In-law vent thread

[StrawberryBlondie]

This was cathartic the last time we did this, so post your in-law vents here.

I'll start.

We have a family thing this weekend. Every family thing has to be a fucking all day affair. For this one, we're told snacks are at 3 and dinner at 7. I have a baby that can only be up about 2-3 hrs at a will only sleep in a few places, and goes to bed at 8. And it takes about an hour to get her to bed. The last family event with a similar timeline had dinner not even started cooking until 30 minutes after the designated eating time. And the hosts took offense when we asked if dinner was going to be cooked anytime soon.

They Do. Not. Understand. why we won't just put her to bed at their house. And then apparently wake her 1 hr later to bring her home and go through the bed process again. Or why we don't just keep her up later. They have kids of their own too. And get offended when we don't do things the way they think we should.

I want to skip this thing so badly. These things were annoying pre-baby. They're downright exhausting post-baby.

Same folks came over when H was 2 weeks old and would not leave despite us repeatedly saying how tired we were, repeated yawning, my falling asleep at the kitchen table, and ultimately a screaming, tired & hungry baby. Then got offended when we kicked them out because they thought we would "visit" after dinner.

[lasagnasshole]

My in-laws are very nice, but they are so boring. When they came for Thanksgiving, we did some touristy stuff and then they basically sat on the couch and watched TV from noon on Saturday until they left on Sunday evening.

We are going to them for Thanksgiving. I'm already bored just thinking about it.

[heyjude]

Don't go. Or leave before bedtime. Baby's sleep comes before all else.

[aurora]

I would go for the snacks and leave in time to get your baby to bed on time at home. They can rant all they want, but nothing they say can actually impact your plans unless you give them that power. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to learn to let go of worrying about them being unreasonably offended by you making the best decisions about your family.

[ECB]

Let them be mad. Really, let them. Worry about what works best for you and your child. It's on them if they don't understand.

These days I feel guilty venting about my ILs a my MIL is sick. Physically she's recovering well, but her depression is taking a STRONG hold.

But my vent- if you give FIL an inch, he takes a mile. DH is off 2 weeks at a time. As such, he's been tryng to go down and see his mom as much as possible. But we both know that when he backs off doing this, his dad will be all flumoxed and wonder why DH can't drive down there (an hour away) EVERY day to see them. Even though he has a family and a life of his own. DH will still go down as he can, but this every day thing isn't going to be sustained in the long term. But FIL won't "get" that, because he never does.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Sept 17, 2014 13:09:13 GMT -5 aurora said:

I would go for the snacks and leave in time to get your baby to bed on time at home. They can rant all they want, but nothing they say can actually impact your plans unless you give them that power. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to learn to let go of worrying about them being unreasonably offended by you making the best decisions about your family.

Im not actually worried. We do what we want and deal with the fallout. The fallout always is so dramatic, though.

This is one of those times I wish we didn't have a "you deal with your family" rule. I'm a bitch and would have no problem telling them to stfu. My DH is like the nicest guy ever and really hates doing things like that. So we do what we want, they get offended, and then he gets bombarded with "we need to talk about how you're alienating the family" conversations. Most recently it was a lunch that I was specifically not invited to. Which he listens to, explains his "side" but goes no further. Then vents to me when he's off the phone.

ETA: he's tried telling them he won't listen or discuss, and then either walked out or hung up when they continued. It literally does nothing.

They're a pretty close family and DH is the youngest. I think they think he's still 12 and he has to do what they want.

[heyjude]

I hate the "you deal with your family rule" developed by the nest. Sometimes you have to just take charge of the IL drama to save your own sanity!

[Velar Fricative]

I actually have vents now because my otherwise-lovely ILs have gotten on my last damn nerve since we moved in with them a few weeks ago.

There are little things that really grate on me that have become Bitch Eating Crackers things because of the bad political argument we had about a week ago. I mentioned in this another thread but MIL said we should drop an atomic bomb on all the Muslims and that she's not going to be sorry about anything just because she's white. She's never remotely said anything like this before but I guess seeing her every day uncovers all the crazy.

I think we may be moving out within 2-3 weeks because the mortgage paperwork process has been pretty soon so they anticipate a closing at the end of the month or early next month. I CAN'T WAIT.

[iammalcolmx]

Whenever we travel overseas and get an apartment they NEVER pick places with more than one Bathroom. Only one bathroom at their friends places in France( Paris and the South of France) where we don't have to pay a dime.

These be my complaints, so as you see I don't have any, LOL!!!

[ECB]

Sept 17, 2014 13:19:02 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

This is one of those times I wish we didn't have a "you deal with your family" rule.

Maybe you need to lift this rule once!   

ETA: and also - when they invite DH to one of these "lunches", he just needs to be busy.  The less he puts himself out there, the less they can gripe to him alone.

[iammalcolmx]

Sept 17, 2014 13:22:59 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I frequently have moments where I'm like, "How did this possibly work for you all when DH was a baby."  Like, MIL on Sunday gave PTS a DVD but told her not to watch it until Monday evening when she was planning to come over for dinner.  They do other stuff like that.  Like around the holidays, lay out a pile of chocolate and then tell the kids they can't eat it until after dinner.  Which will be served in three hours, give or take an hour.  How did they do this stuff when DH was a kid?  How on EARTH did it work for them then?  

To your point StrawberryBlondie , I get you, I really do.  Go for snacks.  Come home.  Refuse to even listen to criticism about it.  

AGAIN?? Didn't she do this before?

[downtoearth]

You would hate me StrawberryBlondie.  My sister is a slave to bedtimes, but my 3 kids have never had a strict schedule and can sleep at anyone's house or I have even worn them during dinner parties so I could stay later.  I don't accommodate my sister when she visits either b/c we just always eat late and start socializing late, so, I probably wouldn't accommodate your kids schedule either.

 *|Ducks out before I get a dirty diaper thrown at me.|*

[IIOY]

Last weekend I had a minor epiphany when I realized that FIL doesn't actually care about my children. He is a huge believer in family and familial obligation, but for him, having grandchildren is just something to be checked off his life to-do list.

This realization doesn't make me mad because we all have our preferred things in life and children don't need to be among them. I don't hassle anyone for not being all about the kiddos. However, it made me a sad that he is the one we live close to, whereas my parents, who are crazy about my children, live so far away.

[iammalcolmx]

Sept 17, 2014 13:32:13 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Sept 17, 2014 13:27:09 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

AGAIN?? Didn't she do this before?

No.  Before she just told PTS that she owned Frozen and that PTS could have it after she came over and watched it with her.  

This time she handed her a movie (rented?) but told her to wait to watch it until she came over.

So the bitch is getting worse? Don't ever let me see her mmmmmkay?

[downtoearth]

Sept 17, 2014 13:22:49 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Whenever we travel overseas and get an apartment they NEVER pick places with more than one Bathroom. Only one bathroom at their friends places in France( Paris and the South of France) where we don't have to pay a dime.

These be my complaints, so as you see I don't have any, LOL!!!

Yeah, I'm with you. My inlaws bought all three kids their season passes for skiing this year - not to mention the multiple nights stays at condos for ski weekends where we have only 2 bedrooms and a loft for everyone.  LOL.

[heyjude]

Sept 17, 2014 13:31:18 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Last weekend I had a minor epiphany when I realized that FIL doesn't actually care about my children. He is a huge believer in family and familial obligation, but for him, having grandchildren is just something to be checked off his life to-do list.

This realization doesn't make me mad because we all have our preferred things in life and children don't need to be among them. I don't hassle anyone for not being all about the kiddos. However, it made me a sad that he is the one we live close to, whereas my parents, who are crazy about my children, live so far away.

This is my FIL. He can't even get off the fucking phone when we visit or get up from his nap. And my parents are just gaga over her. And you wonder who she likes more?

[Deleted]

I would normally have complaints but FIL just came over and did two days of landscaping with DH and MIL takes me out for ice cream every week, so I'm pretty much good.

But Christmas is coming, so I'll get my complaints ready. The holidays always send me over the edge with FIL.

[downtoearth]

Sept 17, 2014 13:34:05 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Sept 17, 2014 13:30:32 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

You would hate me StrawberryBlondie.  My sister is a slave to bedtimes, but my 3 kids have never had a strict schedule and can sleep at anyone's house or I have even worn them during dinner parties so I could stay later.  I don't accommodate my sister when she visits either b/c we just always eat late and start socializing late, so, I probably wouldn't accommodate your kids schedule either.

 *|Ducks out before I get a dirty diaper thrown at me.|*

You're kind of a shitty host to your sister.  But as long as you wouldn't throw a bunch of drama your sister's way if she declined an invitation to your house, you're still doing better than SB's ILs.

Yup, this I will agree with.  I'm not proud of being unaccommodating, but we have 9 nephews/nieces and 7+ adults to host during my family's get-togethers and so each person hosting gets to plan their own thing on their own schedule and we're pretty good about not feeling bad if someone declines or ducks out early (or even brings their own special food to the party).  My sister would probably bring it up that she'd want an earlier time, but I'd just offer her the number of our sitter or let her know that the baby is welcome to sleep at our house or cuddled in our arms/carrier during the social event. 

Oh, but I can vent about my BIL - he's an in-law, right?  Recently my younger sister flew out to another state to visit a dying friend and to visit my older sister and her family.  My BIL was not only an ass to his wife (older sister), but also skipped the only dinner that he was planning to have with my younger sister and didn't even call his wife to let her know that he was going to ditch and not come home for a 6:30 dinner until around 9:30pm (when he still wasn't home and hadn't returned texts/calls between 6:30 and 9:30).  Then my little sister heard him complaining to my older sister when he got home about "how inconsiderate YOUR family is for not waiting for me to have dinner."  Plus he slept on the couch b/c he was mad at my older sister for that.  I feel so bad for my older sister that she puts up with crap like this ALL THE TIME.

[IIOY]

Sept 17, 2014 13:35:46 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Sept 17, 2014 13:31:18 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Last weekend I had a minor epiphany when I realized that FIL doesn't actually care about my children. He is a huge believer in family and familial obligation, but for him, having grandchildren is just something to be checked off his life to-do list.

This realization doesn't make me mad because we all have our preferred things in life and children don't need to be among them. I don't hassle anyone for not being all about the kiddos. However, it made me a sad that he is the one we live close to, whereas my parents, who are crazy about my children, live so far away.

This is my FIL. He can't even get off the fucking phone when we visit or get up from his nap. And my parents are just gaga over her. And you wonder who she likes more?

My FIL will pay some attention to them when he comes over, but his preferred activity is to sit and watch TV while he is here, which is what he does all day long at home.  He never asks to come to their sports practices or matches, or school events, he rarely asks what they are learning in school, and only twice that I can recall has he invited the kids and me to do something with him during all the years and summers they weren't in school.

Like I said, I'm not mad at him, but it stands in such sharp contrast with my parents (and my deceased MIL), and I worry about my kids picking up on this some day and being sad that Grandpop really doesn't give a shit about them.  Listening to H talk about his father being absent from so much of his childhood, I have realized that FIL probably never even wanted kids to begin with.  It's kind of sad that he's going through life simply fulfilling obligations dictated by the Church.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Sept 17, 2014 13:30:32 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

You would hate me StrawberryBlondie.  My sister is a slave to bedtimes, but my 3 kids have never had a strict schedule and can sleep at anyone's house or I have even worn them during dinner parties so I could stay later.  I don't accommodate my sister when she visits either b/c we just always eat late and start socializing late, so, I probably wouldn't accommodate your kids schedule either.

 *|Ducks out before I get a dirty diaper thrown at me.|*

I'm not asking for any accommodation. I get that people's kids are different and mine is really finicky. I'm asking that it not be The Biggest Deal Ever when we have to do skip out on something because of baby. Or other obligations for that matter.

[summer]

My MIL told me, and only me, that she is leaving FIL after the holidays. She already has a place.

Shit is about to get real.

[IIOY]

Sept 17, 2014 14:28:52 GMT -5 summer said:

My MIL told me, and only me, that she is leaving FIL after the holidays. She already has a place.

Shit is about to get real.

You win.

[jeaniebueller]

Sept 17, 2014 13:22:59 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I frequently have moments where I'm like, "How did this possibly work for you all when DH was a baby."  Like, MIL on Sunday gave PTS a DVD but told her not to watch it until Monday evening when she was planning to come over for dinner.  They do other stuff like that.  Like around the holidays, lay out a pile of chocolate and then tell the kids they can't eat it until after dinner.  Which will be served in three hours, give or take an hour.  How did they do this stuff when DH was a kid?  How on EARTH did it work for them then?  

To your point StrawberryBlondie , I get you, I really do.  Go for snacks.  Come home.  Refuse to even listen to criticism about it.  

My mom does shit like this too! Like arriving for a visit with a bag full of toys/art supplies and presenting them to DS and telling him that he can play with it tomorrow. Or telling him that here is a candy bar that he can have in two days after she is gone. Or telling him that they are going to go to the zoo, for ice cream, the splash park, Mcdonalds, etc. alllll in one day and then not doing ANY of those things, leading to an upset 5 year old.

[pixy0stix]

MIL's fuckbuddy moved out of her house. She doesn't make enough money for him to sponge off of, so when he gets a new sugar momma he leaves her in the dust. Then she mopes and whines and cries until he shows up again. I can't even stand to be around DH when he's talking to her on the phone.

[aurora]

Sept 17, 2014 14:28:52 GMT -5 summer said:

My MIL told me, and only me, that she is leaving FIL after the holidays. She already has a place.

Shit is about to get real.

Uhm, what the hell is she thinking putting this sort of secret on you?

[wawa]

Sept 17, 2014 14:28:52 GMT -5 summer said:

My MIL told me, and only me, that she is leaving FIL after the holidays. She already has a place.

Shit is about to get real.

Ohhhh, shit!  Wow.

All I've got is that my MIL talked me out of having a big whole fam damily 1st birthday for shorti because she didn't think that was expected in their family (since they didn't do it for MH and peers), and I was kinda sad but went with it because we didn't really have room to host EVERYBODY anyway.  Now MH's cousin is having her kid's 1st birthday party and everybody and their cousin is invited.  DAMMIT WOMAN, I could have made a giant cake!  But noooooooo. 

[Deleted]

I am never moving to Germany. Never, no never. summer done scarred and scared me. All the r's. Not doing it.

[ChillyMcFreeze]

Can we kvetch about our own parents, too? Because my in-laws are easy breezy, but my mother is becoming unbearable. The curse of coming from the same hometown is that you can't really split holidays. People expect you to see everyone every time you visit. Which means no one is ever happy with the amount of time you spend with them, and you spend your whole visit schlepping back and forth in the car. And now my mom is asking that we drive 3 hours home and then 3 hours to the coast on Thanksgiving Day. NOPE. Not doing it. I asked DH if we could have a kid just to have a good excuse to stay home for holidays...

[wawa]

Sept 17, 2014 14:35:14 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

I am never moving to Germany. Never, no never. summer done scarred and scared me. All the r's. Not doing it.

Between summer and somebody I know locally I'm going to end up prejudiced against Germans.  I'm just assuming at this point it's a whole country of people with absolutely NO boundaries and limited senses of humor.

[aurora]

Sept 17, 2014 13:54:23 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Sept 17, 2014 13:35:46 GMT -5 heyjude said:

This is my FIL. He can't even get off the fucking phone when we visit or get up from his nap. And my parents are just gaga over her. And you wonder who she likes more?

My FIL will pay some attention to them when he comes over, but his preferred activity is to sit and watch TV while he is here, which is what he does all day long at home.  He never asks to come to their sports practices or matches, or school events, he rarely asks what they are learning in school, and only twice that I can recall has he invited the kids and me to do something with him during all the years and summers they weren't in school.

Like I said, I'm not mad at him, but it stands in such sharp contrast with my parents (and my deceased MIL), and I worry about my kids picking up on this some day and being sad that Grandpop really doesn't give a shit about them.  Listening to H talk about his father being absent from so much of his childhood, I have realized that FIL probably never even wanted kids to begin with.  It's kind of sad that he's going through life simply fulfilling obligations dictated by the Church.

Growing up I had 3 very loving, demonstrative grandparents and one who was always much stricter and more reserved.  I actually do remember picking up on that as a child and wondering if this one grandmother really loved me, but my parents assured me that she did and that she just had different ways of showing it than the other three.  I definitely got closer to her as I got older and now I can fully understand and am 100% sure that she loved me all along.  I guess my point with this story is that even if your kids do pick up on it, you can run some interference and eventually they are likely to grow up and understand.  (You don't have to get into the obligation-fulfilling part with the young kids, obviously.)