Self esteem is so weird. I can look at other girls and see how beautiful they are, but looking at myself, I see flaws. Flaws I don't notice on other women. It's just weird.
It truly is so weird. I look at pictures sometimes when I smile and I see that one eye closes more than the other and I focus on that. It's the weirdest fucking thing! If a friend told me that they focused on that I would be so sad and tell them how beautiful I think they are.
You are definitely not alone on this. My self-esteem issues is a major reason why I decided to keep going to therapy, even though I feel like I am in an ok place with the divorce. My therapist is so great, and she actually specialized in body issues/ED's, so she knows her shit.
Honestly, objectively, I know I am pretty, and I know that I am not even "fat"...I know that logically. But there is always that voice in my head that tells me I am gross, I am fat, on and on and on. The things I say to myself and so mean, I would never say them to another person.
And for me, its hard because I also just have a pretty negative self image over all. Not just physically, but in other areas too, and I am trying to work on that. My therapist actually said Vegas was a really good thing because he does remind me of my positive attributes, and sometimes it is okay if we need external validation. Sure, it is best if we can validate ourselves on our own, but outside perspective is good too.
So, I don't have advice because I am in the same, if not worse, boat than you. It sucks, but I try to go easy on myself. I have had decades of conditioning to feel badly about myself, it will take a while to break past that.
That's what I struggle with too. When I think about it logically I know I am attractive enough but I have a hard time internalizing that and combating the negative thoughts.
I've shared this before, but I met my bf when I had *just* walked out on a date in January. Date dude left and said he'd be right back, and after an amount of time that I decided was too long I left the bar and saw him in the parking lot in a car with his ex, fighting. I pranced over to another bar and that's where I met J. So...I don't judge that guy TOO much, maybe it wasn't going well. But the bringing him to your house thing? Dude. No. Stop that.
To me this is 100% okay because your date had ended before you met him.
For the details given it sounds like the guy gave his number to her in the middle of his date. That's different and a douche move.
That's what I struggle with too. When I think about it logically I know I am attractive enough but I have a hard time internalizing that and combating the negative thoughts.
Which I don't know...maybe that is even more frustrating. ts like I feel like I have two brains...the one that objectively knows things, and the other that has this warped version of reality.
It's been the hardest thing to deal with because I have no reason to believe what I believe. I know that it isn't because I have gained weight because even when I was 30lbs lighter, I still had all these thoughts.
Blergh...I just ignore most the time. Try to really hear what others tell me, because there is one thing I have learned about myself, the external validation is really important to me....shouldn't be, but it is, so whatever.
You are definitely not alone on this. My self-esteem issues is a major reason why I decided to keep going to therapy, even though I feel like I am in an ok place with the divorce. My therapist is so great, and she actually specialized in body issues/ED's, so she knows her shit.
Honestly, objectively, I know I am pretty, and I know that I am not even "fat"...I know that logically. But there is always that voice in my head that tells me I am gross, I am fat, on and on and on. The things I say to myself and so mean, I would never say them to another person.
And for me, its hard because I also just have a pretty negative self image over all. Not just physically, but in other areas too, and I am trying to work on that. My therapist actually said Vegas was a really good thing because he does remind me of my positive attributes, and sometimes it is okay if we need external validation. Sure, it is best if we can validate ourselves on our own, but outside perspective is good too.
So, I don't have advice because I am in the same, if not worse, boat than you. It sucks, but I try to go easy on myself. I have had decades of conditioning to feel badly about myself, it will take a while to break past that.
That's what I struggle with too. When I think about it logically I know I am attractive enough but I have a hard time internalizing that and combating the negative thoughts.
Word for word! I know in my head that I am relatively pretty, but what I see daily doesn't affirm that. It's so strange and something that I need to work on.
I guess my flameful is that I don't think liu's guy is that horrible. I am going to assume the second date wasn't going well or I am not sure how they would have even started chatting. A second date is pretty low commitment. If he was on a date with his girlfriend it would be another story.
Now if the date WAS going well and he just snuck off to hit on other girls and plans to keep seeing his date.... Then that's douchy.
I don't think it was great but not awful. But she was just complaining guys don't take her on dates. She obviously invited him over instead of him inviting her to dinner or a drink. If she sets the bar that low she will consistently find men who are unwilling or unable to treat a woman well.
Oh, you're right about that. And I don't think picking up guys who are already on dates is ideal, either, just that depending on the circumstances of the date, it didn't mean he was a shitbag either. I just think it's funny sometimes what gets tons of "OMG" responses. Maybe I'm too laid back but there are a lot of things I don't see as a big deal that others seem to.
I have things I need to get done at work before I leave for the airport, but alas I'm on here as well as staring at the resort I'll be landing at in approximately 24 hours. I also cancelled (non essential) meetings so I can still go on a long lunch with my work bestie for lobster rolls! Yea I'm pretty much check out and on vacation already...
I don't think it was great but not awful. But she was just complaining guys don't take her on dates. She obviously invited him over instead of him inviting her to dinner or a drink. If she sets the bar that low she will consistently find men who are unwilling or unable to treat a woman well.
Oh, you're right about that. And I don't think picking up guys who are already on dates is ideal, either, just that depending on the circumstances of the date, it didn't mean he was a shitbag either. I just think it's funny sometimes what gets tons of "OMG" responses. Maybe I'm too laid back but there are a lot of things I don't see as a big deal that others seem to.
I'm okay being uptight, or not breezy in this situation. She posted it in a flameful post. She knew it was flameful. I always think it's funny when people seem to think we won't flame flameful thing posted in a flameful. That's the whole point of a flameful!
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Sept 12, 2014 12:51:49 GMT -5
I am way too terrified of being murdered to invite a random stranger into my home (I've posted about this before). I am well aware that I watch too much SVU and Criminal Minds.
I am way too terrified of being murdered to invite a random stranger into my home (I've posted about this before). I am well aware that I watch too much SVU and Criminal Minds.
99% of the time I went to his house for any one night stands. I HAVE had guys I met only once before come to my house to pick me up for a date or something. I had roommates that I hope would call 911 if anything happened. Orrrr I'd have just gotten them murdered too.
I went to a baseball game last night and I am majorly paying for it today! I am sitting in my office with the door closed and my phone privacy button on so no one can intercom me. 1 hour and 56 minutes to go!
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Sept 12, 2014 13:04:19 GMT -5
jojoandleo - I posted about this before. Since I met my XH in high school I completely missed out on college/young adult/older adult one night stands and how dating is/should be done. I admit that I am overly anxious about it. It doesn't help that I enjoy watching crime shows where pretty much every date/one night stand/pizza delivery/repair appointment ends with someone dying.
I am way too terrified of being murdered to invite a random stranger into my home (I've posted about this before). I am well aware that I watch too much SVU and Criminal Minds.
99% of the time I went to his house for any one night stands. I HAVE had guys I met only once before come to my house to pick me up for a date or something. I had roommates that I hope would call 911 if anything happened. Orrrr I'd have just gotten them murdered too.
When I first had Vegas over, he was like "man, you are trusting to just give out your address to practically a stranger" I said, meh...I mean, if I get murdered by a serial killer who gets to his victims by pretended in date them, at least it will be on the news? Maybe a Lifetime movie? lol
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Sept 12, 2014 13:07:28 GMT -5
jigsy - who do you want to play you? Keep in mind that they need to be on the level of Lifetime movies, possibly premium cable if the guy ends up being a serial killer and super famous.
Self esteem is so weird. I can look at other girls and see how beautiful they are, but looking at myself, I see flaws. Flaws I don't notice on other women. It's just weird.
It truly is so weird. I look at pictures sometimes when I smile and I see that one eye closes more than the other and I focus on that. It's the weirdest fucking thing! If a friend told me that they focused on that I would be so sad and tell them how beautiful I think they are.
I do this too lol. My left eye always closes a bit more when I smile. If I notice it in a pic I'm all "omg I'm grotesque!!" And then I'll start thinking "you're not that pretty". Ugh.
jigsy - who do you want to play you? Keep in mind that they need to be on the level of Lifetime movies, possibly premium cable if the guy ends up being a serial killer and super famous.
I feel like someone like Tiffany Amber Theissan would be great...maybe even a January Jones...I like the idea of the person playing me to actually be really terrible. LOL.
I just spent an embarrassing amount of time looking at every.single.picture from my childhood friends recent wedding. Should I ever have a wedding, it's basically going to be a carbon copy of hers, it was so rustic and beautiful and perfect. It looked like Pinterest in real life.
99% of the time I went to his house for any one night stands. I HAVE had guys I met only once before come to my house to pick me up for a date or something. I had roommates that I hope would call 911 if anything happened. Orrrr I'd have just gotten them murdered too.
I feel more comfortable at my house. I have a panic button for my alarm, a large dog and I know there are no weapons. I wouldn't invite someone over if I thought any of that was an issue, but I feel more safe than with the unknown.
My reason really has nothing to do with safety and everything to do with the ability to bone and leave. I'm pretty sure the guys would have just left after anyway, but I like to pretend my vagina is liquid gold and they wouldn't be able to leave me. Lol. Plus I was usually drunk and I'm bad giving directions sober.