Intro - and a question

[LaceyV]

Hi everyone! I'm 6w5d pregnant with my 2nd baby. I have a 10 month old daughter. Our journey to get here has been a little crazy. We tried for 2 years to get pregnant with DD and finally after a round of chlomid we got pregnant. Then when she was 7 months old I found out we were pregnant again but that ended in a miscarriage. That was in June, I never got a period after that. I only took a pregnancy test again because we were going to a wedding and I wanted to make sure I could drink. H and I were shocked when it came back positive. I had my first ultrasound yesterday and we saw the baby's heartbeat so we are very hopeful this time around, but still cautious.
 
Here's my question - Just before we had our m/c, H's cousin (who we see regularly) and his wife had a stillborn at 23 weeks. They are very private people, not the kind to show a lot of emotion so they seem to be doing ok, but they could be miserable behind close doors for all I know. Anyway, H wants to tell them in person that we are pregnant and I would rather tell them over the phone. I know when I was going through IF that hearing someone close to me was pregnant that I had a hard time with it so I can only imagine how they are going to feel. H thinks that bc we are family that they are going to have to deal with it, which I know in the end they will, but I'd rather give them the time privately to deal with their emotions rather than while we are standing there in their face. So question: Is it better to tell them in person or over the phone?

Also a pic of my DD in her Big Sister shirt

[stategirl08]

I would tell them via email, or regular mail. Telling them in any way that you're talking directly to them (phone or in person) demands an immediate response that they may not be ready to give.

I texted a friend who had a miscarriage a couple months before I had gotten pregnant. I wanted her to be able to hear it from me, but not feel like she had to respond immediately.

[awick14]

As someone who just experienced a third miscarriage I agree with stategirl08, please please send them an email or even a text. I much preferred this to people telling me in person.

If you tell me in person be prepared to hear me say a half ass "congrats" and probably walk away. That's all I can usually keep a straight face for in the moment. But if you tell me by email or text I can take a moment and respond with a truly heartfelt congrats.

*this maybe selfish to some people but I'm ok with that.*

[LaceyV]

awick14 I'm so sorry for your losses. I am fully on board with sending them a text, H seems to think that bc he's happy everyone else will be happy. I've tried to remind him how hard it was on me when we went through IF but he thinks I'm just too emotional.

[miamigirl]

I agree with the others. Send them a text or email. That way they'll have time to process the news. I'm sure they'll be happy for you but it can be hard for them at first.

[linz]

Congrats! And I agree with others that it's best to not actually talk to them, but do it over email, text, etc. Even people who struggle with IF like I did have a hard time dealing with it and I know hearing news in person would have been really hard to keep a straight face. My SIL told me over the phone when she was pregnant and I couldn't even talk, all I could do was cry.

[rachelgreen]

100% email, text, letter route. I went through 6.5 years of IF and while I might have been happy for people, it didn't make me hurt inside over my own situation. I would even mention something like, "I know there might be days where you don't even want to talk about anything baby related and I completely understand. Please know that I am always here for you to talk to if you need it."

[theatre4life]

Congratulations!! And yeah, another vote for telling them either over e-mail or text. Anything that requires an immediate response (in person or over the phone) makes it tough for them to process it in their own time.

[autumnfire]

Nothing was harder then having to fake my emotions be it in person or on the phone. I felt like I was put on the spot with my heart in my throat. I'd honestly send an email. It's a way that you can tell them and allow them their space to feel how they need to feel.

I'd also keep this email short and sweet, save the gushing for other friends and family. She'll need time to process this and I just think an email while some might not see it as personal I know that's how I preferred to be told. I hated feeling on the spot and even more so I felt embarrassed if I started to cry. I didn't want to 'send' the wrong message. I was very happy for them but it was a very real reminder of what we didn't have and lost.

When a best friend told me she was pregnant 2 weeks after our 4th loss to my face, I didn't know how to process it. I went silent offered a very soft congratulations and looked down most of the time. Then hearing her complain about how she didn't like being pregnant cued my early exit. Sat in my car and had a really good cry.

Congrats and I think it's great that you're seeking opinions and really showing how thoughtful you are towards her feelings.

[Odonata]

I also agree with an email. I remember having to really fight to keep a straight face when I was told in person while going through IF. I was always very touched that they thought to tell me before making a big announcement but when it was in person I could see them searching my face for emotion.

So besides trying to hide my hurt (that was in no way their fault) I also felt I had to put on a happy face as to not make them feel bad for causing me any pain.

Also, congratulations!

[catscatscats]

Don't tell them in person. Give them time to process privately. When we were really struggling, announcements in person sometimes made me cry. It makes things really awkward for everyone. Celebrate with the fertiles though! It is a happy thing! Just try to be sensitive to those in a tough space.

[Deleted]

I have a similar situation. One of my good friends had a stillbirth last year. Her health/age is such that was her last chance for carrying a baby.

I ended up telling her person because it was a weird point in a conversation not to if that makes sense.

I think I need to actually ask her if she wants me to not talk about it or if she would rather I carry on as normal. I'm cool either way. I can see sometimes she's sad when she hears about babies. In good news she's pretty open and that helps.

It's so tough. I hate that anyone has to go through that.

[luv2rn4fun]

Congrats and welcome!

I agree with PP- please do not tell them in person. I have had 2 losses and cannot imagine what your H's cousin is feeling after just recently giving birth to a stillborn. She (and her DH) deserve the right to process in their own time. Telling them in person is the absolute worse. Yes, eventually they will have to deal with you guys as you are family but honestly that might be a very long time from now and it should be at a time when they are ready and able, not something they are forced into.

FWIW, I had a cousin that was pregnant and due at the same time as our first pg that ended at 10 1/2 weeks. I found out in person at a family event and it was the absolute worst. I was happy for them but very sad for us. In fact, I have yet to meet their son (although now that I'm 23 wks pregnant it hasn't been intentional the past 5 months or so) who will be 1 at the beginning of October. I couldn't go to her baby shower and pretty much just avoided all things relating to my cousin and their son until I was ready. It might take your H's cousin being pregnant with their take home baby before she is ready to face you guys and that's completely normal and acceptable. Either way, it should be up to them to determine when they are ready.

[azurely]

Congrats!

I agree with you that email or text would be better. It gives them time to process and they don't have to fake a smile or genuine "congratulations" with you right in front of them.

Some people might think text or email is impersonal though, so you could mention why you did it that way, that you didn't want to surprise them with an in-person announcement. I'm sure they will appreciate your thoughtfulness, I know I would have.