I'm having an issue with J's mother

[liubot]

My parents normally take care of S while J is working and until I get out of work but they are on vacation this week in Ireland, so his mother is watching S.

His mother and I do not speak, the woman will not be in the same room as me. We've been having a terrible issue with each other since the day I found out I was pregnant. I despise this woman.

Yesterday I picked up S at 7pm, after work from J's brother because J's mom dropped her with him so she didn't have to see me. At 7pm, I asked "Did she eat dinner?" and J's brother didn't know. I made him call his mother and ask if my daughter was fed. She had S from about 2:30pm until quarter to 7pm.

SHE HAD NOT BEEN FED besides a bottle or two of milk. UNACCEPTABLE.

S was so cranky and clingy and screamy last night so as soon as we got home around 7:30 I fed her. The poor baby inhaled her food and a bottle, and would not let me put her to bed without sleeping with me. She hasn't had this behavior in a very long time. She's usually great for bedtime.

I'm really really upset. J's mom has her tonight so I could work my second job, and Thursday night for the same reason. I spoke with J about it and he said he was upset and would get to the bottom of it, but I know he has no spine when it comes to this woman.

I gave J three options:
1. Make sure S has been fed til she can't eat any more. (He assured me she had a full ham and cheese sandwich and a gogurt for lunch, and cereal for breakfast)
2. Discuss the food situation with his mother
3. IF she doesn't have food, give her money for food for S and demand a receipt. (I don't trust this woman)

What would you do? I don't have another form of childcare until my mom and dad come back on Friday. This woman has my number blocked and I have to contact her through her son.

I don't want to have to worry that my daughter is being neglected by her grandmother when I'm not available to care for her. I'm super distraught and this has been bothering me all day.

[1confused1]

I think you have done all you can do, J needs to step up as her dad and make sure all the options you gave him are addressed.

[sweetchix]

Oct 14, 2014 14:25:11 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

I think you have done all you can do, J needs to step up as her dad and make sure all the options you gave him are addressed.

I agree with this. Unless you are willing to send food to his mother's along with S?

ETA: that should say "Or", not "Unless". I'm on my phone and can't cross it off. I do think first and foremost J should step in. However, if it would make you feel better knowing S had food available, I would send some with her.

[starburst604]

I would pack a meal for her with instructions to give it to her at a certain time.

[Deleted]

I'm not a regular on this board, but wanted to chime in to say that I think it's a good idea to pack a meal for your daughter with the instructions. Then follow up afterward to make sure she ate.

If J's mom is unable to feed your daughter, then it would probably be best to find alternative childcare arrangements for the next time your parents are out of town. I would also consider it a safety issue that your childcare provider won't take your phone calls. There has to be communication between the parent and the childcare provider, no matter what.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I'm going to echo other posters. My kid is super picky and always has been so anytime he stayed with any other caregiver, I packed bottles or food or what have you. Some people found it controlling but this way I know exactly what goes into my kid's mouth AND I can clearly see when food/milk has gone unused.

[LoveBug]

Oct 14, 2014 17:14:46 GMT -5 @moonbeam said:

I'm not a regular on this board, but wanted to chime in to say that I think it's a good idea to pack a meal for your daughter with the instructions. Then follow up afterward to make sure she ate.

If J's mom is unable to feed your daughter, then it would probably be best to find alternative childcare arrangements for the next time your parents are out of town. I would also consider it a safety issue that your childcare provider won't take your phone calls. There has to be communication between the parent and the childcare provider, no matter what.

This! Maybe send a list of what you included in a lunch tote and she can check off what DD ate or write comments on it. Similar to daycare. She can put the sheet back in the tote for you when you pick her up.

If this doesn't work, you may need to consider alternative care for her.

[berbles]

Oct 14, 2014 17:19:43 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

I'm going to echo other posters. My kid is super picky and always has been so anytime he stayed with any other caregiver, I packed bottles or food or what have you. Some people found it controlling but this way I know exactly what goes into my kid's mouth AND I can clearly see when food/milk has gone unused.

LOL for some reason, this is reminding me of Jackie from Roseanne. 

[Deleted]

How often do kids her age eat? That was 4.5 hours, which isn't an unreasonable amount of time to go without eating... though certainly I'd be hungry too, it's not quite neglect levels of hunger yet, right? Did she assume you'd be feeding your daughter when you picked her up since 7 is dinner time for a lot of people?

Obviously I don't have a toddler so ignore me if I'm totally wrong. I just am hopeful that she wasn't starving her on purpose I think packing a meal on the nights when she has her longer is a good idea, and I also agree using her for childcare doesnt' sound like a good idea. Clearly you don't trust this woman (which is not unreasonable) so you shouldn't have to have the added stress of leaving your child with her. I know a babysitter is not cheap, but if it's just for a couple of days here and there it may be worth the expense.

[liubot]

Thank you all for the feedback. J really needs to step up and stand up to his own mother and care about S's well being. I will pack meals from now on. I'm lucky that we don't have to use his mother for childcare often.

Thank you.

[callunafirefly]

I'm late to the party on this...
I would pack some snacks. Nothing too difficult that she has to prepare.
I also don't think her keeping S is a good idea. You don't like her, you don't trust her, and you have no way to contact her. I personally wouldn't leave my child with someone who had my number blocked. Its so strange that she would do this. Can J ask his mother to unblock you...at least while his mother is babysitting?

[liubot]

Oct 15, 2014 10:15:59 GMT -5 @stpete said:

I'm sorry. I would not allow a woman who refuses to contact me care for my children. Throw in the fact theat your child was not fed means it's certainly not an option. Either J needs to step up or you do. Maybe you both have to miss work- or hire someone you can trust. I understand that money is an issue but you child's well being comes in first here.

I understand this and it's ALWAYS an issue with me when she goes with J's mom. I hate it. He is aware but assures me that his mother raised two children so she is competent, which I often question. I don't like it but I also can't say that she cannot see her granddaughter because we don't get along. J and I have shared primary custody. We both make decisions for her care and I can't take that away from him either (I mean I can...but there's no grounds to do so). It's just severely frustrating.