I got kicked out of moms group (and WWYD?)

[ladygrey]

According to the email from the leader, I wasn't participating in enough activities, so they removed me from their private FB group. Ooookay. Way to be welcoming and inclusive of new moms in the community! In my defense:

- Their weekly meeting is scheduled at the same time as storytime at our local library - an excellent program that I would prefer to attend; also it's well attended by many SAHMs (an untapped wealth of new members for the moms group).

- The group leaders all have older kids, so the calendar is full of activities like water parks, children's theater, giant playgrounds, etc. As a mom who joined with a younger baby (when DD was 2 months old), none of these activities were (or still are) appealing to me. Also, events are scheduled around kids who only nap 1x/day.

- A baby playgroup was added this summer for parents like me who wanted more baby-friendly activities. Well, I attended 3 times and each time I was the only person who showed up besides the mom who was hosting.

I'm debating sending an email response explaining my lack of involvement and making a gentle suggestion about the group structure (referencing the points above), but not sure if it seems like sour grapes. Do you think it's worth sending or should I just let it go?

[bronxgirl]

I would just let it go. It doesn't sound like this group meets your needs.

[zeewifeandmama]

Eh let it go. Wasn't a good fit. Keep
Going to your storytime and befriend those moms to do fun stuff with!

[lilybug]

Personally, I'd just let it go. Sounds like they weren't really geared towards babies, so it wasn't a good match for you anyway.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to send a short email just saying that you didn't find there weren't many options for a baby your DD's age within the group, and you hope that you'll be welcome to rejoin when she's older and can participate. (If you care about that.)

[drloretta]

I left one because it was geared toward preschoolers and DD was <6 months old. I told them why I was leaving.

But in this case I'd just chalk it up to a bad fit and find a group that better suits your needs.

[Deleted]

Fuck them.

They don't even deserve a response.

[Deleted]

The fuck? This is a thing? To kick someone out of a fun group?

What is going on in the world!

They don't need a response at all.

[bunch]

I'd start your own.

[kangaroo11]

Aug 29, 2014 18:59:50 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Fuck them.

They don't even deserve a response.

I thought this and went "No, that's harsh to think." But really, fuck them. 

[zeewifeandmama]

Aug 29, 2014 19:17:06 GMT -5 @wandering said:

The fuck? This is a thing? To kick someone out of a fun group?

What is going on in the world!

They don't need a response at all.

In my very limited moms group experience it seems to be that people get kicked out for non participation because the group is a closed group where you can't see their calendars pics etc... So that they know you aren't some creepy 40y/o guy that knows where a bunch of kids are together. That's how one group explained it to me.

[6fsn]

Aug 29, 2014 19:28:25 GMT -5 zeewifeandmama said:

Aug 29, 2014 19:17:06 GMT -5 @wandering said:

In my very limited moms group experience it seems to be that people get kicked out for non participation because the group is a closed group where you can't see their calendars pics etc... So that they know you aren't some creepy 40y/o guy that knows where a bunch of kids are together. That's how one group explained it to me.

I had the same experience. They want people to be active.

I would just chalk this up to a bad fit. If you want to try something else go for it, or maybe talk to the women at the library and try to get something going with them.

[sjh722]

Yeah, I'd let it go.

Sorry they kicked you out. Maybe you can start a superior mom's group with some of the SAHMs from the library story time?

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2014 19:28:25 GMT -5 zeewifeandmama said:

Aug 29, 2014 19:17:06 GMT -5 @wandering said:

The fuck? This is a thing? To kick someone out of a fun group?

What is going on in the world!

They don't need a response at all.

In my very limited moms group experience it seems to be that people get kicked out for non participation because the group is a closed group where you can't see their calendars pics etc... So that they know you aren't some creepy 40y/o guy that knows where a bunch of kids are together. That's how one group explained it to me.

Interesting. I think that's pretty sucky.

Well OP said she participated at least 3 times, so I assume they didn't get the pedophile vibe from her. Plus, do pedophiles really show up at play groups?

I mean pedophiles can just go hang out the park, library, water park, etc where kids are gathered all day every day. 

I understand making groups closed and invite only, but I don't understand what kicking someone out of a group accomplishes to make anyone safer. 

ETA: I guess I'm comparing this to soccer and social meet up groups I've been a part of. Some of them I've only participated a few times due to my schedule, but it's nice to try to stay in the loop with updates and attend when I can. But I guess the mom world is different!

[ECB]

Let it go. Find a group (or start one) that's a better fit.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't feel bad.

I got kicked out of MOPS for a similiar reason. For dumb. LOL.

I didn't hate it but I'll be honest. My MOPS group was a group of SAHM with too much time on their hands. To the extreme. Some of these girls would gush every week for the entire 2 hours about how this was their only outing of the week, they were so happy to be out etc. etc. etc.

I side-eyed. Then got kicked out.

They told me I didn't fit in because I had a part-time job and just wasn't as involved with my kids as them.I apparently wasn't taking play group seriously enough because due to my work schedule could only make it ever other time (twice a month).

Ok then.

I own it. I went with the wrong attitude. I was thinking "hmm. playgroup. The kids can play for 2 hours where I don't have to entertain them, I can have a cup of coffee in peace and talk to anyone other than my kids, maybe chat about what's new on pinterest!" (Or whatever the hell people chat about at these things). Ha.

Turns out not. These Moms were too Martyr-ish for Pinterest even.

My SIL, and another girl who is a transplant here started our own monthly playgroup night. The kids get lost in the farmyard for an hour and we chug wine. Much more style. No strings or cliques or attached.

[lilac05]

I think the email is worth it if you still want to be a part of the group. Definitely not sour grapes unless it's a nasty email (which your reasons are not).

I'm in a moms' group that is the same way. They explained it just like PP's group. It's not just pedophiles, but it helps the group feel closer/more comfortable with each other. If everyone in the group knows each other well and is committed to being a part of the group, they are more likely to come to others in the group for support. I like that only active members have access to my personal information, pictures of my kids, and knowledge of which activities we'll be attending.

On the other hand, I've been in your position, too. The group hasn't been a good fit at times. Sometimes I don't care to hang out with people who are members at that time. right now, we have a trend of SUPER conservative, gun-toting (one 24/7 on her body, including play dates, also mom's night out at a shooting range), Obama haters (as in HATE, not just disagree with) moms. My tolerance for them in a large group is pretty limited. Other times, play dates haven't fit my time/entertainment needs (though in our group, you can always host something).

That said, if you still want to be a part of the group, I think most groups will make exceptions if you just show interest in continuing to be a part of the group. Someone should have contacted you first, but they don't always do that in my group, either. Maybe you could offer to "host" a park play date at a park that is better for your child.

[ladygrey]

Thanks for all the responses. I most likely won't send the email, but it did feel good typing all of that out.

They are concerned about privacy with the FB group, which I totally understand.

I was hoping that as DD got older that the activities and schedule would be more appropriate/convenient, but it hasn't happened (and now won't).

I'm looking forward to other opportunities - we're signed up for ECFE classes in a few weeks, and also doing a music class and play group this fall, too!

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2014 20:34:44 GMT -5 ladygrey said:

Thanks for all the responses. I most likely won't send the email, but it did feel good typing all of that out.

They are concerned about privacy with the FB group, which I totally understand.

I was hoping that as DD got older that the activities and schedule would be more appropriate/convenient, but it hasn't happened (and now won't).

I'm looking forward to other opportunities - we're signed up for ECFE classes in a few weeks, and also doing a music class and play group this fall, too!

We do ECFE too. It's super fun and I like it. Other Moms, fun activities for the kids. It's also low stress and no pressure because it's all different moms from all different life aspects. There's some moms I could take or leave but there are others I really relate too. Becuase it's a school setting it's a lot less gossipy and cliquey too. 

[speckledfrog]

It's not uncommon for groups to have a participation requirement. Some are pretty lenient and some are pretty strict. I wouldn't bother with writing her back, just move on to a group that fits your needs better.

[jena]

Eh. It happens. I went through a few playgroups before I found one that fit me. One just didn't fit my schedule - almost everything was scheduled on one of the few days I worked. One I went to for at least 6 months, but I never really clicked with the women even though they were nice - they were nice but we just didn't have anything in common from parenting styles to age (they were mostly under 25 and I was... not). Another group was good but started fizzling out after a while. But one of the women from there started her own playgroup and that was great and lasted for about 2 years.

If you can't find one that suits you, go start one!

[ilikedonuts]

Does it say anything in the information about the ages?

I run a group and we at least specifically say that everything is geared towards ages 18-36 months (or at least kids that walk). We welcome anyone (as long as they attend something and pay their dues), but there isn't much to do for the younger kids. A lot of us have infants, but they are more along for the ride. We just want people to know ahead of time because I think it helps prepare them for who are members are (and their kids) and what we do.

If they didn't say that ahead of time, its not your fault. And attending 3 baby events to me is plenty and that's dumb that they kicked you out!

I am in charge of kicking people out in my group because my 4 other friends that run it with me are afraid of the backlash.

[noodleskooze]

I ran into the same problem when I tried to join a moms group this summer. I think until kids are down to one nap, you are really limited at which events you can attend. Maybe try again when the baby is older?

[meij]

I was in a similar situation once. They limited the group to forty moms so everyone knew each other and the group would be close. To keep the group small and involved We were required to attend two activities a month to remain active but majority of the activities were geared toward older preschool children and I was a member when DD was 12-18 months. Or they cost money I didn't want to spend on something DD was too young for/wouldn't enjoy. The rest of them involved potluck type food events and DD has a peanut allergy so those were really nerve wracking for me and I didn't want to do those. There were also caps on some of them, so like a play date one could only have six moms.

The last outing I remember going to was a meet up at the local frozen yogurt place. There were five moms there and no one talked to anyone! It was like they were all there to fulfill the requirement and get out of there. They had the rules to keep the group small and intimate and friendly, but no one was friendly. I quit soon after.

I was disappointed because I was new to the area and was looking to make some SAHM friends. But the activity requirement was stressful.

I might give feedback (activities need to span wider age group) but otherwise wouldn't worry about it.