S/O How to raise aware kids?

[downtoearth]

I always tell people I'm raising feminist boys, but that's a bit of a tall-tale. I sometimes think what I do, as the only woman in the house, is more for me than for the kids.  I'm outnumbered and can't help but admit that we have a huge "weapon storage" area for all the fighting weapons that my kids own, my kids love superhero movies that don't always show women or minorities in roles of power, and my kids primarily have friends that are white middle/upper class boys from liberal families, which makes me feel like I need to step-it-up if I want to raise compassionate, aware kids who aren't aggressive.

The articles I've read are usually written by some mom who has 4 year old kids who play with toys from the blue/pink aisle as an answer to gender equality and to make sure to use the real anatomical words for body parts. I feel like I'm beyond that with my kids, but not sure if I'm doing them well in the human rights (feminist, racist, non-white privilege) realm.

HBC had some good ideas about equality at home, that I think are important to consider.  I hate to admit, but I will probably bug DH about some of those tonight (and by bug, it will be from me b/c he doesn't get as fired up about parenting or politics as I do).  But does anyone else have info for parents on when to discuss these big issues and when not - especially when to discuss racism and feminism with your kids?  I'm an NPR die-hard, so I don't shy away from them knowing and talking about a lot of issues as we hear them on the radio, but me talking about my career challenges, different religions, systemic racism, or even DV to other people isn't directly discussing these issues with the kids.  Is it more important to talk to kids about the big issues or to show them by becoming more involved in community awareness and activities? 

I also live in a bit of a culturally baron area (MT), so it seemed so much easier when the kids were little and we were in CO surrounded by more variety of cultures and races. 

[Michelle]

I don't think there is a quick answer to your question. It depends.

How old are your children? The older they are, the more appropriate it is to talk about things not facing them in their immediate life that you want them to know about. If they are younger, you can start planting seeds by reading about stuff so they are taught to be open, recognize disparities exist, etc.

I started reading books to DD about diversity when she was very young. That was primarily racial diversity, but we talked about how everyone looked different but also the same, we talked about something beautiful about every type of person depicted (not just race but body size, etc). I wanted to plant the seed that beauty comes in many forms and there isn't a "best" standard. Now that she is 7 and can walk up to anyone and genuinely compliment them, I think I've done that.

When I look at my daughter's friends, she is in a diverse group at school. Her 2 best friends in class are Asian (and she is fascinated by the distinctions between Vietnamese and Chinese cultures), and they play with two African American girls, a Latina and another white girl at recess on the regular.

Her school is majority white so the fact that she is drawn to a diverse group makes me proud. There is another group that in my mind I call the Barbies and they are all white and Latina with big bows, the "cheerleader" look and they definitely have clique-type behavior. Already. The fact that she is nice to all of them but couldn't care less whether she is in that group or not makes me feel like I've done a decent job.

With Girl Scouts we do service projects. The girls in my troop are all white and Latina. Some have noticed more than others that the pictures of the recipients of their toy drives often look different from them. They are darker skinned, less "tailored" in appearance, etc. I look for comments that they make so we can talk about the differences, but I don't shove them down their throats. My daughter has commented that when looking at poor people they usually have darker skin where we live, and why is that? I could answer that maybe they made bad choices in life, which could be true. But I choose the systemic racism/poverty answer. I choose to tell her that a long time ago white people kept Blacks as slaves and then when slavery ended some white people made it really hard for black people to go to school so they had to work in farming jobs or factory jobs, and then when you work in one of those jobs it is harder to send your kid to college so they are more likely to work in farming jobs or factory jobs, and it continues down the line. Much of my family is really poor and she noticed it when we visited and I explained that through scholarships and hard work (uh oh - bootstraps) you can do better than what your parents were able to do. But I complement the bootstrap lesson (which I actually think is just fine - instilling pride in hard work/achievement) with also saying that it is important for those of us who have money and education to try to share what we know about how to get [there] with our friends who don't. So making sure kids who live in poor neighborhoods - developing scholarships that only they have a chance to get, and volunteering to tutor, do service work in poorer communities to help them have networks because knowing someone is a big part of getting a good job. And I explain to her that in my job part of what I do is look and see if the people that work there look like the community. If they don't, I have to try really hard to find more people in the community who might want/be qualified for certain jobs so they have a chance to work for a great company too (someday she will understand it is Affirmative Action planning).

When it comes to gender equality that is a struggle, because I'm here to tell you my husband and I might not make it if he doesn't step it up in helping to care for our home. I am the primary wage earner and parent and fucking maid and I'm sick of it. He whines, "but I don't like to clean!" Ok how many 7 year olds do I have? Who the fuck does? But you do it anyway so you don't live in filth!

But I read books to my daughter on the mighty girl selection. Heightsyankee reads gender equality books to her kids. Her very high income earning husband helps pick up around the house even though she is a SAHM. She takes her kids to community activist gatherings like protests she attended about the Texas laws restricting access to abortion facilities. She is active in Battleground Texas and she is very visible about that to her boys. When they ask why, I imagine she is clear that girls should have the same opportunities as boys and she thinks Wendy Davis will make rules that are a lot more fair.

I think the answer to your question is an every day effort. It is to be open and conscientious to use opportunities when they ask questions to work in the lesson of the disparities that exist in our society and the world at large. But we are parents and also shouldn't freak our kids out so it has to be age appropriate so they also always feel safe and secure in their home and in their lives.

Ultimately I think a man who is willing to clean all the toilets and showers, do the grocery shopping and buy his wife tampons while she mows the lawn has achieved a nice domesticated level of feminism so maybe assign those chores to your boys accordingly. :-)

[lys]

Being kind to everyone is gender/race/ethnic neutral
Being generous, thoughtful, helpful, patient etc are gender/race/ethnic neutral.
Focusing too much on race, gender, ethnicity works against what you are trying to accomplish IMO. Focus on the basic qualities you want to ensure and along the way you can talk about how these things are not always applied equally by some people and that you expect them to treat everyone fairly etc.

You cannot just talk to kids about these things, you also have to practice what you preach if you want them to actually absorb and apply it.

[readyin07]

I struggle with this as well. It is particularly hard when they start school. My older DS had many (mostly) female friends until he started Prek. He was pretty gender neutral in his toy selections, movie preferences, etc. one day one of the tinkerbell movies came on, which he had enjoyed before and I asked if he wanted to watch and he said no. And as I was turning the channel, he made the comment "will (boy at school who was a bit of a bully) said that boys can't like tinkerbell and princess movies." That opened up a good discussion and he decided he did want to watch it after all. BUT (parenting fail) I told him that he didn't need to tell will he liked those movies. And I still feel like shit about that. I should have told him to tell will exactly what we discussed and why it was ok for boys or girls to like ANYTHING their little hearts desire. It is easy to come on here and say I want my kid to be a feminist and forge his own path. It is another thing to send my 4 year old out promoting feminism to the classroom bully. Parenting is such a hard thing

My son has really blonde hair that we keep in sort of a surfer cut. It is not long but it isn't a super short "boy" cut. He told me the other day he wanted his hair not to be blonde anymore bc a little girl keeps telling everyone he is a girl and now all the class says that to him. I am flailing around like a drowning person here.