I reiterate that this guy is a chicken shit who is trying to get someone else to do his dirty work. The only thing I would do would be to encourage him to tell her. He wants her to know, he just doesn't have the balls to do it himself. THAT'S why I wouldn't tell the wife, but would encourage him to tell her himself. And by "encourage," I mean I would ask him every time I saw him if he had told her yet.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I have read the board randomly since the beginning. What is your point besides being condescending?
You're reading too much into my "tone". I did not intend to sound condescending.
Why are you so sensitive?
Haha...that is great I am not sensitive at all. If I was, I wouldn't post such a controversial topic on this site. I know how posts like this go and I can take it. But seriously, did you ask your question because you think what I posted was stupid or is there something else I should know?
You're reading too much into my "tone". I did not intend to sound condescending.
Why are you so sensitive?
Haha...that is great I am not sensitive at all. If I was, I wouldn't post such a controversial topic on this site. I know how posts like this go and I can take it. But seriously, did you ask your question because you think what I posted was stupid or is there something else I should know?
Honestly, you're sounding a little sensitive and like you're internalizing this whole situation. It sucks to learn that a friend would do that, and it's weird to be in the position of knowing something like this -- I get that. But, truly, it's not your biz.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Haha...that is great I am not sensitive at all. If I was, I wouldn't post such a controversial topic on this site. I know how posts like this go and I can take it. But seriously, did you ask your question because you think what I posted was stupid or is there something else I should know?
Honestly, you're sounding a little sensitive and like you're internalizing this whole situation. It sucks to learn that a friend would do that, and it's weird to be in the position of knowing something like this -- I get that. But, truly, it's not your biz.
Post by jojoandleo on Sept 18, 2014 16:29:25 GMT -5
It's interesting to see the differences in responses here and on SO.
I'm pretty much in the tell camp. If I don't know both sides and the wife is fine with it, what does it hurt? She already knows, so why will my telling her change anything? If she is okay with it, why would she care if I know? If she cares, she probably isn't as okay with it as she would like others to think, in which case, maybe it will give her strength to leave. Plus, it is more humiliating to find out everyone knew after the fact.
Maybe she will blame the messenger, but I would rather be blamed and have her know. Maybe it will ruin a friendship, but true friendships will get over it.
I wish I had been told my ex was cheating. It would have saved me a year of my life thinking I was crazy and insecure.
I get that it is not my business, but it is the person being cheated on's business.
Post by sandytoes on Sept 18, 2014 16:34:33 GMT -5
I was cheated on and everyone knew but me. When someone did eventually tell me, I was grateful. I still thank God that person told me because it changed the course of my life. I was pissed no one told me sooner. If it's one of my good friends I would 100% tell them.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Same. My ex was cheating left and right and everyone knew. Well, except for me. One of our mutual friends came clean after we broke up about how she knew the whole time and who he was sleeping around with, and I was like "YOU GUYS KNEW THE WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T TELL ME?!". Lol.
That said, I would probably still MYOB unless I was close to the wife or husband.
I will probably get flamed to high hell for saying this, but I'm firmly not in the MYOB camp (and I've said it here before).
A cheating partner opens up the innocent partner to a host of STDs; obviously the innocent party doesn't know that his or her health is being put in jeopardy by a trusted loved one.
Sexual health is a form of health not any less important than physical or emotional health and I'm not going to sit around knowing someone is being put at risk because "it's none of my business." If I have the information, I will share it (and I have before). Whatever he or she decides to do with the information is none of my business, but he or she at least needs access to the information so he or she can have the choice to use the information or not.
I agree with this. It's the first thing we tell anyone who's been cheated on, get tested.
I would send an autonomous letter, even if he denies it at least she will be on guard. Flame away
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by lissaholly on Sept 18, 2014 16:47:08 GMT -5
I would like to find out I was being cheated on on my own because I would like to control who I told. There are certain people who I would want to tell me if they knew - the same people who I would confide in after the fact. If a random acquaintance spilled the beans it would make me paranoid that EVERYONE knew and would make the decision to work it out a lot harder.
Really? So do you pry sweets from the hands of diabetics? Replace an overweight person's Coke with a water and suggest exercise? Stage an intervention on a depressed person?
You must be exhausting.
Diabetic and overweight persons choosing by their own accord to partake in choices that are a known risk to their health is an entirely different issue than someone being put at risk without their knowledge or consent by someone else (especially some they trust).
And yes, I would stage an intervention if someone was seriously depressed and needed help. No question.
The typical answers of MYOB often don't sit well with me. For instance, the argument that the confession is only to make the person with the knowledge feel better. It has no benefit to the unknowing partner except hurting them. BS. I don't know if cheating is a deal breaker for me or not as circumstances, duration, etc would impact that decision. However, it is my decision to make. I don't like the idea of not being allowed to make that decision because it might hurt me.
That being said, if I were to share the knowledge falls into a gray area. It would depend on the relationship I had with the person. I don't think I could randomly call up someone I barely talk to and say, "by the way your H cheating on you." Not to mention, getting myself dragged into acquaintances' marriage problems is not stress I need in my life. A good friend is a different situation.
Well, I am in the I would want to know camp. Yes, I would be horrified, but I still would want to know. I would want to be checked for STD's too.
As for the OP, how do you intend to proceed with this friendship? I would not want to be close with someone like this. If he has the character to cheat on his spouse, that tells me that he has bad character, where would the line be drawn in other areas?
I am just hoping that he is truly remorseful and he won't cheat again. DH has talked with him about how he needs to think about his family and never cheat again. We both question his character.
I will probably get flamed to high hell for saying this, but I'm firmly not in the MYOB camp (and I've said it here before).
A cheating partner opens up the innocent partner to a host of STDs; obviously the innocent party doesn't know that his or her health is being put in jeopardy by a trusted loved one.
Sexual health is a form of health not any less important than physical or emotional health and I'm not going to sit around knowing someone is being put at risk because "it's none of my business." If I have the information, I will share it (and I have before). Whatever he or she decides to do with the information is none of my business, but he or she at least needs access to the information so he or she can have the choice to use the information or not.
Really? So do you pry sweets from the hands of diabetics? Replace an overweight person's Coke with a water and suggest exercise? Stage an intervention on a depressed person?
Look, if I were close to the people being cheated on, I'd probably try to come up with a way to inform them. I have no idea how I'd do it, having (thankfully) never been put in that situation. But I would definitely mind my own business if I weren't close to those involved.
In this circumstance OP, I can't even conceive of how you'd contact the spouses given that you don't really have a relationship of any kind with them. That's another reason why I think this type of thing is seen primarily as a MYOB situation on these boards. If you had definitive proof that your bbf's H was cheating, the majority might answer differently.
The equivalent would be telling a diabetic that their spouse is feeding them full sugar desserts instead of sugar-free desserts. Or that an overweight person's spouse is sabotaging their diet a la Mean Girls.
Look, I was cheated on repeatedly, and I'm sure people knew. And I'm glad no one told me. I found out on my own, and then it was up to me to decide what to do. I had known there was something not right for awhile, but I chose to ignore it due to other issues I had to deal with first. I would've been mortified to not only know he'd been cheating, but also to have confirmation that people were talking about it.
She will find out. If he's really done, or thinks he is, he will be short with her, pick fights for no reason, and make excuses to be somewhere else more often. She'll know. And then it will be up to HER to decide what she wants to do about it, without the added embarrassment of being devastated by some random acquaintance.
I wouldn't tell her, but that doesn't mean I would always MYOB in an affair situation. They have children and dropping a bomb on her life isn't something I could do, unfortunately he lit the fuse.
It is not your marriage. You did not see this happen - you heard about it from someone else - right?
If you want to speak to someone - talk with the cheater - tell him that you know he is cheating and that if his wife does not know, she will probably hear about it soon from someone as the "news" is out there. Might be a good idea for HIM to talk with her about their marriage. But even that is a bit over the line and non of your business.
Post by sharknado on Sept 22, 2014 10:23:14 GMT -5
I was HUMILIATED when I found out and then found out all of his friends knew and helped cover it up. How am I such a worthless human being that I deserved to be hurt by so many people? People I never wronged. Ah, therapy.