WWWCD???

[luv2rn4fun]

My step mom and I went shopping on Tues.  Afterwards, we stopped at Starbucks and chatted for a while.  While talking she brings up that DH seems stressed about money and feels like I'm being deprived of things because I don't go shopping and spend tons of money.  I explain to her that we have a budget that we agreed to (pre-marriage and throughout the past 3 1/2 years, it's mutual, I have my own fun money, etc).  She then inquires more about how we do things because she's curious about how we've been able to pretty much pay off our house.  I let her know how we work our budget on a day to day basis, etc and she wants a template for the categories, etc.

This all leads me to tell DH about this conversation, leaving out the concern that she had about DH.  But he asked how this even came up so I felt I had to tell him.  He was hurt and offended, feeling that they don't approve of him and that he's not providing enough.  This breaks my heart because I think it's admirable that DH is willing/encouraging me to give up my job/salary for me to stay home.  Our tight budget is based on trying to do what's best for our family for the long term, knowing that I will be staying home and we will be one income (in SoCal, which is really HCOL). 

Both DH and I don't feel like our budget is restrictive or that we don't "live life".  My step mom kept bringing this up and I told her it's a matter of priorities.  To her, living life is being able to buy things (she didn't like that I was going to buy my nursing bras at Target vs. Nordstroms), eating out all the time, extravagent vacations, etc.  I reassured her that those aren't our priorities and that we spend a lot of our money on the house (especially this year) and that I can buy things I need out of my fun money (or if it's something that should come out of the budget I just tell DH and we plan for it).

Basically, all this stems because DH doesn't want to go out to eat with them all the time (since it's not something we do or have a budget to do) so because of this they feel that we aren't "living life", DH is stressed about money, etc when it's really more about priorities and what's important to us.  In addition, all of this was triggered by a comment DH made regarding saving the "mortgage" once we have the house paid off (they would prefer that we use some of that money to do more things, buy more things, etc).  However, we don't have a big enough e-fund and saving is a must (our e-fund will be used to replace DH's car in 1-2 years)...also, this money will go towards retirement and C's college fund, so def not a waste and something that needs to be done.

WWWCD?  Woud you have said anything to your DH?  I had a talk with my step mom after talking to DH (because we were both upset and I know it's going to cause tension between them now).  Step mom is upset that I said anything. 

ETA:  I told DH to not say anything about money to anyone in the future...it's none of their business and if he hadn't said anything then none of this would have come up.  She asked me how much we owe on our house and I just responded with, "I don't know" because it's really nobody's business.

[estrellita]

I probably would have said something to H, but I don't keep much from him. I think your step mom needs to back off. It's your money and your life and you should be able to do what you prefer without question. I could maybe understand if it were the opposite and you were overspending to the point of serious debt, but it sounds like that's what she WANTS you to do. I think it's really none of her business!

[MrsMB]

I can't believe she expected you to NOT tell your DH. You guys have such a tight bond. Ultimately, she has to respect you because you are doing what is right for your family. In my opinion, it wasn't her place to even say anything. If you guys are in a good place (you obviously are if you're paying off your mortgage), than she shouldn't have brought anything up. It's none of her business. She has no right to ask you about what you owe on your house. Her asking you for templates (because she needs advice is fine) but it's inappropriate to ask about details. I hope she realized the error of her ways.

[HoneySpider]

I probably would have told DH just because I tell him everything and, like you guys, we do our budget together and talk about it a lot.

I'm sorry your stepmom is being invasive, people have different priorities in life and while it's hard to understand why some people do what they do, that's up to them. I understand where you're coming from - when we were both working full-time, we had a little extra money to buy/do things but nothing extravagant but we never felt deprived. We really liked the fact that we were putting money in savings each month, adding more to our Roths, and paying extra on the mortgage. Those things made us feel a lot better than fancy dinners out or expensive clothes.

If she/any of your family is going to be weird I definitely just wouldn't talk about anything money related. Like you said, ultimately it's no one's business but your own.

[travelbug]

I definitely would of told DH as well. That's really invasive for her to ask all those questions about money. I think your budget and how you are handling money sounds super responsible and awesome. It's strange to me that she feels otherwise. I'd say just avoid money as a subject! Definitely no ones business but you and your DH! (hugs) to you!

[Deleted]

I agree with the others, the way you and your H run your finances is no one's business but your own. Your stepmom overstepped her bounds by prying as she did. In the future, I think it's definitely a good idea to limit how much you divulge to her about money.

I also think it's ridiculous that she was "upset" that you mentioned it to your H. How can she expect you to not say anything? Some of my in-laws have opinions on everything and don't hesitate to let everyone around them know. Over time I learned that it's better not to bring up certain subjects with them because all it does is cause stress.

[winemaker]

Yes I would definitely of told H about this. Even though I would know it would make him hate my mom more. My mom does similar things as far as making it seem like we don't know how to budget our money. When in fact we're farther along than she was.
I hope you enjoy being a stay at home momma I'm definitely jealous.

[luv2rn4fun]

Thanks ladies! I was shocked that she would expect me to keep that from DH...I tell him everything (as does he) and I am certainly not going to ever lie to him. I also agree that we need to just not say anything about how we spend our money. I'm just frustrated because now this is going to put a strain on DH's relationship with them because he feels like he is being judged (rightfully so).

winemaker- I hope I enjoy staying at home too! It's definitely going to be a big change but it has been such a long journey to get our little boy that I'm really, really looking forward to being a mom and enjoying all the little things with him! Luckily I have been WFH 3 days/week since April so I'm adjusted to being at home a lot.

[awick14]

I would also have told DH. I don't see why not.

In the future if she brings up money I would just tell her you are not talking about it and change the subject.

[wanderingenough]

It sounds like you got lots of good advice from the other ladies. I think it's really admirable that you and your H are able to look at the big picture in regards to finances and know what's important to you and where priorities should lie. Don't let anyone deflect that.

[bk1]

I would have told DH for sure. We are very open about everything.

I'm sorry you are getting unwanted input from your step mom. Some people truly just don't understand what they think is right is not the way everyone will do things. 

[D2M]

Late to the party, but I agree with everyone else that a) it is extremely admirable that you and your H will be paying off your mortgage soon and b) it's none of your stepmom's beeswax. The buying nursing bras at Target vs. Nordstrom annoys me, too. Those things get stained with smelly milk!

Just to add a different perspective on one thing, though: I can see that your dad and stepmom might get hurt if you repeatedly turn down invitations to go out to eat with them. If I were in their shoes, I'd be uncomfortable if the response to an invitation was about money. It would feel pretty wet blanket-y, know what I mean? Maybe offer to have them over for dinner instead? Or go in on a potluck?

[spankswife]

I would have blown her off. That's so rude. If she cares so much about going out to dinner,/vacations/Nordstrom, let her treat.

She should be proud that you have a much and are responsible with money. Would she rather you rack up cc on vacations and have no savings. That's just ridiculous.

In the future, I wouldn't share anything about your finances with them. I might even let her know how rude it was to ask you and corner you and it's not her business.

Sorry but I'm pissed for you.

[luv2rn4fun]

Thanks ladies! Both DH and I are on the same page and agree not to bring up finances with anyone anymore.

D2M- I agree and it won't likely be an every time sort of thing but it definitely needs to cool down. Labor day weekend we all went to my uncle's and all we did was eat out at fancy restaurants. Last weekend we were at their place and went out for dinner and then breakfast the next morning (we knew about dinner but not breakfast). We cannot keep up with that, especially once C is here. As for the future, with C coming they will likely be the ones coming to our place and therefore eating here/cooking dinner for them, etc (or they will bring food sometimes too)...it will be more even that way. Oh, and I totally side-eyed the Target vs. Nordstroms comment!