I'm being stupid

[Deleted]

Hello. I've lurked here for a while and would love some perspective/advice/swift kick in the ass/magic words. But mostly I just want to vent as I have no one to talk to.

I recently celebrated a milestone in being clean from opiate addiction. Short history: I've been addicted to opiates for nearly a decade. starting really young. Throughout my teenage years I became addicted to meth, but have been off that for about five years now and have no desire to go back to that.

But nearly everyday for the last few years, I've craved heroin like a fiend. While cleaning out my hpe chest last weekend, I found a balloon and some oxy. I'm pretty ashamed to say that I didn't throw it away. I just tucked it back under my baby blankets and left it. Since that day it's been driving me batshit. I would like to tell H and have him go on a cleaning spree, but I'm also terrified to get rid of it for whatever stupid excuse I can make to myself.


I know I'm being irresponsible and putting my sobriety at risk, I just keep thinking, 'I'll throw it away tomorrow.' I thought I don't have any current plabs to use-but that's obviously not true since I can throw the shit away. I'm frustrated to the point of crying and know how I should proceed, but I can't bring myself to do it.

[SwimDeep]

I don't have any magic words, and I can't relate to your situation, but I want to say that I don't think you're being stupid. Addiction is one of the most difficult things any of us can struggle with. There's a reason why people have to fight hard to break (and stay) free.

My H has told me he struggles with the idea that he will never be able to have another drink. He's still holding onto this hope that someday he will be able to drink without causing damage to himself/others. I imagine if he found a stash of alcohol in the house he would have as difficult a time throwing it away as you are.

My only advice is to think about your goals, and think about the consequences you'll face if you don't throw it away. If venting here helps, vent away! I know there are several ladies here who can give much better advice than I.


ETA: Is there something healthy you can do to quench the craving a little bit? For instance, when my H is craving he'll eat candy. The sugar in the candy helps calm his craving. It doesn't make it go away, but it does make it more manageable.

[SwimDeep]

@deadthing - I meant to ask, what milestone did you celebrate? My H just celebrated his first 90 days of sobriety. He didn't want to make a big deal about it, but I'm bursting with happiness and love for him. He feels so much better now physically, even if he might still be struggling mentally. I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies to celebrate

I also want to page flex and @courtneyloves because I think they might be able to offer some encouragement.
I think there are others on this board who might have some advice/perspective, but I can't think of their names right now.

[Deleted]

Hello @deadthing. I'm glad you posted. You stated you know what you need to do. If I were your sponsor, I'd advise you to be honest with your husband and have him help you clean house. You know you cannot safely keep that stuff around.

Congratulations on your milestone! Are you attending AA or NA? The reason I ask is that I couldn't have done this without the fellowship of my friends in AA. Do you have a sponsor you can talk to? While drugs (mj) are a part of my story, I identify as an alcoholic. Slightly different, yet the same principles apply. Have your husband help you get the stuff out of your house.

Keep posting. I'm glad you are here. And thanks SwimDeep for paging me!

[Deleted]

Thanks SwimDeep and @courtneyloves for your responses.

I have healthy distractions. I do a lot of writing as a career, and read quite a bit. I have been avoiding the house as much as possible, which I know is not realistic. Also, congratulations on your H's 90 days. I just celebrated two years.

As far as NA/AA meetings go. I used to go when I was younger, but my ex step father attends all the meetings in our very small area, and hates me. If the meetings where less 'clique-ish' I would be more willing to go but I can only imagine the untrue stories they've been told about me. I don't feel welcome there knowing that he and his sponsor, have gossiped about me to other people. :/

[SwimDeep]

@deadthing - Two years is an amazing accomplishment. Congratulations!

My H has also experienced similar discomfort with certain groups where he felt singled out and...excluded isn't quite the word I'm looking for. He has found that he feels more comfortable in groups that meet at churches. It took him a while to find groups that he felt truly comfortable in (and even in those groups, because of the social networks there is still some discomfort).
For myself, there aren't many al-anon meetings in my area that are held at times I can actually get to. I'm really grateful that this board was created here because, while it might not be physical/face-to-face interaction it is still interaction and fellowship.

I've been thinking about what you wrote, and if you don't mind I would like to share some thoughts...please feel free to tell me to fuck off if I'm overstepping boundaries.

I finally recognized that my H and I had a serious problem when I realized I was doing everything possible to avoid being at or going home. It left me feeling like I had nowhere to go...nowhere to rest. Since I realized that, I've done everything I can to make my home a place of peace and calm and rest. It's hard because I work from home, but I have found a way to carve out space for myself where I can just BE without worry. Among other things, that meant demanding that he respect my personal space and my need for solitude and that I stop feeling guilty (my issue, not his) for keeping food in the house that I like to eat (even if that means it's food that H hates).
I know this isn't even remotely similar to the struggle you are going through, but the one thing I can do on this board is share my experience.

All that to say that, right now, because now you know what is in your home, there is no peace there for you.
Your health is worth it. Your peace is worth it.

You know what you need to do.

[btay]

I definitely think it's a good idea to have an honest conversation with your H, and request that he help you get rid of it. There are always going to be moments of weakness, but you walked away once already so you already know you can do it again. ((()))

[flex]

@deadthing. Thank you for your honesty. Do you have a sponsor? If so, ask her to help you. If no sponsor, can you reach out to your recovery fellowship to have them help you with this?

ETA: And you're not being "stupid".  You're an addict.  We do these mind games to ourselves because it's in our nature.  ((hugs))

[Deleted]

@deadthing, you've been on my mind. Understand your reluctance to attend meetings with your crappy old ex step father. I take it you live in a smallish town? I forget how fortunate I am living in a metro area where we have meetings almost 24/7.

Just a couple of ideas. Is there another town close by where you could try some meetings and possibly get a phone-buddy sponsor? Another idea. One of my American AA friends married a Mexican rancher. Attending meetings was just not an option for her. Dangerous area, long drive, language barrier, etc. She started attending online meetings. That has been her saving grace.

Would either of these ideas seem possible for you?

[Bernadine]

Can you go to the next closest meeting place? Even if it's farther away and harder to get to. It's worth it. You're worth it.

[Deleted]

Thanks all. H and I chatted about it and ended up going through everything. We did find a few other things in the chest and dumping it all. H was incredibly understanding. Everything is going well!

I don't have a sponsor. Online meetings are a great idea! Thanks to everyone for the support. I really appreciate it.

[partiallysunny]

Congratulations on your milestone! I'm glad you talked to your H and got everything cleaned out.