Home alone at 7?

[summer]

parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/home-alone-at-7-safe-and-learning-to-stay-that-way/?module=BlogPost-Title&version=Blog%20Main&contentCollection=U.S.&action=Click&pgtype=Blogs®ion=Body

There’s that scene in the Pixar movie “The Incredibles” in which Elastigirl is flying a jet toward the island where her husband, Mr. Incredible, is being held by the evil Syndrome. Missiles are coming toward the jet, and with no other options, Elastigirl turns to her daughter, Violet, for help.



“You have to put a force field around the plane!” she commands.



“But you said we weren’t supposed to use our powers!” Violet says, distressed and overwhelmed.



“I know what I said, but listen to what I’m saying now!” her mother says.



“But I’ve never done one that big before,” Violet says, trying weakly to create the protective field.



She can’t do it, and the plane goes down. Elastigirl and her kids, Violet and Dash, survive because this is a kids’ movie and they are superheroes. But the close call is a slap in the face to Elastigirl, who has been insisting for years that her kids live normal lives — without the help of the superpowers they were born with.



I’ve been thinking about this scene a lot recently, mostly since what I thought was a very benign essay I wrote for Babble.com has been making waves big enough to land my family on national news. My 7-year-old son had been asking for over a year to be able to stay home alone while I ran errands around our neighborhood. I resisted for some time, but finally decided that he was ready for the responsibility and prepared him as best I could for whatever difficulties I thought could arise in my short absence.



We went over fire safety, what to do if a stranger knocked and how to use the iPad to call me or his dad if he needed help (we don’t have a home phone). I even reminded him where the snacks were in case he needed something to eat in the 30 or so minutes I would be away.



Somehow, this was a big deal. A 7-year-old home alone for less than an hour was a “tragedy waiting to happen.” Some people thought I was neglectful or lazy. Others thought it was simply ridiculous. Although I generally don’t read the comments, it was clear to me that I had unintentionally struck a chord that was sending reverberations throughout the parenting community as people from all over the place chimed in.



And while I am shocked that my little experiment — testing my son’s maturity in the fairly safe and controlled environment of our own home — was so explosive, I am more surprised at how very little credit we seem to give our children and how little we think they can handle. We seem to think so little of our kids that we don’t even try to prepare them for dangerous situations in which they may find themselves. Instead we assume that the only safe place to be is right by our sides all the time. And the only responsible thing for us to do as parents is to keep them there.



Parenthood, however, is the process of helping someone dependent and somewhat clueless become a capable, confident, informed and independent being. Some of those processes take place subconsciously and without serious thought or effort on our part. Others we must carefully weigh and consider as we decide what our children are ready for and whether the benefits of more autonomy outweigh the possible costs. Sometimes our teaching flows very naturally from the way we live our lives, and other times it must be an explicit lesson with strict parameters and defined limits.



But throughout children’s lives, as we watch them grow and help them build a strong understanding of the world, we slowly pull away. We are always ready to step in and help if needed, but we also give them enough space so that their development is not inhibited by the way we hover over or lean in on every move they make.



If we are watching our children closely and carefully, we should be able to see when we have an opportunity to step back so that they can step forward. Hopefully, we will have prepared them for that time so that they will be empowered to act appropriately — to keep the plane in the sky, so to speak, or at the very least to be able to take care of themselves for half an hour at a time.

[summer]

At 7 or 8, I was walking home from school by myself and hanging out at home doing my homework until my mom got home at 6. And this was before cell phones and what not, obviously.

[thejackpot]

If you want to test him: go outside and garden, take a long leisurely bath, clean up the garage. That seems like plenty of testing to me.

[katfco]

I feel like we've got a subculture of parents who are trying to "out-cool" each other. They all want to be "that" parent whose children are so mature and so well-behaved they exceed all expectations. I don't know if it's a reaction to helicopter parenting or a sense of nostalgia for the "good old days," but there are so many articles and blog posts focused on how breezy and go-with-the-flow a parent is being.

[laurenpetro]

Sept 28, 2014 15:37:41 GMT -5 katfco said:

I feel like we've got a subculture of parents who are trying to "out-cool" each other. They all want to be "that" parent whose children are so mature and so well-behaved they exceed all expectations. I don't know if it's a reaction to helicopter parenting or a sense of nostalgia for the "good old days," but there are so many articles and blog posts focused on how breezy and go-with-the-flow a parent is being.

It could also be that kids are actually able to function at this level but helicopter parenting has made this seem like bad parenting.

[y4m]

Sept 28, 2014 15:13:07 GMT -5 summer said:

At 7 or 8, I was walking home from school by myself and hanging out at home doing my homework until my mom got home at 6. And this was before cell phones and what not, obviously.

Me too. And a locked house has only gotten safer since then. Fire sprinklers, security systems, cell phones, etc. The fact that people think this is ridiculous makes me really hesitate to have kids.

[stealthmom]

Sept 28, 2014 16:06:44 GMT -5 laurenpetro said:

Sept 28, 2014 15:37:41 GMT -5 katfco said:

I feel like we've got a subculture of parents who are trying to "out-cool" each other. They all want to be "that" parent whose children are so mature and so well-behaved they exceed all expectations. I don't know if it's a reaction to helicopter parenting or a sense of nostalgia for the "good old days," but there are so many articles and blog posts focused on how breezy and go-with-the-flow a parent is being.

It could also be that kids are actually able to function at this level but helicopter parenting has made this seem like bad parenting.

yep. I was babysitting infants at 12 ffs. I don't remember for myself but my sister was left home alone around that age for an hour or so.

[gretchenindisguise]

So L and I have even reading Ramona by Beverly Cleary. In the first book, Ramona starts kindergarten and one day her mom leaves her at home in the morning to walk to school by herself. She has to watch the clock and leave at the right time (which she messes up) and then walk to school.

It's interesting how in one generation that has gone from not abnormal to a CPS-call worthy event.

[Deleted]

I think every kid and every situation is different. At age 4, we can trust C to be on a different level of the house for 20ish minutes; we did it today painting the basement while he played on the middle floor. He's a pretty cautious rule follower that has so far never drawn on the walls and needs to wash his hands when they are sticky. In contrast I was causing calls to poison control and trips to the ER at his age. Would we leave the house now, absolutely not. But I was 6/7 when my brother and I were off in our apartment complexes with the other kids with no parents around for what felt like hours at a time; and my brother was 11 and I was 7 when we had summers unsupervised for hrs at a time while both our parents worked. I think if you have the right temperment, the right training/resources, the right neighbors, it can be done in small doses.

[irishbride2]

Our 4 year can stay at home while I walk the dog (with house ways on sight. ) I could see how in 3 years she might be able to handle being home while I'm running an errand. But I have no clue.

[cinco]

Sept 28, 2014 16:39:34 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

Sept 28, 2014 16:06:44 GMT -5 laurenpetro said:

It could also be that kids are actually able to function at this level but helicopter parenting has made this seem like bad parenting.

yep. I was babysitting infants at 12 ffs.

Having a 12 year old babysitter is legal here, but leaving a 7 year old home alone isn't. Our sitter is 12 and she is great! Dd1 is 8 and has no desire to be left alone. I see no reason to push it, nor would I judge someone who did (it's legal at 8). Not sure why we have to go from one extreme to the other. "A tragedy waiting to happen" or an example of helicopter parenting/not trusting our kids.

[mominatrix]

I don't know why this is automatically flame worthy.

When is it okay to start leaving a kid home alone for short errands? Puberty?

I wasn't left home after school at 7 or 8, but by 11-12ish, I was home after school and expected to make the family dinner, on my own, and have it ready to go when mom and dad got home.

... And that with being home alone three or more hours after school each day...

You have to start somewhere. If you want your 18 year old to be able to go to college, they have to be fairly independent by 16, which means they have to start learning those skills someone.

[summer]

Sept 28, 2014 16:51:57 GMT -5 cinco said:

Sept 28, 2014 16:39:34 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

yep. I was babysitting infants at 12 ffs.

Having a 12 year old babysitter is legal here, but leaving a 7 year old home alone isn't. Our sitter is 12 and she is great! Dd1 is 8 and has no desire to be left alone. I see no reason to push it, nor would I judge someone who did (it's legal at 8). Not sure why we have to go from one extreme to the other. "A tragedy waiting to happen" or an example of helicopter parenting/not trusting our kids.

I agree with this. People usually know their own kids.  

That said, I'm extremely uncomfortable with the stories about CPS being called all the time when kids are out alone.  I know the line is hard to find, but I don't like it. 

[blink]

I think my dad left me home alone when I was 5 or 6 so I could finish watching a TV show (Sliders or Xena), while he went to pick up my sister from camp (20 minute trip total). I was also frequently left to my own devices during my dad's softball games (park/sandbox/playground). At 10 or so my mom was big into making candles and opened up a shop in our front porch and she and my dad would go off to craft shows on the weekends and leave me behind to "man the store" (or I went with to the craft shows, it depended on my dad's work schedule). We lived in the middle cornfield, though, and so we only had someone come out maybe once or twice a day when I would be home.

I just think this subject is so hard, because every child is different and so blanket statements don't work. I was fine to leave home by myself when I was little, but not every kid is. Looking back on my above anecdotes I can see how what my parents did could have gone so horribly wrong.

[MrsAxilla]

Colorado does not have a particular age requirement for leaving children alone. Ben is seven and I'm considering leaving him for up to 20 to 30 minutes. DH and I are thinking of taking up running as exercise we could do together (Couch to 5K). Ben is mature enough to see to himself on weekend mornings - sometimes he wakes up hours before we do. I know he's not technically alone then...but he kind of is. I think he'd be just fine for 20 minutes while DH and I ran around the block.

[aurora]

Sept 28, 2014 16:09:07 GMT -5 y4m said:

Sept 28, 2014 15:13:07 GMT -5 summer said:

At 7 or 8, I was walking home from school by myself and hanging out at home doing my homework until my mom got home at 6. And this was before cell phones and what not, obviously.

Me too. And a locked house has only gotten safer since then. Fire sprinklers, security systems, cell phones, etc. The fact that people think this is ridiculous makes me really hesitate to have kids.

Although we have more significant reasons for our choice to remain child-free, I'd be lying if I said this sort of helicopter parenting culture wasn't a factor. Neither of us grew up with anything like today's constant supervision.

[thatgirl2478]

it disturbs me that in IL you have to be 14 before you can be left alone...

[MrsAxilla]

Sept 28, 2014 18:02:39 GMT -5 thatgirl2478 said:

it disturbs me that in IL you have to be 14 before you can be left alone...

Wow!  In Colorado, you are allowed to work at age 12 (as a babysitter or whatnot).  Fourteen is nuts!

[cinco]

Sept 28, 2014 18:02:39 GMT -5 thatgirl2478 said:

it disturbs me that in IL you have to be 14 before you can be left alone...

That is out of control.

[irishbride2]

In FL, apparently, there is no set age.

[thatgirl2478]

Sept 28, 2014 18:12:05 GMT -5 cinco said:

Sept 28, 2014 18:02:39 GMT -5 thatgirl2478 said:

it disturbs me that in IL you have to be 14 before you can be left alone...

That is out of control.

That's what I think too.  I mean, I'm not going to leave my 3 yrold home alone, but at 13 I'm sure she'll be fine... except I could get arrested... Which is completely nuts.

[Deleted]

I think leaving your seven year old at home by themselves for less than an hour is just fine, particularly if you're in the neighborhood and they know how to reach you.

Not to get all old ladyish but I think it's actually easier to leave your kid now than it used to be. You can actually talk to your parent while they are gone now, both when they reach their destination and while they are driving. As kids, if your parents left you, you wouldn't call them if there was an issue or even if you just wanted to ask if there was any more apple juice. You'd have to call the neighbor or walk to the neighbor's house. Perhaps you could call the house where they'd gone for dinner and maybe your parents were already there or hadn't yet left to return home.

Seven is old enough to play at the park or the neighborhood or even shallow woods for hours at a time. How is that more acceptable than leaving your child at home for thirty minutes to watch Ninjago?

[y4m]

Sept 28, 2014 19:08:20 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Seven is old enough to play at the park or the neighborhood or even shallow woods for hours at a time. How is that more acceptable than leaving your child at home for thirty minutes to watch Ninjago?

I bet the folks who would call CPS on a kid home alone for half an hour would also do it for the above.

[emisi]

I think it depends on the kid. I would hope that mom knows her kid enough to know he's mature enough to be home by himself. I worry that kids today are being wrapped in bubble wrap and there's a whole generation coming of age that won't be able to decide on a red shirt versus a blue one without calling mom to ask her opinion.

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2014 17:04:40 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

Colorado does not have a particular age requirement for leaving children alone. Ben is seven and I'm considering leaving him for up to 20 to 30 minutes. DH and I are thinking of taking up running as exercise we could do together (Couch to 5K). Ben is mature enough to see to himself on weekend mornings - sometimes he wakes up hours before we do. I know he's not technically alone then...but he kind of is. I think he'd be just fine for 20 minutes while DH and I ran around the block.

W is 8 and I've done this. I've needed to run to the grocery store for three things and they're busy playing, and said store is 4 minutes away. We know our neighbors, their eyes are always around, and W has proven he can handle the responsibility (even with his 6-yr old sister there as well; he likes "being in charge").

If you've got a way for the capable child to call you if they have a question or concern, and you've set up a mechanism for when they might need to call you or another contact (i.e. a timeframe for your return that is easy to discern), I don't see the issue.

[Deleted]

The idea that your seven year old can't do anything is probably part of the red shirt phenomenon.

whattheheck, that's exactly what happens/happened in our household. They are a touch older now, almost 13, and 11 and a two and a half year old besides. But when I started leaving them but not with the baby, I had to tell each of them that they are responsible for themselves. The oldest was allowed to interfere in the case of legitimate and immediate fear of danger but other than that, just judge silently and let me know when I get home. Then I told the younger one that if she didn't want her brother ratting her out, she shouldn't give him a reason.

Those are tricky ages, imo, trying to sort out what they are fine doing.

Does your six year old listen pretty well to the 11 year old? My youngest follows his older brother like a shadow and pretty much does whatever he tells him to. They hang out and watch movies and spend time together when I'm here so I've become more comfortable leaving them together. I wouldn't trust my eleven year old to watch her brother though because not only is she not proactive with him, she has no damned sense. She'd totally let him play with matches in a dirty diaper.

[MrsAxilla]

Sept 28, 2014 19:08:20 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

I think leaving your seven year old at home by themselves for less than an hour is just fine, particularly if you're in the neighborhood and they know how to reach you.

Not to get all old ladyish but I think it's actually easier to leave your kid now than it used to be. You can actually talk to your parent while they are gone now, both when they reach their destination and while they are driving. As kids, if your parents left you, you wouldn't call them if there was an issue or even if you just wanted to ask if there was any more apple juice. You'd have to call the neighbor or walk to the neighbor's house. Perhaps you could call the house where they'd gone for dinner and maybe your parents were already there or hadn't yet left to return home.

Seven is old enough to play at the park or the neighborhood or even shallow woods for hours at a time. How is that more acceptable than leaving your child at home for thirty minutes to watch Ninjago?

When I was in 6th grade - so 12, I guess - my mom went out on a date and left me and my 9 yo brother alone with no sitter.  I had some issue I needed to talk to her about (probably tattling on my brother - lol).  Anyway, I called the restaurant she was at and I fell asleep waiting for them to find her and get her to the phone.  

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2014 19:48:04 GMT -5 trident0 said:

I was curious so I checked my state.  The DSHS had this article:

---------------------------------------
There is no federal or Washington state law regarding the age when children may stay home alone or baby-sit. Parents need to take into consideration the skills and maturity of the child. Some children mature sooner than other children. 　

...

Most authorities agree that leaving a 12-year-old alone at home for an hour or two is acceptable, but someone this age should not be responsible for other children.　

The decision to leave a child home alone is a very personal decision that needs to be made based on parents’ feelings and experience with their own child.　In general, children under the age of 10 should not be left on their own and babies and younger children should not be left alone even for a few minutes.
----------------------------------------------

I got my first babysitting job in the 6th grade, so I would have been 11 or 12 then.  I had a toddler and a preschooler and I watched them Friday and Saturday nights.  I was mature?

I think you were average. How the hell old were all those girls in The Babysitter's Club? At twelve, I babysat for all of the people my mom worked with. On average, they had three kids under 6, usually a kindergartner, a preschooler, and a toddler who was old enough to walk but not old enough to potty train. I'd get there around 7ish, send them to bed around 8:30ish, and then lay on the couch and watch movies or Elvira Up All Night. Around 1 or 2 in the morning, I'd wake up to infomercials and the father would drive me home. Then I'd spend Saturday at the pool and blow my $20 on Ben and Jerry's, Snapple, and hostess cakes. Well after I bought the new Aerosmith CD.

Life was good. 

[Deleted]

When I was like 10, my mom would get a babysitter for her date nights but then she'd leave us at home while she drove the sitter home. Once my brother fell while trying to climb on the counter (I told that fucker not to be stupid.) He cut his leg all down the side and I had to use my girl scout training to save his life/slather neosporin and a bandaid on it.

I felt very grown up.

[josieposy]

I feel kinda iffy on 7, but I've also heard of 7 year olds with cell phones. I mean I was babysitting my sister at 10 and for other kids around 11 or 12-ish. I dunno. Probably depends on the kid.