Friend and I went to lunch. She confided in me that her boyfriend of 11!!!! years has been acting strange and they're having a lot of problems. She said she suspected he's cheating on her with a woman, Caroline.
About 6 months ago I bumped into her boyfriend shopping and acting very close at Sak's with a woman, Caroline. He introduced me, but was acting very off and odd. I've seen him several times since and he's been normal.
If I were your friend and I somehow found out you knew this stuff and never told me - especially after I said something was weird - I'd be really, really upset. The first time after you saw him, I understand not saying anything. But now that she's brought it up? I'd tell her.
It sounds like she already knows, has suspicions, and/or is figuring it out. I think it would've made sense to tell her 6 months ago if it felt that odd to you, but if you told her now it's not going to be all that helpful and might only make her feel like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner. Unless you feel like she needs a push to ditch him I think I'd keep it to myself and let her come to it on her own. After all, the evidence you have is circumstantial -- which isn't to say it's wrong, but it's not like you caught him red-handed and then kept that from her. My feeling is that if it didn't warrant telling her at the time/you weren't sure enough of what it was at the time, it doesn't warrant telling now unless there's a specific purpose (like she's teetering on whether to call him on it and you think it'd push her over the edge).
If I were your friend and I somehow found out you knew this stuff and never told me - especially after I said something was weird - I'd be really, really upset. The first time after you saw him, I understand not saying anything. But now that she's brought it up? I'd tell her.
This.
I think your opportunity to tell her was when you had lunch with her. Like, "I don't know how to say this but remember when we had brunch at X and BF cancelled? Well, I ran into him later in the day with Caroline and he was acting strange then. I thought it was a one-off, maybe he wasn't feeling well as you said", etc., blah blah and say that now that she's mentioned it, it seems to fit/make sense.
Tell her. Give her only the facts and then step back. I would be horribly upset if I were your friend and found out later you had info you didn't share.
yes, I would be very hurt if I were your friend in this situation. I understand not saying something then but once she voiced her concerns I would 100% tell her
I am normally in the MYOB camp, but since she came to you, I agree with the PPs that I would tell her. Of course be prepared to deal with her anger that you didn't come to her sooner or why you didn't mention it when she brought up the topic during lunch.
I'd totally tell her in this case - she's already thinking about it and she came to you. You didn't tell her before because it didn't occur to you that it was shady until she confided in you at lunch.
Definitely in this case. Tell what you know. I'm surprised that anybody would say otherwise. She's your friend and I would expect any friend to tell me this info.
If I were your friend, I would want to know. I wouldn't tell her it seemed weird at the time, and I wouldn't tell her it was on the day he skipped brunch, because she'll wonder why you didn't tell her then.
"You know, the name Caroline sounded so familiar to me when we talked yesterday, and I couldn't figure out why, but it came to me later. A few months ago I ran into Boyfriend at Saks with a friend. He introduced me to her...and her name was Caroline. He was acting a little weird, but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I would have never in a million years suspected him of cheating. But after we talked and I remembered that encounter, it kind of made sense. I'm so sorry."
@songforyou I agree completely, and have in the past been a minority (if not the only) "I would tell" response in a sea of MYOBs. I will never understand that. It's your close friend! I know if I were the friend, I would want to know. And I would feel awful if I had been through the hell of figuring out if he was cheating, and learned that a friend had withheld info that could have helped.
Post by autumnfire on Aug 29, 2014 10:34:22 GMT -5
If this had been 6 months ago and asked if you should just tell her I'd say no. But given that she's started confiding in you about her suspicions I think it's okay to tell her. I'd add on that you didn't think anything of it at the time but now that she's said something you wanted to bring something to her attention.
If I were your friend, I would want to know. I wouldn't tell her it seemed weird at the time, and I wouldn't tell her it was on the day he skipped brunch, because she'll wonder why you didn't tell her then.
"You know, the name Caroline sounded so familiar to me when we talked yesterday, and I couldn't figure out why, but it came to me later. A few months ago I ran into Boyfriend at Saks with a friend. He introduced me to her...and her name was Caroline. He was acting a little weird, but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I would have never in a million years suspected him of cheating. But after we talked and I remembered that encounter, it kind of made sense. I'm so sorry."
Post by explorer2001 on Aug 29, 2014 11:15:38 GMT -5
Having been the one who was being cheated on and a bunch of people around me knew but didn't say anything, all the MYOB stuff pisses me off. Too many people told me after the fact that well yeah I knew that was going on forever. That was awful. It put me at risk because of his reckless behavior (luckily I'm OK but I easily could have gotten an STI etc given his behavior).
So if you care find a way to support your friend. If you know something she needs to know put on your big girl undies and say it. Facts are good. Let her judge facts. Then support, validate and love her. Don't make her feel dumb for not seeing it sooner, etc. Make sure she feels valuable.
One of the some of the best comments I got were either people who validated what I saw when I fell for my ex and told me while it sucked, I wasn't stupid for falling for what I and they saw in the beginning, that I was a good person and deserved better treatment. Another said they never quite understood why we were together but I seemed happy and they assumed I knew something they didn't, etc. Followed by support, validating me as a person (basically just being a friend and treating me well), condemning cheating etc.
Too many people told me after the fact that well yeah I knew that was going on forever. That was awful.
That's exactly the kind of thing I was talking about earlier. I would hate to realize that my friends all knew and didn't tell me (but probably talked about it amongst themselves), on top of being betrayed by your DH. It would be a terrible blow and would make anyone feel unsupported.
One of the some of the best comments I got were either people who validated what I saw when I fell for my ex and told me while it sucked, I wasn't stupid for falling for what I and they saw in the beginning, that I was a good person and deserved better treatment.
That's a nice thing to know; I'll have to remember that in the future. It doesn't usually occur to me to acknowledge the good even when it's outweighed by the bad. I'm more prone to dismiss the good in light of the newly discovered (or newly acknowledged) suckiness.
Too many people told me after the fact that well yeah I knew that was going on forever. That was awful.
That's exactly the kind of thing I was talking about earlier. I would hate to realize that my friends all knew and didn't tell me (but probably talked about it amongst themselves), on top of being betrayed by your DH. It would be a terrible blow and would make anyone feel unsupported.
One of the some of the best comments I got were either people who validated what I saw when I fell for my ex and told me while it sucked, I wasn't stupid for falling for what I and they saw in the beginning, that I was a good person and deserved better treatment.
That's a nice thing to know; I'll have to remember that in the future. It doesn't usually occur to me to acknowledge the good even when it's outweighed by the bad. I'm more prone to dismiss the good in light of the newly discovered (or newly acknowledged) suckiness.
Yeah I lost a lot of "friends" over that. I have fewer friends now but they are real friends. For goodness sake, no one would every say MYOB if your friend was about to step into traffic, but somehow its taboo to say hey you might be emotionally hurt or an STI, watch out.
The thing is when everyone is telling you how stupid you are for ever being with him, how awful he is, how they would never let anyone do that to them, how could you let this happen, how could you ever fall for that, how did you not see this coming, you deserve this for ever trusting him, etc. Its about saying your friend isn't an idiot for wanting love or seeing good in someone else. In fact loving and seeing good in others are traits of your friend that were taken advantage of. Its not about saying go back or give him another chance. It is about making your friend not feel so stupid and worthless it makes it harder for her to believe she deserve better. Like I said validate how they could have fallen for the good stuff, condemn the bad behavior/ treatment, help friend move forward.
HOWEVER. I've been in this exact situation twice now, and both times it severely impacted my friendship with my friend. They decided to stay with cheating boyfriend and then of course I'm the bad person for "lying". And then several years later they finally break up. Ugh.
And I would flip the fuck out if a friend knew this about me and didn't tell me.
Tell her. If she has her suspicions, she will probably be hurt but happy to know something is up. Be prepared for it to backfire though. I've been the person who lost a friend when I told her that her BF was on match.com 6 months into their relationship.