He eats the food I make and tells me when he really likes things if I have made them for the first time. He does not cook so he can't be too picky! We have nights that I will tell him he is eating cereal because I am not cooking or other nights where I cook food he likes but I eat toast instead. He does tease me that I get things from Pinterest.
Post by bluelikejazz on Sept 19, 2014 22:03:24 GMT -5
I've found that I have to ask different questions than `did you like it?` I always ask `should I make this again?` and if the answer is yes I ask the follow up of ` how could it be better?` this gets him to engage in the conversation.o
Is he this indirect with other aspects of your life? This seems like a lot of guesswork for something that should be a simple conversation, I would be incredibly frustrated and probably cook for me and the kids and let him fend for himself.
To answer your questions, I do all the cooking, DH only grills. For the most part he loves my cooking and thanks me for doing it. I ask at the beginning of the week if there's anything he's craving and if not, I just do what I feel like but I do try to take his likes/dislikes into consideration.
MH is very good in this department. He eats everything I cook and raves about 99% of it. It's nice. I know he wishes I cooked more Arabic food (he is Arab and grew up eating Arabic food 6 nights a week and take out once, lol) but I have an inferiority complex about my Arabic cooking since MIL is legit. It's totally my issue though, as DH even compliments my substandard Arabic food. He just wants to kids to be familiar with the flavors since it's their culture too.
I'm sorry your H is not enthusiastic. Is it possible there's something else going on? Does he eat a big lunch or snack a lot? My aunt used to complain that my uncle never ate his dinner and then after like, 2 years, she discovered that he bought and drank a large chocolate milkshake on his way home from work everyday, like 20 minutes before dinner.
Post by winecheery on Sept 19, 2014 22:21:46 GMT -5
Yes! Lucky me, he doesn't mind that we have very little meat (if any) in the house. I'm a vegetarian. I do the cooking. Hence…no meat, or just one thing a week for him. I am a pretty good cook actually, I don't mind saying so, but I get into ruts or have flops like anyone else. DH will sometimes tactfully mention that to me, lol, and I improve on it or don't make it again. Don't worry, I tell him where he can improve in areas where he is solely responsible for a task, too. ;-)
ETA: He compliments me if it was particularly good meal, and always in front of company, which is nice. OP, I'd be ragey and frustrated in your shoes, so very sorry its happening. What are you going to do??
Post by Ashley&Scott on Sept 19, 2014 22:37:29 GMT -5
For the most part yes. He is pickier & less adventurous than me though so there are some things he won't eat. I don't really take that personally though since I know ahead of time he doesn't like X.
I've found that I have to ask different questions than `did you like it?` I always ask `should I make this again?` and if the answer is yes I ask the follow up of ` how could it be better?` this gets him to engage in the conversation.o
We do something similar. We label new recipes as "Repeater" or "Not a Repeater". We did it growing up, too. I'm extremely sensitive about my (lack of) cooking skills. I found that my feelings got hurt with any variation of "I don't like it", no matter how politely/gently he phrased it...and he didn't like telling me any variation of it because he knew how self conscious I was and didn't want me to think he didn't appreciate my efforts.
The Repeater/Not a Repeater system works well for us because it's not just flavor that gets things canned. It basically means we didn't LOVE the meal enough to go to effort of making it again. Too much effort/too many steps, too much time to make, too expensive, too unhealthy to be a worthy splurge on calories/fat, etc. Something can taste great, but still be Not a Repeater. On the other hand, so-so recipes can make it bc they're super easy, cheap, healthy, etc.
He says he loves my cooking & prefers the way I make some of MILs recipes over the way she makes them (a BIG deal, in his eyes)! I'm not sure if he means it or if he's just trying to build my confidence and encourage me to cook more often, but I'll take it!
He generally likes most things I cook. The exception is my homemade mac and cheese but in that case he is just crazy. He knows that if he doesn't like what I make then he is on his own (and will happily make himself a lunchmeat sandwich or something).
I've also learned that "its alright" is code for "I don't like this but don't want to hurt your feelings"
I do always ask him when I make something new if he likes it and I warn him not to lie because if he says he likes it I will be making it regularly.
This reminds me of my parents. They have been married for over 35 years and out of the blue a couple years ago my dad says "I've always hated your meatloaf!" lol.
Post by badtzmaru22 on Sept 20, 2014 5:43:32 GMT -5
He likes it well enough, but he was raised with barely any vegetables, and mostly things from cans, so anything "fancy" is totally wasted on him.
My biggest complaints are that he doesn't like mushrooms, and I LOVE them, he puts hot sauce on everything, so why bother making anything taste good, and he is weird about vegetables, so if I try to serve a green salad with enchiladas, he says it doesn't "go". We work opposite shifts, so we rarely have dinner together anyway, but it does hurt my feelings when I pack him lunches and he doesn't eat the veggies or "forgets" to take them.
Also on weekends, he always wants to go out, but that's generally the time I have the most amount of time and energy to cook. He thinks he's doing me a favor by suggesting we go out, but I'd rather not spend the money and wrangle children in a restaurant. And I don't mind cooking. I like it even!
Sorry you're dealing with this. We just try to talk about it, since we are on different pages when it comes to cooking. I'd be annoyed at your H's passive aggressiveness.
Yes, he loves it and he knows to be very vocal about it. I pretty much only cook for his benefit. The girls are just as happy to eat raw veggies. If he wasn't appreciative I'd stop cooking tomorrow.
This is my situation. I would eat cheese and crackers every night if left to my own devices and he is a terrible cook.
That said I am a little less adventurous with him. He grew up on a meat and potatoes diet and mine was more Moosewood and Enchanted Broccoli Forest (vegetarian cookbooks) so sometimes when I introduce a new flavor combination/vegetable he will politely say he liked it but it wasn't his favorite.
I would be so annoyed in your situation!! He is acting like a total child. Why does he throw away his dinners? Does he have huge snacks before or after? I would just be super honest with him "look, it seems that you are totally unappreciative of my efforts to feed you. It hurts my feelings and I think I am going to take a break from cooking" and see what he says.
DH loves to cook so I let him. I never complain unless it's spicy (I don't like spicy food). He usually asks me if I want a or b for dinner so I have a choice - maybe that would help? Give him a couple choices then you will know what he likes and doesn't like. He definitely needs to appreciate that you cook more though.
I just came back to add I learned a long time ago I can't force H to eat. I used to get all upset when he said he didn't want the salad I made (he's not a lover) or skips over the vegetables. Then one day I was just like "ehhh...why I am forcing him to eat it? I wouldn't like it if he did that to me. Hell, I even let my toddler pick and choose on her plate." It doesn't mean he hates something or is being disrespectful, more that he just has a stronger preference for something else I made. I guess I just realized it dumb to ruin my day over the fact he left his green beans out of his lunch.
As for you H I wish he'd just be honest with you,but I gather he's trying to not hurt your feelings and it's not working.
Also, are you sure he cares about food? Mine doesn't at all. He would live on yogurt, PBJ an Gatorade and that'd be fine with him. Gourmet dinner or mac and cheese it's all just a means to end for him. Which can be frustrating because I do care. Esp. at the end of the day. I'm starving and excited to relax and eat dinner. He's super exhausted and what's for dinner and how much he eats and whether or not it was good was the last thing he cares about by that point.
Hang in there. I'd probably just get super blunt with him.
Post by cincodemayo on Sept 20, 2014 8:38:03 GMT -5
Kind of. He has a few favorites but will tell me things he doesn't like. He used to let me do all of the cooking but we've both been happier splitting that duty.
- I ask after every new meal if he liked it. He normally gives a halfhearted "yeah," and I ask him to please tell me if he didn't because I don't want to make things he doesn't like. I have figured out that some "yeahs" mean "yes" and some mean "no" by his tone. He has never said that he didn't like a meal. (If I find most of it in the garbage, I don't make it again.)
- I have basically said everything that I said in my OP to him, most recently last night because that was the second night in a row he didn't eat. He just kind of stumbles around and doesn't say anything relevant, so I can't get anything out of him.
- He isn't picky outside of the house -- eats all sorts of things, loves my mom's food (which is VERY similar to my food -- maybe a bit more elaborate but similar meals), etc.
- He is inept and doesn't cook. He'll burn the Totino's pizza I get him. It's annoying and no excuse, but I do feel like the guy should eat, so I cook for him (and really don't mind the cooking part so long as people are eating).
I know none of that is helpful. I'm exasperated and debating a week of PBJ for him so he can see what the alternative is. I don't really need someone telling me that the food is amazing every night and thanking me profusely for cooking (though I wouldn't mind it)...I just want the effort I put into cooking at least lead to someone eating the food.
Honestly, all of this sounds exhausting.
I would stop asking him every night if he likes the meal. It doesn't sound like he's outwardly complaining about your food. I'd just tell him you'd appreciate if he took the time to say thank you for cooking more often because it sounds like you feel that he doesn't appreciate you.
I don't think a week of sandwiches would solve anything because for me personally I don't cook for myself very often and am fine eating fruit, veggies and a sandwich for weeks on end. So your H might not even care about having a sandwich. So I'd just keep on cooking what you normally cook if you enjoy the meals. If you absolutely hate cooking and don't enjoy the meals yourself either, then I'd re-evaluate and scale back and make more simple meals if that'd be easier for you.
Post by wildfloweragain on Sept 20, 2014 11:21:11 GMT -5
No, he never did unless I copied on of his mom's really unhealthy recipes.
Then he got on a health kick and started grilling.
Then he started working at city firehouses where you need to learn how to cook. So he started practicing on us. He now eats healthfully, tries new foods AND when he's home I don't have to cook:)
Post by scribellesam on Sept 20, 2014 11:29:34 GMT -5
Generally, yes. He's fairly picky, though, and I plan meals around his food preferences so we're both happy (I'm far less picky than he is). He'll let me know if he doesn't like a new recipe, which sometimes annoys me but I think I like that more than finding all my food in the trash! I hope your H shows a little more honesty soon.
- I ask after every new meal if he liked it. He normally gives a halfhearted "yeah," and I ask him to please tell me if he didn't because I don't want to make things he doesn't like. I have figured out that some "yeahs" mean "yes" and some mean "no" by his tone. He has never said that he didn't like a meal. (If I find most of it in the garbage, I don't make it again.)
- I have basically said everything that I said in my OP to him, most recently last night because that was the second night in a row he didn't eat. He just kind of stumbles around and doesn't say anything relevant, so I can't get anything out of him.
- He isn't picky outside of the house -- eats all sorts of things, loves my mom's food (which is VERY similar to my food -- maybe a bit more elaborate but similar meals), etc.
- He is inept and doesn't cook. He'll burn the Totino's pizza I get him. It's annoying and no excuse, but I do feel like the guy should eat, so I cook for him (and really don't mind the cooking part so long as people are eating).
I know none of that is helpful. I'm exasperated and debating a week of PBJ for him so he can see what the alternative is. I don't really need someone telling me that the food is amazing every night and thanking me profusely for cooking (though I wouldn't mind it)...I just want the effort I put into cooking at least lead to someone eating the food.
Honestly, all of this sounds exhausting.
I would stop asking him every night if he likes the meal. It doesn't sound like he's outwardly complaining about your food. I'd just tell him you'd appreciate if he took the time to say thank you for cooking more often because it sounds like you feel that he doesn't appreciate you.
I don't think a week of sandwiches would solve anything because for me personally I don't cook for myself very often and am fine eating fruit, veggies and a sandwich for weeks on end. So your H might not even care about having a sandwich. So I'd just keep on cooking what you normally cook if you enjoy the meals. If you absolutely hate cooking and don't enjoy the meals yourself either, then I'd re-evaluate and scale back and make more simple meals if that'd be easier for you.
Thanks -- totally agree w/you. I don't ask every night if he likes it, only if it's something new that I'm trying just so I know whether I should add it to my list or not. He likes to eat and wants elaborate meals, so sandwiches wouldn't please him -- but you are right, it wouldn't solve the problem, either. I don't mind cooking at all but don't like wasting my time and energy cooking if the meal is going straight down the disposal.
It is exhausting, and while I don't think there's a solution to my problem, I definitely was curious to see if I was alone in this ridiculousness.
Is he this indirect with other aspects of your life? This seems like a lot of guesswork for something that should be a simple conversation, I would be incredibly frustrated and probably cook for me and the kids and let him fend for himself.
To answer your questions, I do all the cooking, DH only grills. For the most part he loves my cooking and thanks me for doing it. I ask at the beginning of the week if there's anything he's craving and if not, I just do what I feel like but I do try to take his likes/dislikes into consideration.
No, communication is usually open/easy, which makes this all the more baffling.
Post by wanderlustmom on Sept 20, 2014 22:43:49 GMT -5
I am sorry!!! That would stress me out too. I would ignore it, cook what you want, be very breezy about it and see if that does it. I think it's trapping a lot of emotions in your marriage. We have that problem talking about money.
As for dinner, no. The bar was low, DH's mom and dad are awful cooks. I am just a mediocre cook but I hit the lottery with a husband and two kids who love my meals, are not picky and dinner every night is my highlight of the day. All three really make me feel like a rock star for just cooking a basic dinner.
Is he this indirect with other aspects of your life? This seems like a lot of guesswork for something that should be a simple conversation, I would be incredibly frustrated and probably cook for me and the kids and let him fend for himself.
To answer your questions, I do all the cooking, DH only grills. For the most part he loves my cooking and thanks me for doing it. I ask at the beginning of the week if there's anything he's craving and if not, I just do what I feel like but I do try to take his likes/dislikes into consideration.
No, communication is usually open/easy, which makes this all the more baffling.
What does he say when you ask him why he threw all his food away? He's not hungry? Doesn't feel well? Ate a late lunch? Didn't like the food? It seems weird that he would regularly throw food away with no explanation. But since he's not complaining, I'd really just keep doing what you've always been doing.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Sept 21, 2014 7:24:46 GMT -5
Unfortunately, no. I kind of consider it a character flaw, but certainly you could say we were exposed to very different ideas about this growing up. As a friend of mine put it once, "Whatever [my spouse] cooks and puts in front of me, I'm gonna eat it, and I'm gonna LIKE it." That's the way my parents always were, and how I was raised, so it's been kind of hard for me to handle DH not liking my cooking much and not keeping that to himself. He came from a family where MIL was always bending over backwards to accomidate FIL's food pickiness. The story goes that it took MIL 7 tries to get FIL's eggs right the first Saturday after they were married. Not, like, 7 Saturdays; she had to keep starting over because she'd gotten it wrong.
Fortunately, DH does love to cook, because I have zero interest in cooking for him. I've tried to explain this to him, particularly if/when he complains that I don't do enough of the cooking. I think he gets it now, but it's hard for him reverse 2 decades of the habits he learned growing up, and it's hard for me to forget the decade+ of prior negative comments from him about my cooking.
DH mostly does, but he's really, really picky and weird about food. So trying new things usually doesn't work out. He tells me though and does like a lot of things I make.
I don't like to cook and he does most of the cooking now anyway due to schedules, so that works out.
The OP's situation would be maddening to me. I probably would have started an argument by now hoping it would at least clear the air. No way would I could night after night to see it go in the trash. Either tell me what's wrong with the food or go to the doctor/tell me why you don't have an appetite.
DH likes my cooking. Does your DH eat something before getting home? Maybe that is why he is full otherwise he would be loosing weight. Is he getting thinner?
If he likes elaborate meals tell him to pick five recipes from Pinterest that he thinks he would like and have him help you make them or better yet make them himself and see if he eats it.
I understand your frustration because I really like to cook and try new recipes and my feeling would be hurt if DH didn't eat what I make. He has will tell me if he doesn't like a new recipe and then we don't make that again unless I really liked it.
Post by SpartanGirl on Sept 21, 2014 17:37:16 GMT -5
My H loves to cook and is a much, much better cook than I am. He used to not care for my cooking (I loathe it and will usually make very quick and simple things). We've had a lot of talks about it and finally I just told him that if I had to fight both him AND the kids to eat I just wasn't going to bother and we could do take out.
He got over it. I guess he realized a mediocre meal he didn't have to cook was better than nothing.