how to handle mil?

[marie3246]

There is a lot of back story with my mil but she is very self absorbed and very hard to deal with at times. She is constantly making plans to visit and cancels 99% of the time.

She has canceled on major things like holidays with my family after we had made special arrangements for her accommodations and when she makes a long weekend plan to fly to us, she has only made it once in the last several years and that was bc there was also a wedding that she had to attend.

We no longer consider her in our arrangements but it is very difficult when she is telling everyone and us the exact dates and times she is coming. Most recently for A's baptism we wanted to pick a date that most of our families could attend. We talked in detail with her and her parents and picked a date that worked for everyone. We did not want to give her an excuse not to come by saying we pucked a bad date for her. We booked a beach house and then she said she wasn't coming bc it was a bad date, then she was coming again, then she wasn't. It wasn't until the week before the event that she really wasn't coming and she blamed it on the stress of her rocky marriage and the dog her husband got without telling her even though she had known for at least a month.

She decided coming to visit our new home would be better bc things would calm down for her at home and she would have more 1-1 time with A. She comments all over fb that she can't wait to see us soon and she did this about the baptism as well.

She is now pissed that my family and hs step sister are all meeting up to go to a football game and she was never invited. H has explained to her that he would be stuck with 2 expensive tickets bc she never follows thru on plans and that we won't plan anything with her bc she can't be relied on. Logic doesn't work with her.

I do not believe she is going to be visiting in a few weeks and now she has it in her head she wants us to go to my parents for Christmas and she wants to come there as well. I know she won't actually come but im having a hard time dealing with her when she calls and comments with her detailed plans for her visits. She has even emailed my mom asking if she wanted to take a trip with her to visit us. Sounds nice but it would be canceled 100 times and never actually happened.

Sorry this got so long, for now I can handle it, and h deals with her most of the time but its hard for me to watch him be constantly let down and I want to prevent this from happening to A. Right now shes so little it doesn't matter but mil behavior isn't going to change.

[greycat]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would limit your interactions with her to a level that's comfortable. If you can have pleasant phone calls than I would stick to that. If she starts talking about trips and plans I would change the subject.

I definitely wouldn't make plans around her schedule going forward. I would give her minimal explanations - you don't owe her anything. As a last resort, you may need to distance yourselves or cut her out entirely.

My MIL can be like this. She didn't visit me in the hospital when I had DS (5 mi, 10 min away). Yet she wanted us to stop at her house on my way home from the hospital. She rarely comes to our house even when invited far in advance. I know it upsets MH and that makes me twice as angry. I've chosen to focus on her positive traits and the things she does well. I change the subject if needed. And I don't expect her to go anywhere.

[niki]

Does she have some anxiety issues? I know people like that with anxiety like the "idea" of doing something social, will plan on doing them, and then cancel because the stress of actually doing the activity is just too much to handle.

[ECB]

You've mostly gotten to the point of not planning things based on her. Now you need to get to the point where you stop worrying about explaining things to her. You say logic doesn't work? Then stop using logic. She's upset she wasn't invited? Just say "I understand you're upset". Period. ANd I agree- change the topic when she starts talking about her plans OR just learn to say "uh huh" and let it go in one ear and out the other. This is who she is and it sucks. But you really have to learn to stop caring and to stop explaining or defending.

[marie3246]

Sept 28, 2014 13:38:53 GMT -5 greycat said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would limit your interactions with her to a level that's comfortable. If you can have pleasant phone calls than I would stick to that. If she starts talking about trips and plans I would change the subject.

I definitely wouldn't make plans around her schedule going forward. I would give her minimal explanations - you don't owe her anything. As a last resort, you may need to distance yourselves or cut her out entirely.

My MIL can be like this. She didn't visit me in the hospital when I had DS (5 mi, 10 min away). Yet she wanted us to stop at her house on my way home from the hospital. She rarely comes to our house even when invited far in advance. I know it upsets MH and that makes me twice as angry. I've chosen to focus on her positive traits and the things she does well. I change the subject if needed. And I don't expect her to go anywhere.

We have been dealing with her for years like this and we have explained that we won't make plans around her like taking off work or telling people they can't come and visit but she doesn't get it. Like even for the baptism, she wanted to go in half with us to rent this huge beach house, we thought about and booked the smaller nicer one and then she was coming then not coming. And was 100% coming a week before and we were like shit, we have no where for her to stay. We didn't tell her that bc she would have used that as the excuse as to why she couldn't come but I still stressed about it until the last min. I just don't know how to deal with her telling A that she will see her in Oct and then she never comes.

[marie3246]

Sept 28, 2014 14:24:04 GMT -5 ECB said:

You've mostly gotten to the point of not planning things based on her. Now you need to get to the point where you stop worrying about explaining things to her. You say logic doesn't work? Then stop using logic. She's upset she wasn't invited? Just say "I understand you're upset". Period. ANd I agree- change the topic when she starts talking about her plans OR just learn to say "uh huh" and let it go in one ear and out the other. This is who she is and it sucks. But you really have to learn to stop caring and to stop explaining or defending.

Very true, I pretty much don't deal with her at all and that has helped a lot. I also know she's not going to not tell A her plans when she is able to call her or if she does she her when she visits. I guess h will just have to set a firm boundry and tell her she can't tell A about any future trips.

[ECB]

With A- that sucks. You can TRY having DH tell MIL "don't get As hopes up", but if she still insists on saying she's coming, all you can do it try to buffer from the other side. Don't be negative, but "Yeah, I know she said she's coming, but grandma is really busy and often has to change her plans. " and try to just (gently) get her to realize that grandma isn't reliable. I wouldn't use those words, but you can state the facts: "grandma changes her mind/plans alot", "We don't make any plans based on her", etc.

[marie3246]

Sept 28, 2014 13:56:31 GMT -5 niki said:

Does she have some anxiety issues? I know people like that with anxiety like the "idea" of doing something social, will plan on doing them, and then cancel because the stress of actually doing the activity is just too much to handle.

Not that I know of, she just very self absorbed and horrible with money. She complains about plane tickets being expensive yet won't book when they are cheap. She doesn't understand saving for anything. She says she wants to visit but then sees something she has to buy now and then she doesn't have money and doesn't understand why. Then after the event that she backs out on she sends emails, texts, fb messages about how sad she is that she missed it and seemed like she realized she messed up. Every single time..

[greycat]

Sept 28, 2014 14:24:04 GMT -5 ECB said:

You've mostly gotten to the point of not planning things based on her. Now you need to get to the point where you stop worrying about explaining things to her. You say logic doesn't work? Then stop using logic. She's upset she wasn't invited? Just say "I understand you're upset". Period. ANd I agree- change the topic when she starts talking about her plans OR just learn to say "uh huh" and let it go in one ear and out the other. This is who she is and it sucks. But you really have to learn to stop caring and to stop explaining or defending.

This is good advice. I think you offer a short explanation and nothing more. Change the subject or get off the phone if she persists.

[nonsenseabound]

My MIL is bit like this. She has health problems so sometimes she had legit reasons for cancelling. Sometimes it's because she makes poor choices. And sometimes it's because she's an idiot.

I've been dealing with it for the last 6 years since we had kids. I've decided it's a blessing that my MIL doesn't visit too often and we don't have to deal with her in person. We stopped telling her about plans that are not essential to her. So we tell her about baptisms and Christmas. We set aside specific times for her (but figure that we will enjoy a free weekend if it comes to that) but we never tell our kids unless she is in the car on her way here. It sucks and it hurts DH and the kids. However, all you can do is control your reaction and not let her whimsical and unrealistic plans affect your life.