Has your BFF discussed this with her daughter? What does the daughter want to do?
I really don't think it matters.
Well, if mom and daughter discuss it that gives the daughter the opportunity to decide to honor the father's wishes and makes it a moot point. But it almost sounds like the mom is considering bringing the daughter without telling the daughter that the father doesn't want her there. And, whether justified or not, in my mind that's worse than telling the daughter and then bringing her if she wants to go anyway.
I absolutely would not bring my daughter. This is not the time for her to be speaking truth to power about her close friendship. This is the time for her to respect the wishes of her friend's father. Further, if she goes it could make things exponentially worse for her and for him. There is more than one way to say goodbye.
It's awful. It's heartbreaking. But she should not go.
Post by hisno1girl on Sept 21, 2014 6:23:54 GMT -5
I cannot believe some of you are saying you would let her attend.
The father of the girl who passed specifically told K she could not attend. I'm sure he's acting out of grief, and rightly so, but once he has stated his wishes, the decision has been made.
I understand that K was best friends with the girl, but she absolutely should not attend.
What if the father saw pictures of the two of them together and recognized her at the funeral? If he hasn't already reached a breaking point, seeing K there might do it.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Sept 21, 2014 6:34:45 GMT -5
This man lost his wife and his daughter. I cannot fathom his grief.
It's also very sad that the girl lost her best friend, but the dad's wishes should be honored here. Taking her to the funeral after he has explicitly asked that she not attend is inappropriate.
In 1 day, 1 month, 5 years, 50 years that dad will never look back and think, "I'm SO glad I didn't let that heartbroken teenager mourn like everybody else".
Yes, rational thinking is long gone because of his grief but he's far more likely to regret her absence in the future than feel good about it. If she doesn't go he'll realize what a truly, truly shitty thing he did [in a state of obvious insanity].
I think your friend was out of line to arrange a memorial of sorts via the hashtag/color day before the funeral has happened and without her dad's input. I understand that she and K are grieving, too, but you don't memorialize someone else's kid before they get to. It's just wrong. I don't doubt he is hurt. How did he learn about this tribute? Via social media? Someone mentioning an event that he didn't know about honoring his dead daughter? How awful and hurtful, even if it was unintentional.
I'm here as well. I don't discount K's grief, but I think she jumped the gun here. This poor man lost his daughter; he should at least get to dictate how she is memorialized publicly for the first few days (assuming the funeral is held relatively close to the death). I would not let her attend the funeral. It really does suck, but you have to respect the father's wishes.
No way would I let my child go. One of my worst memories is going to a friends funeral who took his life. His parents were so angry at all of us. Let the father dictate what he needs right now. Your friend should get her daughter in counseling and focus on her. Copycat sucicide is a very real thing, especially in the young unfortunately. Absolutely NO to having any kind of memorial or event, the father is already upset by the hashtag event.
In 1 day, 1 month, 5 years, 50 years that dad will never look back and think, "I'm SO glad I didn't let that heartbroken teenager mourn like everybody else".
Yes, rational thinking is long gone because of his grief but he's far more likely to regret her absence in the future than feel good about it. If she doesn't go he'll realize what a truly, truly shitty thing he did [in a state of obvious insanity].
I wouldn't put my daughter in that position. Primarily because he is clearly making the girl (and the mom) the target of his rage and his reaction at the funeral if he recognizes her and goes off could be really ugly. If he regrets it later then he can reach out but I would not let my daughter be the potential target of his anger in a very public setting just to help him potentially avoid regret.
One of my worst memories is going to a friends funeral who took his life. His parents were so angry at all of us.
My god, what for? That's awful
I was really traumatised at age 11 by a friend's mother's funeral, and everything went down as well as it could have.
I'm not really sure. I guess because we didn't clue in, we had been given information on what to watch for but he didn't follow what we had been told to look for. We had plans for the coming weekend, him and I that he had made. He seemed happy and okay. After I pieced together things he had said that showed he was reaching out but I had just turned 17. The city I grew up in was rampant for teenage sucicide, it wasn't as common but both H and I had someone close to us who did it before we graduated. H lost his BFF who also didn't follow the tell tale signs. I just really hope K gets the support she will need and that the parents of ALL these kids are proactive, copy cats do happen. My friends mother followed his path a year later.,
In 1 day, 1 month, 5 years, 50 years that dad will never look back and think, "I'm SO glad I didn't let that heartbroken teenager mourn like everybody else".
Yes, rational thinking is long gone because of his grief but he's far more likely to regret her absence in the future than feel good about it. If she doesn't go he'll realize what a truly, truly shitty thing he did [in a state of obvious insanity].
But if she DOES go he might look back and remember how a simple request couldn't be honored in his darkest hour.