You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what? I want my baby back.
So I would put some faith in his words. He told you he had done it one other time. I was a great kid and NEVER would have been that truthful.
It sounds like you guys are pretty open. Just step it up a notch and keep these conversations flowing.
You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what? I want my baby back.
But... maybe he's NOT in a jam? Maybe he's just doing normal teenage things; pushing boundaries and testing his limits and whatnot. If you guys have had a tough year, maybe he's just trying to blow off some steam too?
He doesn't sound like some meth-head junkie burnout! He sounds like a good kid! You really need to relax and stop thinking of this as "WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?!" and tell him you're STILL here for him if he gets in a jam, you still want to trust him, and that he can tell you anything without you flipping the hell out.
Agreed. If something had gone wrong, he probably would have called you if you've been stressing all these years that you would be there for him in the moment. My parents never told me that, so if something had gone wrong, I would have tried to cover it up, and would have made worse decisions to get myself out of the problem.
I don't really have advice but I think it is fairly normal to "sneak out" at 16. At least, I did it all the time. And all my friends did as well. I never did drugs. I wasn't drinking. I was having sex but I also snuck my boyfriend in for that. (Sorry mom!)
He isn't a baby and in two years he'll be at college and you'll have to trust he's making the right choices. I'm not saying let him roam the streets at all hours but I think an appropriate punishment for scaring the hell out of you is appropriate. To me, this is part of having a teenager.
I knew there was a reason I came here. Thanks so much, I am breathng now. I know my faults as a parent and I am paranoid and terrified of something bad happening to my kids. I know I tend to go from sneaking out to meth user in one breath b/c I imagine the worst. I also know that I can be the best I can be and it still won't matter. I didn't flip out last night mainly b/c I was half asleep and wasn't firing all four cylinders and as I woke up this morning and realized everything I flipped out, well not literally, but here at work. Good thing there is really no one here today.
Post by RoxMonster on Jul 25, 2014 11:35:09 GMT -5
Honestly, it sounds like you have a really good kid who might do some stupid things from time to time, like most teenagers I know. The fact that when you called him after you realized he snuck out and he 1) answered his phone, and 2) immediately came home is a hugely good sign to me. When I started reading this, I thought you were going to say you tried calling and calling and he didn't answer his phone and didn't get home until the next morning.
Obviously, sneaking out at all is not OK, and I'm not saying that. He deserves consequences for that, be it grounding or whatever you have set up. But, as far as you can tell, he is still doing well in school, involved in sports, he will talk to you and seems to be honest with you. These are all good things--GREAT things! I teach teenagers and can't tell you how many of them would not be open and talk to their parents. At all. You are doing something right.
Just keep a closer eye on him. I'd hold off on getting a mentor or coach involved, because as of right now, all you know FOR SURE is that he suck out twice, and you catching him might shut that shit down very quickly.
You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what? I want my baby back.
These talks aren't a one-and-done type of thing. He's getting to the age where he has to make decisions for himself. It wouldn't hurt to remind him that some of the choices he has could have lifelong ramifications though. Be there for him, be open and honest with him, and when he screws up, serve him the appropriate punishment.
I'm going to recommend a book called Masterminds and Wing Men. It's the boy version of Queen Bees and Wannabes. It covers lots of stuff from a young age to the later teen years-- including stuff like sneaking out, lying, etc. And it has a lot of tips for good ways to handle it. A teacher friend bought it for me when we found out P is a boy and says it's been helpful for her professionally and she always suggests it to parents of boys (she teaches 10th grade). I read through it once and while it's not applicable to me yet I'll for sure be coming back for insight as P ages.
Any way, I think pp's are right that while he needs to be punished, keeping communication and trust is very important. I'm glad you reconsidered the drug test.
I'm going to recommend a book called Masterminds and Wing Men. It's the boy version of Queen Bees and Wannabes. It covers lots of stuff from a young age to the later teen years-- including stuff like sneaking out, lying, etc. And it has a lot of tips for good ways to handle it. A teacher friend bought it for me when we found out P is a boy and says it's been helpful for her professionally and she always suggests it to parents of boys (she teaches 10th grade). I read through it once and while it's not applicable to me yet I'll for sure be coming back for insight as P ages.
Any way, I think pp's are right that while he needs to be punished, keeping communication and trust is very important. I'm glad you reconsidered the drug test.
Thanks, I will go to Barnes and Noble on the way home. I am freaking out and so not breezy about this. My husband is like he is 16 and kids will do this. I never did this, neither did my siblings and I guess b/c I went to a regional school and my friends all lived a car ride 20 minutes away, none of my freinds did this, so I have zero experience with this. Zilch and I am trying very hard to navigate my way through this without having a meltdown and feeling like a failure.
Post by hopecounts on Jul 25, 2014 12:26:20 GMT -5
This is pretty normal 16 yr old stuff. My sibs did it. None of my sibs did drugs though they would all have a beer or two. After the oldest was caught my parents instituted a tell me where you are going and with in reason you can go (i.e. Going out at 12 on a school night not happening on a Friday as long as your Saturday chores get done whatever) eliminating the need to sneak out. After that we just said hey going to hang with Alex be back at X.
He needs to be punished for sneaking out but it may be a good time to evaluate whether it's time to hand over a little more control with the understanding that if he breaks your trust that you'll have to go back to setting stricter rules.
First off, you're not helpless and it seems like you're doing something right because he's doing well in school and is staying involved in sports. If that were slipping, I'd be more concerned.
Luckily you caught this before it became a bigger problem in his life.
Obviously, he's grounded.
I would suggest talking to one of his coaches about this. If there's a coach that he really looks up to, see if they would sit down with him and talk about this kind of reckless behavior. I feel like, at 16, there's only so much a parent can say and it's not always going to have the impact you want it to.
I completely agree with this suggestion. I think a trusted adult can often make a bigger impact in these situations than a parent can.
When I was 15 I got busted sneaking out (which included taking my mom's car and picking up a few friends, by the way...).
After the ensuing lecture and announcement that I was grounded for the week my mom said, "to be totally honest, I'd be more worried if you never did stuff like this." That's how I look at this situation. You have a totally normal, boundary pushing, independence-seeking teenage boy. Congrats, mom:)
Also, stop being so pearl-clutchy b/c your 16 yr old snuck out for 4 hrs:). Recognize that it's far stranger that you never did it yourself. If you act like this is the biggest deal in the world, he's going to find it difficult to relate to you, which is only going to shut down future lines of communication.
You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what? I want my baby back.
Now what is you take some deep breaths. Your kid is, for all intents and purposes, an adult. He's formed, he's who he is going to be; and he's striking out for some independence. Right now, when he does stupid stuff like this, what you have to do is make sure when he does fuck up, and he will fuck up, that he knows you have his back. This is the time to reinforce the messages about drugs and alcohol; to reinforce that if he finds himself in over his head at any time, to CALL YOU, because you'll be there. Every kid does crap like this. This is the time to tell him You know you screwed up bud; we're asking you not to do that again and we trust that you won't, because you know how frightened we were and that's not who you are, you're not the kid who doesn't care if he scares his parents. And when he does it again, reinforce that you know he knows better, and that you have every confidence in him.
Next, give him some more adult responsibilities. Hand over a fifty and a grocery list and send him to the store to get food for dinner. Set him to driving errands, to help with household responsibilities. Have him take the little kid to a doctors appointment or something. Hell, have him drive you on an errand, or take the cat to the vet. My kids loved this part of life, getting to do the 'grownup' stuff. And have his friends over. Make a place in your house where he's got privacy enough that his friends will want to hang out, and then let them alone.
Yes, you had the talks. But these are not boxes you check off on a check list and you're done. You have to keep talking the talk like you'd tell a friend whose good opinion you want to keep. You've raised a good kid; believe in him. Hell my kid last summer on his Europe tour with his classmates, he bought vodka and the kids all shared it and got in HORRIBLE trouble. Nearly sent home. My response? We love you, have fun, quit fucking up, you knew better, and OMG when I was your age I got drunk in NOLA and nearly died of alcohol poisoning; lucky to be alive; come home safe.
don't drug test him; ASK him if he's tried any and does he have any questions. He'll come to you if there's trouble if he knows you won't freak out. And quit asking what you did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong; HE DID. End of the world? nope.
Haven't read everything yet, but do not test your kid for drugs. This a horrible, horrible idea. You need to continue to foster an open dialogue. You will get nowhere by drug testing him.
I am freaking out (I have calmed down considerably). I have never done this parenting thing before him and I am wading my way with him, so all the firsts are going to be with him, if I am still here in 8 years and doing the same things with my younger set, then I would be certifiable. Admittedly, I instantly equaled sneaking out and my mind to drugs and delinquency. I don't know how to deal with this, that's why I asked for advice. I don't think it is strange that I never snuck out. I had nowhere to sneak to and all my friends were 20 mins away in different directions. We went out, had a curfew and came home. I graduated early as well, so I didn't do things that he is doing, that's why I can't relate. I'm learning. Parenting is an evolution for everyone involved.
Do NOT arbitrarily test an otherwise good kid for drugs. You'll lose any ground you have with him. He needs to trust you, and you need to show him that you understand that he's still a kid who needs guidance, but not total authority.
EXACTLY! He needs to know he can come to you if he's in trouble. He's a teenager; he's going to do shit, and sometimes that shit is going to be stupid. Fact. I bet most of the time he shows really good judgement; I would NOT be "mandatory drug testing" a teen I as a way of telling him, "No matter what situation you're in, if you're in trouble, call me. I will come get you and you will not be in trouble. Because I love you and I trust you." Which is really all I want my kids (16 and 17) to know.
I'd follow what my parents did on this one. I'd say I was really disappointed he made the choice to sneak out instead of asking if he could go out, might ask why he felt he needed to sneak out, and then they were sneaky, they said sadly "well now we'll never know because you didn't ask - what do you think your punishment should be" and we todl them and we were punished.
My mom told us years later we were all MUCH harder on ourselves then she was planning but figured, if that's what we felt we deserved we might as well get it!
When my brother was 15 he got caught sneaking out and having sex. Actually he didn't get caught; his GF told her therapist, who was obligated to call the police because GF was 13. 2 year age difference in CA = potential statutory charges. No charges were filed, thank god.
I was 18 and in college and when my mom talked to me about it, she was like, "You didn't do this shit when you were his age!!" To which I responded, "YES I DID!! I just didn't get caught!" LOL That was an eye-opening moment for my mom. I was a decent kid - I didn't drink in HS. I tried a couple drugs, but never got into doing anything regularly. (I also only snuck OUT a few times; mostly I snuck people IN because I lived in the basement. Heh.)
The point is, this is NORMAL. Consider yourself lucky that he was only caught - by you - sneaking out, and not caught by the police or something else, you know? Consider this a blessing that is giving you the opportunity to talk with your son. Because the talks DO need to happen more than once, AND they need to evolve as he gets older. Talk to him about this kids who DO use drugs and how they are perceived by their peers and their teachers.
But definitely don't assume he's doing drugs. DO talk to him about risky behavior and that he needs to consider the fact that breaking your trust can have a ripple effect on you. Yes, he knows that all he did was sneak out and go to a friend's house to play video games (let's say), but he probably isn't considering the fact that even though he knows he wasn't drinking or doing drugs, it's just as likely, in your mind. I don't know if I'm making any sense. He needs to ask himself, "What COULD this look like? Is what I'm doing going to look worse than it actually is?"