Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?
Ok, so I was just thinking about this again, and I thought maybe I should compare it to what happened between my BF and XH last week.
I won't get into the whole background, but there was major tension between them. All of it was stemming from XH, who decided to make BF the target of all of his anger about the whole divorce (even though HE initiated, HE was inappropriate with a mutual friend and BF was NOT a friend of ours before we split).
After a game, back at the tailgate area where we're all parked, BF approached XH and asked to talk. He apologized for the two of them getting off on the wrong foot and asked if they could just put it behind them and move on.
BF didn't need to do that. He didn't do it to make himself feel better. He did it because all of the tension between them was only hurting ME. BF doesn't really give a shit whether XH likes him or what he thinks about him, but the longer the animosity dragged on, the more awkward of a position I was in.
Shockingly (to BF and me), XH agreed to move on and stop being an asshole.
That's the difference between a selfish apology and a non-selfish one.
This is why I neither ask for nor accept apologies. I don't really care one bit about your feelings on anything if you've wronged me. I like to keep things simple.
This was kind of what I was trying to get at: when is an apology for the person you've wronged?
I'm not trying to dredge up the discussion again, and it does sound like berbles handled it well. I was just wondering, when people say, "The apology was clearly not for [the person wronged] it was to make [the person in the wrong] feel better." Is that always assumed to be the case?
I guess it depends on the person and the situation. I've received apologies that were no doubt sincere. I just really didn't care, but I'm weird like that.
Well done, lady. But why are your friends still hanging out with this asshole teenager??
We fucking WOMPED 5-1. Our team SUCKS this year and this is the first game in which we scored more than 2 goals. So, yay? LOL!
ETA: My real friends aren't friends with her. Even the friends who are still nice to her, come right back to me to talk shit or roll their eyes at her. It's a large group and, unlike my XH, who tried to keep BF out, I don't control all 200+ member of the group.
Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?
Ok, so I was just thinking about this again, and I thought maybe I should compare it to what happened between my BF and XH last week.
I won't get into the whole background, but there was major tension between them. All of it was stemming from XH, who decided to make BF the target of all of his anger about the whole divorce (even though HE initiated, HE was inappropriate with a mutual friend and BF was NOT a friend of ours before we split).
After a game, back at the tailgate area where we're all parked, BF approached XH and asked to talk. He apologized for the two of them getting off on the wrong foot and asked if they could just put it behind them and move on.
BF didn't need to do that. He didn't do it to make himself feel better. He did it because all of the tension between them was only hurting ME. BF doesn't really give a shit whether XH likes him or what he thinks about him, but the longer the animosity dragged on, the more awkward of a position I was in.
Shockingly (to BF and me), XH agreed to move on and stop being an asshole.
That's the difference between a selfish apology and a non-selfish one.
I can see that. I do think there can be some gray area sometimes, but from the details you gave, it does seem like this girl did it to assuage her own guilt. I'm sorry she put you through that.