I asked if mental health could be included on this board but never posted. Shame on me!
Anyhow, here's my story.
I got married in 2011. Before the wedding, DH and I lived with his parents because the renovations to our apartment were taking way longer than expected. His parents told us to save money and live with them. We moved out just before the wedding. Things were great until last year. Sure, DH was quirky but - hell - he's an artist. He's a great guy and very intelligent. I didn't think much of it.
Things got really bad last April when DH was hit by a double whammy of a hospital stay and diagnosis of sarcoidosis (which has disappeared) as well as public service exams. They put him on steroids and the disease slowed down. Problem? He was a beast. Horrible. I couldn't do much without him misinterpreting me and freaking out. I was in tears almost daily. I went to a local psychiatrist with a list of the behaviors I found strange and he recommended the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to me, saying it sounds like it might be Borderline Personality Disorder.
While things were a bit better in the fall, they took another turn for the worse in the winter when I had to be away every other weekend for work. One of the last times I went away I came back on Sunday to find him lying on the couch totally out of it. I have no idea what on earth could have happened. I started counting his Lorezapam to see if he was taking too much. I also counted the alcohol in the house. I still don't know what it was. When I asked him if he had eaten, he couldn't remember. So, I made him a big lunch and asked him to please eat. He got furious at me for "forcing him to eat." I was terrified. Shaking. I didn't know what to do. So, his reaction took me by surprise. He then laid into me, saying I should have come home and happily greeted him, offering to take him to the movies or to a restaurant. So, I took him out. I refused to let him drive, which made him even angrier. However, seeing as how he could hardly walk I didn't want to let him drive.
When we finished, he seemed a bit better. He begged me to give him the keys. However, the moment he started driving he closed his eyes and bowed his head a bit, swerving the car. I immediately took the keys out of the ignition and he ran out of the car. I spent an hour looking for him. Once I finally found him, we went home. I called his parents for help and they made it to our house around midnight. I had to take the next day off to help deal with DH.
This was the final straw. I was able to get him to the psychiatrist. Things got a bit better, but every now and then we have flare ups. I say something or do something that I have no clue is going to set him off and he loses it. Today, there was a cherry picker (truck) parked in our neighborhood, which is private property. He was furious and wanted to ask them if they had asked permission to come in. (They didn't.) I told him to hold on and ask the neighbors. He LOST it and screamed at me. We then went to have a coffee at the coffee shop and when the waiter asked what we wanted, DH said "I don't know, ask her, she'll tell me what I want" and then left. All three neighbors who were there didn't know what to do. I chugged my coffee and went after him. I was in tears because I don't deal well with being treated like that in front of other people. It's now eight hours after the fact and he's STILL telling me I "really screwed up" and that I need to "let him do whatever he wants." He ended up screaming at me with the door open. We live in a town of 200 people. I am certain half of them heard this tirade.
Regarding the psychiatrist, he says he sees no need to go and that it's not working. He says I'm forcing him to go. I went to see the psychiatrist myself the other day and while he didn't tell me anything substantial, he did say DH needs to keep going and that he's very, very stubborn. It's true. He complains about not being able to relax but then he's unwilling to try the relaxation exercises that the psychiatrist sent him.
TL;DR My husband has some really, really strange behaviors. Things got really bad last year. He's seeing a psychiatrist and things are getting better, but at the same time we still have some very, very bad days. The biggest problem, and something I'd love advice on is that he takes any opinion I have about his behavior as me "limiting" him. For example, if I tell him something isn't a good idea, he takes it as if I am completely prohibiting him from doing something when all I wanted to do was share my opinion. I love DH and he's a great guy. However, the many good days are overshadowed by the very few very, very bad days.
So, that's it. That's my situation. I'm sorry for the absolute stream-of-consciousness post but it helps to get it off my chest.
I am so sorry you have been through so much. Do you see a therapist regularly? If not I would strongly suggest it. You can not control his behaviors but you can control how you respond to them, and therapy is a great place to start learning how to respond when he does things like storm out.
I am so sorry you have been through so much. Do you see a therapist regularly? If not I would strongly suggest it. You can not control his behaviors but you can control how you respond to them, and therapy is a great place to start learning how to respond when he does things like storm out.
No, I don't. The psychiatrist he goes to is quite expensive, so I go about once every month and a half to two months. The other problem is that when I go, he takes it terribly.
I am so sorry you have been through so much. Do you see a therapist regularly? If not I would strongly suggest it. You can not control his behaviors but you can control how you respond to them, and therapy is a great place to start learning how to respond when he does things like storm out.
No, I don't. The psychiatrist he goes to is quite expensive, so I go about once every month and a half to two months. The other problem is that when I go, he takes it terribly.
No, I don't. The psychiatrist he goes to is quite expensive, so I go about once every month and a half to two months. The other problem is that when I go, he takes it terribly.
Is it a psychiatrist or a therapist?
Psychiatrist.
I am in Spain and mental health here is still very, very much taboo. I am not sure where to start looking for a therapist.
First question - do you ever feel like your safety is threatened? If this is even remotely a possibility, please take steps (have a safe place to go) to ensure your own safety.
Honestly, it sounds like you may need to issue an ultimatum - get help, or you're leaving. This is not a safe, healthy environment for you at all. You're worried about his safety when he has a tantrum and storms off, possibly about your own safety; you're taking blame and accusations of things that sound (as an outsider) completely ridiculous. I know you said the good times outweigh the bad times, but you also said the bad times are very, very bad. You do not deserve to live like that, walking on eggshells, not knowing if something as simple as asking him to wait on something and ask neighbors about will send him into a tirade. He's ranted at you in public, in front of your neighbors. I honestly fear for you and what he could do behind closed doors. He is definitely mentally unhealthy. Unless he gets help and treatment he needs, you need to honestly ask yourself if this is something you want to live with the rest of your life. Believe me, I'm not one to throw out the DTMFA often, but I'm seriously angry on your behalf for how he's treating you.
malibu, I had a feeling a post like that was coming. You guys are right. And although some might think I am an absolute dumbass, I truly want to stick around because I have seen what he can be like (2008-2013) and it is good.
The worst thing he has done to me is to project all the blame onto me. If he laid a hand on me I would be out. I do not feel as if my safety is threatened.
After the April incident I told him he needed to see someone. That went well until two weeks ago when he freaked out, telling me I shouldn't force him to go to the doctor. He then proceeded to write a strongly-worded e-mail to the psychiatrist (at 2 am) saying he would no longer go. The doctor called him five days later to ask him to come back. DH then decided to go back because "he feels bad for the psychiatrist."
Now, the "good thing" is that he's blaming the psychiatrist for him "having to go" and some of the blame has come off me. The important part is that he's going. He gets very, very anxious before he goes. However, he goes. (I don't know if you understand what I'm saying).
I have noticed that there are a number of patterns in his behavior. One of them is that, when he's in a fit, he brings up old things that are bothering him. Two months ago it was that I haven't taught him English. Now, it's the psychiatrist. I try not to get into the battle when he brings it up. The psychiatrist told me to just tell him "time out" when things get bad. That's a policy I'm trying to stick to.
You're not a dumbass at all. I've spent eight years in a marriage with an alcoholic because of the same thoughts (I've seen what he can be like).
It's the tantrums, yelling at you in public, throwing a fit to drive and then putting you both at risk when he wasn't capable of doing so then running off that really have me concerned for you. I'm sad that a good thing for you is his projection of blame and anger at someone else, and your relief it isn't directed towards you. You don't deserve to live like that. His treatment of you and behavior is embarrassing to you at best and dangerous at the worst.
Does he take any medications that may need to be adjusted? Would dropping him off at a hospital for a mental health evaluation be a remote possibility?
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 28, 2014 8:30:17 GMT -5
Oh I'm so sorry. I wish I had better advice but I think it's been covered. Therapy. A psychiatrist for him and a therapist for you. I am sorry you living like this. It sounds downright scary, honestly. Please look out for your safety. I don't know if he would get violent with you but I would operate on the idea that he could, until he gets his mental health squared away.
A bit late, but you might want to page mrsukyankee She might have some information on counseling that can be done via Skype or over the phone. This would be helpful if you'd prefer to have the sessions in English as well.
It might also be worth asking @tofumonkey about the sarc and his medication. I remember she said that some of her meds (especially steroids) made her crazy. I'm not saying that it is ONLY medication that's the problem, but an adjustment might reduce the effects a bit? I might be reaching a bit here though. I don't know.
Post by mrsukyankee on Jul 30, 2014 12:14:51 GMT -5
Hi. If you would like to speak to someone in English via Skype, you can definitely find people in England or the US. In the US, I would go through the APA and in England, I would go through BACP or BABCP to find a therapist. I do think it's important to have some sort of support if you want to remain with your DH. And that it might be worth reading up on BPD. Loving Someone with Borderline
It's the tantrums, yelling at you in public, throwing a fit to drive and then putting you both at risk when he wasn't capable of doing so then running off that really have me concerned for you. I'm sad that a good thing for you is his projection of blame and anger at someone else, and your relief it isn't directed towards you. You don't deserve to live like that. His treatment of you and behavior is embarrassing to you at best and dangerous at the worst.
this was my life w/ my now stbxh ..... drug abuse escalated it. OP the behavior exhibited by your h while you might not find it threatening .. IS indeed threatening. Like you, I viewed it as annoying and irritating but soldiered on through when I should have given him an ultimatum to STOP (granted it would have fallen on deaf ears but worth a shot)
I am so sorry you are going thru this. What a horribly stressful situation. I grew up with a BPD parent and I am finally in therapy to deal with all my emotions surrounding my childhood. Did you read "Walking on Eggshells"? This book has really helped me come to terms with things and learn how to handle my parent and keep my emotions in check when things are bad. In the book they recommend their online message boards and I highly recommend you join them. They have really helped me realize that I'm not crazy and that there are others in similar situations to me. It helps to read their stories, coping skills and just know that you are not alone in the struggle to have someone in your life that is mentally un well. PM me if you want the board info and I will send it to you. ((Hugs))
Hello again. Sorry I haven't replied sooner. DH and I were on a much-needed vacation. It was awesome, he was back to his "old" self!
I really appreciate your thoughts and experiences. They help a lot. Tarzanswife, I am on a BPD website, but I never felt comfortable there. That's why I asked for the "Recovery" forum to include mental health!
I hope you all are having a good summer. Thanks again for all your posts!