Mom update

[rbp]

PDQ as I will delete.

My mom got back from the family reunion yesterday afternoon. She seemed happy and relaxed. Her drama had been redirected toward her sister's daughter-in-law, who apparently made a jerk of herself this weekend. LOL. I almost chickened out on having "the talk" because she was in a good mood, but I finally made myself do it. I was a little more apologetic and less stern than I intended. I told her that we really appreciated everything she had done for us, and we didn't want her to feel worn down or taken advantage of. I told her that H could take care of any of the housework--he probably wouldn't do as perfect a job as she would, but it would get done. And I told her that if she was getting upset or stressed, that she needed to take a break because we could find a way to handle anything, and she didn't need to feel like the world was on her shoulders. Bonus: she apologized for "showing her ass" (LOL) last week.

I made other arrangements to get to work today and Wednesday. My SIL offered to drive me tomorrow, but my mom acted like she wanted to drive me one more time, so I figured that would be ok. I am booking spa services for my mom while I'm at work on Wednesday. I should have booked them before she got back, but I was nervous about putting down that much money without finding out what services she'd like. She kept saying "I feel bad letting you send me to the spa!" but I could tell she's really excited...so she's getting a massage, facial, and pedicure.

There's a good chance that I'll need to lay down the law at some point when the baby comes, but I figured I'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I didn't want to prematurely accuse her of being an overbearing grandma. (Or maybe I just chickened out.)

So...I did something...maybe not exactly what MM suggested (I seem to have misplaced my brass balls LOL) but I think it's ok for now.

Thanks, MM!

[callie]

I think you did great and it sounds like your mom was receptive to what you had to say.

[raangoli]

This is a great update! I think the space this weekend probably helped and the drama with your aunt's daughter in law probably helped, too.

I think you're right to not broach the topic of what happens when baby comes yet.

[ECB]

Oh my gosh - do NOT feel bad for not having "brass balls". It's easy for us to all talk a big game. YOU'RE the one who has to live this. You have to find a good balance between making this work and respecting your relationship with your mom.

To that end - good for you for speaking up and it's probably better that she was in a good mood. She clearly didn't get defensive.

And if issues do arise later - now you know that it IS possible to talk to your mom. And I still FULLY contend that even if youhave to use your brass balls, you aren't going to ruin your relationship with your mom. It may take a detour for awhile, but SHE isn't going to want to be cut off from her grandkids!

[Deleted]

Nicely done.

[womet]

Great update! It might be easier to talk with your mom now about expectations once Baby Peppers arrives rather than waiting until after the delivery. If she's relaxed and you're relaxed, I can see it being much easier on both of you.

[rbp]

Jul 28, 2014 8:40:53 GMT -5 womet said:

Great update! It might be easier to talk with your mom now about expectations once Baby Peppers arrives rather than waiting until after the delivery. If she's relaxed and you're relaxed, I can see it being much easier on both of you.

This is a good point...but I guess I don't know what my expectations are? I mean, I might need help with BF and she did it for two years, but at the same time I don't want her to be pushy. 

[womet]

Jul 28, 2014 8:42:20 GMT -5 rbp said:

Jul 28, 2014 8:40:53 GMT -5 womet said:

Great update! It might be easier to talk with your mom now about expectations once Baby Peppers arrives rather than waiting until after the delivery. If she's relaxed and you're relaxed, I can see it being much easier on both of you.

This is a good point...but I guess I don't know what my expectations are? I mean, I might need help with BF and she did it for two years, but at the same time I don't want her to be pushy. 

It's been a long time since your mom BF a baby, so even reminding her about how often you'll have to nurse, whether you plan on nursing in private in a bedroom, what things she can help with while you are nursing (on the flip side, what things your H will handle so that mom doesn't feel used). Even if you don't exactly know the answers to these right now, you have done more reading/research into this than she has and this is your baby. Her role is to support you, not to hog the baby. 

[mrshandy]

Jul 28, 2014 8:42:20 GMT -5 rbp said:

Jul 28, 2014 8:40:53 GMT -5 womet said:

Great update! It might be easier to talk with your mom now about expectations once Baby Peppers arrives rather than waiting until after the delivery. If she's relaxed and you're relaxed, I can see it being much easier on both of you.

This is a good point...but I guess I don't know what my expectations are? I mean, I might need help with BF and she did it for two years, but at the same time I don't want her to be pushy. 

Maybe just let her know, that hormones are going to be running crazy. That you love her and appreciate her no matter what. It's going to be a challenge for you and your H learning how to be parents. Just be patient with you guys.

But I understand not wanting to say anything.  

[rubytue]

Great update!

And to ditto womet, talking about it when she is in a good mood and coming to an agreement is better than waiting until feeling are hurt and things are said in anger. I'd just ask her what she had in mind for help once the baby comes, and then remind her to let you take the lead on what you/baby need. Just a short convo over dinner might suffice to ease into it.

[bostonmichelle]

Great job! My mom was very difficult to talk down when she'd get in a mood. I'm glad she was in a better mood when she came home, it probably helped the discussion. I probably would wait on the baby discussion as well.

[bryantpark]

Great update! Are her days there going to overlap with your H's time off? Post baby I mean

[BAMFMrsB]

Jul 28, 2014 9:32:49 GMT -5 @choco said:

Great update! I also agree with womet, you should really start laying down the groundwork for boundaries re baby now while you guys are in a good mood. My mom is an ER nurse and still based her "knowledge" off of 30 year old info b/c "that's what she did" when she had me. Um, no. It caught me by surprise since I expected my mom to be more up to date on certain things (i.e. back is best, no cereal until 4mos, etc).

Anyway, so excited that you found some peace for your household before baby rbp is here.

That is a really good point. I referenced the 'What to Expect in the 1st Year' book A LOT, and if that didn't get people to STFU I'd say "well DS' PEDIATRICIAN and I agree BLAH BLAH BLAH". Throw down the ol' "the guy with the medical degree is the one I follow!" speech. It worked very well for us. Mom's sister/my aunt came in town for a visit when DS was 4mo and just starting solids with soft stuff, bananas, etc and she kept trying to give him rice cereal. I  was like "the answer is NO. You want to be near that baby for the next week? KNOCK IT OFF." She backed down real fast.

Be the gate keeper! Make sure everyone understands you are the one allowing access to your baby.

[mellymel]

Great job! I'm sure it was tough to bring it up, but I'm sure you both feel a bit of relief. And now you've opened the door for future discussions after the baby comes if needed.

[aurora]

Yeah! I'm glad the talk went so well.

I think it's OK to have one talk at a time and not worrying about the baby expectations talk for at leas a short while.

[gibbinator]

That sounds pretty good to me! I'm glad she was receptive to the talk and that you are happy with the resolution.

I agree it's probably best to deal with any grandparent behavior issues as they arrive since you don't know whether or not there will be any!

[spunkarella]

I'm glad she recharged and the talk sounds like it went really well!

[dexteroni]

You did great! You were able to talk to her much more directly than you thought you could when you first posted. It's a huge step in the right direction. Now you know you can do this again if you need to. Hopefully this has alleviated some of your worry!

[rbp]

Jul 28, 2014 9:37:04 GMT -5 bryantpark said:

Great update! Are her days there going to overlap with your H's time off? Post baby I mean

Yes, H will be off for a week and she will still be here. I'm not sure what else to do because when H goes back to work, I will still only be partially weight-bearing and unable to carry the baby, unless I strap him on with the Baby Bjorn and get on my knee scooter. So I'm not sure I really want to send her home until I'm fully weight-bearing (likely the beginning of September...eek!)

[krystee]

Good job! It's easy for all of us to say what we would do, but you are the one in the situation and you know what works best for yourself in that particular moment, and it sounds like it went great. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is relaxing and drama-free!

[Poppy]

FWIW, I am proud of you both. And I think it was a good decision to talk to her while she was relaxed. I hope she LOVES the spa!

GL with your last few days of work. Home stretch!

[genet313]

Jul 28, 2014 8:22:52 GMT -5 rbp said:

PDQ as I will delete.

My mom got back from the family reunion yesterday afternoon. She seemed happy and relaxed. Her drama had been redirected toward her sister's daughter-in-law, who apparently made a jerk of herself this weekend. LOL. I almost chickened out on having "the talk" because she was in a good mood, but I finally made myself do it. I was a little more apologetic and less stern than I intended. I told her that we really appreciated everything she had done for us, and we didn't want her to feel worn down or taken advantage of. I told her that H could take care of any of the housework--he probably wouldn't do as perfect a job as she would, but it would get done. And I told her that if she was getting upset or stressed, that she needed to take a break because we could find a way to handle anything, and she didn't need to feel like the world was on her shoulders. Bonus: she apologized for "showing her ass" (LOL) last week.

OMG, is your mother my deceased grandmother reincarnated?  Slightly different, but she always told me to "never show a man your whole ass."  Obviously your mom comes from the same school of thought!

In any event, I'm glad to see this update rbp.  Hope the next few weeks are smoother sailing!

[barefootcontessa]

Jul 28, 2014 11:00:30 GMT -5 rbp said:

Jul 28, 2014 9:37:04 GMT -5 bryantpark said:

Great update! Are her days there going to overlap with your H's time off? Post baby I mean

Yes, H will be off for a week and she will still be here. I'm not sure what else to do because when H goes back to work, I will still only be partially weight-bearing and unable to carry the baby, unless I strap him on with the Baby Bjorn and get on my knee scooter. So I'm not sure I really want to send her home until I'm fully weight-bearing (likely the beginning of September...eek!)

I bet you could do it.  Personally, I could not take someone in my space that long.  If you are average, you will go to 41 weeks so you would not have to do this all that long.  I hope you have an easy delivery after all you have been through.  

[bryantpark]

Jul 28, 2014 11:00:30 GMT -5 rbp said:

Jul 28, 2014 9:37:04 GMT -5 bryantpark said:

Great update! Are her days there going to overlap with your H's time off? Post baby I mean

Yes, H will be off for a week and she will still be here. I'm not sure what else to do because when H goes back to work, I will still only be partially weight-bearing and unable to carry the baby, unless I strap him on with the Baby Bjorn and get on my knee scooter. So I'm not sure I really want to send her home until I'm fully weight-bearing (likely the beginning of September...eek!)

I guess the thing that I would think about is making sure to find quality time in the early days for your husband to bond with the baby. So stressing that since she will be there long after he goes back to work, she can focus on the cooking, laundry, etc. while your H is home and then when he goes back to work she can hold the baby more etc.

I guess coming from his perspective I just wouldn't want him to feel marginalized in those early days because it's important that he gains confidence from early on. Even simple things like letting the baby fall asleep on him for a nice long afternoon nap. My husband loved those things and it made him feel like he was really doing something because he couldn't feed the baby since I was nursing.

And I'll throw one more in there – making sure that she doesn't correct him if he's "doing something wrong" that would've driven my husband absolutely nuts. It drives him nuts when I do it let alone if my mother had done it he probably would've lost his shit.