NHG: I'm frustrated and hurt

[pumpkin]

I had dinner with my mother last night and she told me about how I need to do more to get my life together. She commented on my hair, my appearance in general, my mannerisms, how I interact with others, etc. I certainly felt like it was a dump on pumpkin dinner and it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I know that I've tried to hide from the world to some extent since my divorce, but also realize that when it started I was trying to protect and insult myself from more hurt and heartbreak.

I've come so far from where I once was and while I know that I have more to do, I was really hurt in that I've been making so much more of an effort lately and evidently she doesn't/hasn't seen any of that. I know my mom well and know she was just being honest and trying to be helpful because she loves me, but man it was a tough dinner and its something I can't get out of my head and my heart.

[davescatch]

That is really hard to take - I admire you for not bursting into a puddle of tears (I probably would). Her timing could have been a LOT better. I have zero advice either but sending good thoughts to you

[bunnymendelbaum]

I'm so sorry. You've been through a lot. I understand that she meant well, but it still hurts. Do you feel ready to step back into the world?

[raangoli]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I am sure it felt like an ambush rather than a heartfelt want to help you. Perhaps let her know how hurt you were and that you are trying. You've been through a lot, don't let it get you down. Hugs.

[dr.girlfriend]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. My mom is like that. Her idea of being helpful is telling me things like my wedding dress makes me look "chunky"(just a few days before the wedding, of course). It is coming from a place of love, but it is still really hurtful.

[Laura Palmer]

I am so sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry! Mothers can be the worst in this area, and mine is no exception to this. My mother is a good 80 or 90 pounds overweight. I am probably 40 pounds heavier than I should be. Who picks on who about extra weight? Yep. When I tell her it hurts my feelings and ask her to stop she says, "well, you've hurt my feelings before", as though she has to even the score. She once tried to pull my winter coat off me in 25 degree weather b/c she said it made me look fat.

In my mom's case I realize that she feels badly about herself and copes by projecting onto me. But with mothers in general, they think it comes from a place of love or concern and don't realize their words are hurtful and not easy to get out of your head. You do what YOU need to do and take the time YOU need to heal. It is your hurt to recover from, not hers. (((HUGS))).

[peach]

The fact that you didn't slap her or throw a fit when she did that to you = your personality and mannerisms are already pretty freaking amazing.

[policegirl402]

Sorry she made you feel that way. You said you have made some progress, So you should focus on that. Small steps are very important too!

[pumpkin]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I know that I 'should be' farther along this far out from my divorce, but I've worked hard to put my life back together. I have a job I mostly love, a condo, and a new car; I've been traveling and figuring out who I am. I know I still have things I need to work on. I'm back in counseling and working on me, but it was hard to hear and some of it she just doesn't get since she has never been overweight. I'd love to lose about 100 pounds, but I know I need to do it for me and I'm working on getting 'unstuck.'

Again, thanks for your kind words and letting me dump this here.