Something else to add...I have always pictured us as "younger" parents. Younger in quotes because at 27 I still consider myself young, but many, many people from my rural high school are posting first day of kindergarten pics already.
Also, a lot of our friends are having babies right now. I don't necessarily feel pressure from them, but I think parenting could be more fun if we have several close friends in the same boat. Then I think "because everyone else is doing it" is a really lame/dumb reason to have a kid.
ETA: This fall will make 4 years married and 10 years since we started dating.
I don't think it's dumb or lame at all, provided it's an otherwise reasonable time to have your children. To this day, some of my best friends are people my parents were friends with before I was born, who had their own kids at right around when my parents had me. We did so much together growing up. I love those "kids" (now adults like me) so much, and the parents too. Although the "kids" all moved away and I only see them at holidays, but I still see some of the parents very regularly. They were among the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant. I totally want the same for my family and I really wish it was in the cards for us... but unfortunately for me, it seems like most of my friends I have the most in common with and spend the most time with now, have no intention of having kids.
We were 29 and 30, had been married 5 years, had finished grad school and had stable jobs and finances, and knew we wanted 2-3 kids. We were not baby crazy or obsessed with having a baby right then or anything, but we knew that TTC could take a while, and logically, it seemed like a good time. And we did want a baby--just not in the totally "omg I need a baby NOW" sense.
We conceived easily, and I had our first shortly after I turned 30.
FastHands and I were just talking about this on GP yesterday. I am due this week and feel completely unconnected to the alien growing inside of me. Glad to hear that you didn't turn out to be a monster mother who hates her baby.
When DD finally popped out and they put her on my chest, I remember thinking, "Huh, there really was a baby in there." Obviously, I knew I was going to have a baby but it was still so surreal the entire time I was pregnant. It was really hard to wrap my head around the idea that there was an actual little person in there.
I also remember DH telling DD that he loved her sometime in the first week and being a little taken aback, because I didn't really feel that way yet. I thought she was cute and I cared about her and I even liked her most of the time (there were definite exceptions to that though, usually in the middle of the night), but I wouldn't say that I felt like I loved her until we'd had a few weeks together. I definitely was not one of those women who fell in love with their baby from the moment they got their BFP.
So not to worry, you and FastHands aren't monsters - unless I am one too and just don't realize it
I've been feeling a lot that way. Not in any way to minimize anyone else's worries or grief because everyone's feelings are valid, but it comes up from time to time that I get asked if I'm worried about the baby/miscarrying/etc, and I just don't feel that way. If I was to miscarry, I'm sure I'd be worried there was something wrong with me and I might not be able to carry any baby to term, but I don't think I'd be sad, if that makes sense, since I hardly even really believe that what's in there is a baby, let alone love it yet, and I'm not dying to hold a baby in my arms. I'm carefully doing or not doing this, that, and the other thing "for the baby" during pregnancy... and people make comments about "moms will do anything for the love of their babies" as if that's the reason, and I feel like I should correct them: I'm not some mommy martyr, I have about a million and one completely 100% selfish reasons that I want this baby to get the best possible start on life.
Hi, hope it's OK if I butt in from MM but spunkarella's post hits home for me, too. We don't have baby fever, aren't really "newborn" people, and are both only children who have never spent any time around children. However, we're 33 (and not getting any younger) so we kind of feel like if we're going to do this, we should do it soon-ish. Logically, I know we'd be "good parents" but it's so hard for me to fathom going from being "meh" about babies to being totally in love with mine even though I know a lot of people (including my own mother) who say that that's exactly what happens.
So, for all of you who said you weren't interested in other people's babies but are obsessed with your own, does that just happen naturally? Should I be worried that we will end up with a kid and that instinct won't kick in? Nervous, party of one over here... These stories about all of you who never had baby fever but are now so in love with your children are really great to read given that this is kind of the situation MH and I are in. Any thoughts as to why your feelings changed once you had your own child?
It's really too soon for me to do anything but speculate, but my experience with other people's children is that the more freedom I have to interact with them in ways that make sense to me, rather than needing to conform to their parents' ideals of how things should be (when I don't share them), the more I come to like the kids and the more I like spending time with them. I'm sure in many cases other people's parenting styles are just as good, but things I don't think are terribly important can feel tedious and pointless (for example, driving in the car and listening to the kid scream to maintain a schedule, rather than walking and carrying the kid which keeps her from crying and gives me a much desired exercise break, but messes with the regular schedule because it takes longer; I'd be hard pressed to say one was better for the child than the other, but the latter was much better for me personally, even though the former was better for that child's parents). With my own kid, I'll be one of the parents and DH--with whom I mostly agree on parenting topics--will be the only other, so I think that will naturally drive the experience toward the good end of this spectrum. Not that I expect everything to be puppy dogs and rainbows and work out the way we intend, but I know that trying to do things our way will be gratifying in a way that going along with how other people do things just isn't.
We just went with our gut. It was pretty much that everyone in our lives have kids now so it seemed more appealing--maybe more comfort with small children?
Looking at things for me and friends and family, I would probably say move on it sooner than later since you never know when your or your husband's health situation may change, but don't feel panicked if you really want to wait--you are both quite young.
I am just now in my first trimester and I'm 33 and DH is 36.
Edited to add--we started trying right around our 6th wedding anniversary
For us we always knew we wanted kids but we were married at 23 and definitely had some things we wanted to do first. So 6 years later after we both finished grad school, got settled in our jobs, saved a bunch of money/paid off debt, and traveled we were ready to ttc. Then it took us over a year to get pregnant.
We were 26 and 28 when I got pregnant. It just seemed like a convenient time. No squishy baby feelings, but we knew we wanted 2 kids at some point.
We'd been married 4 years and settled in a house for awhile. Financially stable, student loans mostly paid off etc. We'd had a lot of fun camping and travelling the summer we started ttc. So we didn't feel like we'd miss out on anything. Honestly one of my motivations was hating my job so f-ing much that having a baby was a good excuse to quit with out burning bridges.
We also both wanted to start a family younger so that we'd be empty nesters relatively young as well.
Post by fortnightlily on Jul 31, 2014 6:59:53 GMT -5
I was 30, DH 41. We, and especially me, didn't have the "omgwantbaby" feeling. I was hoping it would kick in, but getting the feeling it might never do so. We were just in that stable place in our lives where it was the logical next step, so, terrified, we just 'ripped the bandaid off' and went for it, in case things took a while. 1st try was a chemical pregnancy. Dr. made us wait a couple months. 2nd try was DS
ETA - I was scared/in denial my whole pregnancy and it took until DS was about 5 months to stop having the fleeting 'oh god what have we done' thoughts I had like zero experience with pregnancy and babies prior to my own. Now DS is 10.5 months old and I'm handwringing over if/when we want another
Post by thebreakfastclub on Jul 31, 2014 7:17:50 GMT -5
I also am not really "into" other people's kids.
I agree that it took awhile for the love feeling to kick in with my baby. When I read posts about loving the baby the moment it's born, that just wasn't my experience.
I also know my own limits with child-raising - I could not be a SAHM, and I do not want more than one.
Post by everafter07 on Jul 31, 2014 8:24:17 GMT -5
DH is 4 years older than me. I know he was ready long before I was. I told him we'd TTC when I was 30, so that's what we did. DD was born when I was 31. It wasn't baby fever AT ALL, never had that in the least. It was age and financial security that decided when.