Adjustments during marriage

[travelbug]

What were your major adjustments during your first year or few years of marriage? Either that you anticipated or didn't anticipate?  

[MrsMB]

I think the one thing I noticed initially was that he really and I mean REALLY wanted input on home decor. Keep in mind I was an active poster on D&R back then...what is now called "Home and Garden" here on GBCN. I was seeing all these women talk about their design ideas and what they were doing. I was so shocked my husband had opinions on this! (Silly wifey!)

Now that I am older (and maybe wiser), I understand he wants input too. Now that I learned this crucial lesson, I'll ask his input. He usually lets me pick out what I want anyway. But he wanted to be asked Oh, to be able to talk to the 25 year-old-me....LOL

[rockinrobyn]

I always cooked for myself prior to getting married and would cook for him when he came over. I endjoued it at the time and didn't think I was a bad cook. After we got married he started cooking becuase he was way more into the nurtritional aspect of cooking. He didn't like to eat casseroles and wanted to be able to control what ingredients were used. So, I no longer cook and if I do he is uaually behind me commenting/critiquing how I am doing it and I then get pissed and walk out.

[Deleted]

My biggest adjustment was learning to depend on someone else. I was raised to be independent so it was hard to learn that it's ok to depend on someone else. DH would get frustrated with me at times in the beginning but he is more understanding now. I still have issues sometimes but I'm getting better at it.

[awick14]

Ours weren't in the first few years of marriage but in the first few years living together.

-how to get through IL things. (On both sides) once we started living together my ILs wanted us to be at all their gathering around the holidays and they didn't like us spending the time with my family. (Well MIL didn't) and DH is very close to his family so it was hard for him to not be with them during some holidays. (Years later he could care less where we go, lol)

-dealing with living with someone that wasn't useless. (This one was hard for me, because my X that I lived with was really useless and I don't know why I thought it was the norm) I had to do everything because that's just the way I had always lived, and he would get mad that I wouldn't want help to do dinner or clean or anything. I wish it was still like this some days... Lol

[MrsAggie]

DH's stuff EVERYWHERE
DH's messiness
Sharing time between families/split holidays
DH slowly learning to include me in decisions...after a "Oh, I didn't tell you my parents were coming to stay this weekend?" On a Friday 1 hour before they arrived.
Being separated 2.5 months after being married with non-private phone calls and a terrible internet connection as our source of relationship for the 6 months H was in Iraq.

[ewall]

My biggest adjustment was not having things around the house "just so". Like, I would never put the liner in the trash can with it showing on the outside - that's what the inside hooks are for! But H installs the liner using the outside rim so I have to let it go.

We tackled the important issues in Pre-Cana. I told him he needed to stop flinging the shower curtain back because it slips over the edge of the tub and then drains onto the floor. He told me I needed to stop leaving time remaining on the microwave screen and use the clear button for its intended purpose.

So basically the quirky stuff that the other person does - we had to get used to that.

[awick14]

ewall- I agree with your H, the microwave screen NEEDS to be cleared of that extra time! Thankfully DH and I agree on this. lol

[estrellita]

I think our biggest thing was money. It was difficult at first combining our accounts because I think we were both very "mine" about our money. It's worked out fairly well minus some hiccups of course.

I think the only other things have just been those little habits we get into. We've actually gotten in a mini fight over how he folds pants. He folds them in thirds and they don't fit well on the shelf like that! Oh, and he folds shirts backwards sometimes. Wouldn't you want to see the front to know which shirt you're grabbing??

[travelbug]

I couldn't go to the bathroom for the longest time when he was around. Lame, yes, but i'd always wait until he was out at work or in dire need go in the other bathroom...

Money was another big one, still is. We were raised quite differently regarding this so combining and the struggle of what we can afford or how "well off" we are doing differs a lot between us..

I knew my H liked to relax and watch TV/Video Games but I didn't realize how much he could just in a sense "do nothing" where as it's hard for me to sit still for long periods of time and not do anything.

[HoneySpider]

Oct 8, 2014 17:09:25 GMT -5 ewall said:

My biggest adjustment was not having things around the house "just so". Like, I would never put the liner in the trash can with it showing on the outside - that's what the inside hooks are for! But H installs the liner using the outside rim so I have to let it go.

We tackled the important issues in Pre-Cana. I told him he needed to stop flinging the shower curtain back because it slips over the edge of the tub and then drains onto the floor. He told me I needed to stop leaving time remaining on the microwave screen and use the clear button for its intended purpose.

So basically the quirky stuff that the other person does - we had to get used to that.

Wait, there are hooks on the inside of garbage cans? What?

[ewall]

Oct 8, 2014 18:05:23 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Oct 8, 2014 17:09:25 GMT -5 ewall said:

My biggest adjustment was not having things around the house "just so". Like, I would never put the liner in the trash can with it showing on the outside - that's what the inside hooks are for! But H installs the liner using the outside rim so I have to let it go.

We tackled the important issues in Pre-Cana. I told him he needed to stop flinging the shower curtain back because it slips over the edge of the tub and then drains onto the floor. He told me I needed to stop leaving time remaining on the microwave screen and use the clear button for its intended purpose.

So basically the quirky stuff that the other person does - we had to get used to that.

Wait, there are hooks on the inside of garbage cans? What?

Yes! My fancy $10 plastic Walmart can from college has hooks/handles inside to hold the bag 

[wanderingenough]

Ours was probably money. No issues with combining it, but the actual budgeting of it. We were both used to doing our own way. H is fabulous with money but literally does everything in his head. He doesn't even have bill pay reminders but never misses a thing. I tracked everything and (at the time) was still awful. He didn't want me in charge because I wasn't great at it and I didn't want him because I thought he would try to control my spending. Finally I decided to try it his way for three months. I figured if I was unhappy with how it went, I'd bring the convo back up. He has handled it ever since.

[HoneySpider]

Oct 8, 2014 18:10:33 GMT -5 ewall said:

Oct 8, 2014 18:05:23 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Wait, there are hooks on the inside of garbage cans? What?

Yes! My fancy $10 plastic Walmart can from college has hooks/handles inside to hold the bag 

Huh. I have never noticed that ever on a garbage can. Now I'm going to look when I buy a new one (I'll still put the liner over, but I'm just curious)

[Deleted]

I had to get used to drawers, cabinets, and cupboards being slightly ajar. My H seems allergic to fully closing them.

We had to adjust to budgeting, as others already mentioned. I learned to cook so there's enough for leftovers. I also adjusted to my H being a night owl. He's adjusted to me leaving my to-do lists all over the house.

[melsamoony]

The biggest thing I had to adjust to was living w a guy...I have 2 sisters, no brothers and I didnt have to share much space w my dad so living w a guy was an adjustment. Now I have a son lol! I think it is karma for all the trouble I caused my dad growing up.

[grover]

Oct 8, 2014 17:57:31 GMT -5 estrellita said:

We've actually gotten in a mini fight over how he folds pants. He folds them in thirds and they don't fit well on the shelf like that! Oh, and he folds shirts backwards sometimes. Wouldn't you want to see the front to know which shirt you're grabbing??

I have to refold my pants and underwear after H folds them for me. He folds both in thirds...With my pants in thirds on the top shelf I cannot reach the ones at the top of the stack.  My underwear it is just a pet peeve to have them folded that small because I have different styles in the same color and I'd have to completely unfold them to tell which is which.

We had to adjust our boundaries with extended family. Another one from just moving in together officially (and in a two story + basement rather than a 2 bedroom apartment) was just remembering that it is completely cool to do our own things, but to make sure we do our own things (reading/games/tv/internet) while in the same room. Otherwise it got to the point where he'd be doing whatever in the basement and I'd be upstairs and we wouldn't be in the same room at all for a few days besides sleeping.

[Waffles]

I'm the one who doesn't like to clean dishes, close doors all the way shut, and clutters up the bathroom and kitchen counters.

So I've had to adjust to him being cleaner and neater than me.
I still have trouble remembering to shut the pantry door all the way closed when I get something out of it. I don't see the point in shutting the half bathroom door all the way.
We are still dealing with the dishes. I declared last week that if he doesn't want a pile of tupperware in the sink, then I'm sticking it in the dishwasher, whether he likes it or not. He prefers to hand-wash them because they toss around - but he waits for me to wash them first. I prefer to just not use the plastic ones anyway if they are that much trouble to clean.
The dishes are really our biggest problem. So I guess that's good since it's not that bad...

I leave things everywhere. I take my socks off when I'm watching TV on the couch, and often forget them. He doesn't like this... and I don't blame him. But I always forget them! And the sweaters on the bench... And shoes all in a pile... Where are they supposed to go?
So I'm trying to get better at putting things away, finding a proper place for things (that's part of the trouble - we don't know where to put some things yet, and don't have designated spots for some items [though that doesn't apply to dirty socks]).

Lastly is food.
When I lived alone, I would be fine with a bowl of cereal for dinner, and then falling asleep afterward. Or just a microwaveable thing of mac&cheese. But he's much more focused on nutrition than I am. He aims for having a balanced meal, whereas I aimed at just eating something before bed. I'm also quite a picky eater, and am grossed out by raw meat. I haven't even tried adjusting to this yet. But I hope to get over this before we have kids so I can help more with cooking.

And KIMCHI! Ugh. Adjusting to that has been awful. And his parents always bring it over for him. It stinks up the whole house. I usually have to go outside, or upstairs to hide from the smell.

[Deleted]

Waffles What is Kimchi?

I find that I'm often cleaning up a trail of my H's socks. They often make it close to, but not actually into, the hamper.

[Waffles]

Oct 9, 2014 10:02:16 GMT -5 @moonbeam said:

Waffles What is Kimchi?

I find that I'm often cleaning up a trail of my H's socks. They often make it close to, but not actually into, the hamper.

According to Wikipedia:
"It is a traditional fermented Korean side dish made of vegetables with a variety of seasonings. It is often described as spicy and sour."
I believe the stuff his family buys has fish sauce in it.  I don't know, it just has a very strong, disgusting smell. 
His mom is from Taiwan, so he grew up with all sorts of different foods that I had never seen, heard of, or smelled before.  It has been... interesting...

[Deleted]

That particular dish doesn't sound appetizing!

I've been introducing my H to traditional Russian dishes, like borscht. It turns out he likes most of them, but they are not that exotic.

[Waffles]

He and his family all love it, but it stinks up the whole house, and I think it smells awful.

I've introduced him to casseroles and the idea of having biscuits with food instead of rice I've asked before if they will have biscuits with dinner (like during Thanksgiving) and he says they have rice instead. I'm just not that used to rice, I guess. Biscuits anyday!
I grew up with some country cooking and fairly simple foods in general. I don't have a lot I can really introduce him to other than restaurants

[luv2rn4fun]

DH had to get used to a much longer commute. This caused many issues in our first year of marriage because he was pretty angry (granted the traffic/commute was horrendous and much different than his 5 minute commute he enjoyed pre-marriage).

We both had to adjust to very different sex drives and compromising on this issue (although DH could have compromised much more!). This was a huge adjustment and not something we anticipated during our engagement (we waited til our wedding night to have sex). In our pre-marital class, DH made the statement about wanting sex every day...once we got back from the honeymoon it was apparent that 2 days/week was really pushing it and there were times where it was once every two weeks, even if I initiated it would often lead to rejection, etc. We both had to work through these issues...it's much better now, even though the frequency hasn't changed all that much.

[bk1]

Hmmmm...

DH and I did things kinda weird. We dated while I was in college, so I went to school 2 hours away and drove back and "lived" with him every weekend/summer. We got engaged in March and that summer he took a job that had him traveling all over the USA for 1-3 months at a time. We got married less then a month after I finished college and I started traveling with him after that. When we got engaged I started paying all of his bills (with his money) and eventually we just combined everything financially (pre-marriage).


So basically we did things a little different. The biggest adjustment was the traveling. We enjoyed it, but it also meant for the first time we were truly and fully living together we would be off in random states where we didn't know anyone. It was lonely for me (DH was required to work a minimum of 60 hours a week, sometimes over 90), but at the same time we had the most amazing experiences. We also were able to do lots of fun things every weekend. 

[Deleted]

Many, many little things.

Our first year living together was tough. We were both older, had been on our own/doing things our own way for so long, and a lot of little things caused dumb fights.

A huge, unfair adjustment for DH was accommodating my side business/flow of customers. I should have rented an office--it would have alleviated a lot of stress. Now that I have a garage office, it is sooooooo much better.