How would you advise my friend?

[mrsrumfkin]

*poof* Thank you all for the suggestions and thoughts. I know it probably did sound like I'm "breezy" about the whole situation, but I'm not. I wanted the post to be about the situation she's going through... not my thoughts on it. 

There's the unfortunate factor that she lives in another state, so I can't physically help at the moment. I will do whatever necessary once she makes a decision. 

[sofamonkey]

Sept 16, 2014 0:27:16 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

I would advise her to trust her gut about the baby.

And to get the f away from this guy.

This x 1,000.  Maybe have a girl's night - movies, silliness, and a safe & stress free night at your house. 

[awick14]

Sept 16, 2014 0:27:16 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

I would advise her to trust her gut about the baby.

And to get the f away from this guy.

I also agree with this.

[mrsukyankee]

Tell her to find a therapist to talk to. This isn't a decision to make lightly and it sounds like there are a ton of things going on right now that she need a professional's help to get through.

[Kristinmo]

She needs to get the fuck away from him. He needs to learn to care for himself before he can be in a healthy relationship and take care of a child.

[ECB]

Amaybe she needs to hear from someone what they really think about him. Being a friend is sometimes saying the hard stuff.

[VillainV]

How far along is she?

I think most pregnant women have that panic of "oh shit what am I getting myself into?" But what you are describing doesn't sound quite like that. It sounds like she's beginning to realize that maybe she doesn't want to be with this guy forever, and that even if they break up, having a child together might mean that she is always tied to him.

I think individual counseling is a good idea.

[wysiwyg]

If she doesn't want a baby, she doesn't have to have one. There isn't anything wrong with that.

She needs to get away from this guy, pronto. He threatened her life.

[Captain Serious]

Here's the hard thing: loving someone who's mentally ill does not mean you have to keep yourself in an abusive relationship with them. So many people do not understand this because they truly love their abuser and, being the mentally sound one in the relationship, understand that the other person would never do the terrible abusive things if they were not mentally ill. As a result, they feel somehow obligated to stay with them, to prove their live and continue their support, and leave themselves in increasingly more dangerous situations.

It is a far better demonstration of your love, of yourself and your partner, to get out. Perhaps that becomes the straw that forces them to a reckoning, their rock bottom that makes them decide to begin treatment. Perhaps not. But either way, it is the only possible healthy situation. And no baby should be raised in that kind of relationship. It's asking for a lifetime of pain and regret.

Please be honest with her. Be gentle, so she's receptive, but be honest and encouraging. Let her know that you understand her motives until now were all motivated by love, but she must now face the true facts, whether she decides to parent or not, and accept that no matter how much love she has for this man, she must love herself at least as much, and get out of this unhealthy situation, rather than yoking herself even more closely to this man.

[Booze Raccoon]

She needs to get away from him baby or not.

[Captain Serious]

I just read more closely and saw that he did start treatment and send to have been better lately, but I stand by what I wrote. Unless she feels completely secure, which it sounds like she still does not, she needs to leave, or at the very least, at least not parent with him.

Babies only as stress to relationships. Doing so to an already shaky, possibly still abusive relationship, is a recipe for disaster.

[fivechickens]

What does she mean nothing triggered her thoughts on not wanting the baby? Whether she wants to admit it to herself the episode in the kitchen with the fork and the 'pretend' stabbing and the blackout drunken nights have triggered this.

Its hard to read tone in a post but, as her friend seem really kind of breezy about this. Things are not going to be fine. Bringing a baby into a normal healthy respectful non-stabbing with a fork relationship can cause issues, its going to cause even more issues in and an already issue filled relationship. She needs to get away from him ASAP.

Also, as her friend, you need to tell her how you feel. You don't have to say 'he's an fucking asshole dickhole' but you can word it in a nonconfrontational way 'I worry about you' 'baby will bring more stress' 'i am here for you'.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, Its early, and I am tired.