Me and my husband (and I think many here can relate) are tired and stressed. We have sex, we get the job done, and it's nice, but there hasn't really been much of making each other a priority sexually for quite some time. And that's okay! It's the life stage we are in right now. If he told me he wanted to have sex with someone else because I wasn't making him a priority I would be incredibly sad .
This. I am a very sexual person, or at least I was pre-baby. Things are not the same as they used to be. But, you can bet your ass that if my husband asked me for a hall pass I would say absolutely. Feel free to move in with your mom and have as many hall passes as you need. I won't ever be okay with that, and would be beyond devestated if he asked me for that. I would forever feel like I wasn't enough for him.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Aug 25, 2014 16:33:08 GMT -5
Maybe since Chris has a medical issue, he's having some of his own issues with confidence in the bedroom and that's what is translating as him not prioritizing you sexually? I think a medical doctor is the first step and maybe sex therapy is the second.
Gisa, I don't know you well, but you seem like a generous person with a good sense of sense of humor. I don't normally comment on things like this, especially when no advice is sought, but I feel like it'd be a disservice if I didn't at least caution you to seriously consider all the possible ramifications of any "hall pass" related activities. Things may be good between you and Chris now (though that seems arguable), but if that changes at any point, an extra-marital affair would not be looked at favorably in a divorce proceeding. Combined with the CPS case and the weed, someone could make a good argument as to why your children shouldn't remain in your care. That said, I hope that you can Chris can work things out and I wish you all the luck in doing so.
lol, you have to know she isn't serious. I mean yea, she hates football but she doesn't want people to die. Owning her H?
Lol that this is the part of the thread you are focusing on. I also said she was pumping iron and munching chips so I wasn't super serious about it either.
But after you have the good sex and confirm that, yes, it's out there - then what?
I work harder with C? I cherish that memory? I really don't know
This doesn't even make sense. You need to have sex with someone else to tell you that you want to work harder to make it work with Chris? This should be your first step.
Gisa, I don't know you well, but you seem like a generous person with a good sense of sense of humor. I don't normally comment on things like this, especially when no advice is sought, but I feel like it'd be a disservice if I didn't at least caution you to seriously consider all the possible ramifications of any "hall pass" related activities. Things may be good between you and Chris now (though that seems arguable), but if that changes at any point, an extra-marital affair would not be looked at favorably in a divorce proceeding. Combined with the CPS case and the weed, someone could make a good argument as to why your children shouldn't remain in your care. That said, I hope that you and Chris can work things out and I wish you all the luck in doing so.
I'm impressed that you were willing to be naked with another guy 4 months after having a baby. I was still running from the bathroom in the dark and diving under the blankets in front of DH at this point. But I guess that speaks more to my personal issues, lol.
Anyway, I honestly don't know if this is real or not. If it is....we all know that people have different parameters for how important sex is in their relationship, and no one can judge that. If sex is critical to a happy marriage for you and it isn't working then you need to change something.
However, I can't think of any single reasonable person who would think this hell pass idea was in any way a good idea or would in any way help your marriage.
katfco and @therealmc thank you. I am not infatuated in the least. This guy is perfectly aware that it is a one time thing. We have been work friends for a year now. He is a nice guy. He actually used to work with Chris at this store. I would not let this break our marriage and that is why things have stopped. I did go about things wrong, but I was mad and hurt that my husband hasn't given one shit about making sure I was satisfied for the last 8 years. He is a wonderful dad and he is thoughtful in other ways. Maybe sex isn't an imprtant thing to him, but it is to me and I shouldn't have to give up that part of me. I could have just cheated on him, but I did not. I told him how I felt and what I wanted and when he wouldn't try to change things I asked for an alternative. So now we are looking into other solutions.
But it just isn't his problem that you haven't been satisfied for the last 8 years. You need to own that too.
I feel like some people are projecting their own feelings about sex and their relationships onto Gisa. There are a lot of people here who've admitted that they're not on the same page as their husbands sexually, but they're okay with it. What if you weren't okay with it? What if you wanted things to change but your H wasn't interested?
Fast-forward 8 years. You're still not on the same page and your H is still unwilling to do anything about it. An idea comes to mind and you bring it up. He agrees to it. You discuss it, and consider doing it. Then your H realizes he doesn't like the idea after all.
Everyone's acting like Gisa's done this horrible thing to her husband, when her husband was okay with it, initially. It's not a choice I would ever make, but this is between them. Now, if she continued with the plan even after her H put on the brakes, I would consider that worth judging.
I'm thinking from reverse roles. If somebody on here came in and said their husband asked for a hall pass because their sexual needs were not being 100% met. People here would rip the husband to shreds. I think just asking for it is shitty. What do you say "Hey husband, you suck at sex, can I have an affair?"
But what if someone came on here, said, "I'm really uninterested in sex, have been for years and it bothers my H a lot. I'm unwilling to do anything to change that, so we were talking and he brought up the idea of a 'hall pass.' I thought about it and, after going back and forth, agreed to it. But now, he's actually thinking about it! Can you believe it??"
Would people really rip her H to shreds? Or would they say, "Well, what did you expect to happen when you're unwilling to find a solution and you agreed to the only one your H could think of?"
@pcloadletter It isn't very often that I'm rendered "speechless", and it seems like an understatement to say that you guys are going through some very serious issues. I hope that you are able to resolve them, if you still want to. (((Hugs)))
I'm thinking from reverse roles. If somebody on here came in and said their husband asked for a hall pass because their sexual needs were not being 100% met. People here would rip the husband to shreds. I think just asking for it is shitty. What do you say "Hey husband, you suck at sex, can I have an affair?"
But what if someone came on here, said, "I'm really uninterested in sex, have been for years and it bothers my H a lot. I'm unwilling to do anything to change that, so we were talking and he brought up the idea of a 'hall pass.' I thought about it and, after going back and forth, agreed to it. But now, he's actually thinking about it! Can you believe it??"
Would people really rip her H to shreds? Or would they say, "Well, what did you expect to happen when you're unwilling to find a solution and you agreed to the only one your H could think of?"
I'm pretty sure she said they have sex 3 times a week...my husband does not get that, and never will, and if he asked for a hall pass because of that I would rip him to shreds.
If her husband offered her a hall pass because he knew he wasn't satisfying her, totally different story, but she asked for it.
But what if someone came on here, said, "I'm really uninterested in sex, have been for years and it bothers my H a lot. I'm unwilling to do anything to change that, so we were talking and he brought up the idea of a 'hall pass.' I thought about it and, after going back and forth, agreed to it. But now, he's actually thinking about it! Can you believe it??"
Would people really rip her H to shreds? Or would they say, "Well, what did you expect to happen when you're unwilling to find a solution and you agreed to the only one your H could think of?"
I'm pretty sure she said they have sex 3 times a week...my husband does not get that, and never will, and if he asked for a hall pass because of that I would rip him to shreds.
If her husband offered her a hall pass because he knew he wasn't satisfying her, totally different story, but she asked for it.
That is your relationship, that doesn't mean that it is or should be the norm for everyone. I'm not keen on the idea of a hall pass, but that is decision made for my relationship alone.
Post by DesertMoon on Aug 25, 2014 17:06:47 GMT -5
@pcloadletter, you and I don't really like each other but I would like to give my input.
DH and I don't really mesh well in the sex area, but I have to say...I want to get off today and he takes the time to try, sometimes I say, I'm not in the mood, this is for you Hun and I don't get off. If Chris is quick to finish, Viagra can keep him erect long enough to please you. There a lot of other things, even simple things like a cock ring or adding a vibrator in the mix could help a lot. Hall passes only work if both ppl participate in stepping out of their marriages and there are firm rules and set details in place. If he keeps changing his mind that means he is not ok with it, and absolutely never will be. You should try working on this internally within your marriage. I'm sorry you guys are having a rough go of it, best of luck.
But what if someone came on here, said, "I'm really uninterested in sex, have been for years and it bothers my H a lot. I'm unwilling to do anything to change that, so we were talking and he brought up the idea of a 'hall pass.' I thought about it and, after going back and forth, agreed to it. But now, he's actually thinking about it! Can you believe it??"
Would people really rip her H to shreds? Or would they say, "Well, what did you expect to happen when you're unwilling to find a solution and you agreed to the only one your H could think of?"
I'm pretty sure she said they have sex 3 times a week...my husband does not get that, and never will, and if he asked for a hall pass because of that I would rip him to shreds.
If her husband offered her a hall pass because he knew he wasn't satisfying her, totally different story, but she asked for it.
It isn't always about quantity; if it's unsatisfying to her, what does it matter how often she lets him have sex with her? And we don't know how the conversation happened. Yes, she asked for it, but a comfortable relationship with good communication means a woman doesn't always have to wait for a man to initiate an idea. She can make suggestions that benefit herself also.
I'm pretty sure she said they have sex 3 times a week...my husband does not get that, and never will, and if he asked for a hall pass because of that I would rip him to shreds.
If her husband offered her a hall pass because he knew he wasn't satisfying her, totally different story, but she asked for it.
That is your relationship, that doesn't mean that it is or should be the norm for everyone. I'm not keen on the idea of a hall pass, but that is decision made for my relationship alone.
I was just saying that just because someone is unsatisfied with their sex life, even if for 8 years, that they should be asking for a hall pass aka affair. My husband is not satisfied with our quantity of sex, but he's not asking to cheat.
That is your relationship, that doesn't mean that it is or should be the norm for everyone. I'm not keen on the idea of a hall pass, but that is decision made for my relationship alone.
I was just saying that just because someone is unsatisfied with their sex life, even if for 8 years, that they should be asking for a hall pass aka affair. My husband is not satisfied with our quantity of sex, but he's not asking to cheat.
I bolded the wrong part of your post, I meant to bold the first part.
Gisa, I don't know you well, but you seem like a generous person with a good sense of sense of humor. I don't normally comment on things like this, especially when no advice is sought, but I feel like it'd be a disservice if I didn't at least caution you to seriously consider all the possible ramifications of any "hall pass" related activities. Things may be good between you and Chris now (though that seems arguable), but if that changes at any point, an extra-marital affair would not be looked at favorably in a divorce proceeding. Combined with the CPS case and the weed, someone could make a good argument as to why your children shouldn't remain in your care. That said, I hope that you and Chris can work things out and I wish you all the luck in doing so.
This is what I was trying to articulate. There is more than the marriage now, there are three children. I'm glad you are looking at the medical angle in case there is an easy fix.
I really didn't want to get involved in this but after "knowing" you for 3 years, @pcloadletter, I feel like I have to. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch but I honestly do not think being with someone else is going to make things any better. Let's say you do have sex with someone else, it's great and, to use your words, you find out that good sex does exists. Are you really going to be happy going back to the "awful sex" with your husband? Is sex all that matters in your relationship? Is your relationship ever going to recover with your H knowing and probably imagining the details of you being with someone else? You need to go to counseling and talk things out. You say you don't have time in your schedule for marriage counseling but you have time to plan out a "hall pass?" I hope you and C can get on better terms and have your marriage be in the place you want it to be.
I do feel like if I were a SAHM I would not let him go away ever, and if he stayed after work for a beer etc. I would be ragey. Because I work F/T I am generally ok with him doing stuff but I will admit a full weekend alone with the kids was harder than I expected.
It's the bedtime that gets me. I just hate double bedtime, it's too stressful*
*I don't think this is a UO with anyone
Just staring to read this now but I stay late several times a month for drinks my prob hates me for this oops
Post by formerlyllizzyb on Aug 25, 2014 17:35:13 GMT -5
Yesterday night I was contemplating taking off the shorts I wore and putting them back in the drawer for another wear. They didn't really qualify as dirty yet.
While internally debating this serious issue, I sneezed and promptly peed my pants. Decision made.
My husband does not get to sleep in on weekends, ever. I sleep in every Saturday and Sunday. I get to have my hobbies, I run/go to the gym 5 to 6 days a week for at least two hours. He uses all his vacation time to visit my family or cater to my hobbies/desires. He comes to every kid doctor appointment or keeps one of them so I can go. And if I am tired when he gets home, I take a nap and I never let him.
I give zero fucks and have no guilt about any of this. It's my trade off for sacrificing so much for his career and being a SAHM with no help. I would kill my husband if he refused to get up with the kids on weekends.
AMEN.
Maybe his is where I ducked up
I think I should be able to sleep in on he weekends since I wake up a 4 am and work 12 hours a day where he sleeps in til 5
Not my fault I for to bed at 10 and u stay up til 2
My H and I just discussed our "revised" budget, which I drew up, last night and I JUST NOW ordered $140+ at Gymbo. I feel so guilty.
My baby clothing budget went out the window after I decided to add up how much my husband spends on coffee and lunch out every day...
I broke him of those habits and the only thing I can hold over him now are his stupid ecigs. And they're a lot less than clothes! Thankfully he doesn't really care what I spend money on. I'm the onethat monitors and pays bills.