Does this make me a bitch? (LONG)

[rockinrobyn]

H's best friend from high school (B) is engaged to a girl (M) neither of H or I like. We have given her multiple chances and she is just one of those people we just can't seem to get along with and we don't think she is right for B.  B's mom is my hairdresser and at my last appt I asked how her relationship was with M and what she thought about her. It was a fast time between meeting, dating, and engagement. We spoke for a while about M and B's mom is not fan. She basically hates her as does the rest of B's family. Well that weekend B's mom told him what I had said. He sent a text to H and I stating he was disappointed in me for talking bad about M to his mom. We didn't respond and dropped the subject.

Last night B brought it up again. Sending me a text stating that he was disappointed in me for having that conversation with his mom and the lack of support we have shown for his relationship and that M has been nothing but nice to me. I responded that I was sorry he felt that way and while I did not bring up the topic of M to his mom to be hurtful, it was just genuinely curious of her feelings towards the realatioship. I agreed she had been nice to us, but that we do not see her as someone we would normally be friends with and don't have much in common and just don't seem to mesh well. We are happy he has found someone who makes him happy.

He then sends H a text stating that he doesn't want H to be his best man anymore unless H is willing to accept her and a lot more things.

So...am I a bitch for basically ruining H's relationship with his friend? H tells me no in that it had to come out sometime and we couldn't go on pretending to like her forever.

[megkat]

Eh- for me it depends on why exactly you don't like her. For the most part though, I tend to just accept that I may need to put my personal feelings about someone aside. DH's best friend married a woman that neither of us likes. She's a nice person, she just grates on me, and basically everything she does annoys me. We've never told his best friend that though- in my mind, it would just cause hurt feelings, and I can put my personal feelings aside enough to be pleasant when she's around

Similarly, my sister married a man that I can't stand. I think he's mean to her, ad she deserves way better. But again, to me, it's not worth damaging my relationship with my sister to tell her so. I'm pretty sure some people didn't necessarily think DH and I should have gotten married, but I would have been so hurt to find out that someone told his mom that they didn't like me, or if someone told me straight out that they didn't like him

[MrsMB]

I have an unpopular opinion on this one. I feel that we as people get one shot...one...to state feelings of concern about the person a friend is marrying. At that point, you have to treat them as an adult making their own decisions and support them regardless.

Flame away.

[rockinrobyn]

I get that. I think we just see him as being able to find someone who is better. This girl has been fired from muliple jobs and quit school because it was just too much work for her. I know she is recovering from an addiction to precscription medications but even H's friend said he doesn't feel she is trying hard enough to get her life back on track, just coasting on his back.

Thanks for letting me talk this one out. We are just going to leave the topic alone and see what decisions he makes. I just hope he realizes that she was hurting their friendship long before anything was said about it because we just can't stand to be around her.

[megkat]

Oct 15, 2014 9:42:27 GMT -5 MrsMB said:

I have an unpopular opinion on this one. I feel that we as people get one shot...one...to state feelings of concern about the person a friend is marrying. At that point, you have to treat them as an adult making their own decisions and support them regardless.

Flame away.

No flames here. I tried to be diplomatic, lol, but I feel basically the same. Not my place to tell people who they should/shouldn't marry.

[megkat]

Oct 15, 2014 9:48:26 GMT -5 rockinrobyn said:

I get that. I think we just see him as being able to find someone who is better. This girl has been fired from muliple jobs and quit school because it was just too much work for her. I know she is recovering from an addiction to precscription medications but even H's friend said he doesn't feel she is trying hard enough to get her life back on track, just coasting on his back.

Thanks for letting me talk this one out. We are just going to leave the topic alone and see what decisions he makes. I just hope he realizes that she was hurting their friendship long before anything was said about it because we just can't stand to be around her.

I totally get that, and I know how hard it is to see someone with a person you think is wrong for them (seriously, my BIL is useless and a total jerk to boot). But you have to decide if it's worth destroying the relationship to you. For me, my relationship with my sister was more important, so I have never and will never tell her how I feel about her husband. If your H is willing to end his relationship with his BF over this girl, that's a decision he (and you) can make.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2014 9:42:27 GMT -5 MrsMB said:

I have an unpopular opinion on this one. I feel that we as people get one shot...one...to state feelings of concern about the person a friend is marrying. At that point, you have to treat them as an adult making their own decisions and support them regardless.

Flame away.

No flames here. I agree completely, Word for Word

[Deleted]

I think that the best way to be a good friend, in this case, is to show your friend B that you respect his judgment as an adult to decide who he wants to marry. You told him how you feel about his fiancée, but that's all you can do. It's unfortunate that it came down to your H potentially losing the friendship, but it's understandable that your friend is loyal to his fiancée. In the same situation, I would be loyal to my H even if my friends told me they didn't like him. I would similarly be really hurt if his friends told him that they didn't like me or thought he could do better.

Also, just because you think he can do better, it doesn't mean he sees it that way. He loves her, and that's just the way it is. The marriage may or may not work out, but honestly that's his problem and not yours. I get that you don't want to see him be unhappy, but you have to respect that he can make his own choices.

[estrellita]

I didn't like my H's BFF's now wife at first either. She is pretty in your face and not afraid to piss anyone off. I just didn't really like her. I gave her a chance though and she's one of my best friends now. I did bitch to H a little about her, but I didn't say anything to anyone else. If friend would have found out, I would have explained it just like you did, that you just don't mesh well and it's nothing against her. I'm sorry he's being so dramatic about it. I'd be a little hurt too, but I probably would get over it and hopefully he will too.

[rockinrobyn]

Thanks ladies. If it helps she was the one who turned it negative. I didn't give much input to the conversation, she just kind of went off but yes I did mention our dislike for her.

I will tell H that maybe he needs to invite his friend out just the two of them and work the situation out on their own. He is both of our friend as I have known him for 10 years, but he was H's friend first.