Post by bananapancakes on Jul 24, 2014 9:17:09 GMT -5
So I've been taking the advice of the wise MMMs and I started a mom and baby group for our area on Facebook. I started it last week and we already have over 20 members. We were supposed to have our first gtg today but those who originally said they could make it, cancelled so we are going to try for next week.
How important is it to you that your new friends are similar to you in terms of age, education, career, parenting philosophies, etc.?
From reading some of the profiles of moms in our group, I've learned that some are only 21 years old. One works at Walmart. Most did not go to college/university. I know it sounds super snobbish of me, but I'm not super excited to meet some of those people. I don't need to have friends who are exactly the same as me, I'm just not sure what I'd have in common with a 21 year old who has two kids already and stocks shelves at Walmart.
I will of course meet these people and give them a fair chance but I find myself gravitating to the ones who are older and are young professionals like myself.
Do you find that most of your mom friends are similar to you? If you are in a mom and baby group, are all gtg invites open to the whole group or do you sometimes ask a few people to do something separate of the whole group?
I'm in the minority in my mom's group since I work. Most are SAHMs, at least the ones who regularly attend most of the events/activities. It makes it tough to break into since they do a LOT together.
I would say that most of my mom friends are similar in age, but we are far from similar in our personal lives. Even in my smaller group of friends, most SAH.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jul 24, 2014 9:27:16 GMT -5
We have a range in our group, but people 100% branch off based on similar interests and socioeconomic status.
I co-organize our meetup group so I'm known as the person that is "friends with everyone" and if I'm being honest, it gets really tiring and I'm not looking forward to my girls' birthday party in the fall because of it.
I'm definitely one of the younger ones (we just had a few new ones join that are younger then me though). I wouldn't say we group off based on age though.
And if we're being totally honest here, when people send in their request to join, I do read some of the introductions and have the same thoughts as you.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jul 24, 2014 9:31:11 GMT -5
Also, my friends and I definitely do stuff just by ourselves (group text messages, FB messages, etc). It gets tiring posting every freaking thing on meetup. Plus some days I don't want to spend all my time organizing a group and finding everyone (its hard with new members). I want to just go places with my kids and our friends and have fun.
Mom's group stuff is bigger and has a big range of people.
I then made friends with people I had more in common with and we started doing things on the side - going for lunch, playdates at home, etc.
The people that I'm closest with that I met after having DS are people that are reasonably similar to me. Fairly well educated, pretty solidly middle class, married to men I can like, low drama. But to find those wonderful ladies, I met another 50 that I had little in common with.
For a new group, I'd pick a day and a time and meet every week or every other week so that people put it in their schedules. Have something as a standing event so it's easy to join. We do "highs and lows" at my mom's group where we go around the circle and everyone says one high and low from the week - it's nice to feel like you get your moment to vent/brag while keeping anyone from being left out. Is there a parenting centre (I feel like Ontario has Early Years drop-in centers?) or coffee shop or something that you could use?
I find that most of my good friends are somewhat similar in terms of age, interests, etc because we can relate to each other a lot more. Most of my friends are extremely well educated and I definitely find the conversation with my friends without any post-secondary is different - we don't have nearly as much "common ground".
There are people who are "mom friends"...meaning I may not choose to be friends with them outside of our kids. Then there are true friends, who I would choose to be friends regardless of our children. IME, groups like you're starting are often where I find my "mom friends". That's not a bad thing, it's just how it happens for me. I've found good friends through them, too.
I do tend to naturally gravitate towards people who were formally professionals and left their good jobs to be a SAHM. It's not because one is better than the other, just that I have more in common, I guess. They're often the ones who I can have good discussions about the struggles between missing work and loving being home, compared to women who always planned to SAH once they had children and never look back.
Post by gibbinator on Jul 24, 2014 11:28:40 GMT -5
Most of my mom friends are in relatively the same place in their lives as I am. I think it makes sense to want to make friends who you have things in common with besides children. My core circle of 6 mom friends that I met through a mom's group varies in age from 25 to 39, but we're all working parents and have at least a couple years of higher education. We share similar parenting philosophies as well, though a couple of us are crunchier than the rest.
Post by miniroller on Jul 24, 2014 11:37:32 GMT -5
(Non-mom who's 2-3 years away from TTC, but posting here & bookmarking, sorry my addition is solely self-serving) Medically, it's been advised I wait until at least next year before trying. My friends ALL have kids, except for one who lives a couple states away. She & her H are not even entirely decided if they'll have offspring or if they'll possibly adopt an older child? In any case, I'm going to be an older mom, & am very nervous about making friends with other new moms, who will be much younger & possibly on a different life-plan than H&I Hence, why I'm interested in reading responses, as it's concerning to me (& H thinks I'm being somewhat ridiculous)
Post by greencrayon on Jul 24, 2014 11:45:20 GMT -5
The mom's group I go to in this area varies widely. 10 year age gap, high school graduates to grad school, SAHMs (SAHDs) religious, non-religious, BF/FF, etc. It's nice having variety.
Keep an open mind, you never know who you will click with. My closest Mom friend is my age, but we have totally different education and career backgrounds. We share a lot of the same values and parenting views.
That said, I do tend to click better with people who have a similar lifestyle, we can just commiserate more.
(Non-mom who's 2-3 years away from TTC, but posting here & bookmarking, sorry my addition is solely self-serving) Medically, it's been advised I wait until at least next year before trying. My friends ALL have kids, except for one who lives a couple states away. She & her H are not even entirely decided if they'll have offspring or if they'll possibly adopt an older child? In any case, I'm going to be an older mom, & am very nervous about making friends with other new moms, who will be much younger & possibly on a different life-plan than H&I Hence, why I'm interested in reading responses, as it's concerning to me (& H thinks I'm being somewhat ridiculous)
I'd say age is really the least influencing factor in making mom-friends. I've made friends both younger and older than me. The older moms (like 35+ and on their first kid) seem to generally be pretty easy to get along with and secure in their decisions.
I'm not in a mom's group, but I've met up with a couple women from my BMB on the Bump that are a good bit younger than me. One is a Fed (as am I); the other was working at Starbucks pre-baby. Both were very nice and fun to hang out with, even if we didn't necessarily have much in common. I wouldn't say either one have become close friends, but I've enjoyed meeting up with them and their LOs. For me, it's nice to hang out with other moms sometimes, especially if they're also first-time moms and/or their kids are around the same age.
I try to be open minded and usually find friends due to common interests--so having kids and wanting to do things during the day for example would be a strong start.
I have found being open-minded helpful. My friends have a wide range of educational and age backgrounds.
Post by sporklemotion on Jul 24, 2014 12:48:00 GMT -5
I am very different from the people in my mom's group-- they are much more affluent and most are significantly younger than I. Many are new to the area and are SAHMs. Our friendship is largely based on our relatively young babies-- there are plenty of baby-related things to talk about when your kids are so little. I think there has been some branching off, but I am not a part of it, because I am probably one of the people they feel less akin to. About half of us are Jewish, though, so I have that in common with a few of the women. I have mom friends from work and life who are more like me, but their kids are older. Our conversations are more varied, but we were friends before. Both groups bring something to the table for me. I probably have a better time with my "real" friends, but enjoy time spent with the people with whom I have less in common.
Post by redpenmama on Jul 24, 2014 12:58:14 GMT -5
Our playgroup has early 20s moms to late 40s moms. Some are affluent; others aren't. Most stay at home, but there are handful who work part time or at home (like me). The group has been around for a while now, so it has divided into cliques, mostly based on what side of town people live on. So, there are a lot of "non-playgroup" activities that go on -- I went to the pool the other day and ran into several moms in our playgroup who obviously had an off-the-calendar get-together. So, these playgroups evolve over time as people get to know each other better. You won't be lifelong friends with everyone who joins, but you will probably find a few friends. For the time being, I'd be open minded about meeting people who join. These might not be your long-term friends, but they are looking for the same thing as you are and certainly might be nice to talk to at the playground, etc.
I'm part of a moms group on Meetup. Everyone is invited to every Meetup, but I gravitate toward making friends with moms like me (mid-thirties, SAHM, 1-2 kids). I say hi and chit-chat with the younger moms, but I don't actively pursue relationships with them. I have nothing in common with 20-something's.
I'm curious how your gtg goes too! I'm in a similar situation - in an area that doesn't have any Meetup or FB groups for non-SAHMs. I guess I could join up for a short while with one of those, but the kids tend to be older. It's tough! I keep wondering where the groups for working moms are. I live in an area that has a high concentration of military, so my best guess is that they have a built in sense of community already. My non-mom friends tend to be older than me and committed SINKs or DINKs - we bonded on similar interests, personalities, and life circumstances. I still consider them my group, but it would be nice to meet a few working 30-something FTMs to add to my friend medley. Sometimes i think I'd have a better shot finding Bigfoot. Once DS is a little older, I plan to enroll him in some activities so I stand a chance of meeting other moms with similarly aged children.
Post by scribellesam on Jul 24, 2014 13:48:17 GMT -5
There is a wide range of ages/life experiences in my mom's group. I haven't made the jump past "mom friend" with anyone in the group even after a year and a half of regular meet-ups, but that's okay with me. I'm happy to make small talk about our kids and lives for a few hours a week and then go about our lives. There are a couple that I could see being friends with outside of park dates but I think I've missed the boat by this point.
My actual friends with kids were my friends before any of us had kids. I just got lucky that we all reproduced at the same time so now we can do stuff both with and without the kids. The only problem is that the majority are working moms so I don't see them too often.
Post by leonard131 on Jul 24, 2014 14:10:06 GMT -5
No part of a moms group because haven't found one that is geared towards working moms in my area. I do think about this as M gets older and is in school and we will be interacting more with parents. We were older when we had him so I wonder if I will have a harder time relating to parents who could very much younger then we are. Right now we hang out with our friends we had pre-kid or a few select parents (still younger then us)