Post by wildfloweragain on Aug 30, 2014 10:58:49 GMT -5
He's just trying to buy himself some time and space to figure out when and how. If he knows you won't expect if for a year he has breathing room to do it sooner.
I was ridiculous. Every wedding we went to I'd drink and get sappy and the evening would end with me crying about when will we get engaged.
Weddings are so much more fun now that we don't have that issue. Poor H.
It sounds like the talk went well and he's on the same page as you, but just wants to make it special and do it when the time is right. I'm in the same boat! I found the ring in the house 2 wks ago (well, the box. I couldn't bring myself to open it). I'm trying my best to be patient and let him do it how he wants to because I know that's important to him. Even though I can care less and just want to get on with it already.
Good luck waiting! It will definitely be worth it !
When I started getting serious w/now-dh, he asked me 'what would you say if I asked you to marry me?" and I told him to go fuck himself, and if he wanted to know the answer to the question of whether I would marry him he'd better have a license in hand and a judge lined up and be ready to go, because I was done playing what if someday we got married games with assholes. If this is genuinely distressing you, I'd take this tack with your boyfriend, and just say "look, don't talk about it till you're ready. I don't want to look at rings, or wedding sites, or talk about our possible kids 'someday'; ask me when you're ready, and if I still want to, I'll let you know, and we'll go from there". Just take it off the table. Right now, your bf is free to dither around because he already knows the answer; he's got the deal locked up, and you don't. Sucks to be in that spot.
All hail sue sue! This is what I wanted to say last night but had to go to bed. It is mean and unfair when it reaches the point of them getting all the fun of daydreaming and playing house (and they do have fun with it), while the other party is sitting around wondering if it is really going to happen...because seriously, no one KNOWS they will get married until they are actually in the process of getting married. It IS an uncertain time period. Now I'm wondering why we put up with it Lol!
I think you guys should be able to mutually decide when to get engaged and get married. If he's not ready now, that should be discussed but not in a "it's not happening for at least a year" way.
He can still propose and surprise you but it drives me nuts that we have this societal expectation that men get to decide when it's time to take the next step.
Agreed. We picked out and paid for the ring together (I also don't understand why that always falls on the man).
The ring happened to be ready the same day we were going to a baseball game. We picked up the ring, got our hot dogs and beer, and he "proposed". We aren't the most romantic people LOL.
I am probably obtuse but you want to marry him, he wants to marry you - this you agree on. Isn't that being engaged? Deciding you want to get married=engaged?
So it is really all about the formal proposal and ring at this point? And his wanting to control the timing so it is a surprise?
I am going to go with "if you have already decided you want to get married, you are engaged."
Post by compassrose on Aug 30, 2014 16:48:11 GMT -5
I think the issue is that men are under so much pressure to have a 'perfect' proposal, including the perfect ring, the perfect evening and it being a surprise. Which precludes planning it together.
I can't tell you how silly I think this is, but I understand it's an important ritual. If the ritual is important to you, try to be patient. I know it's hard. If you don't want the special proposal or don't think your SO is that into it either, tell him that and circumvent it. But if you think he wants to plan and surprise you, let him. This is the part that's about him, so let him have his moment in the sun.
Post by sapphireblue on Aug 30, 2014 17:30:11 GMT -5
littleduck That is a great story. How did you get that photo??? Cute photo...
My exH proposed to me without a ring, and then afterwards we went together and looked at rings and picked one out. I think that method was good in that I was SHOCKED at the proposal and that very strange waiting period didn't happen. It's a shitty and weird tense time, that waiting period. I have seen enough friends go through it to know, even if I didn't personally.
I can tell you that all of them, eventually, did get married. It sucks right now though, it is just a weird limbo.
I say if you're tired of waiting and of him being all wishy-washy about a proposal, jump in there and be the one to ask him. If not, just wait it out longer. If you get to a point where you think he's never going to ask, then sit down and have a talk. Tell him you're sick of waiting and if he's not going to get on board, then you're cutting bait. That might make him jump on it.
Also, and I'm not trying to be dismissive, but my friend was in your position. So she proposed. She got sick of waiting and not knowing and she wanted to be married, so she got a ring (that he eventually wore as his wedding band) and proposed. That's always an option, even if it's not one many women exercise.
jesus Christ thank you! !!! It's not 1945 any more.
Seriously, though, I think he's trying to throw you off. I've found that most of my customers are still looking for the element of surprise in a proposal, no matter how involved their SO is in finding a ring. Sometimes they design/choose it together, and sometimes he or she is coming in totally cloak-and-dagger with the other person having no clue that a ring is even being considered. It's rare that the actual proposal isn't a surprise, though.
Maybe I'm really old school, but it seems like the decision to marry is one that should be mutually agreed upon after an honest exchange of opinions on the particulars. The heavily orchestrated "official" or "public" knee drop with friends and family "in on the surprise" seems sort of high school prom-posal to me.
That said, DS came home from work yesterday all excited because he'd been roped into participating yesterday. He works at a local tourist railroad and was the official photographer for the day. A couple got on and the guy took DS aside and asked him to take the pictures when they got to a certain spot. DS said he got some great shots.
Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?
What? No.
You do not OWN A YEAR because someone put a ring on it.