed to take toy out of someone's hand but most anything else that isn't being actively played with is fair game. I teach them to treat the baby nicely...as in if the baby has something they want then gently see if they'll exchange a toy with you. Like if DD2 wanted a train DD3 had, I'd say "find her another one & see if she'll give you the one you want." My kids as babies didn't really care about specific toys & happily exchanged 95% of the time. I always built it up like they were the example & not competition. My girls are 1, 5, 7 & 9 & still play awesome together 99% of the time.

[Marmee]

Ha...basically ditto Holly! I also take away any toy that proves to be a problem. They quickly learn to compromise...this is for older than 6mo of course.

[bunch]

Mine are 22 mos apart. When dd2 started crawling at 7 mos it was a terrible time in our house. Dd1 was very upset about her toys being taken and lashed out both at home and school and became physically aggressive. Anyway, when I hear dd1 getting upset about dd2 getting into her things, I remind her to take the toys to the kitchen counter so that she can play in peace. If I see dd1 take something that dd2 is using, I make her give it back ASAP. I think more often than not, dd2's stuff just gets taken, so she's learned to grab and run. Now at 35 and 13 mos, they've mostly figured it out and there are very few squabbles.

[ilikedonuts]

We tried the whole "if you want to play with something the baby has, you need to see if she wants something else first" then DD1 traded a red crayon for a toy and I looked over and thought DD2 had thrown up blood all over herself and the floor. Needless to say, that was a bad suggestion in our house and now DD1 knows that she needs to let her sister play with the baby toys.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I don't know if my plan would work for you since my first is older (about to turn 5), but here's what I've been doing.

When DD2 first started crawling and getting into stuff, our rule was anything on the floor is fair game for the baby to play with. So if DD1 wanted to play with blocks or something and didn't want her sister to knock them down, then she had to either take them to her room to play or play with them at the kitchen table (where the baby can't reach). She also sometimes takes toys into our foyer to play because it's baby gated off since there are two steps down to it.

If she wants to play with Duplos or something on the floor, then I make her share some with the baby. I let her decide which ones to give her sister since the baby doesn't care which ones she has. We also do a fair amount of trading -- if DD2 has something DD1 wants, she can trade that toy for another one.

I also sometimes encourage DD1 to teach the baby things -- so if DD1 wants to play with the baby's shape sorter, but DD2 wants it also, I show DD1 how to teach the baby to use it properly. This technique works pretty well for us because DD1 is all about how she is the big sister and it's her job to teach her baby sister things.

[buffysummers]

I didn't think of trading toys, I'll try that tomorrow. DS gets pissed when I take something away he's playing with, but he gets over it quickly DD does have a lovey she's very attached to, and I won't make her share that. I will have to make a delineation between baby toys and older toys i think. Maybe she'll start playing with toys that are too old for DS soon so I can avoid the issue for awhile!

What if the situation is reversed though? If he crawls up to her and wants to play with something she's playing with? Right now if it's something that she can share (blocks) i make her share. If it's not i'll give him something else.

[buffysummers]

Jul 21, 2014 20:06:10 GMT -5 holly116 said:

I'll try and expand on this later but for now, here's what I have to say.

I have three kids, first two are 18 months apart, baby is 19 months younger than #2. The older two play pretty well together at this point but there is definitely some fighting over stuff. Basically, at almost 4 and 2 1/2, who ever has it first gets to play with it but the other one gets a turn. We also have a lot of trading. That worked really well when the youngest was under a year and didn't really have a strong preference on what toy they had, they just wanted a toy. I'd have the older one find something to trade, but the younger one had to agree, or else wait your turn. Now that DS1 has wised up that doesn't always work but DD uses her creativity to try and make a good deal lol.

Some exceptions, new toys. If it's a new toy, the owner gets more dibs. They still have to share eventually. Also, age appropriate stuff. If the baby is playing with a baby toy, the four year old can't take it just because is used to be theirs. DD's Barbie dolls are kind of off limits to the boys. Her dollhouse is in her room (only thing outside of books in there) and I let her keep that for herself. Usually she plays in there during nap/quiet time. Other than that, there are certainly toys that are DD's and DS1's but anyone can play with anything.

We have an insane amount of toys. If they can't agree to be kind and share a particular toy, no one gets it and I put it up high for the day.

I think this sounds like the approach i need to take. Thank you!

[cayl]

We have this problem constantly. I have twin girls and I just don't see the point in buying separate toys. However, we have been working on the concepts of ownership and sharing a lot more lately. When we have something that we know they'll love, is small and is cheap we tend to buy two. We don't do that too often because it's a waste money and things get misplaced so easily that it's fairly likely that one will get lost and they'll fight over the remaining one anyway.

This actually became an issue that we pushed last week. We've been doing potty training charts with them and told them that if they fill their paper with stickers they would get a toy. DD1 filled her paper so she and H had a special night and he took her to buy a toy and out to dinner. When they got home she showed DD2 her toy and DD2 wanted it. We asked DD1 to let her try it for a minute but then we had DD2 get it back and explained that DD1 had earned the toy. Now they share it, but we let DD1 have preference over that one toy. As twins I don't want them to feel like they never have anything of their own but I'm also not going to waste a lot of money on duplicates and they need to learn how to share.

[erbear]

maybe unpopular, but I don't make mine share (they're both girls, 22 months apart, now 3 and 5). All toys except loveys are communal and whoever has them can take a long turn as long as they're actively playing. They've learned to ask "can I please have a turn when you're finished?" and they are both pretty good about either inviting the other to join or sharing within a reasonable amount of time. This is what they do at school - same language - and are encouraged to find ways to play together but not forced to. They may not take from each other and I step in if their negotiations aren't working.

Most of the time, they play together, because it's more fun than playing alone.

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2014 20:01:09 GMT -5 betsyray said:

Mine are 16 months apart (one and two now). I have this issue daily! It's miserable; my sympathies are with you.

Right now, I tell Max (older) to pick one toy to play with and I will keep his younger brother from it. Then when said younger brother plays with something else and Max throws a fit, I tell Max he has his special toy and he has to share the others. We use time outs when he steals toys from his brother or pushes him over.

They each have one or two toys that are always theirs. Loveys, Max's baby doll and Theo's remote (he's obsessed).

...thereigninglorelei? Is that you?

[betsyray]

Jul 21, 2014 21:12:20 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Jul 21, 2014 20:01:09 GMT -5 betsyray said:

Mine are 16 months apart (one and two now). I have this issue daily! It's miserable; my sympathies are with you.

Right now, I tell Max (older) to pick one toy to play with and I will keep his younger brother from it. Then when said younger brother plays with something else and Max throws a fit, I tell Max he has his special toy and he has to share the others. We use time outs when he steals toys from his brother or pushes him over.

They each have one or two toys that are always theirs. Loveys, Max's baby doll and Theo's remote (he's obsessed).

...thereigninglorelei? Is that you?

Indeed it is! Undercover. As it were.

Short story:someone IRL found me and said some things, so I decided to reinvent myself and lay low until some time passed.

[AmyRI]

Very similar to Holly. 20 months apart, older DS is 3 and younger DD is 18mo. Each kid has their own toys in their own room, and if they don't want to share, that's where they go. They will often invite the other kid in to play with them, which is certainly ok! But DS knows that if he wants to be alone and not share, he can be in his room any time he wants. Just him knowing this has been hugely helpful. If they're downstairs in the play room and aren't sharing well, I'll just ask him if he wants to stay and share or go upstairs and play by himself. It's about 50/50 whether he snaps out of it or takes me up on the offer of alone time.

The play room is all shared toys. If you picked it up first, you get a turn to yourself if you don't want to share and that's ok, but turns are short and sharing is encouraged.

Trading is the most effective. When DD was <1 year, DS just swapped and she didn't care at all. Now at 18 months, she understands the transaction and is ok with it. From 12-18 months, she basically just busted out in tears whenever he tried to trade because she wasn't in control and didn't understand.