If/When you have preteens and teenagers

[CurlyQ284]

Who pays for the bill and who paid for the phone?

I am pro-checking.

[speckledfrog]

Only if they have done something to violate my trust in them

[Deleted]

I don't think I would unless I had a reason not to trust them. But I am so far from having teens and preteens, I sort of have my head in the sand about what it's going to be like.

[CurlyQ284]

Sept 16, 2014 13:11:08 GMT -5 bricco said:

Sept 16, 2014 13:08:55 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Who pays for the bill and who paid for the phone?

Doesn't even matter.

Children get no expectation of privacy for electronic devices. There's too much that could go wrong with improper use.

I agree but in addition to the fact that they are minors it's kind of like how you don't get privacy on a company computer you know?

In the court of parenting this is my precedent lol.

[wambam]

Sept 16, 2014 13:10:07 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Only if they have done something to violate my trust in them

This.

Also, I thought this said If/Then, and I was really excited we were going to talk about musicals.

[Deleted]

Mostly likely yes.

[circa1978]

If I had a specific reason to, yes. Otherwise, I don't see me or his dad spot checking him like that as a teenager. As a preteen, maybe.

[miniroller]

My friend w/ 4!!! teens checks. They pay, & they've discovered sexting on one & a pic on another's. I know they randomly match up the number of texts from the bill w/ number on the phone to make sure there were no deletions (that has been disallowed).
This non-mom is still uber-naively hoping for a swing back to 1950's culture in the next 2-5 years. That's not wishful thinking, right? RIGHT?!?!

[Chirp]

BF has a 12 year old and a 14 year old, both boys. They're both subject to random searches at any time, for any reason. This goes for bedroom, phones, laptops, as well as all email, texts and social media (facebook, instagram, kik, snapchat, etc... I don't remember all the app names).

They're minors. They have no privacy.

[lulu13]

I have full access to my DD's texts Instagram account.

Though she has lost both for this week (not for any shenanigans but because of a less than stellar test score).

[shell24]

I believe my kids have a certain right to privacy.  

If I have reason to be suspicious I will check, as well as snoop in their rooms lol. 

Otherwise, I will respect their privacy.  I already knock before I enter my kids rooms

They are 6, 4 and 1, I reserve the right to change my mind as they get older!  

[mrsjuleshs]

I was definitely more strict on checking when she was in jr. high. She doesn't really give me reasons not to trust her and some of the things she tells me about her friends and all the stuff going on at school is pretty crazy/things I really don't want to know, but I am glad she is willing to talk to me. I do have her password and can check it whenever I want. She's on super good behavior because if the school coach even hears about her being at a party or somewhere not appropriate or engaging in inappropriate activities she is DONE.

[lulu13]

Sept 16, 2014 13:11:30 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

I don't think I would unless I had a reason not to trust them. But I am so far from having teens and preteens, I sort of have my head in the sand about what it's going to be like.

This is where I thought I would be but then found out you have to consider what is being sent to her. She has been included on group texts with kids she doesn't even know.

[kwx2]

I was really bad with doing this when DD got her first few phones. I used to check all the time. She is 17 now, and I very rarely check. She gives me no reason to, so I say trust until you can't. I have access to everything, twitter, snapchat, fb, instagram, whatever else I am forgetting, and I have never really had a reason to continue to check....

[Deleted]

I don't know if C will get a phone/text option before he's a teen/high school (he's 4). We'll see what happens in the next 10yrs before it happens, and also how responsible he turns out to be over time. But he will get notice from us that we have the right to check at any time, and we'd probably only do so if there was reason/concern. I'm hoping over the next few years we'll keep developing trust and open communication so we don't feel we have to check, but time will tell.

[itsme]

I spot check my teen's text messages and social media accounts. it's not an everyday thing. I have found out some very concerning things/behaviors by doing this. I don't really search her room but sometimes I know she stole something from me and I have to or she is hiding one of electronic devices that we took from her. She thinks she's sneaky but she sucks at it.

[CurlyQ284]

Sept 16, 2014 13:28:30 GMT -5 lulu13 said:

Sept 16, 2014 13:11:30 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

I don't think I would unless I had a reason not to trust them. But I am so far from having teens and preteens, I sort of have my head in the sand about what it's going to be like.

This is where I thought I would be but then found out you have to consider what is being sent to her. She has been included on group texts with kids she doesn't even know.

We are having issues with this literally right now. SD2 will not stop hanging out with this bad influence girl. She's no longer allowed to see her after school hours at her mom's house but she still sees her in school and this girl brings a host of other bad influence kids. All this culminated in being summoned to the vice principals office last week.

DH and ExW are meeting up Friday to discuss further action but both girls will have changes to their phones. DH is an IT guy and had already worked up their netbooks.

[dragonfly08]

We'll likely have the same policy we currently have with DD #1s iPod (she is almost 11).

Email/texts *could* theoretically be checked at any time. DH and I are of the opinion that we won't actually exercise that right just because, but only if DD gives us reason to think we need to. Meaning so far, we have not actually checked. We do randomly make sure she hasn't changed the password without telling us, though (b/c she's been caught doing so a couple of times and it's a good reminder for her).  Plus her internet access cuts off shortly before bedtime and doesn't start again until after she's left for school, so we eliminate the temptation of hidden late-night messaging.

[lulu13]

Sept 16, 2014 13:41:00 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Sept 16, 2014 13:28:30 GMT -5 lulu13 said:

This is where I thought I would be but then found out you have to consider what is being sent to her. She has been included on group texts with kids she doesn't even know.

We are having issues with this literally right now. SD2 will not stop hanging out with this bad influence girl. She's no longer allowed to see her after school hours at her mom's house but she still sees her in school and this girl brings a host of other bad influence kids. All this culminated in being summoned to the vice principals office last week.

DH and ExW are meeting up Friday to discuss further action but both girls will have changes to their phones. DH is an IT guy and had already worked up their netbooks.

I am finding this to be the suckiest part of parenting thus far. Before, I was her "person" and though we are still really close and we really have a great relationship she has separated a lot from me recently. Her friends have become super important and I get that but I can't control other kids texts, instagrams etc. It's such a shift to go from it being us to it being her and her friends and >>>>>>me. Like I said she's a great kid but I do miss when there were just play dates after school with my friends kids. LOL

[no0b]

This would be situational for me. If I felt it was necessary I would certainly do so if I am paying the bill.

[thebreakfastclub]

My boss has 5 kids. She gets an emailed report from Verizon monthly that lists each kid's incoming/outgoing phone numbers, ranked by most activity.

She also disables devices from 9pm - 7am, although they still work to call certain pre-determined phone numbers.

I like to think I would start with measures like this, but who knows.

[mrsjuleshs]

Sept 16, 2014 13:32:09 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Sept 16, 2014 13:27:51 GMT -5 mrsjuleshs said:

I was definitely more strict on checking when she was in jr. high. She doesn't really give me reasons not to trust her and some of the things she tells me about her friends and all the stuff going on at school is pretty crazy/things I really don't want to know, but I am glad she is willing to talk to me. I do have her password and can check it whenever I want. She's on super good behavior because if the school coach even hears about her being at a party or somewhere not appropriate or engaging in inappropriate activities she is DONE.

My son talks openly with me about a LOT of stuff. He is a pretty good kid. He comes home on time, and I know all of his friends. 

My daughter though, she is so sneaky. She doesn't want me getting to know her friends (even though when I eventually do, they're totally fine), or knowing where she's going or what she's doing. I obviously don't let her do things unless I know where she is going and what she is doing, but she fights me on it every single time. 

Maybe I'm naive on not worrying as much about my son as my daughter, but seriously, if you act sneaky and guilty, I'm going to scrutinize you more. 

I'm sure there has been some sneakiness but usually she is just honest.  Guess the party she & her bff went to Sat night was not exactly what they expected and she made her bff bring her home because she didn't want to be around idiots smoking weed or drinking. I've tried to make her understand "guilty by association" and also that even if she trusts these kids, she is little and some random football player could get it in his head while drunk that he wants more than her friendship and she would probably not be able to fight him off.  All I can do is trust till she gives me red flags and hope that she is making good choices.  No teenager is perfect.

[acuore]

Sept 16, 2014 13:10:07 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Only if they have done something to violate my trust in them

This is where I am. 

[speckledfrog]

Sept 16, 2014 13:26:46 GMT -5 shell24 said:

I believe my kids have a certain right to privacy.  

If I have reason to be suspicious I will check, as well as snoop in their rooms lol. 

Otherwise, I will respect their privacy.  I already knock before I enter my kids rooms

They are 6, 4 and 1, I reserve the right to change my mind as they get older!  

I also knock on his door.  Seems like a good precedent to set. 

[mrsjuleshs]

Sept 16, 2014 14:09:57 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

mrsjuleshs

I was talking to G (my older daughter) a few weeks ago about sexting and being smart on the internet, and it ended up branching out to being smart and aware when you're out and about also. Anyway, G says "Mrs. ____ said the same things. I'm not sure if you guys are both smart and right, or if this is just stuff you're supposed to say because you're adults and don't want us doing things." ughhh.

WOW! The answer is always that you are smart!   Mine knows all about sexting after some kids started rumors about her in 8th grade. Luckily those got squashed real fast. Also, she told me all about a girl in her class who is knocked up "and how dumb can you be to do something stupid like that and screw up your life". She broke up with her former BFF because the girl started sleeping around and experimenting with drugs and smoking and drinking. I know she's had alcohol in the past but thankful that she so far <knocks on wood> gets IT! I have shared some of the dumb stuff I did as a teenager so she hopefully understands that I get it, I remember what it was like but I want better for her. 

[game blouses]

I totally plan on random phone checks. Less to actually find information, and more to let them know I'm looking. If they've got nothing to hide, it's not an issue.

[auntie]

Terms of use include my access to all electronic communication and social networking sites until adulthood.

It's scary out there. We had a facebook and you tube channel bullying incident in 9th grade where a nasty kid made an ass out of DS publically. He and some friends, sucked helium and did imitations of DS who hadn't hit puberty yet. Then they pretended to be his friend and recorded him doing imitations of his teachers and swearing. Comments from his fellow band members and boy scouts cut like a knife.

I produced screen shots and downloaded their video clips for the school's resource officer and band teacher. I wasn't able to share with the perp's mom because her older son shares a dx with DS- they did social skills group together for years- she would have been crushed that her son had rounded on mine. I asked one of my older scouts to get the boys from the troop to take down their mean-spirited comments.

[rosiebear]

I have access to my d's instagram and to both my son's and daughter's emails, but I rarely check. I also believe that they are more than capable of having an online presence I know nothing about. I don't think they are doing that, but I know kids who had their "official" fb page (back when kids used fb), that they let their parents see, and then their real one they used to communicate with friends.

I do what I can, but I also know I can only do so much, and that we are quickly reaching the point where their friends have a lot more influence than I do. It's terrifying.