Gonna lose my shit.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Warning: novel.

My shit might be already lost, y'all.

BF's sister got engaged while we were all at the zoo today. It was super cute and I actually got candids of her BF's proposal because he told me when he was about to do it. I love her, so yay!

Well, cue the motherfucking assholes making comments to me. "Pressure's on! Haven't they been together for a shorter time than you guys?"

Yes, motherfucker. But I'm 25 and they're 32 and we're different, you know?

But, guys? A secret part of me is dying. I WANT to be engaged. BF told me he was looking at rings last week, and this week? He was like "oh, yeah, it'll be over a year until it happens." WTFWTFWTFWTF. So I try to ask him about the contradictory statements, and he immediately is like, "We both know it's going to happen! Why do you care!?"

So now I'm reading Outlander and posting here and he's playing Madden and I'm so confused and sad.

[sarahbear]

He's lying. It's going to happen sooner. Hejust doesn't want you to know......... At least that was my first feeling.

[Captain Serious]

Could it be that he has to save up for the ring he'd like to get you and the anticipated costs of a wedding (not to mention of his sister's wedding)? Could he be throwing you off? Could he want to place some time between his engagement and his sister's?

I know you know all these things already. And I remember waiting and how hard it was, especially when he'd make contradictory statements. I'm sorry you are in that crappy period when you are hopeful and waiting, but he's not ready or seems to be taking his sweet time.

[speckledfrog]

Don't let other people dictate your timeline. You need to do what works for you and your partner. If you really don't think it's going to happen then have a frank conversation with him, but don't do it because someone else got engaged.

[dizzydee]

What's going to change if you do get engaged? Are you going to get married ASAP? Are you wanting kids soon? Like you said you're only 25, who cares what other people expect or think. If you are already living together not much changes being married or engaged. It will happen when he is ready, don't rush him.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Aug 29, 2014 23:34:39 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Could it be that he has to save up for the ring he'd like to get you and the anticipated costs of a wedding (not to mention of his sister's wedding)? Could he be throwing you off? Could he want to place some time between his engagement and his sister's?

I know you know all these things already. And I remember waiting and how hard it was, especially when he'd make contradictory statements. I'm sorry you are in that crappy period when you are hopeful and waiting, but he's not ready or seems to be taking his sweet time.

He's worried about the cost of the ring, but (and trust me, I am aware of how lucky we are), my parents are paying for the wedding and a HUGE part of the down payment when we buy a house. We have nothing to worry about in this regard and he knows it. So that just makes me think that he's not ready emotionally and that's what is bothering me.

Thanks for the kind words, though. I really mean that.

[TC]

Dude, the time period between knowing you are likely to get engaged and actually being asked is THE WORST. I think it drives everyone (who wants to get married) bat shit insane. I think it's one of the biggest pressure periods in any relationship, which is so frustrating because you KNOW you should be all breezy and enjoying each other and whatever.

In short, BOOOOOOOOOOO.

[livinitup]

I agree with TC.

[Captain Serious]

Aug 29, 2014 23:39:19 GMT -5 TC said:

Dude, the time period between knowing you are likely to get engaged and actually being asked is THE WORST. I think it drives everyone (who wants to get married) bat shit insane. I think it's one of the biggest pressure periods in any relationship, which is so frustrating because you KNOW you should be all breezy and enjoying each other and whatever.

In short, BOOOOOOOOOOO.

This is so true. I think the tension also causes more friction in healthy relationships than ever before.

[pantsparty]

Once you start looking for a ring, and a concrete timeline to proposal is not established, you are totally justified in being WTF??? about this.

Now, my H set it up so we looked at rings in the fall and he led me on to believe it would be the fall until he proposed. It ended up being the spring and it was a complete surprise. So that may be what he's thinking. I really did not put on any pressure during this time period because I wanted it to be HIS THING. I know that is easier said than done.

It's hard to be breezy during this time period :/

[onetruething]

Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?

[BaliHai]

Aug 30, 2014 0:00:01 GMT -5 onetruething said:

Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?

Sorry, W.T.Faulkner. Waiting is the worst. Waiting for something you know is going to happen, without knowing when, is even worse than that. Hopefully he's just trying to throw you off with his response last night.

[Monica Geller]

I remember this too!! We were 25 also if that makes you feel any better. It was a long 6 months from when we decided it "would" happen and when he finally proposed. He told me much later that he wanted it to be special and memorable and not rushed. And it was perfect.

I got sad and frustrated from time to time and you're allowed to be. Just also try to trust him and enjoy this time in your life as well.

[isabel]

Aug 29, 2014 23:38:54 GMT -5 dizzydee said:

What's going to change if you do get engaged? Are you going to get married ASAP? Are you wanting kids soon? Like you said you're only 25, who cares what other people expect or think. If you are already living together not much changes being married or engaged. It will happen when he is ready, don't rush him.

I have to agree with this. You already live together. Unless you're wanting to have a wedding ASAP, not much is going to change... Except for the dreaded wedding planning. I know how excited you are for this, but I really do think he has a plan and is likely trying to throw you off. I'm betting it will be worth the wait. Lots of hugs though, it's tough.

Also, I'm strongly reminded of the friends episode when chandler throws off Monica by telling her he doesn't believe in marriage and the plan totally backfires. It's making me laugh.

[fivechickens]

This is sort what happened with me. We had looked at rings, talked about what we liked, and then nothing. I was getting antsy so we talked about it. He made some vague 'it will happen, not any time soon, but it will happen...still gotta get that ring' comments.

We got engaged a couple weeks later.

[Eagles]

I hate that "When is it your turn?" shit. HATE. When they ask, tell them that you aren't interested in getting married until polygamy is legal in PA, because it wouldn't be fair to your sister wives.

Seriously, though, I think he's trying to throw you off. I've found that most of my customers are still looking for the element of surprise in a proposal, no matter how involved their SO is in finding a ring. Sometimes they design/choose it together, and sometimes he or she is coming in totally cloak-and-dagger with the other person having no clue that a ring is even being considered. It's rare that the actual proposal isn't a surprise, though.

[Deleted]

Waiting is the worst. H and I knew we wanted to get married a good year before he proposed. We were both poor, I was still in nursing school and he was working 2 jobs so he didn't have to finance a ring.
Here's a story for ya:
H came to visit me one weekend, and I just KNEW he was going to propose. He had all these dates planned for us, and he'd been talking that weekend up for almost a month. Then he didn't propose. I just about lost it! I was such a beebee, I picked a fight with him, asked him if he was EVER going to marry me or just wanted a forever girlfriend (guys, I was 25 years old LOL). He was completely calm and told me he would ask me to marry him when he was ready and the time was right. He surprised me two weeks later and proposed in my bedroom at my parent's house, before we went to the movies to see Scream 4. Turned out, he had my ring custom made and there was a problem with the setting, so it had to be reset. H was going to propose that first weekend, but when the ring wasn't ready, he didn't want to disappoint me and cancel the fun weekend he'd planned... Yeah, I felt like an asshole.

[olegregg]

I also remember all too well that waiting period. It was like 2 years, lol, during which we got into a few fights. My mom also was a huge nag at that time, since we lived together for 3 years before we got married. I'm sorry you're there right now, but hopefully he's just planning.

[cheeseandcrackers]

I am loling at the people that are saying "Ah, come on, what will change if you get engaged?? What's the big deal"? It's much more than just being engaged, it's just knowing.

Anyway.. I think you have a right to be annoyed since you guys went ring shopping..hopefully he has something up his sleeve.

[cville]

Aug 29, 2014 23:39:19 GMT -5 TC said:

Dude, the time period between knowing you are likely to get engaged and actually being asked is THE WORST. I think it drives everyone (who wants to get married) bat shit insane. I think it's one of the biggest pressure periods in any relationship, which is so frustrating because you KNOW you should be all breezy and enjoying each other and whatever.

In short, BOOOOOOOOOOO.

Yes.  Were my engagement not a total surprise, I'm sure I likewise would've been losing it.  Or if my husband had breathed a WORD of his plans.  He did not, because he knows what's good for him.

[underwaterrhymes]

Aug 30, 2014 0:00:01 GMT -5 onetruething said:

Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?

LOL!!

No.

[zitiqueen]

Aug 30, 2014 6:26:21 GMT -5 oceanspray said:

Aug 30, 2014 0:00:01 GMT -5 onetruething said:

Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?

This isn't The Knot. Jesus.

LOL. She wouldn't be hearing this on The Knot. She'd be hearing "BF's sister only gets one day, not an entire year. You can plan your wedding for whenever you want it to be." Unless you're talking about the website itself and not the message boards. Then she's be hearing that nonsense.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Thanks, guys. I know that part of the issue is that I can't stand uncertainty, and every decision we've made so far is a mutual one. I HATE when major decisions in my life are essentially left up to another person, so I'm not doing well with this.

We talked again last night and he reiterated that he does want to marry me and that I can expect a proposal in the relatively near future, but that he would like to keep the exact time to himself, because he does want there to be an element of surprise.

[lattes]

Tell them to shut the hell up

[cville]

Also, and I'm not trying to be dismissive, but my friend was in your position. So she proposed. She got sick of waiting and not knowing and she wanted to be married, so she got a ring (that he eventually wore as his wedding band) and proposed. That's always an option, even if it's not one many women exercise.

[CajunShrimp]

He may just want to surprise you. H and I discussed getting engaged around Thanksgiving, and he proposed Memorial Day weekend to surprise me. I hope you get a nice surprise!

He may want to give his sister a little time to enjoy being engaged first. Yeah, "you only get one day", blah blah blah, but that isn't always how it is IRL. Let the dust settle with her engagement, then you can have your moment too. But the waiting SUCKS.

[ilovecandy]

Aug 30, 2014 0:00:01 GMT -5 onetruething said:

Let me start by saying- I was the exact same way when it was my turn. But now that his sister's engaged I would think he'd wait until after her wedding for sure. This is her year, kwim?

I am a lurker but yeh no. My husband, his brother, and his cousin  all got engaged/proposed within months of each other.  And quite literally we had a wedding a month for three months that same year.  No one felt like anyone was overshadowing anyone else.  

[cville]

Aug 30, 2014 10:23:02 GMT -5 cjoy said:

Aug 30, 2014 10:12:30 GMT -5 cville said:

Also, and I'm not trying to be dismissive, but my friend was in your position. So she proposed. She got sick of waiting and not knowing and she wanted to be married, so she got a ring (that he eventually wore as his wedding band) and proposed. That's always an option, even if it's not one many women exercise.

This is insanity. What year do you think this is?!

Listen, the year starts with 20__.  That's, like, the future, man.

[SKP82]

Oh, man. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. I've been there, too, and the waiting for the ring stage DOES suck. Hang in there.

[pantsparty]

Aug 30, 2014 10:49:00 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I think you guys should be able to mutually decide when to get engaged and get married. If he's not ready now, that should be discussed but not in a "it's not happening for at least a year" way.

He can still propose and surprise you but it drives me nuts that we have this societal expectation that men get to decide when it's time to take the next step.

Well, I think in most cases it's because the guy is saving up for a ring.

Hell, if we were waiting for ME to save up for a ring, we probably still wouldn't be engaged. LOL.