I am really struggling - ED related

[hungrycaterpillar]

I'm sure some of you are familiar with my story. I'm the girl on ML who walked in on her husband sleeping with another woman who is finishing up a very nasty divorce. I have struggled with bulimia since I was in the third grade. 

Those first few weeks I didn't eat anything at all. It wasn't ED fueled - just had no desire to do anything but drink wine and vodka martinis. I ate sporadically following that and usually only foods I considered to be "safe". Then I moved to my new apartment two months after I found them and got somewhat better. I spent the summer eating essentially what I wanted. I was busy with my rotations and mostly just focused on keeping my head above water. I went to the gym but only occasionally.

Long story short - I've gained about 8 pounds and I am struggling hard with not falling back into bad habits. I restricted today and yesterday. I kept it under 400 calories each day. Yesterday was fine and I made it through my workout but today sucked.  

I know better. I know that my workout sucked and I'm grumpy because I haven't eaten. I know that I should focus on eating clean, avoiding trigger foods and staying away from the scale. I know all the things I should be doing but when I see myself in the mirror in the gym and how out of shape I've become I am overwhelmed with desire to purge, to restrict, to do everything in my power to destroy my body. I hate myself with all that I am right now and don't feel like I can pull myself out - but I'm here - I'm posting and reaching out so clearly I care for myself but I'm just not sure what more to do. I don't feel like going back to therapy yet because I know I'm not ready to.

I came home and had a salad with tuna and avocado and a protein shake. I think I will have some tea and go to bed early. I just want the hurt to stop. This is a lot of writing and rambling but it felt good to get it out. 

[Deleted]

Hello H/C. I'm so sorry you are going through this much pain. Feel free to vent. There are several women here with ED. From a distance, I've admired how you've prevailed this spring and summer.

[SwimDeep]

(((hugs)))

I followed your story on ML, but I don't think I ever commented (I have a bad lurking habit). I have not been officially diagnosed with an ED, but I do have restrictive eating habits. The last big fight my H and I had I didn't touch food for a full 48 hours. I needed to feel control, and the fastest way I can feel in control of myself for some reason is to deny my body what it needs to survive.

I have twenty pounds that I could stand to lose, and I'm struggling not to go back to bad habits too (safe foods, no fat, no more than 500 calories a day, over-exercising...). I try to help myself by distracting myself with new foods. Looking for new, healthy recipes can spark my appetite and shift my mind to a healthier place. I've started journaling how I feel during the day and what I eat so I can prove to myself that I feel better when I eat better.

I am also really struggling with self-hate right now...I bury myself in work and school. And sometimes I'll spend hours playing hand after hand of solitaire (something about it is calming and engaging enough to get me away from my thoughts). If you can find something calming to do, read, or watch, I'm sure it would help.

What you had for dinner sounds wonderful! Tea and some good sleep will be a good thing too. Hope you feel better in the morning

[spedrunner]

girl! Dont let yourself do this. YOU DESERVE BEtTEr!! You are worth it! !Be good to yourself and your body!


please read my blog!


coffeechalk.wordpress.com/

[hungrycaterpillar]

Thanks sped. Today is a much better day already.

[cinnamoncox]

hungrycaterpillar

Hi. I remember your story from ML and I was wondering where you've been.

I'm so very sorry you're struggling

Please take five minutes to try to make an appointment with your therapist (I assume you have one). Take another minute to jot down a few positive things about yourself. You're smart, resourceful, graceful in the face of adversary, etc.
You have so much to offer and you deserve a healthy body and mind.
Hugs and it's good to "see" you, although I wish it were under better circumstances.
((Hugs))

I get you on the restricting. When things seem out of control it's the one thing we can control, right? Try it the other way, still take control, but control positivity. You deserve it. Hang in there, I wish you well.

[flex]

I do not have an ED, BUT I do spend a lot of time being super hard on myself if I allow it to happen.

When the negative thoughts creep in, I resolve to spend equal amount on thinking positive thoughts to balance out the negative thoughts. It helps me get out of the negative rut.

[malibu]

(((hungrycaterpillar))) I've been thinking about you.

I have no advice for you since I don't have experience with EDs (although several other posters here do ). I want the hurt you're feeling to stop, too. I wish I could take away your pain; feel free to write and ramble all you want here.

Can you make yourself eat at least say, 1200 calories? Use My Fitness Pal and track all foods to make sure you hit that 1200 mark? From all the years of dieting I've done, 1200 is kind of the bare minimum just to keep your body fueled for each day. 400 is definitely pretty dangerously low.

I really wish you all the peace in the world. What's happened this year for you no one should have to go through. You've got tons of support here on this board I hope you're willing to trust and rely on for help.

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2014 10:04:19 GMT -5 flex said:

I do not have an ED, BUT I do spend a lot of time being super hard on myself if I allow it to happen.

When the negative thoughts creep in, I resolve to spend equal amount on thinking positive thoughts to balance out the negative thoughts. It helps me get out of the negative rut.

I'm a big sticky note person.  You wouldn't believe all the stuff hanging on my bathroom mirror.  Positive affirmations, etc.

[flex]

It never ceases to amaze the level of negative self-talk that I aim at myself.

I wouldn't DREAM of saying things to family, friends or even rude strangers that I say to myself. I have to make myself cut myself a break. Crazy. lol

[just]

I try to be body positive, but sometimes I just can't - I can't say the positives, can't believe them. I want to fall back into old habits.

Those days, I accept my weakness and just strive to be body neutral.

I see those days, and the slips that sometimes come with it, as just being exhausted. With my ED, I have to consciously, and constantly reinforce my body image, which is tiring by itself. And when that is combined with other emotional crap - stress, fighting, sadness, I just can't keep it all going. So I set myself, as much as possible up not to be negative to my body, but to coast through on neutral until I can get back to actively loving myself again.

I'll chase the negative comments away with breathing, sleeping, mindless activities (like pp said - solitaire is one for me, and Top Chef!). I won't look in the mirror, I definitely won't go near a scale. I tend not to go to the gym those days, but walk with an audiobook, or go for a bikeride, again away from mirrors and bad habits. I won't wear anything that will constrict. As for eating, I try not to go to the store and be tempted to binge and then purge, and will rely on my healthy food at home. Or I'll go out to eat so that I know I'll get at least some calories and won't be tempted to purge.

Glad you're having a better day.

[Deleted]

I'm working with one of my sponsees on this very thing. Why do we do this to ourselves??? Like you said, I'd never say all that negative stuff to anyone else on the planet!

Sometimes when I recognize that I'm in a negative loop, I'll tell myself outloud "JUST STOP IT"!

[btay]

I have no advice, just loads of hugs. You have had a heck of a year and I admire you so much for continuing to focus on moving on and taking care of yourself. Even when you have weaker moments you are acknowledging them and taking steps to recover, and that is something worth being proud of

[hungrycaterpillar]

Thanks for all of the support guys. I'm having a better day today. I ate breakfast and while I was late on lunch I ate it and plan on doing dinner as well. I'm about to get dressed and head out to the gym so here's hoping I have a good workout there. Hopefully I'll keep on the upward trend.

[partiallysunny]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Glad to see things are looking up! Keep going!

[livinitup]

What do you mean by "not ready for therapy"? You sound like you would benefit from professional counseling. What are you requiring of yourself before you ask for help to live the life you want to live?

[livinitup]

What do you mean by "not ready for therapy"? You sound like you would benefit from professional counseling. What are you requiring of yourself before you ask for help to live the life you want to live?