The argument for abstinence

[jigsy]

I fully support you and I don't think it is crazy, though I am interested to see how it pans out. My dating experience is very limited, but I feel like now a days, people just fall into bed really quickly, and then decide if they want to pursue a relationship. So I'll be interested to see if you find that there are people out there who are the opposite.

Of course, it could be because of location...I feel like I am in a very young, transient town, so maybe serious relationships are not the first thing people look for.

I do feel like having a FWB can hold you back from meeting a LTR person. Mostly because when you want some human interaction, it is easier to go with the known then have to look for the unknown...even when there is no emotional attachment to the FWB...its just the ease that prevents someone from "moving on".

Or maybe that is just me, because I am lazy, lol.

[jojoandleo]

I think you need to do what is best for you. It can be hard to find someone long term when you have a FWB, ya know?

With H, I waited 3 weeks to sleep with him. That is a record for me (well, my record was HSBF to whom I lost my virginity, but I don't think virginity days waiting counts, LOL). I think it helped me figure out if I really liked HIM without the lust haze. That doesn't mean it is right for others.

So-You do you! You have my support. Although, I will miss your sexytime stories.

[Deleted]

Meh. I think if you think this is good for you, that's awesome.

Personally, I have never had trouble separating sex and feelings. I think it's the casual sex/dating and being hanging-out friends with someone you're sleeping with that makes things complicated. There is that grey area where you have a relationship with that person you're sleeping with, even if it's not a RELATIONSHIP, KWIM?

I also think it's really hard not to sleep with someone you're into and want to have a relationship with lol. I don't know how successful I'd be with meeting someone I really liked and waiting until we were in a relationship to sleep together. I see nothing wrong with doing that, of course - and maybe it's even ideal in some ways - but it's also never been my style.

I didn't have sex for several months between XH and BF and it was...not fun. It was more just because I was distracted with other things and then the opportunity didn't really present itself, though. It wasn't the end of the world but probably not something I'd do on purpose. HOWEVER if you really feel like you are going to equate sex with emotion right now, I think you're smart to hold off.

[abcdefu]

I went 3 years without sex after my divorce was final. I wanted to work on myself. Ex-h was all I knew and I kinda went wild after our separation, which I anticipated due to the fact I got married at 19. During my abstinence I graduated college, took care of my health, found my career job, got my own apartment and lost weight. I really got to know myself during that period of time.

[jigsy]

Oct 15, 2014 16:55:08 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Personally, I have never had trouble separating sex and feelings. I think it's the casual sex/dating and being hanging-out friends with someone you're sleeping with that makes things complicated. There is that grey area where you have a relationship with that person you're sleeping with, even if it's not a RELATIONSHIP, KWIM?

This is directed at me, isn't it, lol.

Stupid grey areas.

[berbles]

Do we need to mail you more batteries?

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2014 18:12:49 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Oct 15, 2014 16:55:08 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Personally, I have never had trouble separating sex and feelings. I think it's the casual sex/dating and being hanging-out friends with someone you're sleeping with that makes things complicated. There is that grey area where you have a relationship with that person you're sleeping with, even if it's not a RELATIONSHIP, KWIM?

This is directed at me, isn't it, lol.

Stupid grey areas.

Lol. No, though it applies to you! I was thinking more of stpete's more recent guy (ginger?) and this kind of thing comes up relatively frequently here and IRL too It's hard when you're casually sleeping with someone you care about but don't want to actually be with! Somehow I've managed to never really do that (I've never been casual about it, at least) but I don't think I'd do as well with it as I have in the past with people who I don't have a friendship with.

[Wanderista]

Eh, I do think this is totally a personal decision. If you think you need it then there's nothing wrong with that. If you reach a point where you're done with it, that's ok too. I've had stretches of abstinence. I was abstinent for over a year after breaking up with the ex last year. Honestly, that relationship was abstinent for a while before it ended too. (I have an active sex drive, that relationship just sucked).

The guy that I dated for several years before that was honestly more like an FWB as a BF in a way. We had some problems that strained the relationship and showed our incompatibilities. I ultimately broke up with him but it took a long time to get to that point because I did not want to lose the sex or the friendship. 

I'd say that whenever I've done a stretch of abstinence, I just knew that I needed it. I don't know, it would just kind of happen. I just felt like I needed to breathe, I guess. No dealing with emotions or jerky guys that I was ambivalent about. The stretch would end whenever the right circumstances happened. Honestly, my bout of celibacy post-recent break up ended earlier this year when a salesman at the Apple Store hit on me and I was like, "Meh, ok, I'll go with this." He was cute enough but the sex was ... not worth describing. It fizzled out on my end pretty quickly and then I met the guy I am dating now.

[Wanderista]

Also, if you want me to be honest, I'd be much more likely to play the field in Europe. I think I'm more monogamous in the US. If my BF ever wanted to have an open relationship or something, I'd probably agree if I could hook up with some hot Italian or something. I'd only do that in the right circumstances (like, mutual consent if the subject came up and were unemotionally agreed to). There are certain people who are sexually appealing but you don't actually want to seriously date them. I tend to run into that more often in Europe, personally, so that's where I'm more likely to play the field.

I will say that BF is sexy, intelligent and has emotional depth. Sigh, I think I actually need to get laid again soon.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I DID THIS!!!!

I was suuuuuper sexually active right after I got divorced. Then, led entirely by my vagina I entered like the most ill-advised relationship with my high school boyfriend which I thought was poly, but it turned out, he was cheating on his actual girlfriend and I wasn't allowed to date other people.

When that imploded, I made a call - time to stop making bullshit decisions based on impulsive libido-fueled moments, so I became celibate for a couple of months. Not even masturbating. I was serious, y'all.

It was crappy, I won't lie. I was really used to defaulting to sex when interacting with people and I felt like I had to relearn some shit. But in the end, I think it was a good call. Met BF at the very end of my allotted celibacy time and we waited four dates. So...that's my story.

[abcdefu]

Oct 15, 2014 20:48:13 GMT -5 Wanderista said:

Also, if you want me to be honest, I'd be much more likely to play the field in Europe. I think I'm more monogamous in the US. If my BF ever wanted to have an open relationship or something, I'd probably agree if I could hook up with some hot Italian or something. I'd only do that in the right circumstances (like, mutual consent if the subject came up and were unemotionally agreed to). There are certain people who are sexually appealing but you don't actually want to seriously date them. I tend to run into that more often in Europe, personally, so that's where I'm more likely to play the field.

I will say that BF is sexy, intelligent and has emotional depth. Sigh, I think I actually need to get laid again soon.

YESS! This is me too!! Barilla Commercial Guy!! ::swoon::
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[Deleted]

Yeah..... Um. Good luck! There is no way in hell I could get on that bandwagon.

[stephreloaded]

I have tried that before, issue is that since I haven't really been exclusive with anyone in the last 6 years, that would mean that I would not get laid in forever. I go in thinking that I am tired of having sex with NSA but then end up with a FWB.

[jigsy]

Oct 16, 2014 10:19:25 GMT -5 @stpete said:

I am giving myself slim odds of seeing this through with ginger. I think I am good to hold off on sex with anyone new I date. But he is just too much damn fun.

I think Ginger would be different then picking up a new FWB. As long as you are sure you can keep your feeling in check, which can be tough because you really do like him.

But man, sometimes you need a good bang to get that mojo back.

[Wanderista]

Oct 16, 2014 7:15:59 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

Oct 15, 2014 20:48:13 GMT -5 Wanderista said:

Also, if you want me to be honest, I'd be much more likely to play the field in Europe. I think I'm more monogamous in the US. If my BF ever wanted to have an open relationship or something, I'd probably agree if I could hook up with some hot Italian or something. I'd only do that in the right circumstances (like, mutual consent if the subject came up and were unemotionally agreed to). There are certain people who are sexually appealing but you don't actually want to seriously date them. I tend to run into that more often in Europe, personally, so that's where I'm more likely to play the field.

I will say that BF is sexy, intelligent and has emotional depth. Sigh, I think I actually need to get laid again soon.

YESS! This is me too!! Barilla Commercial Guy!! ::swoon::

Yep, pretty much like that.

[lookingup]

I've been thinking about all of these things, too. I've been single for a couple of years now (left XH in Dec of '11 and haven't dated anyone for more than a couple of months since then), and I'm ready to find someone for the long term. I've had sex with a lot of guys since then too. I met XH when I was 17 and didn't really date anyone else after that, so I've been having all kinds of fun since my divorce. I'm trying to be who the person I'm looking for is looking for, and I'm leaning toward not having sex with someone until we are in a place to have a conversation about our relationship and where it's headed. I would like to have a relationship in which having sex for the first time is a conscious decision rather than a reaction to some raging hormones.

Though I'm pretty sure when I get back to Nashville I'm still going to hook up with my fwb. We are good friends, there is absolutely no emotional weirdness, and we know each other's bodies really well. And I feel like that's different from random hookups.